Chapter 4
The next day, Helen wakes up on Max's chest and she doesn't want to move. If he senses that she is no longer asleep, they will have to talk about last night and she doesn't want to. She no longer has the courage. Unfortunately, her happiness is short-lived because her phone rings and the situation suddenly becomes embarrassing. Quickly putting on his shirt, leaves the room and goes to the hallway.
-Hello?
-Yes, Anya this is See. Helen smiles like a moron behind her phone, he always does that, while obviously she has his phone number.
- I know, I have your number, See.
-Oh yeah, sorry. How to put it?... I was wondering how the meeting went with your American counterpart? Helen rolls her eyes. The last time I saw you, you wanted to strangle me and since you saw Doctor G. I wanted to check that you weren't hiding under the blanket with a bottle of wine.
- I'm fine, See. Helen laughs. I'll tell you everything as soon as I get home, but don't worry, everything is fine. He tells her about his day and suddenly a knot in her stomach..
- Are you listening to me?
- I slept with Max. She hears him choke and then nothing more. As for her, she puts her head against the wall behind her, her teeth biting her lip.
- I really needed to tell you. You... You're my best friend.
- Hm, okay. I'm not just your best friend. And you're okay? Is he seriously worried about her?
- Yeah, I'm okay, I guess. I don't know... Helen hears him laughing and he doesn't hear her but she thanks him a billion times.
- Are you happy? Are you sure you're okay? Helen takes a deep breath and starts.
-Happy? I don't know but I'm alive and last night I was able to breathe without having to put in a lot of effort.
-I'm really happy then. Enjoy and don't do anything to make me blush! Love you darling.
She hangs up and as she turns to go into the room, she's surprised to see Max standing in the doorway.
- Are you spying on me? He comes closer to her and smiles, as tenderly as ever.
-I thought you had run away because of last night. The situation will be less embarrassing and more like a joke if he approaches it with humor. In fact, she doesn't know what to answer...so she smiles shyly and walks past him, back into the room, biting her lip. Her spirit's sleeping somewhere. As she walks by, Max can't help but stare at her, her bare legs, his shirt brushing against her soft skin. When he joins her, Helen is in front of the window, eyes glued on the lake. Frozen inside without his touch, without his love. Max comes up behind her and puts his chin on her shoulder, seeing no reaction from her, he finally dares to put his hands on her, not being able to stop himself from hugging her with all his strength in order to draw all her love.
A kiss on her shoulder and Helen is already shivering, then another on the top of her head makes her finally turn around to face him. They stare at each other without a word for what seems like an entire hour and Max is the first to break their bond by kissing her forehead again, but Helen lifts her head at the same time and their lips touch! Aware of her mistake, she slightly moves her head back, almost ashamed to have thought that Max wanted to kiss her, but he holds her chin stopping her from putting more distance between them. A kiss on her nose, then her cheek and finally her lips. Subtle, gentle and his tongue asks permission to insert itself into her mouth, which she delicately opens and allows him to enter. Their tongues join and unite to become one. In a few seconds Helen finds herself lying in the bed,Max on top of her making her moan.
She Doesn't need a rescue, Cannot save herself this time. This morning is different from last night. Yesterday, they were thirsty, like two lovers who hadn't seen each other in years! Today it's slower, passionate, Max's touch on her skin leaves more prints. She’s unfolding but not holding on shattered in pieces; She’s the broken one. If he only knew the chaos inside her head and she wishes that she could run because she knows it will hurt, but she’s just not ready yet. They lay there, naked. Helen's hand close to her chest, as if to protect herself, Max's hands slowly touching her spine. Then they are interrupted by his phone. He ignores the call, after several rings, he stands up and grabs his phone. When he reads the name on the screen, he tensed.
-Sorry, I have to take this call he says, getting out of bed quickly and getting dressed. He goes into the other room and picks up
***
Dressed in Max's shirt, Helen goes to the kitchen. Coffee for Max, tea for herself. She takes the chance with some eggs, tomatoes and starts to cook a breakfast. When Max joins her, he's surprised with two plates ready on the table.
