Sonder

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𝐃𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐌 𝐅𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑

/driːmˈfiː.vɚ/ • [𝒏.]

The intense heat on the skin of a sleeping person, a radioactive byproduct of an idle mind humming with secret delusions which then vaporize when plunged into the cooling bath of reality, thus preventing a meltdown that could endanger those close by, who tolerate the risk because it gives them energy.

. . • ☆ . ° .• °:. *₊ ° . ☆

“Would you stop it!” my face warmed as Sirius chuckled. “I’m going to leave you here, Black.”

“You have to admit, it’s funny.”

“Do you see me laughing?”

“‘You’re  pretty!’ ‘You smell so good, Jamie!’ ‘Oh, you’re such an ang— oww! Stop! I’ll stop! Godric! Jeez, woman!” Sirius flinched, rubbing his head and shoulders, “For a tiny witch, you sure pack a mean punch.”

“You were asking for it!” I snarled, marching ahead of him. 

We were supposed to be on our way to Hogsmeade to celebrate our birthday, but since it started drizzling and Sirius and I don’t like going out when it’s pouring, we had to improvise.

Sirius suggested that we celebrate in Gryffindor’s common room since most students were still going to Hogsmead even during the rain, but with the way I woke up cuddling to James Potter, I’m not taking any chances. So I suggested we go to the kitchens and see what we can whip out. Sirius mentioned he always wanted to learn how to cook to prepare himself when he finally got a place, so I’ll teach him a few basics for my birthday present. 

“Okay. I promise I won’t bring it up again.” Sirius grinned as he caught up, walking backwards next to me with both hands in his pockets.

“I sense a ‘but’ coming.” I frown. He grinned wider when I glared at him, “What?”

“But I’m rather curious, you see. I heard Slytherin’s drinks were mixed with some wonky stuff last night. I wonder what it smells like for you? Mine smells like old parchment, chocolates, a lit fag and oddly enough, wet dog fur.”

“Mine’s broom polish, butterbeer and—oh, you sly fuck! It’s none of your business!” I walked faster, feeling the blush creeping from my neck to my face.

I hope Sirius would bump into something for how much of an idiot he’s being. So it wasn’t enough that I made a fool of myself while under the ruddy potion, but apparently, he was on a mission to get me to admit something ridiculous like James.

There was chaos in the Marauders’ dormitory, especially after I woke up to a smirking James Potter. At first, I thought I was still dreaming, so whatever cuddling, nuzzling and sniffing I’ve done was unknowingly and purely innocent. 

But not to James Potter. No. One would not live and not hear him boasting about such skinship. Especially when it was initiated by a girl from another reality who tenses with physical touch in every reality.

My first instinct after opening my eyes was to stretch my limbs and back. Maybe crack my neck a little because of the stiffness of sleeping on one side for the whole night. 

When I felt warmer than usual, I should’ve immediately thought that something was wrong. The pillows in my dorm were soft and fluff, but the one under my cheek was sturdy and… oh, Merlin, does it smell good. I buried my face in it a few times before I felt it vibrate under me. I was afraid of opening my eyes, fearing that I might have slept with someone.

James’ low and deep morning voice made me immediately open my eyes. We stare at each other for a brief moment, with him grinning and me looking appalled by my actions. It wasn’t long before he opened his mouth and said something so arrogant that my first reflex was to kick him out of his bed and hope that he landed on his arse. Hard. 

“Admit it!”

“You’re fucking insane, Potter! Piss off!”

“Yet, you slept beside me, almost suffocating me with the way you hug!” he teased, “Not to mention, you’re a blanket hogger!”

“How many times do I have to tell you I didn’t know!” 

“Psh. Please. Like you haven’t been murmuring, you’re undying love for me.” James sauntered towards me, a smirk lingering on the corner of his lips. He stopped when he was a few centimetres away. He leaned in and whispered, “Come on, Saunders. I know it was  my  scent you smelled last night. Why do you think you were sleeping in my bed instead of Moony or Padfoot’s? You wouldn’t let me let you down in theirs.”

Remus, Peter and Sirius woke up to us like that. Once the initial shock of feeling James’ warm breath on my skin left my body, I scampered around the room looking for the things I knew I had in my body the night I got drugged while returning rude remarks so that I wouldn’t lose. The last straw was James dangling the glittery bra that comes with my costume above his head with a gleam in his eyes until I admitted that I enjoyed sleeping next to him.

Remus had to step between us, and Sirius had to take my wand before I could do so much as hex him. Peter accompanied me to their common room while Sirius gathered my things and talked to James. Remus offered to walk me to my house.

