Chapter 3
Her vision blurs and she starts to panic. She cries into the phone, but she gets no answer. She wakes up in a sweat, as she does every night, after having this damn nightmare, her hands are shaking, her breathing is noisy and she runs to the bathroom to get a glass of water. Running her fingers through her hair, Helen looks at the clock. 3 a.m. Same as every night, as if her body was somehow set up to never let her breathe, even once. Now her head is spinning, every breath is painful but she doesn't pay attention; Even if she has to stay awake for a whole hour, she starts to work. Data after data, her eyes begin to fail her, her body is exhausted and screams at her to go back to sleep; yet, closed or open, her eyes continue to see them.
The next day, she is exhausted. Her body just wants to sleep a few more hours and yet she has no choice. She has to get up and start a new day. When she gets out of bed, she sees a lot of her hair on her pillow that has left her. The result of constant anxiety. In front of the mirror, she sees a miserable woman, dark circles, and a tiredness weighing on her features. She finished to get ready and then when she passed in front of her reflection, it has totally changed.
Now, she looks more like a normal person. Her hair is combed, her dark circles are hidden under her foundation. We can see one of her tattoos slightly sticking out of her sleeve. While putting her finger on it, a burning sensation crosses her and she withdraws it abruptly, then looks away and leaves to work. While leaving, the air hits against her skin and her hair goes in all the directions. the wind strikes to redden her cheeks. Every shiver in her body reminds her that she should have taken a thicker coat, but she keeps going without any regrets about choosing a stylish coat over a comfortable one.
When she finally arrives at the institute, a wave of heat reanimates her body and she joins Seyeed at his office. It's been four days since he came back from Singapore and two days since she came back from London. Before walking into the room, she takes the time to look at him and to realize how lucky she is to have him in her life. His black hair is perfectly styled and his eyes are focused on every file he is working on. His hands go at an incredible speed on the keyboard of his computer, he doesn't take a second to breathe.
- Salaam
His head pops up in less time than it takes to say it and his face lights up the second their eyes collide. Helen feels her lungs fill with oxygen again and a smile follows her face. Seyeed immediately leaves his serious air and a bit of innocence is in his eyes.
- Khoobi? (You okay?)
- Man khoobam Helen says (I am fine)
Putting down the two coffees she took on her way and pushes Seyeed's in front of him
-Strong and black like me she said. Seyeed burst out laughing
- Merci (Thank you)
- You're welcome. Then Helen sits down in front of him.
- How did your appointments go?
- Just as it always is! This man hates me Seyeed, and I wonder why he wants to keep me? He refuses all my suggestions, he keeps cutting my budgets
- Who could hate you? No way. Seyeed says, taking a sip of his coffee
- Oh I tell you, he hates me
- And how did it go with Mrs. Sharpe? Helen looks at him a sideways glance, a raised eyebrow
- Stop calling her like that
- She asked me not to call her Serwa anymore. Helen laughs
- Do you really want to know?
- No, not really. Does she still hate me that much? I'm pretty sure that she still hates me.
- Yes! she still hates your guts but Hate is the wrong word to describe how she feels about you….Enough about my mother for the next month.
Then he starts to explain what he is doing, that he should reply to WHO's request to conclude the trial, but she only listens half-heartedly, too busy focusing on the features of his face. His eyes, the same as hers and his skin so different from hers. They are so different and yet so similar...
- Are you listening to me?
- Uh... He laughs and once again, she can see his loveliness and his brightness. He's the sun and she's the moon, happiness emanates from him and sadness invades her soul a little more every day. And yet, when he's like this now, in front of her, his smile full of love, she feels more alive than ever. He's the one who gave her back her smile and let her know that we all deserve a second chance.
- Are we doing anything tonight?
- Sorry, not tonight, I have to meet Benett!
- Oh I totally forgot about your Thursday night meetings. That said, we need to have a serious talk, he says sitting down at the corner of his desk. Helen pouted
- What is there to talk about?
- Lots of things.
- Why don't you start with the most important one, and I'll tell you if it's worth going on with, says Helen, leafing through the pages of a holidays brochure on the coffee table.