-I made breakfast, I hope it's okay? she says shyly, blushing and putting a braid behind her ear
-Yes...yes, of course, says Max. Helen looks at him running his hands through his hair as they eat,
- Are you sure everything's okay? You have to go get Luna?
- No, that wasn't Luna. She wants to ask him who was on the phone but she's holding back!
- I don't want to impose myself, Max, but could I take a shower before leaving?
- Yes, of course! What time is your flight back? Helen didn't have time to answer when Max's phone started ringing again, showing Wilder's face. Max declines the call, but it rings immediately and his uneasiness does not escape Helen.
- You can talk to her, she says. I'll go take a shower.
- No, it's okay, I'll call her back later.
- May I ask who the medical director of NA is?
- Wilder.
- Wilder? Okay. Max's phone is ringing again.
- Maybe she has an emergency?
- No, it's not.
- What is it then? Helen asks quietly. Max runs his hand through his beard, hesitant before answering.
- I completely forgot that she was supposed to come tomorrow!
- Here? I mean in Switzerland? Is there a convention scheduled?
- No! I mean yes in Switzerland and no there is no convention. Helen looks at him, then remembers the pictures she's seen, Wilder's look at Max, then suddenly stands up.
- Oh my God! She's coming to your house? Are you two together? A couple? Max doesn't answer and heads to the kitchen.
- Max! Answer me, are you with Wilder?
- Yes.. No.. I mean, I was.
- What do you mean you were? It's yes or no. Not maybe
- We've just been putting things on hold since I moved here.
- My God! She said her hand over her mouth as she walked quickly towards the room.
- Hey… Hey Helen wait he said trying to take her hand
- No, Don't touch me!" she said as she stepped back! I can't believe you didn't tell me! We had sex yesterday! Twice...and today while you were in a relationship Max, what’s wrong with you?
- I'm not in a relationship Helen
- Does she know that?
- Don't look at me like I did something wrong. You're in no better position
- What do you mean?
- I mean Mrs. Ali. Did you forget to tell me about Prof. Ali? You're married to him.
- Married?
- Yes Helen! Glad to know you ditched me but a year later you married someone else and now you're judging. Helen walks past him, dressing as quickly as possible in her beautiful and chic pull, perfect with her blue jeans.
- Wait, wait... Helen, please don't go.
- How long?
- What?
- How long have you been together?
- Eight months
- Eight months? Helen's voice is louder than she wants it to be
- I've been here six months Helen! We were together just two months before I came to Switzerland and it was nothing serious!
- Was she the reason you didn't want to come back to London? Her eyes don't leave him, she doesn't blink.
- What? No, not at all. Helen does the math quickly! Eight months ago she was in New York! Eight months ago she texted him, asking if they could meet and he never answered.
-You're married, Helen! You left me! You left us and It took me months to get better. What did you want me to do? Continue to mourn?
- No Max, she said as the tears she had been holding back broke the dam and flooded her cheeks.
-I had to... I must wipe Luna’s tears dry, bite the bullet and continue living. She was there, she was nice and... Last year…Max shakes his head sheepishly as if to get rid of the painful thoughts that keep haunting him. One day I woke up and realized since I survived that, it was time for me to get on with my life…You weren't there Helen... Elizabeth was there... Not you
He can see into her eyes like open doors, leading him down into her core. She's hurt...
- Do you love her?
- Helen...
- Do you love her, Max? Max doesn't answer. Helen searches for her right heel and when she finds it, she puts on her coat and walks past Max who holds her arm.
- Don't go. I don't want to lose you again. You were my best friend Helen. I want to be your friend! Can we be friends?
- Seeyed is not my husband. He's my uncle, my father's little brother. Bye Max and before he can say anything, she walks away.
