Chapter 2
Helen wakes up with eyes too swollen to have cried yesterday, she lift her head, looks at her phone and sees several missed calls. Seyeed, Elinor, Benett and her mother.She turns her phone, the screen against the mattress and lays her palms on her eyes, as if to get rid of her migraine, as if to erase Max's face from her memory, as if to erase this desire to disappear herself. As in a dream, she heard the voice telling a story; a story that strangely sounded like hers, only it seemed more embellished and more perfect as her mistakes and her lies were not mentioned... Was it her imagination, or a vain illusion?
Today is another day and Helen wonders if she dreamed seeing Max yesterday was a figment of her imagination, but when she reads Benett's text, she realizes that it was reality and she must have been overly dramatic with her.She remembers waking up in the night, and the cut on her finger is also a reminder of the broken glass, her uncontrolled sobs and the reassuring words of her best friend. Benett is a breath of fresh air for Helen, and her friendship is so important! She feels loved, she feels heard, she feels valued. The way Helen has been there for each of her so-called friends in NY, her devotion to them has been difficult once she realized she was alone. These same people for whom she gave so much, turned their backs on her at the same time that her ties to Max were broken. These people were supposed to be her friends long before Max came to NA. That's why Helen didn't get the judgment and the lack of support. She tried to reach out to Lauren, Floyd and Iggy, but her calls went unanswered and her texts went unreturned. So Helen decided to erase them from her life... but if she's honest with herself, she knows they did it long before her. They chose Max... not her! And now, a year later, she has made peace with it and accepted that they didn't choose her.
While she gets ready and hides the signs of her terrible night under her foundation and concealer, Helen chooses her outfit according to her mood, a black dress and as usual, high heels. Does she hope to see Max by choosing this dress? She doubts it and thinks that he has run away. She hears a knock and rushes to open the door. Seyeed enters with two coffees that he is holding in front of her.
-Guess which one’s yours? Helen looks at him with a raised eyebrow then chooses the one on the left.
-Good choice with extra cream, he says, giving her a kiss on the temple. You look tired, but gorgeous in that dress.
-Thank you, she said, winking at him, before going to get her purse.
-Do you want to do the presentation today? Seyeed asks.
-Anya?
-Sorry, my head was spinning. No! the deal with me being here was that I wouldn't do any presentations. So don't try to sell me your work again Prof. Ali
-Can you stop calling me like that? You make me feel old.
-But you are, says Helen jokingly. Seyeed holds her jacket and she slips into it, then turns to face him!
-What do you think? She asks
-Do you really need me to tell you once again that you are gorgeous?
-It's never enough, Helen says, winking at him and laughing as she enters the elevator. As the doors close, they hear a voice.
-Hold the elevator please. But too late, the doors close before they have time to hold them.
-I almost forgot to tell you, I have to get back early, Elinor sent me a detailed report of the meeting and I thought I could do it from here, but unfortunately I can't.
-And your deputy?
-No, they can't and don't make me explain why this man really wants me to be there and not them... Go ahead, I'll join you in a moment, I need another coffee, says Helen as she walks away
-Stop drinking so much coffee, says Seyeed. Helen walks backwards,
-Tells Prof Ali to start his presentation and not to wait for me
-You are lucky that I love you
-And you are lucky to love me. Aren't you? Then she turns around and walks quickly towards the counter. As she walks back to the room, Helen is stopped by her phone ringing, she takes it out of her purse and immediately picks it up.
-When were you going to tell me you were in Asia?
-Hi Mom, how are you? I'm fine, thanks, how are you?
-Don't be cheeky Helen. Helen stops, rolls her eyes and sits down on the bench.
-You told me you couldn't come to my birthday party, but I didn't know you were going to Asia. Serwa says pointedly
-Mom, I'm here for work, no beach or sightseeing
-Says this to Seyeed, I saw the pictures he posted on the social media... of you two. Why is he here?
-Since when do you care about social media? and did you forget that I work with him?
-I don't like the hold he has on you, and then calling you Anya when everyone else calls you Helen, and I-
-Mom stop, Please stop talking, Seyeed is my .... Anyway, I don't have time for this, why are you calling?
-Am I supposed to get a reason to call my daughter now?
-I'll be in London for 3 days, I'll call you when I get there and we'll celebrate your birthday together. Is that alright with you?
-As if I had a choice
-Okay bye mom... Helen hangs up the phone and rubs her forehead, Serwa has taken too much of her time and she is late but she hopes Ali will wait before starting. She takes a deep breath before opening the door where the private conference is. She walks in with her chin up and Dr. Helen takes hold of Helen Sharpe as she does in every one of these situations.
