Sonder

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𝐍𝐎𝐃𝐔𝐒 𝐓𝐎𝐋𝐋𝐄𝐍𝐒

[𝒏.]

The realization that the plot of your life doesn’t make sense to you anymore—that although you thought you were following the arc of the story, you keep finding yourself immersed in passages you don’t understand, that don’t even seem to belong in the same genre—which requires you to go back and reread the chapters you had originally skimmed to get to the good parts, only to learn that all along you were supposed to choose your own adventure.

. . • ☆ . ° .• °:. *₊ ° . ☆

“You’ve got to be shitting me,” I whispered, my eyes wide at the beautiful open rooftop garden in front of me. “How did you find this?”

Whoever said that the Astronomy Tower was the tallest and most gorgeous tower in Hogwarts was wrong.

Aside from the stunning array of aromatic flowers deliberately spread across the space, we had a full 360-degree view of the grounds. On one side, a stone path illuminated by numerous hanging miniature light bulbs leads to a fire pit and a cosy-looking concrete circular seat. In between two trees on the opposite side was a large hammock.

We were so far up that the sky was so clear, and the stars seemed like they were dusted across the horizon.

“It was by accident, really,” James said, resting his hand on my lower back and pressing me farther inside. “Remember how I told you mum mentioned this last year? She and Dad were being sickly sweet, and then she mentioned they used to sneak out after curfew and come here. Before the term started, Dad gave me this.” James showed me the golden necklace with the key pendant. “He said that aside from the cloak, this has been passed down from generations of Potters. The one condition he gave me was that I have to find it myself since it relocates whenever the castle senses that a new generation of Potters begins attending Hogwarts again.”

“Why does it change location? And why does the key get passed down to your ancestors?”

“The rumour is that Dorea Black and Charlus Potter used to sneak in here during their time at Hogwarts. Forbidden love and all between two snobbish pureblood families.” James told with a slight grin, “Dorea wanted to meet someplace unplottable so she wouldn’t have to explain to her siblings why she and my great-great-grandfather, Charlus, were always together, and then my great-great-grandfather discovered this place. Grandma Dorea suddenly lost her sight during their fourth year, and afterwards, she withdrew and isolated herself from everyone. Great Grandpa Charlus spent two years planting these fragrant flowers in hopes of seeing Dorea smile once more. Henry Potter, my grandfather, told me and my dad that the flowers here are the same plants that Charlus planted when they were here.”

“Wow. That’s really sweet of Charlus.” I quietly grin, viewing all the flowers here in a new light. “But why did Dorea suddenly become blind? Did she have any pre-existing illnesses?”

“Not that we were aware of. We didn’t know if it was because of the abuse or for any other reason, but Grandma Dorea was never the same after that. From what we heard, the abuse in the noble house of Black began with Grandma Dorea, and there would be one Black member in each generation who tends to move away from their bigotry.” James frowned. “She was just not disowned like Sirius and Andromeda because she married a pureblood.”

“Wait,” I said, staring at him once again. “Why are you taking me to a place where your parents and great-great-grandparents used to date?”

“Don’t get the wrong idea, Saunders. I still think you’re mental, but Sirius already told me you’d prefer to explore the castle as your birthday present, so that’s why we showed you some of our favourite spots,” James stated as he led me to the centre of the garden. I felt him watching me as I took in the stunning scenery in front of me, and he said, “I figured that a day of truce wouldn’t hurt, especially since it’s your birthday.”

I breathe and look forward while enjoying the gentle breeze on my face. “Why do you hate me so much?”

“You’re joking,” James remarked, annoyed. “You don’t remember, do you?”

“I remember you telling McGonagall I called you a buffoon before,” I replied, “but I don’t think that justifies your intense hatred for me.”

“That’s true. And I don’t just hate on someone because they have a nasty tongue. Maybe Snivellus is an exception.” James sarcastically grinned, “But, Saunders, I don’t hate you. It’s more like I’m annoyed by what you did after calling me a buffoon. Plus, I thought you were leading Sirius on by pretending to be his friend.”

“Then what is it?” I said, turning to him, “Sometimes you’re a dickhead, then you’re... this.” I gestured wildly around the gorgeous and extremely intimate garden, “I’m getting mixed signals here, Potter.”

