We'll Never Have Sex
“You look perfect, you look different
I don't wonder about your indifference
If I said you could never touch me
You'd come over and say I looked lovely
Oh, you kissed me just to kiss me
Not to make me cry
It was simple, you are sweetness
Let's just sit a while.”
– “We’ll Never Have Sex” by Leith Ross
-------------------------------------------------
“Go out with me.” Vi said, her and Caitlyn standing at the balcony of some rich college kids party.
“What?” Caitlyn asked with a small laugh.
“You heard me. Let me take you on a date.” Vi nodded.
“Vi, you know my mother. You know how crazy she’ll turn if I start dating during finals.” Caitlyn scoffed, taking a sip of her drink.
“Then let me take you out after. Nothing fancy. A movie and some ice cream.” Vi held a hand out, to shake on it.
Caitlyn could never resist that charm. That smile, those eyes, Vi. She bit the inside of her cheek before moving to shake Vi’s hand.
“Deal.”
—
Vi didn’t realize she was already out of gas by the 4th hour of her trip. She semi-planned this trip, but knew where her end was. A flower field in Washington, where her mother and Vander went. Going from Texas to Washington was only a two day trip, but Vi needed more time.
So, she was headed to a camping spot in New Mexico, more towards California.
Vi found her way to a gas station to stop for some snacks, an energy drink, and of course some gas-
The small ding rang through the small shop, Vi moving inside to search for the cold section of the store. She was just in search of a Pacific Punch Monster… bingo! Will this give her a heart attack? Maybe. Did she grab two? Yep!
Vi grabbed some gummy worms before moving up to the front to pay. She didn’t even recognize the worker until her own name was said.
“Vi?” The red-headed worker said with a bit of excitement. Red hair, sharp eyes, a small mole on her lip- Sarah Fortune. You’ve gotta be fucking kidding-
“Sarah?” Vi questioned with a smile, trying to be polite.
“Holy shit- what are you doing here? Don’t you live in Dallas?” Sarah asked, moving hair out of her face.
“I- uh- yeah! Yeah, I do, I’m just… on a trip currently.” Vi set her items down and rubbed the back of her neck. “What are you doing working at a gas station?” She asked.
“You know me, I’m always moving around, plus I’m only a cruise director for 6 months out of the year, so for four months, I gotta find something to keep me busy.” Sarah shrugged before she gasped-
“Is that a ring? Did the Kiramman’s finally claim you?” Sarah grabbed Vi’s hand, moving to look at the band.
Claim me? Kiramman’s don’t own me- it wasn’t worth it.
“Yeah, Caitlyn proposed a few years ago, we’ve been married for 2 ½ years.” Vi explained with a nod, Sarah dropping her hand.
“You don’t seem that excited.” Sarah tilting her head.
“I-I am excited I’m just… Look, I'm on a self-discovery journey right now. Let’s just ring this up so I can be on my way?” Vi asked. Sarah looked at her before huffing-
“Alright Violet.” Sarah didn’t push and rung her up.
“I am happy for you though… don’t go doing stupid shit. She’s a good one.” Sarah didn’t look at Vi until handing her the receipt.
“It’s good to see you.” Vi nodded, taking the receipt.
“Don’t be a stranger!” Sarah yelled as Vi left, waving her hand as a goodbye.
And once her car was filled up, she continued on the trip!
—
“Cait?” A soft voice spoke from outside the bathroom door with an even softer knock.
Caitlyn chose to ignore it, pulling her knees up to her chest.
“Caitlyn, it’s me, Vi. Cmon, let me in. You can’t hide in there forever.” Vi whispered.
“Vi, please leave me alone.” Caitlyn whispered, holding back a sob.
Caitlyn’s mother was dead. A deadly car crash and a drunk driver. Caitlyn had been so mad at her mother that morning, only to find out the next day she had passed. It was a year into their relationship.
“Okay.” Vi whispered.
It was left at that before Caitlyn realized that hiding was useless. She… she couldn’t bring her mother back.
Caitlyn moved over to the door, placing a hand on the door to turn it. She never locked it. But pulling the door back, Vi appeared, falling back but catching herself and looking up from the ground.
Seeing Vi… made the dam break. Caitlyn just started to cry. Vi was quick to stand up, wrapping her arms around her girlfriend and comforting.
“Let it out, baby. Let it all out.” Vi whispered.
Vi was always there for her.
—
That morning, Caitlyn found herself sick out of her mind.
The second she woke up, she threw up into the toilet with a small sigh.
