Sonder

━━━━━━━━━━

𝐎𝐏𝐈𝐀

/oh-pee-uh/ • [𝒏.]

The ambiguous intensity of looking someone in the eye, which can feel simultaneously invasive and vulnerable—their pupils glittering, bottomless and opaque—as if you were peering through a hole in the door of a house, able to tell that there’s someone standing there, but unable to tell if you're looking in or looking out.

. . • ☆ . ° .• °:. *₊ ° . ☆

“I’m on to you, Saunders.” someone growled in my ear, making me jump and wear my breakfast.

Here I was, drinking my coffee in peace, waiting for Sirius so that we could officially begin our 16-day celebration. Then James Potter sat beside me, scowling as he waited for me to clean up my spilt coffee. 

I’m not usually a morning person, but the excitement of spending the day with Sirius was so much that I couldn’t sleep the night before. After preparing some things that I think we might need for whatever Sirius has planned, I decided to take a walk and start my day early. 

I wanted to avoid the morning rush and the unnecessary chatter to explore the castle ground and see the creatures that I used to just read about in the books. It still fascinates me how complex and mystical some of these creatures are, so much so that when I made my way to where Hagrid encloses the creatures, Professor Kettleburn was already waiting for me to help feed some of them. He mentioned that he got worried when I didn’t come by for a few days because I do this every morning as my routine and have my daily serotonin boost.

I was reserving my energy for more important things, and socialising was not my priority. Good thing there weren’t a lot of students in the great hall since it was too early in the morning.

So why did I forget that James Potter wakes up at the crack of dawn for Quidditch practice like the complete nutcase that he is?

“What do you want, Potter?” I deadpanned, resisting the urge to say his last name like how Tom Felton says it in the movies. I bet it’ll irritate him to no end.

“Like you don’t know.” James said accusingly, “This pretence has got to stop before it starts.”

“Now you’re just being an annoying cryptic little shite.” I hissed, his eyes rolling, “If you want to play charades, go play it with your fangirls. You were doing so well ignoring me. Please don’t stop on my account.”

“You know… I would’ve tolerated you since you’re Sirius’ friend, but leading him on like this under the pretence of friendship is cruel.” James scrunched his nose in disgust, “I let this go on for two years. I’m not going to let this continue any further.”

I whipped my head in his direction and gaped at him, my skin stinging and my robes dripping in coffee. What in Merlin’s saggy balls is this idiot talking about?

“What the bloody hell are you talking about?”

“Now you’re playing naive. Typical,” James scoffed, “I don’t even see what Pads sees in you. I can’t believe he’s spending almost two weeks with a lunatic.”

“If you’re going to throw insults in my direction, you might as well not do it the first thing in the morning when my common sense hasn’t kicked in.” I grabbed a chalice of pumpkin juice from a nearby housemate and dumped the contents on James Potter’s enormous head, making him jump from the coldness and stickiness of the liquid, “NEXT TIME DON’T COME HERE AND ACCUSE ME OF SOMETHING CRYPTICALLY IDIOTIC, OR PUMPKIN JUICE ISN’T THE ONLY THING I’LL DUMP IN YOUR HEAD!”

I pulled out my bag from under the table and marched away, ignoring the whispers and staring. Before I was out of the great hall, I looked back at James, who was still gaping in my direction, frozen, and said, “Tell Sirius I’ll wait for him by the lake. If you try anything, I’ll feed you to the giant squid.”

Students around me stepped back and made a path as I grumpily marched to the black lake. By now, I was used to the rumours and condescending looks I got from my fellow peers. The version of me here was known for my temperamental mood and extreme eccentricity, not because I was a lunatic but because I wanted everyone to leave me alone. 

Their looks of disdain, utter irritation or simply ignorance were hard to decipher, especially when they knew so little about me or they chose not to know. But it was getting easier to ignore their whispering words since I was used to this in my current reality for the past five years, even if some were etched deep in my heart.

That’s why it’s better to have a few close friends.

If you have fewer people in your life, you’d be able to save yourself from future disappointments and heartaches. Opening up and being friendly to people is like putting a large knife in their hands and letting them gut you with your eyes wide open. I refuse to give people the room and the power to hurt me. That’s the one thing I could control in my life. That’s how I’ll survive.