“Remember when we first met on the train? I was telling you and the lads that I’m going to marry Lily Evans someday, and you and the lads looked at me like I was a nutcase, and then you ran off.”

“Well, yeah. You are,” I answered as I glanced at the scowling James. “You haven’t even talked to her, and I’m pretty sure an eleven-year-old doesn’t just say that.”

“See, that’s where you’re wrong, Saunders. I was taught at a young age that I shouldn’t say something I don’t mean. Once I set a goal for something, I can be patient until I reach that goal,” James boasted. “The point is, the reason I’m annoyed with you is because of what you did after that conversation.”

I raised an eyebrow at him, “Which is?”

I’ll admit that as the days go by, some of the memories of myself from this DR seem like they’re being downloaded into my brain, but they only go back as far as my third year, and I think small James-related information, like this, isn’t covered in my journal. So, I’m not sure what he’s talking about at all.

“You told Lily to avoid me at all costs,” James responded. “Why do you think she hasn’t said yes to me, as well as why does Snivellus resent me after all these years? You planted doubt and resentment in their heads the moment you opened your mouth, and that stuck even if you two never spoke to each other after that.”

“I’m sorry,” I said after a few seconds of silence. “I don’t really remember it, but I’m sorry Potter; I know it doesn’t excuse what I did, but it still doesn’t justify the hatred and pranks I’m getting from you.”

“Saunders, I just want us to get along right now,” James smiles and adds, “I know I can be a little unpredictable, but I promise you that I’m not trying to mess with your head. As for the pranks, it’s just a bit of harmless fun on my end.”

“Okay, but why?” I asked sceptically. “I mean, we’ve never really been friends before.”

James took a deep breath and looked at me sincerely, “I know we haven’t, but I think we could be. Maybe we could start by not insulting each other all the time?”

I smiled, feeling a sense of relief and warmth. “Okay.”

James grinned, “Who knows, maybe we’ll end up being great friends.”

As we both sit there in the garden, enjoying each other’s company, I can’t help but feel hopeful for the future. Maybe James Potter wasn’t so bad after all.

The week went by in a blur for me. After suffering a massive hangover from Sirius’s birthday celebration and getting scolded by Pandora about how she warned me that coming there wasn’t a good idea in the first place, I tried to avoid anyone from the Gryffindor house.

Well, can you blame me when James and Gideon had another fight and everyone is now gossiping that it was because of me?

All I remembered was that at some point that night, James approached me and apologised for being such a jerk since he never got to apologise on my birthday. As another birthday present for Sirius (at his request), I apologise to James once more, reiterating that what happened on my birthday should not be brought up again.

Of course, Fabian was nearby and completely misinterpreted everything. The next thing I knew, Gideon was walking across the dance floor and pounding James Potter to, in his idiotic brother’s words, “defend my honour.”

Even after clarifying to the older Prewett that nothing had happened, the harm was done. And it didn’t help that a full-blown fight broke out between the two once James got to his feet, and I got caught in the thick of it. Literally.

They didn’t even notice when one of them hit me and knocked me down, creating a concussion, until Lily Evans swooped in and broke up the fight. 

Any truce that happened between me and James has been nulled and voided. At least, he thinks it is when I started ignoring him.

And before you think that I’m seeing this like some sort of main character and wanting all this attention, let me be the first to tell you that I didn’t intend to have my skull crack open. I didn’t want to be in this reality, to begin with! All I wanted was to enter this world and experience the magical life I read about when I was 13 years old, not get caught in the middle of male teenage angst and their pissing contest! For the second time!

So here I am, for the sixth day in a row, scouring the library for anything that could help me return to my reality. Even though the changes were minor, I wanted to see what went wrong with this one. Because nothing is making sense anymore.

“You’ve been avoiding me,” a velvety voice hissed into my ear, making me jump in my seat. “And here I was thinking we were friends.”

“Jesus fucking Christ, Potter!” I cursed as James took the seat next to me, ducking the heavy book I was about to smack him with. “What part of me “ignoring you” are you not understanding?”

“I guess what you said about me being an idiot is true; I just can’t stay away.” He shrugged, scooting closer. “Whatcha up to?”

“Piss off, I don’t have time for this,” I grumbled as I continued to read. “I’m getting enough backlash as it is from what you and Gideon did; let’s not add to the rumours by getting caught like this.”