Helen burned all her bridges, at the end of her rope. Her stomach is twisted and she can't resist it! She turns quickly into the alley to her left, bends over and vomits, vomits her disappointment, vomits her sadness to the point her whole body shakes and shakes. She’s sick and If You're asking her, her symptoms, she will say, she doesn't wanna feel…She doesn't wanna feel like she felt last night. Have mercy on her and take this pain away!
****
It's been a week since that day…She left everyone she loves on read. She remember nothing about their night, about him in her, about his hand on her skin, so there's nothing to regret. It's better to pretend that she doesn't suffer, as if nothing had happened between them. He told her he wants to be friend with her but can they be friends after being so loved? Helen doesn't wanna feel how her heart is rippin’. She was looking for a new beginning, now she’s back to the intro, back to him, back to them. Out of reach, out of touch, too numb, she doesn't feel no way, street small, but it go both ways
Need to cry a river before she’s stronger, So she'll run but she'll never escape from him, Even when she is hiding in Turkey during this week, phone off and wandering through the alleys. Istanbul is one of her favorite cities. Her father had taken her there on one of his trips. It was just her and him and it was the best vacation of her life. She had gone back a few times, on her own, as if to soak up the memories that she and her father loved so much.
In a pillow talk after they had finished naked and sweaty, Helen made a promise to Max that she would show him Istanbul. So here she is, once again alone. But she's fine and feels good there. After an umpteenth message from Benett, threatening to call the police if she didn't respond, Helen decided to turn on her phone and call her friend. She told her that she had visited two continents in one day, that she had spent the day in Europe and crossed the Bosphorus Strait to spend the evening in Asia! She captured the sunset on the Bosphorus! From the opera house to the old bazaar and tasting the Adana kebab without forgetting the Blue Mosque and the Topkapi palace. Helen talks without breathing, not giving Benett the chance to mention the person she doesn't want to talk about. She promises to call her when she returns tomorrow and hangs up quickly.
She used to think that being brave just meant moving on, Now she sinks into the pain until it's all gonе
***
The past tortures him a little more each day and he sinks into the darkness. But he knows that the only person who can help him is Helen. She's the only one who knows him, the only one who really knows who he is, the only one in front of whom he doesn't hide any of his sides, but he has abandoned her, he has abandoned everything he had. His reflection in the mirror in front of him, reflects the image of the pathetic man he has become. A man who was full of value, but who today is nothing but emptiness and nothingness. Six months in Geneva, two months before they became something. He wanted to prove to himself that he could do it, that he could make a successful life for himself after her, but today he wonders if he made a mistake.
A few hours later, after picking up Wilder at the airport, the excitement in her eyes doesn't match his. Max tries not to think about the night and the few hours that have just passed, even though every second is etched in his mind. He tries to remember the months leading up to yesterday, constantly thinking about his past, knowing that he will never be able to move on. But with Wilder in his arms, time stopped and he was feeling better for a few seconds. However, it was enough for Helen to come back into his life for him to lose it.
It's been almost a week since Wilder has been here and almost a week he's been trying to avoid a conversation with her, all day in his office at WHO and at night he pretends to have work to catch up and sleeps on the sofa so so she won't be disturbed. Max doesn't know if she believes it, but she doesn't say anything. They hardly see each other... she doesn't complain either, even when he tells her that Luna is on vacation for a few days with her friend Louise.
May I kiss you? Helen turns to face him and nods her head in agreement. Of course you can.
Wilder surprised him tonight, picking him up at his office...They've been standing there for almost an hour looking up at the sky. It is filled with stars tonight and Max's praying that the stars will see and guide him. He prays for the right direction, but he receives no sign of their presence. Show me that I am not alone.
Her gaze remains fixed on the garden, she looks so peaceful. He wishes he could talk to her, tell her the truth, but he hates himself enough. As if she could hear him thinking, Wilder asks him what's going on. Focusing on the stars, he doesn't know what to answer. Then a statement that he can't control comes out of his mouth, his heart paralyzes and he turns his head towards her and signs.