- WHO... they just re-launched for the third time since I got back
- Any vacation plans? Helen asks without looking up
- Are you listening to me?
- Take the day you want. Says Helen. Next topic?
- Max Goodwin. Helen gets up from her chair.
- What about Max Goodwin?
- Anya!
- I don't want to talk about Maximus Goodwin, See
- Why didn't you tell me that was him? His eyes give her tenderness
- See?
- Anya?
- Bye Seyeed!
- Anya?
- man bayad beravam, (I have to go)
- Anya!
- Man bayad beravam, Rooze khoobi dashteh bashid! (have a good day!)
- You won't get away with it! raising his voice...I talked to him, he said as Helen closed the door behind her, cutting off the contact between them to go to her office. As she went inside, she saw a pile of data waiting for her and started to work. Even if this job is the most pleasant one, she is exhausted.
When it's 7pm she leaves the office to head straight to Benett's, as long as she can spend time with her, everything is just fine. Helen finds her long blond hair still well styled. She too is the complete opposite, but then again, she wouldn't trade her for anything in the world because she's one of the people who help her to breathe again. Her green eyes have a real healing effect on her, maybe it's her job as a therapist that has this ability and there's no one better in her job than her.
Benett and Helen have known each other forever, a friendly crush, Benett would tell anyone who asked. They met in first grade and never left each other's side. Then when Helen decided to move to New York to study, leaving behind her London, her mother, and all the memories of Muhammad, she also let her friendship with Benett fade away because it reminded her too much of her previous life.
She’s terrible making friends, partially because she can’t trust people easily. She exists in a world where she can be friendly with many people. But it takes her a while to accept that this person is actually a part of her life. Then one day, while talking to Serwa, her mother said;
-Oh, by the way, Helen, do you remember your friend Benett? I don't remember her last name," said Serwa as she unpacked her groceries.
-Smith said helen
-I saw her yesterday on my way to the bakery. She was going to see her mother. Did you know she lived in Switzerland?
-No, Mom, I didn't know that. She says, setting the dinner table. Serwa continued her tirade as if she hadn't heard Helen
-What a lovely girl, she gave up everything in Perth to come back and look after her mother after her stroke.
Now that her mother is better, she has moved to Switzerland for work, but she's close by in case anything unexpected happens. She was with this guy, I don't remember his name, but when you were young he always hung out with you.
-Luka, Mom
-Whatever his name was, I never liked him! But coming back close to her mother to take care of her, she's a good girl!
Helen rolls her eyes, knowing full well Serwa's hint.
-I've been sick, and you hardly picked up your phone to check on me.
-Mum, you had a cough
-A cough that could have turned into cancer! Have you forgotten how you dragged me into your clinic a few years ago?
Helen didn't answer and just changed the topic. A few days later, she checked Benett out on social media and a coffee for a tea, then a salad/tequila for a pizza/Whisky, and she never left.
**Benett greets Helen as always, arms wide open and Helen collapses.
-I don't know what to do.
-Just come and let's not think about it. We'll spend the evening singing and dancing and you can think about your life later. Okay?
Helen bites her lip and smiles instantly through her puffy, tear-filled face. Then Benett asks her the question she's been dreading all week.
-Any news? Has he tried to talk to you? Apologize? Reach out?
-No.
-It's crazy, though. It's absurd that he would ever think that coming from you! He knows you, though... Do you miss him?
Helen takes a minute to think about this question. In fact, she already knows the answer, and then, in front of every human being on this planet, she would look like the worst person for what she did... to Max... to Luna... to the family they built. But she knows that in front of Benett she can say it, her best friend knows how shattered her soul is from everything. And she knows she won't judge her for thinking about him, about her, about them, despite everything.
- Yes. Benett smiles and rests her head on her shoulder. She hears, as she does, the sound of her past and respects her silence, her desire not to shut those screams anymore, and as Benett told her a few days ago, you don't erase your trauma, you reduce the impact it has on you...
***
It's midnight when, like Cinderella, Helen goes home. In fact, she didn't want to face her loneliness, so she finds her couch and dives into her research. Then she spends the time thinking and torturing herself! Without being aware of her tiredness, her body turns off, then wakes her up, sweating, as always.