“What rumour?” he inquired innocently, “the one about us shagging on Halloween?”

I ignored him and covered my flushed face with my hair, so I couldn’t see him. I’m not sure what it is with James and his inability to read the room, but it seems like ignoring him did nothing but make him more irritating.

James shifted his position and leaned into my personal space. “Or that you cheated on Gideon for me even though you two are deeply in love?”

I stood up and walked over to the shelf to look for any further books that could have even the slightest connection to shifting. James instantly rose to his feet and started to hover. 

The way James follows me around is unsettling. Not because I thought he was going to do something to me. He wasn’t that dense, and if he were, he wouldn’t dare provoke Sirius, Pandora, or Regulus’ rage. It’s just that this section of the library is a famous snogging spot. So if we are caught, even if we’re not doing anything, there will be an issue. I blame Madam Pince and her bloody storage method for keeping this topic at the far back of the library.

“I heard you cancelled your date with Prewett this weekend,” James sneered. “Poor bloke couldn’t look in my direction without mentally murdering me.”

“Where did you even—” My body pivoted to face him. At this point, I’m more perplexed and annoyed about how he knew. I exhaled deeply and maintained my composure. “You know what? I don’t care. I don’t have to explain my choices to you.”

“My, my, Saunders. You’re losing your touch. What? No sassy comebacks?”

“Merlin, why did Remus forget to put you on a leash today?” I grumbled and glanced up, trying not to be intimidated and flustered by his face so near mine as he blocked my way. “Would you mind moving, or should I make you?”

James obliged sluggishly and stood aside, still following me around my table like a dog. “What is it, then?”

“What exactly?”

“The reason you’re ignoring me.”

“Aside from your obnoxiousness and massive ego?” I said, deadpanning, “Gee, I don’t know. The fact that I don’t have anything to say to you?”

“That, and because I make you flustered,” James said boldly, adding, “You can deny it all you want, Saunders, but I could tell.”

I was already contemplating what book I should throw at him.

“I’m not sure what happened during Halloween and the days after that made you think harassing me like this is okay Potter, so stop and go before my patience runs out.”

“You know what the problem is?” James moved closer, his gaze on my lips. “Even if I’m a grating git, you can’t lie to save a life.”

“Rowena! Do you hear yourself? You sound like every pigheaded douche who thinks he’s on top of the world because he plays a stupid sport!” I snarled at an offended-looking James. “News flash, Potter, the world doesn’t revolve around you! I might be intoxicated on Halloween because of my stupid housemate, but that doesn’t mean I have these secret feelings towards you! Don’t force me to admit something that’s a figment of your imagination; I’d rather puke in my mouth than say I feel something for a conceited git like you.”

“Wow.” James slumped back in his chair, seemingly relieved, when I snapped. What the hell is wrong with him? “Well, sorry, Saunders. I didn’t realise you were harbouring this deep hatred towards me.”

“That’s because you’re too self-absorbed to notice,” I hissed. “Now that that’s out, will you finally leave me alone?”

“Nope,” James responded, popping the p. He grinned broadly. “I don’t have much to do these days since Lily rejected me again.”

“Shocker.”

“It’s tiring and frustrating, you know? I have all this love to give, but no one wants it.” He grabbed the book I was reading, sounding sad. “And I figured, why not convert the energy of chasing Lily to annoying you instead? At least I know I won’t feel like crap afterwards. I already know you hate me.”

“You’re a fucking madman; that’s what you are, and by the way, Lily hates you as well, so your logic still sounds stupid.” I took the book from him and hastily stuffed everything into my bag. “Goodbye, Potter.”

James remained in his seat, smiling with his arms crossed and his tongue hallowing one side of his cheek. I could still feel his stare as I briskly walked out of the library. So as everyone else’s.

If you believed that was enough to get James Potter to leave me alone, you’re as insane as he is. Not only did that conversation fuel James’ motivation to make my stay at Hogwarts a living hell, but it also made him more creative.

The pranks were minimal in the beginning. A little water balloon here, a dungbomb explosion there. And if James was feeling particularly nasty, boils would erupt from my skin or my nose would bleed until I said a particular phrase (often relating to stroking his bruising ego) that would make it stop. I learned how to manage my temper at this point. If I hadn’t, the spectacled boy would already be swimming with the giant squid. James also makes it to the point where the prank wouldn’t be traced to him, so his friends, especially Sirius, wouldn’t come for his neck.