- You know, sometimes I still love her, and sometimes I hate her. But I miss her all the time. I saw her...Helen. Elizabeth doesn't reply and lets the silence settle. Instead of giving Wilder an explanation and apologizing, his mind drifts back to her. Her look when she knew about Wilder. Max misses the spontaneous Helen. When at 8 p.m. on a Saturday she told him, let's go for a walk. Or when luna was on vacation with her grandparents, in the middle of the night, let's go for a drink and they ended up having sex in the bar's bathroom.
He misses her love, he misses her body, he misses her smile, her voice...So much. Hearing her laugh, you quickly understand why he’s so amazed by the way she looked at him. But the only way he can experience it again is by digging into his deepest memories because she didn't reply to any of his texts and he went to his voicemail every time he tried to call. The problem with losing someone is that you lose a part of yourself. His other problem is that he lost three people who made his heart beat. Death took two of them away, but life claimed the third.
- I'm sorry Liz that you came all the way here and I don't have time to show you this city. I should have told you before you got on the plane... that I saw Helen.
- You were broken Max. Wilder signs. I'll always remember the look on your face when you showed me that ring. Her ring... She paused, then continued... and the look in your eyes after she left you.The only time I found any sparkle in it was the day I called you when I was at the airport. Your heart started beating again I could feel it. So I don't want you to tell me everything, but explain it to me. Explain to me how in love you are, how alive and happy you are.
Without knowing why, his eyes are filled with tears, Liz knew how to read in his eyes, she knew how to read the truth in them. She turns to him, waiting for his answer, which is slow in coming. What is he supposed to tell her? That he feels like his world is crumbling every time she looks at him? That even though it's been so many months since they've seen each other, she's still the person who knows him best in the world? That he immediately fell in love with her eyes a second time. That he dreamed of her day and night? But when he finally finds the courage to tell her everything, a noise behind them catches Max's attention, touching his throat, as though he remembered that he owed her his life..
- Our history is over and we won't dig it up. It's over. Wilder laughs softly and gets up. But before she leaves the patio, she tells him:
- I was looking for a paper... Wilder stops and sighs. I looked in your bedside table, hidden between two books. .... I saw the picture you took of her a few days ago while she was sleeping, Max. And it was far from over. Max she said as she approached him. You love her. Fight for her. I told you once, but I'll say it again. Don't let her go away again.
-Elizabeth
- I hope one day I meet someone who loves me the way you love her. Come back and sleep in your bed, tomorrow I'll go to the hotel.
- No Liz, you don't have to do that. You can have the spare room. Liz hugs him and tells him that she will meet him at his place later and leaves. Max stays a long time with his eyes fixed in the void, he still feels each of Helen's touches, each of her kisses and it kills him slowly. He has the feeling that he's being immolated.
Tonight the scream is more intense, tonight the knife in his chest is sharper, tonight the memories are sharper than they have ever been. And when it leaves him, it's the memories he has with Helen that win him over. He remembers her head on the pillow watching him while he sleeps, he remembers the way she sang Christmas songs with Luna in her arms, he remembers the way she chewed her lip. He remembers loving her more than it's humanly possible to love, he remembers telling her how precious every moment with her is. When he met her, life gave him the most beautiful thing possible: Hope.
***
Helen: Need a coffee
Bennett: See you at home, my cookies are waiting for you. Helen smiles at the message and quickly leaves. In the car, she tries to focus on the road but her mind doesn't care. She drives past the hanging garden and her thoughts lead her to him. With Max, she knows that even though she will be away from him for a week, she will not stop thinking about him... about their night, about how his hands on her had left so many bruises, so many marks on her skin. Hoping to push him out of her mind, she turns on the radio and All Through the Night by Sleeping At Last almost makes her faint. She thinks back to them, to how lying on the bed, the pillow flooded with her tears, Max had held her so tightly that she could hardly breathe.
