chapter twelve
Chapter Twelve
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“Hold your hand up, like this,” Tonowari’s hand wrapped around yours, adjusting your fingers and the positioning.
“Do you name the constellations?” you asked, trying to focus on the stars and not the warmth of his breath, the touch of his hands. Him.
“Yes,” he said lowly. He was so close to you, you could hardly breathe. “This star, it is Tslli.”
He pointed to Polyphemus, the planet that Pandora orbited. “Tslli is always north, no matter where the sky falls.”
Your eyes ran down his arm, and after a moment you allowed your hands to drop, turning to face him. He was so close to you, your nose almost brushed his chest. You looked up, offering him a soft smile.
“The North Star,” you mumbled. “We have one on Earth. It’s called Polaris.”
You cleared your throat, something in his gaze felt intense, heavy—and you suddenly felt aware of how close he was to you as you took a step back. Ame would tease you for this later.
“Why is it called Tslli?” you manage, feeling your cheeks burn.
“Tslli was a tulkun,” he said slowly. “She was blessed by Eywa, and was shown visions of the future as she slept.”
“What happened to her?” you asked.
“She saw terrible things in her life—this was before the tulkun rejected violence, before they were the tulkun we know now. Tslli saw a future where tulkun stoppped fighting. She spread the word, but none believed her.” Tonowari gave you a wry smile, his eyes tracing all the features on your face. The glow of the tanhì on his face, the crash of the waves—your heart thudded, and you exhaled slowly, nervously.
“What happened?” your voice was barely a whisper as you leaned in slightly.
“Tslli lost hope,” he said, locking eyes with you. “She left her pod to be away from all tulkun, to speak only with Eywa. She swam for days, and eventually she came across a Na’vi woman who grieved for her lost child to the sea. Tslli saw this, and sympathized with the woman.”
He was impossibly close to you, your breath mingled with his. “Then what happened?”
“Tslli begged Eywa for the child’s life,” Tonowari paused. “And Eywa accepted. Tslli plucked out her eyes in exchange for the child’s life.”
You swallowed. “That’s very kind. And she’s remembered by the star?”
Tonowari’s gaze was soft, and he as he reached up to brush a strand of hair from your eyes, your heart fluttered and heat pooled in your stomach. “Yes. Tslli was the first tulkun to bond with a Na’vi. She and the woman became spirit sisters, and their bond allowed for change within the tulkun, who heard Tslli’s message and saw an escape from the violence. We call the star Tslli to honor her sacrifice and bravery.”
“That’s beautiful,” you said softly. Your heart was beating so hard in your chest, you worried it might explode—or that he could hear it.
“Ronal has said that you have been distant,” he said, and suddenly he felt a million miles away. You wondered if it had all been in your head, if he had really been about to kiss you or if you had just dreamed it up.
You’d been avoiding them. In the last month, Felix’s Na’vi had improved, and you were terrified he would pick up on something. You didn’t have a reason not to trust him—but there was a part of you that was overwhelmed with fear that he would tell you what you already knew.
This was not a good idea. The only reason you were with Tonowari now, learning to read the stars was because Tsonu’e had insisted. She said it was something all Na’vi should know. She wanted you to be able to find home. Tonowari had volunteered to teach you, and you suspected it was to discuss this very subject with you.
You sighed, your gaze falling to the horizon line. “I’m just scared about what happens next.”
“You are being kind,” he decided.
That threw you off a little, even as he continued, “A cruel person would not think of the consequences. You are human, even in this form.”
“I think it’s selfishness,” you said.
“Good,” he said. “I will be selfish too.”
He kissed you.
His lips were salty, sweet from the berries he’d eaten earlier. His hands tangled themselves in your hair, and you lost yourself for a moment. Tonowari’s mouth was hot against yours, and you wanted it. You wanted him. You wanted him and Ronal so much it threatened to consume you.
Fire burned in your belly, and you nipped at his bottom lip, deepening the kiss and drowning in him.
You missed Felix call your name the first time, but not the second. You pushed away, breathing heavily as you locked eyes with Felix. Tonowari followed your gaze, turning so that you were almost completely hidden behind him.
Felix was scowling, the frown weighing heavily on his features. “What are you doing?” he demanded, a dark look on his face.
“Uh,” you searched for an explanation that would make it better. “Felix—“
Felix raised a hand, effectively shutting you up. “Save it. I’ll speak with you later.”
He left without another word. Your heart sunk, and the burn in your chest faded as quickly as it had come on. Tonowari’s eyes caught yours.
“I’m so sorry,” you said.
His face dropped. “Felix—“ he began.
You shook your head, taking a step back. “He’s right. I’m so sorry.”
His expression shifted through a myriad of emotion, settling on something sad enough it nearly made you retract your statement completely. Instead, you shook your head, tears flooding your eyes as you ran back to your marui.
Tsonu’e looked up as you barreled in, ready to scold you for running when she saw your expression. She jumped up, grabbing hold of you to steady you.
“What has happened?” she demanded, her eyes wide and face distraught.
You blubbered incoherently for a moment, and finally gathered yourself enough to manage, “Tonowari kissed me.”
Tsonu’e’s face fell, her head tilting as she pulled you into a hug.
You sobbed into her shoulder, your breath catching in your throat as you hiccuped. Tsonu’e hummed softly, cradling you to her chest as she gently ran her fingers through your hair until you settled down enough to fall asleep and unlinked.
You sat in the link bed for longer then you should have, staring at the top of it and resisting the urge to cry as you had been. In this body, there was no Tsonu’e to comfort you.
When you got the courage to head to your room, Felix was waiting by the door. His arms were crossed over his chest, and you bristled at the sight of him—even as you fully took in his disheveled appearance.
Much like you had realized weeks ago—months, now—the strain of living two lives was taking its toll. His facial hair had grown scraggly, his eyes had dark circles underneath, and he was skinny in a way he hadn’t been before.
You looked the same.
“We need to talk,” he said, voice sharp.
You swallowed. “Yeah, we do.”