Tobias came to check on her, offering soup and holding her hair back.
She assumed it was because of the stress of trying to be okay with what Vi was doing.
Vi was allowed to do this. Allowed to go on a road trip. This wasn’t a deal breaker for Caitlyn at all.
But the timing was awful as Vi was going through a rough emotional patch by herself-
The thought just made Caitlyn throw up again.
—
Vi soon arrived at the campsite after another hour of driving. There weren’t many people there, so she went to the open campsite and began setting up.
First her tent, then a chair and logs for a fire, then blowing up the air mattress and sleeping bag.
“Excuse me?” A male voice spoke up.
Vi looked up and over, seeing an elderly man walking over.
“Yes sir?” Vi asked.
“Hi, I’m Randal. My wife and I are right over there in our camper, we are trying to start a fire, but my… my old bones, I can barely lift the axe. Can you help us?” Randal asked, giving a small smile. How could Vi say no?
“Of course.” Vi smiled and followed him over to his camp.
“My name is Vi.” Vi introduced, holding a hand out to shake his hand and gave a small wave to his wife who was knitting in a rocking chair outside.
But Vi went to work as Randal asked questions.
Whack. Vi slammed the axe down to cut the log in half.
“Where you from, Vi?” Randal asked.
“Dallas, Texas. I’m on a solo trip currently.” Vi answered.
“And who’s the lucky guy?” The man asked, pointing to the ring.
“Or girl, Randal, be open!” His wife yelled. Vi laughed.
“Caitlyn, my wife. Almost 3 years.” Vi nodded.
“Any photos?” Randal asked.
And that is how Vi ended up sitting with this elderly couple, showing photos of Caitlyn to the elderly woman. Her name was Ester.
“Oh my goodness, she is gorgeous.” Ester gasped, a hand moving to Vi’s arm.
“Why isn’t she with you here?” Ester asked.
“Work. She’s a very important woman, so I just decided to go alone, but she’ll be with me next time.” Vi smiled, the words making Ester pinch Vi’s cheek.
“I remember when Randal liked me. 40 years with this hunk.” Ester winked.
“Dear, I love you more than the moon.” Randal said.
“I know, I love you more than the stars.” Ester said.
It was cute. Vi knew this is what her and Caitlyn would be like. God, she missed Caitlyn.
But knows she needed to get away.
She wasn’t getting away from Caitlyn at all. Vi was getting away from herself, the life that she was mourning and trying to fix. Caitlyn understands.
That night, Vi kept the top open to her tent, eyes staring up at the beautiful stars. So, Vi started a voice memo.
“Hey, it’s me. Vi. You already know that.” Vi sighed. “I… I miss you. I don’t know if I’ll send this to you, I don’t want you to miss me. I know you hate this. I know you rather had placed me in handcuffs and kept me at home.” Vi let out a small laugh.
“But I’m thankful you didn’t. I’m so thankful for you, Caitlyn. I’m grateful and so in love with you. I met this elderly couple, they asked me a million questions and said you were gorgeous and that I was lucky to have you. And I am very lucky to have you.” Vi trailed off, falling silent.
“Fuck,” Vi’s voice cracked, trying not to cry, “I hate myself. I hate that I’m doing this to you and the family. It’s hard to explain myself, explain how stuck I was, how stuck I am, without hurting you or Jinx or, hell, even Vander.” Vi adjusted and turned over in the mattress and sleeping bag, the motion being picked up in the voice memo.
“I love you. More than the moon and the stars.” Vi whispered before ending the voice memo. She sent it, but with the wifi, it won’t send for a while, and Vi was now falling asleep…
—
“I’ve never…” Vi trailed off, rubbing the back of her neck.
Currently, the two were sitting crisscrossed on Caitlyn’s bed, facing each other. They were regularly talking as if they didn’t just make out earlier-
“You’ve never let anyone… touch you?” Caitlyn asked.
Vi felt too vulnerable at this moment. This secret she had never said out loud.
“I… yeah I’ve never let anyone… top me? No that sounds… well yeah…” Vi felt her cheeks grow red, trying to think of a way to describe this.
“Is that why you never let me touch you? When we have sex?” Caitlyn said. Vi just says it, it was always so odd and so open.
“Yeah… I-I don’t hate it! I love you and your body and your sounds, the way I make you feel… I just… I knew I couldn’t avoid it forever.” Vi looked away.
Then a hand snaked up to her cheek, moving her to look at Caitlyn.
“Do… would you like me to touch you?” Caitlyn whispered.