The next day, a huge stomach ache hits her and it's not what hurts her the most. She has made her decision and it's already consuming her. She keeps thinking about Benett's sentence "Just because you don't talk about it doesn't mean it will go away. They both exist, you can't hide their existence by destroying yourself.
Helen is used to being called a control freak. She doesn't care; sticking to the list of rules she created for herself helps her navigate life since that day. No, she tried twice, the first time he didn't show up! The second time? She took his statements as an affront, as a personal attack. So why does that day still echo in her mind like it was yesterday...why did seeing him again hurt so much?!
***
- I can't attend the meeting at WHO.
-Anya?
-What? Helen said as she looked up from her computer.
-WHO? The meeting? You'll have to go.
-No, she said with her eyes back on her computer.
-I can't go.
-Out of question!, not possible. Helen said, getting up from her seat and heading for the window.
-I have to fly back to Brussels, no other choice.
-Ask Nazrin
-No!
-Why not?
-No one else can go but you. Says Seyeed as he heads for the door.
-See?
-10:30 am
-Seyeed? He stops in the doorway and turns to her.
- You told me everything was all set with Dr. Goodwin? Didn't you?
- I didn't tell you that, she said, crossing her arms over her chest and narrowing her eyes.
- You wouldn't explain! You said it was none of my business! So it's just business! So go ahead. Bye
- Seyeed, stay here
- 10:30 and don't be late.
- Seyeed!!
- Bye Anya
Few days later, the cab in which Helen was finally seated after having called off the two previous ones, took her across the Lausanne road, then zigzagged between the Penthes and Pregny castles to finally drop her off a few minutes later at 20 Avenue Appia. The ride went by in total silence with the only sound being the biting of her nails. Helen knows these offices with their large windows very well, she has spent many hours there with Seyeed and Nazrin ! What worries her and makes her anxious is not the protocol agreements but seeing Max again.
Last week, she tried to talk to him, to apologize, to explain why she had ended their engagement. But Max hadn't been receptive. Worse than that, he had accused her of running a racist trial, and to this day Helen wonders if what hurts her most is that he could have thought her able to do such a thing... or the fact that he really doesn't know her.
As she walks down the lobby, the sound of her heels clicking on the glass floor leads her to the elevator. She stepped into the massive metal box, her eyes fixed on the lighted numbers that brought her closer to her anxiety, Helen knew where her refuge would be in case things didn't go as planned!
She was last here, she found a small garden not far from here, where the shape represents a leaf floating on the water. She often goes to this place which has a soothing therapeutic effect on her. Before the meeting, she goes to the bathroom to freshen up, does she really need it? No. Does she want it? Yes. She needs to breathe, to be away from curious eyes and to remind herself for the thousandth time that everything will be okay! You go in, give your speech that you know and you come out...
Looking at her reflection in the mirror in front of her, she carefully checks her outfit and puts back a loosing bread behind her ear. Her red lipstick contrasts with the black of her turtleneck, making her teeth look perfect and her eyeliner underlines her doe eyes! How not to fall in love with her doe eyes? Helen washes her hands, tightens the belt of her trench coat then smoothes it with the palm of her hands. You are competent, you are the best, don't look him in the eye and everything will be fine.
When she comes out of the bathroom, it's no longer Helen Sharpe but Dr. Helen. This is why she's here!
She's built for that!
Helen walks into the room and the whole mood changes. She greets everyone around the table, takes off her trench coat and Go!
The meeting lasts a little longer than expected and when Max tries to get her to interact with him by asking specific questions, Helen notices that his attitude is no longer the same as last week. His words are thoughtful and he keeps praising her. Does anybody feel guilty?? To Max's questions, Helen stares at a spot to avoid making eye contact, and she does, answering without blinking, her features relaxed but her walls at their highest.
After almost two hours and hundreds of questions and cheers, Helen agrees to come back with the whole team, because that's Helen Sharpe, she never takes credit for her own glory, but for the team. At the end of the meeting, Helen is busy with some people who want to talk to her and she sees Max near the door in a chat with his colleague.
Her eyes dart from time to time in his direction and she notices that the wrinkles in the corners of his eyes are the same. It's been over a year since they last saw each other, but he hasn't changed and his smile still turns her stomach.