But even if all else avoids me like the plague, one man breaks every barrier I put up.

James Fleamont Potter had to ruin my peace. 

Pandora described me as a mellow person who’s stuck in my world, daydreaming about opening an apothecary and caring for different magical creatures. No one batted an eye about it because it was considered an ordinary dream and career for wizarding folks. But the Gryffindor prince deemed me unhinged because of one stupid comment I made during our first year. So even my dreams were peculiar as a result.

What James failed to understand is his words hold more power than any weapon in one’s hand. A mere rumour can inflict unimaginable pain on someone, a lie can push one to their end, and a label can paint someone into becoming something they never were.

So with my aloofness, temper and abstruseness, James has painted a picture in everyone’s head that I was a complete nutcase. Hence, Lulu, the Cuckoo, was born.

So many things were still confusing and pissing me off in this reality, and James’ accusation was quickly climbing on top of that never-ending list. 

I sat on a flat stone near the edge of the lake, basking in the sun’s warmth as I thought about all the things that were similar and different from this reality and my current reality. 

I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn’t hear Sirius making his way towards my direction. A popping sound behind me made me jump from my seat. Seconds later, I was showered with colourful confetti and streamers.

I turned around and found a grinning Sirius holding a buttercream cake with lots of colourful sprinkles on top in one hand and a bunch of colourful balloons shaped like different kinds of wizarding world creatures in the other.

Remus lagged behind him, smiling softly with his hands inside his trouser pocket. I couldn’t help but beam at the sight, forgetting my previous woes.

“We heard about what you did to James.” Remus said, his eyes twinkling, “Brilliant job, by the way.”

“He deserves it. That bloody git.” I said to Remus. I turned to Sirius and looked at the balloons, “Where did you get this? They look so cute!”

“Moony told me Fortescue had already snitched.” Sirius grinned, handing me the strings to the balloons, “Prongs couldn’t get the balloon shapes and artwork right—almost drove him mad after all my nagging, so I went to Longbottom. Didn’t know that the bloke could do these kinds of things.”

I examined each of the balloons with careful eyes and was astounded by the details of each creature. One was a balloon shaped like a familiar black Hippogriff; his eyes were golden while the colours of his feathers were fading from black to almost gold as it reached the tip of its wings. 

“Is this—is this Duskfeather?” I asked in surprise—touched that Sirius remembered the Hippogriff I often visit at the paddock. I examined another brightly-coloured balloon shaped like a bird; only this one was pink and had a few long, thin tendrils on top of its head and tails, “A Fwooper?”

“Figured you’ll appreciate a variety of magical creatures as your first present,” Sirius said as I examined the balloons more. Sirius included other creatures such as Diricrawls, Demiguise, Occamy, Mooncalf and Niffler. I was gushing about the miniature version of the Antipodean Opaleye dragon when he added, “I know you wouldn’t be able to carry all those by yourself, so they’re inflatable now and will turn into stuffed toys when they reach your dorm.”

“Thank you!” I said excitedly, launching myself to Sirius to give him a bone-crushing hug, “Remus was right. You went overboard this year.”

“Everything for my favourite Ravenclaw,” Sirius hugged me back, a smile lingering on his lips when he pulled back, “Now… ready to skive off?”

Much to Sirius’ dismay and Remus’ approval, we didn’t skip classes. I insisted that we still attend classes and do whatever celebration we have in mind after classes. That way, we can do our homework during our free period and study for our upcoming OWLs.

I wasn’t sure if what I scripted in my Golden Trio DR regarding OWLs would also apply to my marauders one, so I don’t want to be complacent. Although it was hard catching up on the lessons, another thing that seems to stick with that script is that I have knowledge of the lessons from the first to fourth year, and I can easily retain any lectures moving forward.

“I don’t see why you even bother with studying. You never have to work a day in your life after you graduate!” Sirius whined on our way to the great hall, “It’s almost the weekend too.”

“Depending on your inheritance is such a slob thing to do.” I said casually, walking beside him, “And do you want to do all those essays on the weekends? Don’t you even dare because I rescheduled my date for whatever you planned!”

