What's in a Name?
Darkness was falling as Ava and Beatrice slowly made it back to town. While the Halo had completed its healing process for Ava, she was still exhausted and sore, her uncharacteristic silence telling Beatrice as much. Beatrice, for her part, held the silence comfortably, happy to simply have Ava’s hand tangled in hers as they made their way to the apartment they once both shared.
“I’m sorry I don’t have any clothes for you. You can borrow mine for tonight and we’ll get you some things in the morning.”
“It’s okay,” Ava replied. “Thanks for letting me ‘crash’ here.” She eyed Beatrice with a huge smile on her face.
Beatrice simply shook her head and sighed. “What?” asked Ava, looking scandalized. “I thought bad puns were our thing?”
Beatrice continued to ignore her until they got to the door of the apartment. “I’m sorry if things are a bit of a mess. Next time if you could warn me before ‘dropping by’ I’ll be sure to tidy.”
“There it is.” Beatrice marveled at how happy Ava could look over such a simple thing. Her face was relaxed, her dark chocolate eyes half shut and her mouth, her mouth, radiant with a big, toothy grin. It was almost if she hadn’t been kept in another dimension for four months, right, two weeks, only to be sent back by a pissed off angel to fall to her death—again.
Ava was happy. The happiest she had been since the last time she had been in this little apartment. Since the last time she had been home. She was still the Warrior Nun. She still had responsibilities and worries for her sisters, the world as a whole and not in the least for the woman standing beside her. Reya still wanted her to fight for her in this upcoming Holy War. But for right now, in this moment, none of that mattered. It wasn’t real. The only real for Ava was here, the only place she ever called home, with Beatrice, the only woman she would ever love.
As they entered the apartment Ava scoffed. The place was immaculate. “What?” asked Beatrice. “A bit of a mess,” laughed Ava, “it’s cleaner than I’ve ever seen it before.”
A teasing smile formed on Beatrice’s lips as she took her jacket from Ava. “That’s because you haven’t been living here, darling,” she said lightly. “I was apologizing for how it will look tomorrow.”
Ava paused at the pet name, looking at Beatrice with fondness in her eyes, mouth slightly open, the corners of her lips upturned. She didn’t say anything; she simply crossed the room and wrapped her arms around Beatrice, burying her face into the crook of the taller woman’s neck. Beatrice stood and held Ava, running one hand through the Warrior Nun’s hair.
Beatrice pulled away first. Gently she moved her hands to cup Ava’s face. Her eyes wandered over every bit, searching out every feature, every soft curve, every minute imperfection as if she hadn’t already memorized them all since they had first met. “I’ll go make us some dinner,” she said and she moved toward the kitchen. “You must be starving,” she added.
Ava exhaled abruptly once Beatrice broke contact, unaware she had been holding her breath while looking into her love’s eyes. Her gaze longingly followed Beatrice into the kitchen as she watched her work. Every move was deliberate and efficient. Beatrice prepared the simple meal with the same smooth confidence Ava had seen her do everything else in life. Ava sighed contentedly as she watched her. “Thanks, Beatrice.” The older woman paused in her work and looked at Ava out of the side of her eye, a smile gracing her lips.
They ate in comfortable silence. Two people with a world’s worth of discussions that needed to be had, but happy to revel in the fact that right now they had time. Time to reconnect. Time to be together. Time to simply be. So they ate. Stolen glances between bites were rewarded with smiles which in turn were repaid with shy looks and blushes. New, nervous tension in the air was undercut by the simple fact that their relationship was so natural and easy, that words were unnecessary.
The tension started to thicken after the meal.
Once everything was cleaned up, Ava became even more obviously exhausted.
“Did you want to get cleaned up at all?” Beatrice asked, looking at Ava with concern.
“I’m not sure I won’t fall asleep in the shower,” Ava joked, stifling a yawn.
“That’s okay,” Beatrice responded. “We’ll just get some sleep and get cleaned up in the morning?”
The younger girl nodded. She gave Beatrice a shy, unsure look and seemed to shrink in upon herself.
“Darling, what is it?”
“I just,” she began, tears starting to form, voice breaking. “I just want to believe this is real.” Ava looked so uncharacteristically small and scared, not at all the brash, over-confident warrior she had become.
Beatrice’s heart broke.
“This is going to sound strange and—and I get it if it makes you uncomfortable and it’s really silly and I’m not sure why I’m asking this but it’s just I think it will help me feel better about being back and knowing that I’m back and…” Beatrice took a step forward and cut her off with gentle kiss.
“Darling, you’re babbling. Now take a deep breath and why don’t we just talk about…”
“Will you sleep naked with me?” Ava burst out.
Beatrice’s brain broke. Her round, wide eyes blinked rapidly as she stood perfectly still. She could feel her heart trying to escape her ribcage.