At the next glance, Max is no longer there and a mixture of relief and deception seizes her. When she finally leaves the room, her lungs are gasping for air, she feels her diaphragm rise and fall and the oxygen is gone! She heads to the flower garden on the top floor Seyeed had shown her last time. This place reminds her a lot NA roof, but the view is different and she instantly felt good. Here, there is no heavy metal door to push, just get out of the elevator, walk up the few steps and then the garden roof.
Helen climbs the dozens of stairs that lead up to the garden and is immediately overwhelmed by the lovely scent of tulips and orchids! She breathes in and out with her head raised towards the few rays of sunlight that are reflected on her caramel skin. She moves towards the low wall, puts her elbows on it.
- If you're looking for a hideout this one is taken! Helen flinched, spilling her Frappuccino on her blouse.
- Shit! then turns to the voice
-Sorry about that, Max says, gesturing to her blouse. Leaning against the low wall in front of her, his hands in his pockets. Helen stares at him in shock and doesn't move, doesn't speak.
Max moves and as he moves towards her, her heels sink into the ground, he walks past her, then he leans against the low wall, a few inches from her, his arms crossed over his chest.
Close to each other, neither of them speaks, as if neither of them wanted to be the first to take the first step... but Helen realizes how much her anxieties are hidden when he's close, how much her pains are silenced with him.
-Why? He asks finally, without looking at her. His voice is quiet and if she wasn't focused, she probably wouldn't have heard him. But she doesn't answer, doesn't look at him and stares at the cars below.You know that feeling? That feeling of having a blade stuck in your stomach. That feeling of having your world fall apart? That feeling that someone has come to take your life without your permission? Helen is there, shaking, her soul screaming. She's only looking for one thing, to breathe, but it's impossible. Then she says:
-Security! Security and stability Max and you didn't give me any.
-What are you talking about?
-I'm talking about the fact I wasn't feeling safe, emotionally! You didn't offer me any of that.
-And you realized this when you left the apartment? After we talked?after you said you loved me?
-No, I left the apartment, Helen said, her eyes still fixed on the skyline! I took a cab and went to the airport! I got through security, but as I was boarding, the couple in front of me were saying goodbye to each other, they lived in two different cities from what I heard. The woman was pregnant and completely distraught, the man was trying to reassure her... and as I looked at them, I saw us! I saw us Max, she said as she finally turned to face him. I saw us and I didn't see any improvement in our lives. This wasn't what I wanted!
-Why didn't you say anything? I thought... I thought... Why did you stay silent about it? Max get mad! We were supposed to be a team! Tethered together! Remember? Those were your words! We were supposed to be a family, to communicate and-
-I tried, Max! I tried to tell you! Many times. That I wasn't sure about the castle, about all of this and you didn't listen! You just told me that you weren't coming home and that I had to come to NY for the wedding.
-And you said yes! And you seemed pretty excited about it. Was that a lie, too?
-No. Of course it wasn't! How could you think that? At the time I wanted to, but Max, on second thought, what were you offering me? A quick marriage on the NA roof? Yes it was our place, the place where we became friends, where we fell in love and more...but the big wedding, you already had that with Georgia, not me! I deserved more than that. Then whispering, I deserve better than this. Then turns around again and stares at the skyline.
-So you left me because I told you to come to NA? Because I offered you a wedding on the roof? Not fancy enough for you? he regrets his last sentence. But Helen says nothing and just sighs.
-I loved you, Max, more than anything, but there were too many sacrifices to make, everything happened in such a short time. Moving to London, our relationship, my new job, my mother, being a mom, your struggles to find a job, your return to NY...I was afraid you would resent me for leaving your whole life...
-So you ditched me? YOU are the one who asked me to stay in Ny to help our friends, for your legacy, for NA
-Your friends! Helen says and Max looks at her, narrowing his eyes.
-Our friends!
-Max ! They're not my friends! They weren't the minute you decided to follow me to London. And let me guess, it was my fault you left them but now YOUR friends are okay with you leaving? Look, I don't have time right now, I have to go, I have a meeting on the opposite side of the city and I don't want to be late. Then further down, I can't be late, she says. Heading for the stairs.