Greeted by Dr. Sarah Nazrin, Helen's bright smile dies on her lips as her gaze falls on Max, she now turns to Dr. Jean from Paris and as she shakes his hand, Helen gasps but feels Max's steady gaze on her back. His eyes are like weapons that tear her apart. She knows that approaching him would only hurt him and she doesn't want to hurt him anymore, not because of her.
***
Max Goodwin was a ghost of himself. He woke up after months in a coma, unable to move or think. his only way of communicating? Blink, and hope that no one would see the tears in his eyes ready to spill at any moment. After so many months of avoiding sleeping in their bed, Max had to learn to live again, for himself, and for Luna. But all around him, the whispers preceded him, the cornered glances pursued him. He had to start from scratch to become again the one he was. But was he really sure he wanted to?
Yesterday was undoubtedly the worst night he has had in a long time, but now he is reduced to inactivity since his awakening several hours ago, as he places his palms against his eyes, the recovery will be long, warns his brain and he is so sore that he feels like he will never get out of bed. He knows that he alone is several times a miracle of science. He went through a period of coma of several months ... and he thought he was the living proof of a resurrection ! While Max thought a few months ago that he never wanted to see Helen Sharpe again, he would now like to see her, to talk to her, to hear her explain why she did that to him, to their his daughter, to them. Because it was only thanks to her that he didn't drown, only thanks to her that he could breathe. Max would have liked to tell her that he forgave her, but he didn't succeed.
His legs are tingling, because, inevitably, the inaction weighs him down. There's certainly something wrong with him... When he woke up this morning, he knew this day would be special, that nothing would go the way he wants, he has a headache, he missed the elevator that closed right in front of his face and he is sure to arrive later than planned. When he arrives at the conference, after having a coffee, he goes directly to the room. He is not yet ready to talk to Helen, not yet ready to accept his decision, although he knows it is the right one, that he needs it to move on. As he sits, he feels his hands shaking and he hears his heart beating a thousand times as he greets Prof. Ali and the people in the room.
Thankfully Helen is not here, he suspected that she would not be here. Is she too coward to face him? No, she had tried several months ago in New York and he had been too dumb to stay away.. Not being able to put a word in front of the other, he simply nods. Then for the second time in a few minutes, Max turns his head towards the door opening again. This time, his heartbeat mixes and he shakes with all his limbs. When his eyes meet her, he hears his notes crashing to the floor but he can't move and then watches her turn to Dr. Jean.
A few hours to go, she doesn't do the presentation, he might not have to talk to her, he hopes... not yet. He's not ready and can't stand the look in her eyes, having her near him is painful enough as it is. He focuses his attention on the data.
When he hears Prof. Ali start to talk about how he had persuaded her to go on this road with him, it pisses him off and he starts to get tired of hearing him ramble on about their story. Helen doesn't open her mouth once, she just smiles, looks at Seyeed and lowers her head. Watching her, Max can see that she is not at ease, her eyes have no more sparkle but she remains the most beautiful eyes around this table. His fingers grip his pen and he inhales sharply. He wonders if Seyeed knows her as he knows her. If he knows why she has that tattoo, if he knows why she doesn't like to talk about herself much, if he knows how she whispered his name when he kissed her there, in that place that gave her so much pleasure. If she cums in the same way. If she bites her lower lip, if she laughs when he kisses her in the crook of her neck... If...If...If.
Max shakes his head as if to chase away his thoughts and each of his breaths becomes short and he focuses more on his hands than on the conversation. Her eyes may look sassy when you don't know her, but in fact they're infested with pain. I need you like a heart needs a beat. Dr. Grace's hand on his shoulder cuts him off from his thoughts and he realizes that everyone is looking at him. A raised eyebrow and they realize he hasn't heard their question. Helen’s gaze studies his, he doesn't look away. Her eyes probe the depths of his soul, as if she was reading his thoughts, and guessing what he was thinking, then her cheeks take a tint of red and Helen lowers her eyes and looks at her small hands.
The presentation goes as well as expected, the data speaks for itself and then he doesn't know what's going through his mind, as if to bring him back down to earth, he remembers how she disappointed him, not once but twice. Two fucking times. He thought she was loyal, but it turns out she was unethical and suddenly everything comes together and makes sense. He remembers her signature on that trial. When he opens his mouth the words that come out are like a Scud missile soaring towards its target.