Vi was split open. Heart practically in Caitlyn’s hand, every emotion and feeling was Caitlyn’s now.
“Yes.” Vi nodded.
And Caitlyn did that.
Lips pressed against Vi’s neck and jaw, left hand under the waistband of Vi’s shorts, rubbing in tight, yet wonderful circles where she needed it.
Not sex at all, a love, a love so strong between two people.
—
That morning, Randal and Ester offered Vi a ride on their boat to a small part of the lake with a cliff! She mentioned having one back home so they offered!
The pontoon was very cute and Randal looked very small driving it- they should buy a boat back home. Caitlyn would buy it in seconds
“Can you film this for my wife?” Vi asked, handing her phone to Ester who happily did so!
As she climbed up the rocks, she couldn’t help but remember the climb she took to find her wife on her knee, in love with her.
Vi got to the top in her black binder top and swim shorts, standing at the edge of the cliff. She smiled and gave a wave to Estee who was proudly recording.
Vi stepped back with a small huff.
ForCaitlyn.
—
Caitlyn took Vi on a hiking trail almost 3 ½ years ago. It was their favorite trail and favorite hobby and Vi’s favorite girl.
“The sunset is almost done, cmon!” Caitlyn giggled, pulling Vi along before turning to climb up a small rock wall.
“Geez, cupcake, slow down!” Vi said, a small laugh, shaking her head and moving to follow Caitlyn. Caitlyn hopped up and onto solid ground.
“No more caffeine for her.” Vi mumbled before moving up the wall. She placed her hands on the top, on the ground, lifting herself up and moving a knee up to push the rest of her body up.
“Remind me to hide coffee from you-” Vi looked up and moved to sit up on her knees before her eyes widened.
Caitlyn was on one knee, her left knee, holding a small, red velvet box, open with a silver ring. The sunset behind her, as well as a picnic blanket and a picnic basket.
“Violet… you are my world. You are my everything. You are the love of my life. I know we hadn’t talked about marriage much, but I don’t care about the papers. Vi, I want you to be mine. I want to be yours. I want this to be ours. Please, if you will, marry me?” Caitlyn’s accent softened as she tried to explain her feelings. She watched Vi move to her feet, shocked, before slowly moving over and moving to her knees in front of Caitlyn to pull her into a kiss.
“Yesyesyes-” Vi mumbled between kisses, tears falling from her eyes before pulling away so Caitlyn could slide the ring onto her finger. Caitlyn let out a wet laugh, tears now filling her eyes before they both pulled each other in for another kiss.
—
Vi then ran as quick as she could with a big smile on her face and jumping from the cliff and into the ocean with a scream.
For me.
For us.
–
That night, Vi found herself a little too drunk with Randall and some other campers around a big campfire. Randal going on about the Vietnam war before nudging Vi.
“Your parents did tours, what are they up to now?” Randal asked. Vi paused.
“Umm they passed away when I was little, but they did a lot of camping and road trips, but my uncle also was in the military and he is just tending to his bar-” Vi mumbled, making everyone get quiet.
“Mood killer, my bad.” Vi chuckled, making everyone laugh a bit.
“If it makes you laugh, my dad was severely balding, so I’m just waiting my turn-” Vi did make everyone laugh with that one!
“Have you ever had a buzz cut?” One person asked.
And now, here Vi was, sitting in a chair sitting in a trash bag and a beach towel around her.
“You sure you wanna do this?” Another person said.
“Yeah, what about your wife?” Another asked.
“She’ll be fine, I haven’t had a hair cut in years so- maybe she wanted this.” Vi mumbled before the soft buzz of the electric razor before it touched her forehead and moved back…
–
Caitlyn stood in the bathroom of her and Vi’s bedroom. In a purple robe, she just stared at herself, trying to look for… anything.
“Cait? Caitlyn?” Jinx called out.
“In here!” Caitlyn answered, turning her head to the door that was slightly open.
“Just in case.” Jinx said when she walked in, hand over her eyes and hand out to make sure she didn’t walk into anything. Caitlyn scoffed. Jinx laughed.
It wasn’t until Jinx moved her hand down when she realized the situation.
Caitlyn standing next to the white counter. The white counter. The white counter with a stick on it. No. The white counter with a pregnancy test on it. Caitlyn is standing there with a pregnancy test on the counter. Jinx hurry up-
“Oh my god.” Jinx whispered, looking at the test before looking at Caitlyn who just… smiled.
“I’m pregnant.”