-The hanging garden!
-What?
-The hanging garden between Ariana Park and the Botanical Gardens. Can you meet me there tonight? 7:30? I don't know what time your flight back is scheduled, but if you are still in Geneva tonight, can you come?
-Max... I don't know if this is a good idea.
-We haven't finished this conversation. And I'd like to- he runs his hand over his beard. 7:30, if you don't come, I won't insist.
Helen breathes, then turns and walks away.
Her wish would be to silence the voices in her head that drive her to do the exact opposite of what her reason advises her. She simply feels like being crazy, so before her brain goes into overdrive, her steps take her through the streets of Geneva towards the park. The tiredness oppresses all her soul, makes her way of thinking dysfunctional, she cannot breathe any more, then before leaving the apartment she takes a glass of tequila which she drinks quickly to give herself strength.
To ask him for forgiveness a billion times, even if it will not change anything, she really needs it. She needs his forgiveness, she needs to move on, he needs to move on too and they will go their separate ways, able to make a clean break and continue their respective lives, with their heads full of memories, and having acquired an awful experience.
She sees lovers in the streets walking without a care. They're treading lightly, And it kicks so hard, It breaks her bones. Cuts so deep and hits her soul, tears her skin and makes her blood flow.
It's 8:15 p.m. when she arrives, forty-five minutes later, and she's alone, he's not there. Helen walks around, goes to the arch and then says to herself that she should leave. Forty-five minutes late, he must have left...She crossed her arms over her chest and glowered out at the street that was artificially lit up by street lights and the headlamps of passing vehicles.
Max swallowed past the sudden lump in his throat as he neared and Helen caught sight of him out of the corner of her eyes. She hears footsteps near her and knows who it belongs to, but she won't speak first. She jerked her head toward him, surprise slackening her features.
"Max" she stood up with ease and turned to look at him, her eyes narrowing as they swept over him. When she discreetly gestured that he could come over, he approached. She's no longer trying to survive she believe that life is a prize but to live, doesn't mean she's alive.
Silence is her best friend with him. He's her hell, she's his flames. His breath reaches her and she stops herself from looking at him, even if it's for a few seconds. Her eyes close and her body gets closer and closer.
- You came! His head turns towards her and he manages to perceive her distress. He sees her down but he won't make her feel better. He'd rather die than give her even a little attention. Not after all this time. But despite everything, his soul still beats only for her, so he can't ignore her. I love you, Helen. His words still echo far too loudly in his thoughts to think straight.
- I am here. Her eyes sparkle and he suspects his own to do the same. She is there, in front of him, and he doesn't know what keeps him from kissing this woman, full of beauty and kindness. In her big, brown shaped eyes he could clearly see his own reflection speak to him much more than her lips and he would like to look at them for a whole life, and even more. Each memory comes back and the hole in his chest gets deeper. He would love for this pain to end one day, but that's not how it works. Eighteen months. A year and a few months since it happened and yet each day is more painful than the last.
-I’m finding ways to articulate the feeling I was through…I’m goin' through and I was thinking about that… The way things happened and I have to say-
-It's hard for me to communicate the thoughts that I hold, Im sorry. So sorry Max. It’s not what I wanted, she blinks to keep her tears from falling
-It seems to me that one of the big problems in the world today is that too many people have forgotten how to listen. The distance and the time between us…
-I didn’t want this feeling', I couldn’t afford it. Veronica was gone and yet you stayed, you let me go back to London alone after my stroke, I was scared and I was alone. I tried to find a reason to stay, but I pull us apart. Don't hate me Max, I know I've been awful to you, to Luna and in Luna's name, her cheek begs her to release the tears but she can't, if she did she'd collapse.
He hates that he wants her, hate it when she cries. Yet when he reaches out and puts his hand against her face, her tears blur her vision. His touch burns her cheek, but she wishes he wouldn't take it away. Her whole body relaxes and she is close to fainting. Without understanding what is happening, he puts his other hand on her shoulder and holds her close. Huddled in his arms, Helen breathes again, she relives again. When his lips kiss her hair, she can't hold back a hiccup and above all, she can't hold back her heart from falling again.