“I’ll have you know that being friends with Moony means you’ll never be behind on your schoolwork.” Sirius replied, “With your nagging, I might as well get top marks.” I jokingly slapped his shoulders, making him chuckle. “Besides, don’t you know the best output you can hand over is the one you procrastinated on?”

“Yeah, but unlike you, I want to enjoy the weekend without thinking about it.” I stated, “I hope you set aside a day so that after we study, we can drink whatever alcohol you bought afterwards.”

Sirius groaned, “You’re as bad as Evans.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment.”

We parted ways as we got to the great hall, going to our respective house tables to eat. I noticed that James glared in my direction while Peter tried to catch his attention. 

When Sirius sat across from him, James scowled at his best friend and said something that made Sirius bolster in laughter. It looked like Remus was on Sirius’ side for whatever they were talking about because soon after, James’ face turned red, and then not so subtly, they all turned to me, staring with different expressions on their faces.

I stared at them back. I don’t know what they were talking about, but I could only assume it was about my encounter with James this morning. Remus and Peter were the first to turn away, and then Sirius winked at me before returning to his food. 

But James didn’t turn away immediately. He gaped at me with such puzzlement that I wondered what was happening inside his big head. I couldn’t help but feel an unfamiliar flutter in my stomach. Despite all my hatred for the Gryffindor Prince, something about his gaze was hypnotising. 

I couldn’t look away.

Then I remembered what he did and his accusation. My pettiness overtook me, and I arched an eyebrow as I returned his gaze—taunting and intimidating him to look away first. 

He didn’t. 

Instead, he held my gaze as if he was also deciphering what was happening and why he couldn’t look away. There was softness in his brown eyes and maybe a bit of intrigue, but his gaze bore into me like it was his first time truly seeing me. 

I saw him swallow, his eyes flickering. I realised that this was also the first time James Potter had looked at me without hatred since I shifted here.

It wasn’t until the Slytherins and a few students from different houses burst into the great hall with greasy, shoulder-length black hairs in their heads—oddly similar to Snape’s—that the somewhat trance between us broke. Professor McGonagall rushed to the Gryffindor table and grabbed James and Sirius by the ear, yelling to the snickering Remus and Peter to follow.

Pandora and Xenophilius asked why my cheeks were red when they sat beside me afterwards. I couldn’t tell them that a small voice inside my head was screaming at me, questioning what had happened and gushing at how handsome James Potter was.

Whatever plans me and Sirius had for the evening got cancelled since they were given detention every evening until Halloween. So we would continue our celebrations over the weekends.

Sirius’ celebrations consist of pranks and games that are sort of healing for our inner child. I don’t know how he came up with most of it or if it was so much more for me than it was for him, but I couldn’t complain. Not when he spent so much time planning it, and I secretly enjoyed it.

On the first Saturday of our celebration, around the afternoon, I suggested we stand at the top case of the grand stairs and release a ton of colourful slinkies for a slinky race. The goal was to see how long it takes for one to go down while the stairs rotate in its odd moving pattern. 

Some students got annoyed, especially those who just wanted to use the stairs to reach their destination. But as the crowd grew when students from different houses joined, it became an inter-house competition. At one point, even Dumbledore joined the chaos, betting with McGonagall and Flitwick that his black and white slinky would first reach the ground.

Peter’s red and blue slinky won, much to Pandora’s dismay.

Sunday consisted of a Quidditch game with the Marauders. Although I was a decent flier, using my hand to hold the quaffle and dodge raging bludgers while doing so was something I hadn’t grasped. The Prewett twins joined us at Sirius’ insistence while Remus played referee to even the numbers. My team consisted of Sirius and Gideon, while the opposing team had James, Peter and Fabian.

“I’m going to play Keeper.” Sirius declared loudly, looking between Gideon and me, “You two, play nice.”

“Always, Black,” Gideon replied with a smirk. He then jerked his chin to James, whose jaws were clenched as he stared daggers in our direction, “I don’t see Potter this murderous during our matches.”