However, things became a little bit more petty as the days before the Christmas break got closer. A few pointless practical jokes were something I could put up with, but James went too far when he flooded my dorm room. I really thought I was dreaming until I felt a trickle of water on my face. I quickly sprang up, panting and bewildered, as though I had been doused with water. I was soaked and furious when I looked up at the ceiling and noticed a large storm cloud above me.

Everything was drenched. Pandora and Xenophilius tried to help me and stop the storm cloud but to no avail. We didn’t realize how bad the damage was until Kim Hanbin spoke out in front of the crowd of Ravenclaws outside my room.

“The library’s flooded! Professor Flitwick managed to vanish the water, but he’s looking for the source of the flood.” Hanbin hesitated and glanced anxiously at me, “He—um—said that there’s a possibility of suspension when he finds out where this is coming from.”

“What? Why?” Pandora raged, “We all know who did this!”

“Yes, darling, but we don’t have any proof,” Xenophilius grumbled. “It also doesn’t help that Potter and his rowdy friends have been in everyone’s good graces since Halloween.”

“Flitwick is fair,” Pandora told me, “he knows you aren’t this careless!”

“I agree. But he’s furious because a lot of books in our library have been there for as long as anyone can remember, and any drying spell isn’t working. So unless someone gives him the counter spell, someone’s going to get punished,” Hanbin explained. “He also mentioned that if it were those Gryffindor prats, he’d also expel them. But that doesn’t change the fact that this might have been avoided if the other individual had been mature enough not to engage with the lions.”

Hanbin smiled sympathetically at me. Even he knows what’s going on with me and James. I was frustrated, and it took all of my might not to cry. I stormed out of our tower and headed for the lions, despite everyone’s pleas for me to stay put.

Students around me were clearing a path for me as I pushed my way to the Gryffindor tower, either because they didn’t want to hear the end of my fury or because they wanted to escape the wet trail I was leaving in my quest for vengeance.

The marauders were just emerging from their portrait when I found them. James, Sirius, and Peter were strolling ahead, laughing at something Sirius was saying, while Remus and Lily trailed after them, immersed in their own conversation.

The gall of this man to be so laid-back when there’s a chance I may get kicked out for his immature antics! I just couldn’t handle it anymore. 

As if my hand had a mind of its own, I grabbed my wand from my robe and cast a jinx in James’ direction before Sirius could say anything when he noticed me. 

But, with the reflexes of a chaser, James was quick enough to deflect it and divert it to the ceiling, where it made a loud crash. Students around us ran in different directions as little fragments from the ceiling fell like rain showers, creating a cloud of dust that circled the hall.

“Saunders?” James said, puzzled, then enraged when the dust cleared, “What the hell! ARE YOU MAD?”

I’m not sure when it happened, but James was already on Lily’s side, covering her head with his arm, while Sirius and Remus huddled close, with Peter in the middle of them.

“Yeah, Potter, WHAT THE HELL?” I yelled back, my wand still pointing in his direction, “I’ve been trying to ignore all your childish pranks for weeks for Sirius’ sake, but you’ve gone too far when you damaged books that are older than your fortune. I just woke up with my room and our library flooded and a possible expulsion in my head for being the source of the flood, which I didn’t do. So you tell me!”

“Prongs, what is she talking about?” Remus asked, now realizing how drenched I was. “Was that you?”

“What? No!” cried James, “as much as I’d like to take credit for making Saunders miserable, that’s not my fault.”

“And the pranks before this?” I chuckled bitterly when James didn’t deny it. “You know what? I don’t care; just give me the counterspell, then go back to being a useless dick and leave me alone.”

“I already told you it wasn’t me, you bitch!” James snarled, “You flatter yourself too much to think I’d waste my energy to even go to your dorm and do whatever you’re accusing me of!”

“And why should I believe you when you’ve been out for me since Halloween?” I hurled another spell at him, nearly striking Lily. James drew Lily behind him and again dodged the spell.

James was breathing heavily, his expression murderous at the thought of Lily being hurt. “You’re absolutely mental, Saunders. Walk away, NOW.”