They remain like that a few minutes then when he moves away, he takes the time to look at her before laying a kiss on her forehead and backing away. Not without omitting to whisper to her "I don’t hate you…I'm sorry". All her body collapses, he deprived her of all her defenses, all her grounds. She wants to scream, to leave but she can't. Her heart suffocates and suffocates, she can't give it what he needs and it beats a little less strong every second. Her soul is exhausted and dying slowly, she's nothing but emptiness and nothingness, yet it's been eighteen months since she last felt such intense pain.
She would like to be strong enough to get up, dry her tears and never think of that night again, but she can't. That night when she left him, and he didn't try to hold her back... Then that other night in NY echoing the one in London, when she waited for him in that bar until the doors closed on her, on him, on them.
She is simply weak and he was her source of energy.
Max drowns in her and takes advantage of having her against him to breathe.
He feels his blood start to flow again.
His heart start to beat again.
His lungs start to breathe again. She’s like a drug he can’t get enough of. She could become an addiction if he’s not careful
Then in a second, this moment shared between them stops. She moves away from him, putting a hand on his chest and moves away without a word. He looks at her leaving and wants to scream I'm begging you, don't leave me, I need you. Don't leave me.
She turns towards him, as if she had heard the cries of sadness his tears reach the heart of the earth, the tears flooding her cheeks, trembles but stays still. He just reads on her lips uttered "Max...".Then a loud noise echoed, then another and a flash of lightning and in less than a few seconds they were soaked by a violent storm. But the weather forecast made no such prediction! They don't know it yet, but that weather will change the course of their lives.
Max looks at Helen, frozen and motionless, and he knows how much she hates storms. He knows how petrified she is. The flash of lightning precedes the sound of thunder. The rain that falls during the storm clears more quickly these fleeting memories. Max approaches and takes her hand.
- Come with me, he says, and she lets him lead her without saying anything. His long legs go around some bushes through the park and Helen almost has to run to get to his side. He doesn't look at her, he just moves forward without saying anything and she follows him without asking where he is taking her, where they are going.
Then he stops in front of a car, opens the door and makes her get in the front seat.
-Is your hotel far from here? He asks without looking at her.
-Yes, I'm far enough away from here.
-Okay. You need to get changed or you'll get cold. He feels her shivering next to him and turns the heat up to the max. He doesn't ask her for the address, he just turns on the car.
His jaw is contracted and his eyes concentrated on the road. They arrived in front of a building what Helen thinks is his place, he doesn't even give her a glance.
-Here! he says, last floor, door 10
-Where are we?
-Go ahead, I'm coming. He sees her hesitant and as if he suspected what was bothering her, he murmurs. Luna is at her friend Louise's house. Go ahead, dry off, warm up and put your stuff in the dryer. I won't be long, then I'll drop you off wherever you want.
-You're as wet as I am, she says. He just shrugs.
-I won't be long. Helen grabs his keys and once inside, is amazed at what she sees behind that door.
***Helen cries for a long time, her pain is screaming in her stomach again and again. When she finally manages to calm down, she goes around his apartment, brushes her fingertips over his pictures, his books. She sees him a lot with hisfriends, other people she doesn't know and Luna. He and Wilder seem very close. In all the photos, his smile is present, his eyes may not be as sparkling as usual, but he genuinely looks happy. His books are battered, a sign of wear and tear. Helen stops on a book. Sleeping Beauty. It is the most damaged, and Luna's favorite, in opening it she finds a photo of her, Luna and him. A sob gains her and a desire to vomit too. The two loves of her life. They were so happy on this photo. The truth is that she has been waiting for them for a year, and does not want to see him leave today. She needs him, needs his love.
She continues her tour, brushes her fingertips on the piano in the middle of the room. The piano is showing signs of wear and tear, but it's a genuine Bechstein, she smiles because she knows Luna wanted to play piano.
She continues and enters into his bedroom, it's beautiful, white and big.There is a very pleasant panoramic and unobstructed view over Lake Geneva and she puts a hand on the window. She stays a moment in this position, then goes to lie down on his bed. His smell rises in her nostrils and she closes her eyes.