It hadn’t even been an hour since I got back to my dorm room and screamed at my pillow when Pandora knocked on my door and told me Sirius was threatening everybody that he’ll blow up the eagle knocker if I didn’t get down for our birthday celebration. She was kind enough and said she’d take care of it if I didn’t want to go, but knowing Sirius, it would be more trouble avoiding him than just going.

The elves weren’t surprised when we arrived at the kitchens, already used to us frequenting the place. It wasn’t long before Gerbie—the elf my grandmother sent to assist me during my stay at Hogwarts—excitedly approached us.

“Mistress Saunders! Master Black! What can Gerbie assist you with?” 

“Hi, Gerbie! How are you? Any news from Grandma?”

“None, Miss. But Gerbie can go there later if Miss likes it.”

“Thank you, Gerbie.” I smile at the elf, “Can you prepare something for Sirius and me to cook with? Just something easy that covers all meals so I can teach him.”

“Hey, Gerbie.” Sirius greeted from the back, “Busy day?”

“Not at all, Master Black. Anything for Mistress Saunders.”

“I told you to stop calling me Mistress.” I sighed. “That’s my grandma.” 

“You’re lucky your elf is this respectful. Can’t say the same about ours.”

“That’s because you’re rude to Kreacher as well.” I said, following Gerbie to the section where we can work but not disrupt their work, “Elves reflect how you treat them. No wonder Regulus is Kreacher’s favourite master.”

“That’s rude.”

“You’re rude.” I clapped back, “And annoying.”

“Eh, you still love me.”

“Is murder considered love?”

If Sirius heard my last jab, he ignored it, too engrossed with all the different ingredients laid in front of him. I also noticed that he was rather fond of simple foods than the gourmet he’s used to eating back home. Maybe it’s because of the memories attached to it. Sirius couldn’t open up easily, especially with his trauma connecting to his family. But he would share short comments here and there that were easy to put together.

He got a look of awe and sadness when we finished cooking the cheesy mushroom and spinach omelette.

“I remembered when my parents were out with Kreacher and Reggie, and I had nothing to eat. Mother punishes us by not giving us food when we disobey.” Sirius shared as we ate, not looking up from his plate, “So Reggie and I tried to cook, but we were shit at it. Mother was pissed because my brother had an upset stomach afterwards, and the bloody elf told her  I  tried to cook. Reggie was too sick to back me up, so imagine how furious my mother was afterwards.”

“Is that why you hate Kreacher?” I asked, “Because he always takes your brother’s side?”

“Hate is such a strong word.” Sirius shook his head, “It’s more like I’m jealous of how protective everyone is of Reggie that they forgot that I exist too. Don’t I deserve that kind of protectiveness as well? Even if it wasn’t the kind I craved, at least the elf bloody cared for my brother.”

“And you cared for your brother too, Sirius.” I added, looking at him sympathetically that he squirmed in his seat, “I’m not saying that you deserve it. Merlin knows that you two deserve better. But would you rather be the one to suffer than your brother? I know you. You care for your brother more than you care to admit.”

“Yeah.” he sighed tiredly, “I just wished someone was out there looking out for me like I did for my brother growing up, you know? It’s moments like that, I see how cruel and unfair my life is. It makes me wonder about that question you asked not long ago.”

“Which one?”

“If I had imagined a different life or reality from what I have right now,” he answered, “I know I said that I wouldn’t change anything if I could because it led me to meet you pricks, but sometimes, I wondered what could’ve been if I could do so.”

“What would you change then?” I asked, putting my flour on my wet mix for the cake we’ll be baking, “What would be different in Sirius Black’s reality?”

“You’d be nicer for starters.” Sirius teased, making me throw a wooden spoon in his direction, which he dodged with ease, “See what I mean!”

I rolled my eyes, “What else?”

“Well, I wouldn’t be opposed to Prongs finding someone who appreciates him. Moony not having his… furry problem,” he whispered, “and Wormy being more confident and secure about himself.”

“I asked you what  you  want for yourself, not for others.”

“It’s the same thing,” Sirius shrugged, returning the spoon after he washed it, “I’m happy when my friends are happy.”

“But what makes you happy?”

Sirius paused to think, “I would be happy to still have a relationship with my brother. I would be happy if there isn’t a certain expectation or judgment when someone hears the Black surname. When you think about it, my happiness all depends on someone else’s. And even if I wanted to be selfish, that wouldn’t solve my problems in my surroundings. If everything falls into the right places, that will also affect me.”

