My Little Love
“My little love
I see your eyes widen like an ocean
When you look at me so full of my emotions
I'm finding it hard to be here, sincerely
I know you feel lost, it's my fault completely
Tell me you love me
I love you a million percent”
– “My Little Love” by Adele”
-------------------------------------------------
Those kids look up to you.
Yeah, I know.
No, you know, but you don’t know.
When people look up to you,
You don’t get to be selfish.
You say run,
They run.
You say swim,
They dive in.
You say like a fire,
They show up with oil.
Whatever happens…
It’s on you.
—
“Oh wow, you’re gonna kill me if you see this.” Vi said as she took a front camera video, looking at her new shaved head! A soft, pink buzz cut. Yeah, she is never drinking with a bunch of strangers ever again…
Utah was a very pretty place to drive through.
The horizon lined with nothing but mountains and mountains before getting to the flatlands of the dried out lakes.
Gorgeous even.
She had just left New Mexico, making sure to get Randal and Ester a good bottle of wine before leaving them to become strangers.
So, Vi parked on the side of the road, gathered her gear… and started her hike.
Hiking is something she shared not only with Caitlyn, but with her family.
Vander driving her and her siblings to forest hikes in high school before helping them do the harder ones when they got a bit older.
Mainly because Vander wanted them to actually appreciate the views and not fall to their death-
Vi wasn’t hiking anything crazy, you could see the top of the hill from her car.
But it seemed to be maybe an hour or two hike. Nothing too bad.
—
“Everyone got their stuff? Backpacks, signed syllabus, everyone has their underwear on?” Vi skimmed through the list, making sure her younger siblings were ready for school. 16 and already dragging them around.
Vi had taken care of her siblings due to Vander drinking himself to an almost death.
Her parents death broke almost everyone in town, so the family was in despair.
Vi could only gather a few tears before puffing up her chest, putting on a smile, and being there for her siblings.
Did she even mourn her parents? Or did she mourn the person she could’ve been if her childhood wasn’t so short?
—
Vi couldn’t help but think of others. Using her phone to get shots that Ekko would appreciate, Jinx too. Or a photo of some frog for Mylo. Claggor was easier to please, so a photo of the view was good for him.
Caitlyn brought back the spark of hiking again. She’s glad she could do it now.
Vi was moving towards a more wooden area when there was a tad bit of rain, more of just a light sprinkle. Nothing too crazy.
But it wasn’t until it got a bit too slippery, forgetting to change into boots, causing her to catch herself on a thin tree… only for the tree to bend under her weight.
“Shit- shitshit-“ Vi cursed before she was sent to the side, falling, rolling, and sliding down the side of the hill.
Luckily, it wasn’t a long fall, but unluckily, due to the rain and now unfamiliar area, and thick trees, she was… lost.
Vi winced at the pain in her lower back and ankle, causing her to just lay on her back for a moment.
She moved to reach for her phone and- fucking busted. The photo of her and Caitlyn now shattered and flickering.
She just laid her arm back down, letting the phone settle in her hands as rain prickled and tickled her face.
That knocked the wind out of her.
—
“Vander.” Vi said, watching the older guy lay in his recliner, drunk out of his mind.
“Vander… Vander!” Vi yelled finally, causing him to groan, a small mumble.
“I need an adult for Powder’s parent-teacher conference.” Vi said.
“Get… get Benzo.” Vander mumbled.
“He isn’t on her guardian sheet.”
“Get Sevika.” Vander said.
“Vander.” Vi warned.
“Fucking kids-“
“Okay, I’m done- get your fat ass up!” Vi yelled. She grabbed his arm, trying to pull him up.
“You don’t get to do this to us! You don’t get to do this at all!” Vi pulled harder before she lost her grip and fell back.
“I didn’t get to mourn so why do you!?” Vi’s voice cracked, tears pooling in her eyes.
Vander just stared at her, lost.