“Look,” said Ava, trying to minimize the damage but also really, really wanting to push Beatrice a little on this request. “We don’t have to do anything else.” She swallowed down the lump developing in her throat at the thought. “It’s just that when we touch—when you hold my hand or touch my face, it feels right and I feel safe and I just think if I could maybe have more of that…”
“Okay,” said Beatrice quietly, cutting her off and sounding much more sure of herself than she felt.
“What? O-okay?” Ava’s face instantly lit up as relief washed over her. Beatrice smiled and gave Ava a small nod. In this moment, there was nothing that Beatrice would not do for this woman.
They stared at each other.
“So—what now?” Ava asked.
“I’ve never done this before,” replied Beatrice with a shrug and a why are you asking me sort of tone.
“Well, okay, well I guess,” said Ava, looking down and fingering her shredded clothing, wondering where to start.
Beatrice took a deep shuddering breath. “Alright,” she said, taking pity on the younger woman. “I’ll go first.” She started by reaching up and freeing her hair from its bun. Ava sighed as she watched the raven locks cascade down to her shoulders. She loved Beatrice’s hair down. The highlights are gone. Beatrice lifted her face to Ava’s with a half-smile gracing her lips, head tilted demurely to the side and Ava had to grab hold of the table behind her to steady her legs.
Never taking her eyes off Ava, the sister warrior slowly reached one hand to the collar and her other hand to the zipper of her hiking sweater. Ava swallowed heavily as she watched the sweater open, fully aware that Beatrice was observing her carefully, eyes open for even the slightest reaction. Her hand trembled as it moved the zipper down bit by bit, agonizingly slow. Ava continued to watch, she’s pretty sure she’d forgotten how to blink, as Beatrice’s uncovered skin was revealed, showing her wearing nothing underneath but a black sports bra. Ava can’t be sure how many days had passed in the time it took for Beatrice to unzip and remove her sweater but she’s pretty sure it didn’t matter anymore since obviously time was about to stop forever.
“Wow,” Ava whispered as the sweater hit the floor. This should not have been as major as it seemed. The two women had lived together in this small apartment for two months. They both saw plenty of skin. But there was just something about knowing what was coming next that made every single action all the more intimate and intense.
Beatrice stood for only a moment after removing her top before she started undoing her pants. Her eyes had still not left Ava’s face and she hadn’t made a sound. Ava’s not even sure she’s breathing. Moments later she was standing before Ava in nothing but her bra and underwear, hands clasped together in front of her and worrying her bottom lip.
Ava realized she was waiting for something. “Beatrice,” she whispered, taking in the taller woman’s shapely legs and soft curves. “You’re gorgeous.” She said it as a prayer, reverent and humbled that she’s the first person to ever get to see the other woman like this.
Ava’s response got Beatrice breathing again. Her relief was obvious as her stance became more relaxed. She approached Ava and began helping her take off her tattered garments, lifting what was left of her shirt up over her head. Beatrice paused. She brushed her fingers gently over Ava’s exposed torso, paying close attention to the spots where she knew for certain shards of divinium had been lodged only months before, causing Ava to shiver. She brought her eyes up to Ava’s face and pressed her lips into the Halo Bearer. There was hunger in their kiss. A desire to be sure, for both of them to know without a doubt that they were not going to wake up in the morning to yet another impossible dream. A longing for closeness, for love, for pleasure. Beatrice pushed that last one down for now. Breaking the kiss, she and Ava together fumbled at the fastenings for Ava’s pants.
Once she stepped out of her pants, Ava took a step back so that she and Beatrice could see all of each other. Interesting, we match. She realized that she was still wearing the standard underwear issued for missions at the OCS. Beatrice must wear the same whenever she hikes. Mirroring each other’s movements, they both reached up behind their backs to unhook their bras. Beatrice’s blush was starting in her chest and working its way up her face. Ava could feel her face getting hot and imagined that she must be just as flushed. At the same time they were both forced to look away to lift the sports bras over their heads.
They held each other’s eyes, chocolate and amber mixing together in the reachable space between them, silently asking permission to move their gazes down. Surprisingly, Beatrice, controlled, disciplined Beatrice, broke first. Her breath caught in her throat at her first sight of the Halo Bearer’s bare chest. Ava immediately followed suit. As far as Ava was concerned this view of Beatrice was nothing short of spectacular. Once again, Ava felt the need to verbalize her thoughts to the stunning woman standing across from her.
“Holy fuck!”
“Language,” Beatrice responded automatically, still staring at Ava’s breasts.
The absurdity was too much and Ava burst out laughing.
She was doubled over, tears streaming down her face and gasping for breath. She looked over and saw Beatrice, her mouth in her hands and her body shaking as she also broke down in laughter. The tension in the room evaporated as the two women, one the most accomplished and possibly deadliest sister warrior to ever come out of the OCS, the other a divine super heroine with virtually unstoppable power, struggled to contain their giggling.