-What is the basis of your research? What type of target are you aiming at? How safe are these protocols? Some people base their research on one type of population, which I find deplorable, what can you say about that? Max doesn't let Seyeed speak and he goes on. Some people's personal ties lead them to direct their research or sign agreements for protocols that do not involve diversity but just a minority.
-It’s completely unethical Dr. Jean interrupts him and before he goes any further, Seyeed distributes new data to reassure everyone. He stressed out the importance of research based approach.
- The clinical trials are safe.The procedure is safe and complies with all established protocols and the selected protocol ensures safe treatment parameters. The guidelines are based on credible medical evidence and research. Professor Canming will be bringing a progress report before tomorrow meeting. Gazing at Helen, Seyeed frowned before postponing the meeting.
As the room empties, Helen heads for the exit.
-Where do you think you're going?
-ANYA! I'm talking to you, stop walking. Helen stops but doesn't turn around. Then Seyeed's voice calms down. Talk to me Anya, who is this Dr Goodwin to you? Helen finally turns around and faces Seyeed
-Why is this so important to you? Seyeed approaches and cups her face, softening his features
-Should I be worried?
-No Seyeed, Helen says, trying to step back, but Seyeed holds her back.
-I don't care who he is to you, fix it, I don't want him to put doubt in anyone's mind.
-Is that all you care about?
-No... he's breathing, I don't want him to distract you or what you've been working on for almost a year. It's too important.
-Okay," Helen said, as he took her in his arms,
-Stop doing that.
-Doing what?
-Seyeed, stop. I don't want people to think that we work together because I'm your-
-My what?
-Seyeed!
- Fine, go talk to this guy and then I'll take you back to the hotel to pack your stuff.
-I can go by myself, stay here and answer questions, I'll let you know when I'm ready. Helen wanders down the hall looking for Max and hopes to talk to him before she flies away.She sees Max at the entrance of the cafeteria, facing the bay window and wonders if he heard her, if he recognized the sound of her heels clicking against the marble floor or if he saw her reflection through the window. She stops behind him, nervous.
-Max? he didn't answer and when he turned around, she noticed he was holding his phone.
-Hi, she says shyly. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything important? she said, nervously fiddling with the handle of her purse. Max doesn't answer and pockets his phone. Helen looks at him in front of her and wonders if he was always this tall. A year she's been preparing herself for what to say to him if he were in front of her, now the words are stuck in the back of her throat and refuse to come out.
-I...I wanted to tell you that...I want to apologize for-
-For what? because you ditched me?
-Max, please let me explain.
- No need, save it. he said, passing her to leave, his long legs crossing the hall in less time, hers short, almost running behind him. Then she catches up with him and puts a hand on his arm. The contact burns him and he holds all his being not to make run even only one tear on his cheeks. Max quickly withdraws his arm from hers, and his soft blue eyes turn into dark gray sending lightning bolts at her every second.
-You want to know? I don't even care that you ditched us, after all, why should I be surprised? you are cold and dead inside. You have baggage and it comes with you in all your relationships. As soon as the words come out of his mouth, Max instantly regrets them and wishes he could, but he can't take them back.
-Max…
-No! you wanted to talk, let me talk and listen…I don’t care what you did to us, but what you did with that trial was unethical. Helen wipes away the tears she couldn't hold back and looks at Max confused.
-What are you talking about? What trial?
-Don't play innocent, You ran a whites trial to save me. You can call it love, but It wasn’t love, it was just you being unethical and selfish.
-I didn’t
-You did it. Your name Helen, your signature was on the protocols.
-I didn't do any of that Max, says Helen, through gritted teeth, "my signature must have been imitated by Castro. During your treatment I was gone for a few months, and then when I returned I realized that her data was fake. I would never sign up for a trial I've spent my life fighting for. A racist trial? seriously Max? You hate me so much to think that I would have been able to do such a thing? yes I love loved you, but I would never put a patient's life in danger to save yours. Never.
Helen stops for a moment, trying to regain her breath and hold back the tears that threaten to flood her cheeks again. I saved you! Yes I saved your life, but the way you guys used my name to try to demean my work is disgusting. Implying the racist trial, unethical and destroying everything I was over those years?.
And I thought you knew me? I guess we were both wrong about who we were dealing with.
-Helen…
-Don't touch me. Don't you dare say my name, you have lost the right to talk to me. She passing him and walking towards the exit.
***
Helen gets into the cab, which is heading to the airport. Now thirty minutes, Seyeed is trying to understand why the relationship between Helen his Anya and Max is so tense, but he gets no answer. He doesn't even know why he is interested and Helen doesn't seem to be happy that he’s interested in her past.