“You get to drink and be useless, I can’t do that! I have to watch over kids that aren’t mine! Now get the fuck up! I’m so tired! I’m so tired…” Vi shook her head, hands moving to wipe at her eyes.
Vander changed that day.
—
Vi finally got up after sitting for almost an hour. Once the shock wore off, she shoved her broken phone in her bag before moving to push herself up on a rock. She winced, her ankle blaring with pain. Great.
“Hello!?” Vi yelled, looking around. No answer. Okay- okay, you can do this.
She looked down and around- she’s on a trail. So just… just follow this trail, got it.
Vi limped her way along the barely noticeable trail, glancing around at any noises.
She was alone.
Yes, she was alone on this trip.
She took this trip alone, but this was a different type of alone.
There was no music to drown out her thoughts. No one asked her to help chop wood, nothing like that. Vi was in the middle of the woods with her consciousness.
And of course, her consciousness made her think of her family.
Growing up, life… it wasn’t terrible. As kids, their parents made sure Vi and Powder were safe and sound from anything bad. Felicia and Connol did their best. They moved around a lot, a military family. From Georgia to Florida, to Hawaii to Japan, then settling for Texas for a while.
Once their parents died, Texas became… hated. Vi hated the memories it brought back in high school, but now being older, she realized those memories are what she needed in life to keep their memory going.
But Powder on the other hand… took a different turn.
Her sister was distraught. Vi did her best to make sure she was able to cry, able to mourn. As well as keeping Mylo and Claggor happy in the mix as well.
Recently though, Vi is proud of what Jinx has become. The person she is and the morals she has held. And Vi made an oath to make sure they never go through a rough patch again.
—
“Vi, you’re insufferable!” Jinx yelled, giving a groan. She was a teenager, so of course Jinx was always moody and bitchy.
“I’m not trying to be, Jinx.” Vi sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose.
“I just want you to focus on school, and this going around blowing shit up act isn’t going to help. You can use your big brain to do more than reckless things!” Vi rose her voice just a bit, stepping forward. Authority. Wanting Jinx to know Vi was in fact the adult over her.
“God I…” Don’t say something you’re gonna regret, “ wish you had died instead mom and dad!” Jinx yelled, squeezing her eyes shut. In the moment, it’s how she felt. Her truth.
Vi stood there, eyes slightly wide as she looked at her sister. Jinx couldn’t tell what Vi was thinking.
Then Vi’s bottom lip quivered. She clenched her jaw and blinked back her tears.
“Go to your room.” Vi whispered ever so slightly.
“Vi, I’m-“
“Go!” Vi yelled.
Jinx blinked before she let her head hang low, moving upstairs.
Vi let out a shaking breath, lip still quivering and trying to hold back her emotions. She just grabbed her coat and left for a night ride.
“You and Jinx fighting again?” A voice pulled her out of her thoughts, causing her to stop at the front door and turn. On the couch, Mylo was playing video games while Claggor sat on the floor, looking over at Vi.
“Look-“
“You’re fine, Vi. If you need to run, you can. I’m not gonna hold you back. You’re doing your best, sis. I can hold the fort while you breathe.” Claggor gave his stupid smile, pushing up his glasses before looking at Mylo.
Claggor didn’t know it yet, but Vi really needed that.
—
Vi did make her way around and back onto the trail she was on in the beginning!
She couldn’t help but let out a huge sigh of relief and made her way back to her car!
The second she got in her car though… the dam broke loose.
Vi just started to cry.
She didn’t know if it was the crash of adrenaline, the wave of shock leaving her, or… the thought of what Jinx said that night.
I wish you died instead of them.
They passed that road years ago.
Jinx and Vi were in the best part of their lives right now. They and their brothers loved each other and respected each other. But damn did it hurt for a while.
—
The next few weeks, the two completely ignored each other.
Vi made Jinx’s breakfast, lunches, and dinners. Drove her to school. Drove her to after school functions.
But tonight was different.
Vi was doing homework at the dining table when Jinx reached the bottom of the stairs, Vi looked over.