Sirius was right when I thought about it. Even though we don’t want our happiness to depend on someone else’s, it affects us nevertheless. Some people are selfish enough to be indifferent about how they would affect others with their actions, but not Sirius. He just likes to be perceived like that. So when it comes to the point when he gets hurt because of it, people wouldn’t see how much he’s crumbling inside.

We worked silently on the cake and the chocolate icing. Eventually, Sirius got so peeved about the silence that he asked Gerbie to fetch his records and record player. He specifically asked her to be careful with it because some are signed copies and first pressings.

It was an argument on whether we should play David Bowie or Queen. In the end, we settled with Aerosmith to keep it neutral. Dream On was playing when James, Remus and Peter came in the kitchen with us, dueting at the top of our lungs. 

Sirius wouldn’t admit it, but he doesn’t like to be upstaged. So when the part with the high note came, he was holding a spatula in front of his mouth and standing on top of a stool as he attempted to reach the high note. I had to warn the elves to put on some earplugs so they could work in peace.

The three clapped and shouted once we were done. Sirius bowed and jumped off the stool, one hand on his chest while he soaked in the praises from his friends. I had to roll my eyes and continue with our meal.

“I didn’t know Saunder could sing like that.” James said in awe, his eyes teasing, “All I’m used to is her nagging.”

“That’s because you piss her off for the most of it.” Remus clarified as he walked towards me to give me a hug, “Happy Birthday, Lulu!”

“Happy Birthday, Louise,” Peter seconded with a smile, already putting food on his plate. He looked like a deer caught in headlights when his friends amusingly turned to him, “What?”

“We just ate!” James scolded.

“Yeah. But there’s a lot of food in here!” Peter took a bite of the blueberry muffins I baked earlier, “They can’t eat all of these!”

“Don’t worry about it. Sirius told me that I should expect Peter to do some quality control.” I said, making Sirius chuckle, “Help yourself.”

“It does smell wonderful,” Remus said as he eyed the chocolate chip muffin longingly.

“I baked that especially for you, Remmy.” I smile, “Sirius wouldn’t shut up until I agreed to make one.”

Remus blushed. James looked between the two suspiciously, then turned to me, “What about me?”

I grab individual ingredients and dump them with a thump in front of him. “Make your own. I’m not your bloody elf.”

James clutched his chest, teasing that he was offended by the gesture. “It stings when you show me who’s your favourite, Saunders.”

“Good. Because Remus is everyone’s favourite, Peter is second.”

“Hey!” Sirius exclaimed, then paused when I gave him an am-i-wrong look. He shrugged, “Yeah, you’re right. But I can’t be second to Wormy!”

“And I’m last on this list of yours?” James now sounded genuinely offended.

“Well… you did piss her off this morning and tried to make her admit that she likes you.” Peter pointed out next to Remus, now eating the beef stew with carrots and potatoes. Remus was trying but failing to hide a smile as he watched us.

“And that’s why Peter is second.” I affectionately patted Peter’s head, “He’s not an idiot like the both of you.”

“Shame.” James said smugly, waving a small wrapped box from his pocket, “I was hoping my presence and gift would make up for it but seeing as I am the last on your list, I’ll just return this.”

“I’m not impressed if that’s what you’re getting at, Potter,” I said indifferently. “You have to try harder than that to climb up from my list.”

“Try grovelling,” Remus suggested with a snicker.

“Or just say you’re sorry?” Peter hesitantly added as James glared at Remus.

“The thing is, I’m not that shallow. I can buy whatever that is.” I smirked at James, leaning on the table to mock him close to his face, “If that’s one of a kind, I might change my mind. But if that’s something generic, you can keep it or give it to Evans. But until then, you’re at the bottom of my list, Potter.”

“Is that so?” James leaned in as well, his brow arching in intrigue and challenge, “What do you have in mind, Saunders?”

“Eh, you’ll figure it out,” I smirk, “You’re James Potter after all.”

Although those words were coming out of my mouth, I was curious about what the gift contained. It was well-known that James Potter only spent his money on one girl. And that’s Lily Evans. Even if it was my birthday, I couldn’t remember anything from the diary indicating that James Potter ever talked to me like this. Other than picking on me because he thought I was leading Sirius on because he believed that Sirius liked me, that is. 

So what changed?

I could hear my heart thudding in my chest at our proximity. The butterflies in my stomach were flapping their wings and flying around in crazy circles. James was so close that I could smell the scent I was addicted to this morning: Broom polish, butterbeer and morning dew. James grazed his teeth over his bottom lip, licking it slightly. His pupils blew wide as he scanned my face, his eyes lingering on my lips.