-Let's just forget about him. She said. It's so ironic coming from her. But Seyeed doesn't know... Seyeed doesn't know anything.
And forget about Max Goodwin. If only she would listen to her own advice. She feels Seyeed relax and she puts her arms under his arm, resting her head on his shoulder. Helen senses that they are both in deep thought, but both want to keep their words. She feels appeased and wishes only one thing: Never see Max again.
Max runs his hand through his hair and then over his beard. It's been three hours since he spoke with Helen, three hours that he wonders what he should do, then he tries his last chance, he takes his phone out of his pocket, goes to his contacts and stops at the letter H and presses to call her. He doesn't know if she still has the same number, then the ringing starts. Once, twice and the voicemail starts. Hi, you have reached Helen Sharpe's voicemail, leave a message after the tone. Bip
Max decides to move, coming out of his coma state and gets out of the elevator, heading towards the hotel restaurant to eat. He suddenly sees a woman and thinks he recognizes Helen getting into a cab. He rushes towards the exit but the cab is already far away. He walks towards the reception to be sure and not to let his hallucinations play tricks on him.
-Uh excuse me he says while scratching the back of his head, can you give me the number of Dr. Sharpe's suite please?
-No, the young man said without looking at him.
-I know...I know this must sound strange but Billy, Max said, looking at the name tag. It's really important, then he starts to tell his story, their story, and the words flow out of his mouth like therapy. The curious receptionist now looks at him with interest.
-Please... Billy please
-What name did you say?
-Dr. Sharpe, Helen Sharpe. Billy takes a few minutes to check and then his eyes return to Max
-Sorry, we don't have a Dr. Sharpe in the hotel. Are you sure she's staying here?
-Yes, I just saw her leaving, She was with Prof. Ali Seyeed. I saw him in front of your desk.
-Ali Seyeed you said?
-Yes, Ali Seyeed
-I can’t tell you this, but if it will help you Dr. Ali booked a room for an Anya Ali. If this is the woman who just went out with Prof. Ali Seyeed, it’s Dr. Helen Anya Sharpe Ali. Prof. Ali's wife I guess.
-Ali? Helen Sharpe ALI?
-Yes, that's right! Dr. Helen Anya Sharpe Ali. Says Billy insisting on the name Ali, it seems to me that your former fiancée got married Dr. Goodwin. Looking at Max with a sorry look. Shocked, Max looks at Bill blankly
-Thank you. He says, Thank you, but the word comes out of his mouth, flaring his tongue and spreading like poison. He tries to smile, but his jaw is clenched and what appears to be a smile looks more like a grimace. He backs away completely disoriented, jostling a customer, apologizing...he has to sit down or his legs will give out.
He goes to the elevator forgetting that he came down to eat and as soon as the doors open, he enters inside as if to take refuge from his thoughts. As if trapped, his head spins, and he is forced to lean against the wall to avoid collapsing.
Ali... Mrs. Ali? Helen Anya Ali? Helen got her life back? Was that the reason she broke up? Was that the reason she wanted to meet him in that bar in New York? Was that why she seemed so distant the last few weeks before they broke up? He did try to rebuild his life and move on with Wilder, so why does it seem strange that Helen would do the same? Why is he disappointed? Why is he sad? Angry? His phone rings and Wilder's face appears on the screen. Max ignores the call, then it rings again and this time he declines the call..
Trying and counter these thoughts by writing down arguments against them. But all these thoughts were really the echo of his own.Max closes his eyes with all his might, thinking that these thoughts, these memories would change their way. Trying to push these thoughts away by writing arguments to the contrary, but all these thoughts were indeed echoes of his own. It’s these thoughts that cause the feelings of panic. Yet these thoughts, which he wants to be wrong, reinforce the negative aspects of his ego. Six months he's been in Geneva, eight that he and Wilder have become, well... something. He wanted to prove to himself that he could do it, that he could make a successful life after her, but today he wonders if he got it right with the wrong person.
Do you promise to love me more than anything? Helen had asked him lying naked on the carpet, playing with Max’s beard. The living room welcoming their cozy moments near the central fireplace. Too eager to be together after she picked him up at the airport during his last stay in London
I promise to love you more than you will ever need. I promise to love you more than reason will allow. I promise to spend the rest of my life making you happy.Max had answered her marking her body with kisses and leaving memories on her skin at every turn
The truth is that when you love someone more than your own life, you allow them to destroy you.