Her hand wave to her stomach, eyes locked on this white wall. She had lost the baby after barely knowing it existed and just like that, it was gone. Nothing!
She hadn’t even known she was pregnant. One morning she just woke up, pain in her stomach and a huge blood stain on the sheets.
They might not have known she was pregnant but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t something they wanted.
When Max received the text he felt like he couldn't breathe. He burst through the doors "Where is she?" He asked.
"We've been waiting for you Dr Goodwin
"Where is she?" He insisted.
The nurse sighed and Max took a deep breath in order to calm down before he left the room..
The bedroom was quiet and Max took a moment , sighed as he quietly closed the door behind him.
She was lying under the sheet, her back to him. He quickly kicked his shoes off and climbed into the bed. Careful he wrapped his arm around her and pulled her closer.
"Hi my love" he said softly, pressing a gentle kiss to her hair.
"You're here. Her voice was small .
" I'm so sorry I didn't come earlier" Helen shook her head and closed her eye .
"I love you. You know that, right?" She didn't answer. Tears ran down her cheek. The way she was flinching at his words wasn’t right. She acted like she didn't deserve his love.
"Helen?"
"I'm so sorry! I'm so... I didn’t know Max. ..."
"It's not your fault, do you hear me my love? She began to whimper. Sshhhh... my love. He buried his face in the crook of her neck, letting his tears fall. They sat there, in each others arms, crying over the loss and Max breathed in her scent, holding on to her so desperately he almost crushed her.
"I love you" he sobbed "I love you so much, please,... please don't make me lose you too..."
She shook her head. "You won't lose me." He put his forehead against hers, looked up into her beautiful eyes. His lips met hers in a long kiss. Helen sighed and wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him closer. They were desperate for each other
"I love you" she breathed. Her cheeks were flushed, her hair was a mess and she was beautiful! Had she not just had a miscarriage he would have had her right there. But he restrained himself. "I love you, too" he answered before they drew in for another kiss, with this one Max felt like melting against her lips. They stayed close, foreheads pressed together, cuddling close. Helen wrapped an arm around his torso and rested her head on his chest, close to his heart. He buried his nose in her hair and It didn't take long for them to fall asleep.
A few days later, Max had decided to take them to Canterbury for a relaxing weekend. Because of her, Luna had loved this song and how they were both singing along in the car. Luna asking : Dada you have to sing with us or you'll have to get out of the car. And despite himself, Max joined them.
***
With her face bathed in salty tears, Helen turned up the volume and began to sing, with the ghostly voices of Max and Luna. She finally parks at her best friends' house and as she leaves, Lucas is already waiting for her at the door.
- Come here. Helen takes refuge in his arms and starts to cry. Lucas has always been like a big brother.
-Let's go home or Ben will have a tantrum. Helen laughs through her tears. Their house is beautiful and ready to welcome their family. The kitchen is filled with the smell of cake which relaxes the spirit and surrounds with a breath of calming aroma. She finds her best friend with flour all over her face.
- Oh, Hels, come here hon! Now she collapses into her arms, carefully wipes the mascara from Helen’s face.
- I just ... How did this happen? She groans and stare at her best friend. Benett says nothing, moving Helen's head back so she can finish cleaning her face.
She feels really pathetic. But also empty, and broken. Benett's voice snaps her out of her thoughts and she shouts, holding Helen by the shoulders:
-Everyone in the living room, I'm coming with the cookies! They laugh and a few minutes later, the three of them are sitting with hot chocolate and cookies in hand.
- I don't want you to get hurt again hon.
- I know.
When suddenly the subject Max comes up.
- But you still love him right?
- Everything is different.
- But is it really serious with her? I mean, she lives in NY and he lives here. If he wanted to be with her, he would have asked her to come with him. No? she asked looking at her husband.
- I don't know Ben.
The looks of her friends are sorry but unfortunately they can't help it, and now she thinks that maybe she is destined to be in love with him all her life.