Beatrice uncovered her face and looked at Ava who was beaming at her as she composed herself. She let out a huge sigh with a smile on her face. “I’m,” Beatrice began with a shrug, “not even embarrassed anymore. You are breathtaking. Shall we?” She gestured to the bed. “Yes please!” Ava replied, practically bouncing.
Ava was melting. She sighed deeply, feeling her body inflate down to her toes and gradually, painfully slowly she could sense every single muscle in her body as it relaxed while she expelled the air from her lungs. The skin to skin contact helped keep her grounded and safe. There was no safer place she could be than lying almost naked in a bed with Beatrice while the love of her life held her.
“Thank you for this,” said the younger woman. “Lying here with you, feeling you against me like this, listening to your heartbeat, I just—I know this probably isn’t that easy for you.”
“On the contrary,” answered Beatrice, quietly. “I’ll admit I was certainly nervous at first but,” she paused, searching for the right words to convey her sentiment. “This feels natural.”
Ava’s smile could have lit up the dark room. “I’m glad to hear that. Still, it’s not an easy admission for a nun to make.”
“I’m not a nun anymore, Ava,” Beatrice replied, a hint of melancholy—Is that regret? —in her voice. Ava lifted her head from Beatrice’s breast and looked at her. The sister warrior had a small smile on her face that didn’t quite reach her eyes, which were starting to glisten. “I recanted my vows a few days after—after you left. I just couldn’t see…”
“You gave up your vows for me?” Ava interrupted.
Beatrice sighed. “It’s not quite that simple. I just didn’t belong there anymore, in a church that taught me to hate who I am, in a faith that was corrupted by a demon, training new sister warriors without you.” She fixed Ava with an intense stare. “So I left and I tried. I failed miserably, but I tried to do what you asked of me.” She would never say this out loud or possibly even admit it to herself, but Ava knew what that simple declaration meant. Beatrice had traded in her dedication to the church for dedication to Ava.
Ava knew she wouldn’t, couldn’t ever let Beatrice down. She cupped Beatrice’s cheek with her hand and placed a loving yet chaste kiss upon her lips. “I love you, Bea,” she said.
“I love you too, Ava.”
Ava nestled herself back into the crook of Bea’s neck, once again aware of the fact that she and the former nun were both naked except for a thin layer of fabric each. She put an arm around Bea’s chest and she moved her leg up and across her partner’s thighs in an effort to pull her closer. One of Bea’s hands was making circles on the small of Ava’s back while she brought her other hand to stroke the younger woman’s bicep. A couple minutes of comfortable silence and Ava had to ask her something. A thought that had been on her mind since they had first started living together in this little apartment was stealing its way toward her mouth. Her question seemed to make more sense now, given Bea’s recent confession.
“Are you still Beatrice? I mean, don’t lots of nuns take new names when they take their vows?”
“Not all nuns change their names, Ava.”
“I know. It’s just something I’d been wondering about for a while. If you did change it though, do you stay Beatrice once you recant?”
Ava could hear the smile as Bea answered her questions abruptly. “I did change it; I don’t have to change it back and I honestly haven’t given it any thought. I’ve been Beatrice for so long,” she let the thought drift away and settled back into a comfortable silence, still smiling down at the top of Ava’s head.
“Oh,” said Ava simply. She wanted to continue to push but was concerned that she might be drifting into some bad memories given what she knew about the older woman’s past. She started to fidget.
Bea let her stew in the silence for another minute before showing mercy. “My name was Gabrielle, before I took my vows. I took the name of Saint Beatrice, a daughter of nobility who was imprisoned by her family and then escaped to found the Order of the Immaculate Conception, an order of nuns.”
“Gabrielle,” said Ava gently, as if trying it out. “Gabrielle. Gabrielle, Gabby, Bea,” she smiled, only Beatrice would have made such a connection, and with a small laugh says “Beatrice.”
“Beatrice, yes,” Bea chuckled, saying it with her. Tears began to form as she continued to smile fondly at the name.
Ava pulled herself up on her elbow to look down at the other woman. “I like Gabrielle.”
Bea sighed. When she spoke, her voice was calm and sad and the tears began to slowly run down her cheeks. “Gabrielle was a scared little girl,” she explained. “Wondering what she did wrong and how can she fix it and why…” her voice broke a little and she cleared her throat. “Beatrice was constantly looking to be valued. She couldn’t be anything less than the best. Always looking for redemption for everyone else’s sins as well as her own.” She looked directly at Ava again, her gaze soft and loving, watery amber eyes wide and inviting and a smile so beautiful that it made Ava’s mouth go dry and she’s not sure she’ll ever be able to speak again. “But Bea,” she said simply, “Bea belongs only to you.”
For the second time that day, Ava Silva was rendered speechless.