“Can you… help me with my braids?” Jinx asked in a small whisper, fingers picking at her hands.
Vi stared at her before she sighed and nodded, moving to stand up and followed Jinx up the stairs and to the bathroom.
They were silent as Vi brushed and braided Jinx’s hair. Then…
“I love you, y’know?” Vi started. Jinx looking at her through the mirror. She wasn’t looking back.
“I care about you, I want to help you in life. I want to do what I think mom and dad would do, but if I’m being honest… I have no idea what I’m doing, okay?” Vi clenched her jaw.
“Vander is busy and usually drunk on the couch, I have no adult to help me with this, I just need you to know that. Clagg is helping the best he can, but he’s just a kid like you guys.” Vi said. Her face didn’t show any emotion.
Then she finally looked at Jinx through the mirror.
“I wish I could be where they are. I wish mom and dad were here instead of me. If I could switch places with them so you guys could have a better life, I would. I would do it so fast because this is unfair to you and the boys.” Vi sniffled, eyes began to water.
“Vi…” Jinx said.
“I’m trying my best here and I never want to… I never want to cry or make you cry, but I’m trying, so please-” Vi’s voice cracked, a frown appearing as a few tears fell. Jinx was quick to pull Vi into a hug as her own eyes prickled with tears.
“I’m sorry Vi. You’re doing amazing, you are, I’m sorry for being a dick. This isn’t fair to you either.” Jinx whispered and shook her head.
They both changed that night.
—
“Hey, it’s me. Vi. You already know that.” Vi sighed. “I… I miss you. I don’t know if I’ll send this to you, I don’t want you to miss me. I know you hate this. I know you rather had placed me in handcuffs and kept me at home. But I’m thankful you didn’t. I’m so thankful for you, Caitlyn. I’m grateful and so in love with you. I met this elderly couple, they asked me a million questions and said you were gorgeous and that I was lucky to have you. And I am very lucky to have you.” Vi trailed off. “Fuck,” Vi’s voice cracked, trying not to cry, “I hate myself. I hate that I’m doing this to you and the family. It’s hard to explain myself, explain how stuck I was, how stuck I am, without hurting you or Jinx or, hell, even Vander. I love you. More than the moon and the stars.”
The voice memo ended and Caitlyn just sighed. She leaned back in her seat, tons of council paperwork to go through. Then she looked up, “keep an eye on her, please.” She knew who she was talking to. Not a god, it was Felicia and Cassandra.
Caitlyn would’ve ran to them if she could, the second she found out she was pregnant. She was debating calling Vi, telling her to get home because she was pregnant, but no. Vi needs this. She was going to respect Vi because she knows her Vi will come home and immediately jump to taking care of her and the baby. Let Vi take care of herself first.
—
As Vi was fishing for a change of clothes in her trunk, she was caught off guard at a small envelope near the back of her trunk… the fuck?
She moved a bit closer and grabbed it, tilting her head at it before leaning against the car to open it and read it!
‘Dear Violet,
It’s Jinx writing this for Vander, so listen up!
My Vi,
You’ve always been a fighter. Always been the one to stand up, even when it hurt, even when the world tried to break you down. That’s what I’m most proud of, you never stopped getting back up. But, kid, fighting ain’t just about throwing punches. Sometimes, it’s about knowing when to step back. When to breathe. When to figure out who you are outside of the battles you’ve had to fight.
I know you, Vi. I know you carry the weight of the people you love, like it’s your job to keep the whole damn world standing. But you don’t have to. You deserve more than that. You deserve to know who you are, not just who the world needs you to be.
So if you need to go, then go. Find yourself. Make mistakes. Live. And when you’re ready, when you know who you are and what you want, you come back to the people who love you. We’ll be waiting.
I love you, kid. Always.
Vander’
“You guys just know how to pull at my heartstrings…” Vi whispered, sniffling and wiping away her tears. It was clear she was meant to read this before she had to go, but it made it better knowing they were pushing for her. So, she will keep pushing.