“Lulu, he was with us the whole week,” Sirius reasoned calmly, “and he didn’t have time to—”

“And how would you know?” I snapped at him, “You weren’t even aware of what he was doing to me for weeks! I’ve been trying to tell you, yet you ignore me every time!”

“He can be an ass, yes, but he wouldn’t cross the line like that. Potter was helping me with my transfiguration essay both last night and this morning.” Lily added cautiously, “Do you think he’s smart enough to answer the riddle on your door?”

“Thanks, Lils,” James muttered sarcastically, rolling his eyes. Lily immediately quiets him with a discreet elbow jab at his side.

“So I should just dismiss what happened over the past few weeks and not suspect him, is that what you two are saying? Just because you two are vouching for him?” I looked furiously between Sirius and Lily and said, “Sorry. I can’t. Not when he’s still doing the things he apologised for. James Potter being an asshole outweighs anything good he has done.”

The pain was obvious on James’ face. His arm sagged as he drew his wand down. I truly don’t give a shit if I offend him or not. The fear of leaving Hogwarts trumped the desire to be in James Potter’s good graces. But I have to admit that seeing the pain in his brows made me feel a bit guilty.

A minute of disdainful staring was cut short when Professor McGonagall stormed down the corridor and demanded we explain to her what happened, glaring especially at James and the rest of the marauders when she spotted my robes were still damp.

Lily was the one who had to explain what had happened. Even if the Gryffindor head suspected the group of friends had something to do with what happened in the Ravenclaw tower, she reminded us that duelling is not the way to get answers.

A little while later, James and I were back in the professor’s office, being chastised for being reckless. James was uncharacteristically silent, not even attempting to get out of the three-month detention Professor McGonagall gave us that would start tomorrow night.

James responded, emotionless, after Professor McGonagall’s speech, “Can I go now?”

His head of house was visibly stunned by the latter’s lack of reaction. She allowed James to go after instructing him to talk to Professor Flitwick first. Without so much as a glance in my direction, he hurriedly left the office.

Not at all unfamiliar, is it?

I, too, hurriedly stood up and was about to leave the room when McGonagall called out and encouraged me to sit down.

“Professor Flitwick told me what happened inside your house, as well as your housemates,” the professor began. “For your peace of mind, no one would be expelled without a proper investigation. Professor Flitwick just said that because those books are mementoes from his students.”

I didn’t say anything as I continued to study my hands on my lap.

“I know that sometimes we say and do things out of rage, but we ought to think about how it might impact someone.”

“Are you saying that what I said to James was unfair?”

“You have every right to be angry, especially if you have a reason to be angry. But I wouldn’t want you to regret something you said one day.” Professor McGonagall indicated, “Wounds from our tongue are sharper than those given by knives.”

“I wish it were that simple, Professor; I know I shouldn’t be overreacting to something as trivial as a prank, but I was terrified that my entire future was at stake.” I sighed. “There was a moment during my birthday when I thought that Potter and I could be friends. But now, I just don’t think that it’s possible anymore.”

The guilt of hurting James with my words slowly came crashing down on me. I know I said that the possibility of us being friends anymore is impossible, but it’s not because of these petty pranks and fights between us. It’s because, as the realisation creeps in, I may have gone overboard when I snapped at James, especially when I told Lily that being an asshole outweighs anything good he has done.

How do I take that back?

“I’m not saying that you need to be friends with Mr Potter, Miss Saunders.” Professor McGonagall uttered, interrupting my thoughts, “All I’m saying is that you two should be civil with each other. And I urge you not to resort to duelling again, or I’ll be forced to tell Professor Dumbledore to consider expulsion.”

I nodded a little, my entire body going numb. I stood up slowly, sensing that the talk was done. Before I could leave her office, she said, “And Miss Saunders?”

Even though all I wanted to do was wallow in my guilt, I gave her a quick glance without any emotion on my face.

“Miss Lovegood and Mr Kim discovered who flooded your dorm after you left your tower, and Professor Flitwick has already spoken with Professor Dumbledore to determine what punishment is most appropriate for him.”

“Who?”

Professor McGonagall grimaced and continued, “Your fellow Ravenclaw, Barty Crouch Jr.”

What the actual fuck?

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