She wishes he were here, she wishes he would kiss her, she wishes he would fix her. She dozes off for a few minutes and then ends up going to the shower. Once naked, she runs the water over her body and closes her eyes. Each drop purifies her and makes her feel good. She has the choice between several shower gels, undoubtedly belonging to Luna but she takes his wanting to keep his smell on her as long as possible.
Max slams the door and calls her, not answering, he goes looking for her and goes back up to the bedroom. When he opens the door, he finds Helen in a bath towel, a wave of hot air crosses his body but he remains quiet.
- Sorry, I forgot my clothes in the dryer.
Still without a word, Max tries to hold his breath. This one could show her how much he wants to touch her, right now. His eyes are burning and hers are boring into him far too slowly. He hears his heart beating in his temples and if she doesn't leave right away to get dressed, he doesn't know what he could do. But instead of heading to the bathroom, Helen walks towards him. He can see by her throat that she is breathing heavily. A drop of sweat rolls down his temple and he can't stay still much longer. Inches away from him, she pulls off her towel.
In a few seconds, he grabs her and she finds herself pressed against the wall, nude. Max tightens his fingers around the back of her neck, pulling her face closer as his eyes search hers, needing the affirmation. He puts gently his lips against hers, she kiss him back and it becomes as painful as intense. Their tears mix, their breaths embrace and he breathes again. His hands caress all her body, and her mouth is aching on his. He feels his blood start to flow again and feels her as distressed as he does but their shared pain becomes less strong. As if living it together would lessen it. Their hearts agree and beat as hard one as the other. Their tongues melt and come together, and his life takes on a new meaning.
Her fingers dig into his skin as she grinds against him, making it clear she wants more than that. She moans before licking those pretty lips. He crushes his lips down on hers, her lips taste like vanilla and feel like the softest velvet he’ve ever touched. He wants to lose himself in her sweet softness and forget all the bad shit in their life.
A strong wave of heat crosses all his body and his veins burn with desire. His mouth settles on her neck, his hands wander on her hips, then her kidneys. The movements of her body and the moans which leave her mouth don't hide the need that she has of him. In fact, she is thirsty of his body since she saw him in Singapore.
Her slightest movements become pleasant burns and she feels every bit of his skin. Helen can feel even the slightest of his shivers and hear the faintest of his breaths. Max's chest rises and falls faster than he could have imagined before and he wants to keep it that way. He wants to keep breathing. He takes Helen's head in his hands and places his lips against hers. Their gestures are in agreement, nothing is awkward. He knows her and she knows him. This pressure in his chest increases a little more each second and he feels his heart beating again. His desire only increases when he puts her on the bed and comes over her. His lips kiss her thighs and lower abdomen while her body fights not to explode.
"Max, she moans into his mouth, her voice quivering with need and fear. These were the first prayers her lips had uttered for many years. Every sensation and sound are heightened by her fear. Max doesn't seem to be the least bit concerned about what they’re doing. Their moans match and complete each other. All their movements are very precise and their desires don't stop. At the moment when he comes back above her, two hands on both sides of her head, her eyes burn and his are on fire.
Stroking the tip of his member through her wetness before thrusting deep inside her, her fists clench the sheets, causing her white knuckles. Helen’s momentarily winded as her body adjusts to the fullness of him being fully seated. As if sensing how she's feeling, Max doesn't move at first, kissing her deeper as his hand slides up her leg between them. Helen rock against him, needing his movement with each swipe of his thumb pad against her.
Max doesn't want to be gentle, he doesn't want to think, he just wants to make love to her. He wants to make up for those eighteen months away from her, away from her skin, away from her breath, her tongue, her smell. He wants his Helen. So he doesn't care about being sweet tonight. So he pulls out, thrusting into her deeper the second time. He leaves a billion fingerprints on her skin, on her neck and on her heart. He comes in her and her whole body arches to let him, when she feels his gold semen spreading through her, she closes her eyes and opens them again, never to forget this moment. She gasps into his mouth, tangling her fingers in the back of his hair, and as she releases her last breath along with his, her body shakes from the top of her head to her toes and finally she feels alive.
She holds her face against his as she squeezes her eyes shut.
This night, just reminds her of everything that she deprived herself of.