I couldn’t help but do the same. But my gaze always leads back to his eyes. 

Those goddamn eyes. 

We were so lost in each other’s stare that we didn’t notice Remus clearing his throat to catch our attention and Peter nervously shifting on his seat while he looked between us. It wasn’t until Sirius clapped his hand that we jumped apart, our cheeks red from embarrassment. 

And then everything sinks in. 

What the fuck am I doing flirting with James Potter?

“Ahh, bribery.” Sirius said, plucking up the gift from James’ hand and inspecting it, “Where’s mine?”

“Your birthday is tomorrow!”

“But that’s not fair!” Sirius whined like a toddler, sitting beside Remus, “You got Lulu a gift and not your best mate? I’ve been good to you, Prongs!”

“You just have to wait for yours tomorrow, Pads.” Remus comforted Sirius when James ignored him, “It still baffles me that you’re more upset about not receiving your gift now than having to add another year in your age.”

James, Peter, and I stare at the wolf in horror as we wait for Sirius to have his tantrums. Sirius is a bit touchy with his age, especially when he has explicitly told us his sentiments about wanting to be forever young and staying in his childlike bubble with his friends. Peter and James pulled me out of the kitchen just in time before Sirius started throwing things at Remus. 

The rest of the night was spent exploring the castle, each marauder showing me their favourite spot to hang out alone or together. 

I learned that Remus specifically likes to go into the hidden living room behind the Slug painting on the right side of the grand staircase. It was a small room that contained a gorgeous fireplace, a small comfy red sofa, a simple wooden desk, a bookshelf and a portrait of a couple; dancing waltz as the autumn wind breezes around them. Remus admitted that most of the books on the shelves were some of his collections—one that he didn’t have since he had to move places often. He didn’t specify why, but I didn’t pry since he didn’t know I knew about his fury problem.

Peter showed me the secret student sweetshop he found behind a bookshelf in the great foyer when he was mapping out the castle for a project of theirs. Although they also showed me the secret passage behind the one-eyed witch that leads to Honeydukes, they prefer this secret shop because it contains more muggle sweets and snacks than wizarding delectables. Peter added that after months of surveillance, he discovered Hanbin Kim, my housemate, was the one who magicked the room and kept his stash of muggle snacks to sell to the student body for extra galleons.

Sirius, on the other hand, showed me the magical corridors and walls that would lead me to different parts of the castle, some, to Hogsmeade. The first thing he showed me was the detention escape route that starts on the seventh floor after the Porticus Olidus that could be accessed by the Pungent Passage within the Bell Tower Wing. This route continues to the dungeon level, where they use it specifically to evade the nosy caretaker, Filch, after curfew. He then continued to show me six more passages apart from the one-eyed witch. 

It was like discovering Hogwarts again without the foreknowledge of the place because of the specific detail of knowing I included in my script. I couldn’t help but be fascinated by it all, especially having the marauders with me. 

When it was James’ turn to show me his favourite spot in the castle, we spotted Mrs Norris roaming the corridors. The cat sniffed the floor and then the air. Her yellow eyes immediately locked in on us. Then she started meowing, calling for Filch.

“Dammit! Is it okay that we do mine another night?” James asked me in a whisper, “I can’t get another detention before the game. Minnie’s going to kill me.”

“No, we can’t. It’s my party tomorrow night, remember? Plus, you have Quidditch practice all week before and after class. Why?” Sirius asked James, “We have most detentions together. Why is yours different?”

“Because Minnie already told me that there’s a possibility that I’d make Quidditch captain once Wood graduates.” James quickly explained as he tugged me in the opposite direction of the cat, “Her only condition is not to get detention days before any game for the year.”

“But we’ve been getting detention since school started!” Peter pointed out. 

“Yeah, but the first match against the Slytherins is next weekend. I was planning on laying low all week to avoid that but if this can’t happen another night, we need a plan.” James looked in all directions to see if the coast was clear, “Moony, is there any way you could tell Filch you’re doing your prefect duties if he catches us?”

Remus shook his head, “I’m not scheduled to patrol until Wednesday.”

James thinks for a moment, looking at his surroundings again and mischievously grinning at his friends. “Lads, I think it’s about time we commence Tango.”

“Do you have your cloak with you?”

James nodded at Remus, then asked, “How long do you think Peeves can come before Filch finds us?”

“Give it a minute or two. He already agrees to appear once he hears the music.” Peter said, “He’d loved to have a reason to put that cat again inside one of those armours.”

“The—what?” I asked, looking between the grinning friends, “Tango? Peeves?”