“Ignore him. He’s a bloody competitive git.” Sirius secured the strap on his gloves with his teeth, “Oi, Moony! You okay?”

We all turned to Remus, his scared face paler than we had seen it as he hovered in the middle of the pitch. He nodded meekly, not looking down in fear of falling.

“Is this considered as a date? I am spending my time with my favourite girl, after all.” Gideon innocently said beside me, “You look lovely, by the way.” 

I look down at my outfit and see nothing lovely about the henley tucked in my high-waist jeans and the black Converse on my feet. I was sure that my hair was a mess after practising flying on this windy day. The only good thing about me right now is Pandora insisting I wear light makeup to cover some blemishes and have that clean girl look.

Before I could reply, a bludger woosh in our direction. If it weren’t for Gideon’s beater reflexes, he and I would be knocked out cold from our brooms.

“Are you going to play or flirt around like a bunch of second years?” James impatiently yelled behind me.

“Someone’s cranky.” Fabian stated as he flew to Gideon’s side before the game started, “Want to switch? I don’t want to deal with a jealous Potter today.”

“Then play keeper and let Pettigrew handle him,” Gideon suggested, “Someone needs to show Potter how to handle his jealousy more maturely.”

“The idiot can have Sirius if he’s going to be a bitch about me being teammates with his best friend.” I grumpily said, flipping James off when I saw him still glaring at me, “I’m so sick of feeling like a mistress in their friendship.” 

“Oh, Lou,” Gideon cooed as he patted my head like a dog, “You’re so darn clueless it’s so precious.”

“Don’t ever change, Louise Saunders.” Fabian chuckled and yelled that he’d play keeper as well. He flew to the other side of the pitch, waiting for the game to start.

I stared at the twins in confusion, wanting to ask what they meant when Remus blew the whistle, signalling all participants to fly to the middle of the pitch.

Sirius told me this would be a light-hearted game to overcome my fear of being hit by a bludger. The game was point based, so instead of it ending when someone catches the golden snitch, it would end once a team reached 200 points.

So naturally, it turned competitive with Gideon and James being on opposing teams instead of being together in one. Remus had to warn them multiple times in the middle of the game to play nice before someone got hurt, but they didn’t listen.

It got to the point that James got so aggressive about taking the quaffle from Gideon that the redhead accidentally knocked me off my broom while avoiding James’ shoving. 

Good thing that Peter was near me and was able to catch me before I split my head. I walked away before I could explode on any of them while Remus did the yelling for me. And let me tell you, Remus Lupin has an extensive and colourful vocabulary when he’s pissed off.

Sirius found me on Wednesday after that, profusely apologising for how James and Gideon acted. He thought that I was avoiding him because I was pissed off, but the truth is, I let him be on the day of and after the full moon because I know how tired they get after accompanying Remus during his transformation. 

They didn’t know I knew about Remus’s condition. So the days apart were the perfect excuse to plan my side of our 16-day celebration. Since he still has detention after classes, the two of us could only celebrate during the weekends. 

On the 25th of October, I invited him to an abandoned classroom I decorated with different random trinkets to make it look more abandoned and eerie than it is. 

The goal is to discover all encrypted messages hidden around the room that will lead to objects that will help us find the key to unlock the door and the parchment that contains the location of his birthday present. Aside from making him work for his gift, I wanted to see how he would react to the horror theme of it. Remus insisted I include it when we were setting it up.

“If you wanted to lock me up in a room, all you had to do was ask. It’s like you don’t want me to get my gift.” Sirius whined as he read some parchment, “I already apologised for what happened on Sunday!”

“That’s not what this is, Sirius,” I said, smiling behind my teacup as I sat and watched him whimper at different ominous and spooky sounds that activate whenever he touched a specific object inside the room, “We’ve done your Gryffindor way of celebration, we might as well honour my house by doing something Ravenclaw.”

“And your idea of celebrating is a headache and a heart attack? If you haven’t noticed, Lulu, I don’t have the brain cells for this!” Sirius huffs, “And what if we don’t get out of here and no one finds my gorgeous body?”

“You’re already on your third clue. Don’t be such a wet blanket, Black.” I nonchalantly replied as I sipped more on my tea cup, ignoring his dramatic outburst, “You should give yourself more credit. You’re smarter than you think.” Sirius rolled his eyes, pausing briefly in fright when the lights flickered, “Plus, Remus knows where you’ll be. He was the one who helped me with this. So if we don’t come out of here within a specific timeframe, he will unlock us, but he gets to keep your present.”

“Don’t you Black me, Lulu. I’m going to make you two pay for this!” Sirius screamed and fell on his ass when he opened a cabinet, and a dummy dressed like a zombie sprung out. He clutched his chest, glaring at me. “I fucking hate you.”

“What was that?” I leaned towards him, pretending not to hear him. Then I touched several objects that would activate more ominous noises. 

Sirius was yelling curses at me at that point, looking almost comical as he screamed and begged me to stop what I was doing because the lights had gone entirely out at one point. The last one I activated was a signal for Headless Nick, who swooped in inside the classroom—his whole head titled aside—at the same time, the thunder roared outside the window. Sirius screamed hysterically on the floor.

“ENOUGH!”

“TAKE IT BACK!”

“NO!”

“ADMIT YOU LOVE ME!”

“NOT AFTER THIS, YOU DOLT!”

That goes on until both of us end up laughing hysterically after our craziness. Headless Nick went away after I thanked him for his service, making me promise to put a good word for him to the Headless Hunt.

“30 minutes, Sirius.” I gasped out after a laugh.

“Bollocks.” Sirius gritted his teeth and immediately stood, dusting his trousers, “You and your fascination with horror-themed anything are going to get me killed someday.”

Sirius found the last clue 20 minutes later, leading him to the key and the parchment. 

“Such a bothersome thing to get,” Sirius mumbled as he stared at a black motorcycle helmet I custom-painted. The Sirius constellation was prominent at the back portion next to the full moon as a sort of irony. “But where do I use this? Surely this isn’t used for Quidditch.”

“Oh, I’m sure you’ll think of something.” I smile as I skip beside him on our way to Ravenclaw tower, “You’ll thank me later.”

He looked at me like I was losing my mind. But his eyes softened as he traced the outer shape of the bright moon, chuckling when he understood.

Aside from Regulus, the thing that made our friendship stronger was our conversation about his confusion about his sexuality. Based on what I read in my diary, Sirius mentioned it in passing one night during the fourth year when we were smoking. I was the first one to know, from what I gathered. Although he was still confused about it, he was grateful that I hadn’t mentioned it again until he brought it up.

So even though what I’m about to ask might be prying, I must clarify some things to avoid misunderstandings. And maybe get that pesky Gryffindor out of my thoughts.

“Why does James think I’m leading you on?” I blurted out, making him pause, “Have you been confessing your undying love for me to him? Because I’m flattered. But we both know that I’m not your type.”

“What astounds me is the level of confidence you have whenever you’re with me,” Sirius teased, “And I’ll answer your question all in due time. Prongs now know you’re as good as a sister to me, so he won’t bother you like that moving forward.”

“That’s comforting.” I said sarcastically, then I eyed him suspiciously, “What are you planning, Black?”

“Oh, so we’re back to Black now?” Sirius sneered as I scoffed at him, “Trust me on this one, Lulu. You’ll thank me later.”

I couldn’t think of anything that would warrant me thanking Sirius when James Potter is concerned. But it was true that ever since that day in the great hall, he somehow toned down his spiteful attitude towards me and seemed to watch me curiously whenever he thought I was not looking.

Sometimes, I would catch him with his mouth open when he was near me as if he was about to say something but stopped himself at the last second. Pandora said that she overheard Lily and Alice talking about it when she and Xenophilius were snogging in the library. James was in one of his moods again, and Lily was curious about why my name is often mentioned whenever he rants to the rest of the Marauders.

He was still as obnoxious and arrogant as he was when I first met him, but I am now rarely included in the people he constantly torments whenever he is bored or hit when the marauders decide to pull a prank.

Although I prefer this calm between us, the butterflies fluttering in my stomach whenever he’s near me makes me uncomfortable. It also doesn’t help that those brown eyes and dazzling smile haunt me whenever I dream in this reality.

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