“We use the phonetic alphabet when we pass notes during classes,” Remus started to explain, “James thought it was brilliant since not a lot of students and professors here know about it. So when we need to communicate something to the other, we use the phonetic alphabet.”

“We scattered a lot of, let’s say,  distractions , all over the castle for this specific situation and named them after a phonetic alphabet so it would be easier for us to remember where it was and what the plan is. It varies every year.” Sirius added sheepishly, “Right now, Tango involves you and Prongs hiding under his cloak while we cause a diversion.”

“You kept your pranks and distractions organised?” I shook my head. The friends sneered at my disapproval, “Unbelievable.”

“Well, pranking is a  serious  commitment.” Sirius emphasized while Peter nodded, “You can also blame Moony’s lack of ability to tolerate anything sloppy.”

Remus shrugged, “I tolerated you.”

“Hey!”

“Anyways, we solemnly swore to each other that as long as we’re in Hogwarts, we’ll give Filch and his cat hell for wrongfully accusing us that we were up to no good during our first year because we couldn’t find our common room after curfew. The wanker didn’t even listen and still gave us detention.” James covered himself with the cloak, peeking briefly underneath and urging me to get inside, “We were so innocent back then.”

“Hard for me to imagine a time when you bunch were innocent.” 

“How do you think we all started to be friends?” I ignored James, too focused on how close he is, yet again, to me, “We’re off, gents. See you in an hour or so.”

Sirius gave a salute, while Remus and Peter waved as we all separated in different directions. Familiar drum beats could be heard in the distance. Not long after, Saturday Night’s Alright (For Fighting) by Elton John was blasting through the corridors where each marauder went, followed by explosions going off—on what I assumed were dungbombs—in sync with each drop of the beat of the song.

Peeves finally made his appearance and immediately wreaked havoc as he squealed, letting us hear Filch’s frustrated screams.

“PEEVES! POTTER! BLACK!” we heard in front of us. Apparently, we went to the wrong corridor and ran directly to Filch.

“WHAT DO WE DO? WE NEED TO GO THE OTHER WAY!” I hissed in panic when I saw Filch quickly running (more like limping) in our direction. But James continued to run ahead, now gripping my hand and resisting any of my attempts to be let go, “If I get detention, I’ll kill you, Potter!”

“Be quiet, you idiot! We’re under the cloak, remember?” James stated under his breath as Filch gets closer, “This is the only way to my spot. Besides, it’s all part of the plan. Let’s wait for Pete to do his bit before we do anything.”

Boom.

Colourful fireworks that could rival Weasleys’ Wildfire Whiz-bangs started going off on Filch’s right, immediately making the caretaker run in that direction. He disappeared for a short while but soon after, several stray firecrackers and a booming Peeves started to chase after him, making the caretaker run away in the opposite direction at the speed I never knew he possessed. 

“See, I told you. You have to have a little faith in us.” James gloated, “Now come on, we better run before Filch comes back.”

It wasn’t long before we arrived at an unused part of the castle. James immediately pulled the cloak off of us and fished for his wand. He traced his fingers on a specific part of the wall and when he found what he was looking for, he quietly muttered, “ Aparecium .”

An old wooden door with gold linings materializes in front of us. Once James opened the door, we were greeted by a bunch of stairs. 

“Great. More stairs.” I groaned, “My body isn’t equipped for excessive movement, Potter.”

“You wouldn’t be saying that once we reach the top.” James urged as he took my hand and pulled me towards the spiral staircase, “It will be worth it, I promise.”

So I let James drag me up the stairs, not without complaining all the way. I was too out of breath to even start up a conversation but a question has been on the tip of my tongue since we started walking towards this part of the castle.

“How do you even know about this place?” 

“Perks of having the invisibility cloak and the curiosity and resourcefulness of a marauder.” James answered with a smile, “We’re making this map, you see. A tool that can aid future generations of pranksters. For us to accurately map most of the area and avoid getting caught by Filch and his cat, we asked some portraits and ghosts what the best hiding spots are in the castle. Most of the portraits told us about the secret passages Sirius showed you, while a ghost told Remus about the hidden living room. This one was mentioned to me by my mum last year.”

After a lot of steps and panting, we finally made it to the top landing, where we were greeted by another door. James fished out the gift he was offering me a while ago and tore the wrappings. Inside, there was a golden necklace with a tiny key in the middle. “Now, if you had just accepted this, you would’ve had access to my favourite spot as well. But since you’re too proud—”

“Just open the goddamn door, Potter.”

James chuckled and complied. What I saw once the door opened left me gaping at him.

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