Chapter 16
“Are you happy?” Darcy asked, brushing out her wet hair.
“In general? I think so.” Steve replied. He was keeping watch while the rest of the commandos rested for a couple of hours.
“Are you happy with us?”
“What do you mean, Darce?”
“I mean,” Darcy sighed, giving up on the knots and leaning against the wall. “Are you happy with our relationship?”
“I’m happy we’re together, no matter what way. Would I rather be there with you or you be here with me? Of course, but I think we can make this work.”
“You think that we can be happy like this forever? I want us to be. I want it to always be us” She closed her eyes.
“I would rather have a little than nothing at all.” He paused. “Would you be happier without me?”
“Not at all,” she responded immediately.
Steve was about to say something when Bucky’s words kept echoing in his ear, ‘Why don’t you just marry her?’ Because he never can. Never will. He knew Darcy to know that she will never marry, never have children, because of him. She could have a normal, healthy relationship without him and probably just as happy. Even though the thought of her being with another man, giving him that crooked grin and letting that man touch her was enough pain to give him a heart attack, he knew deep down that what they were doing wasn’t right.
“Are you having doubts?” He asked, clearing his thoughts.
“I just feel like I hold you back. I want to be the one who makes you stronger, not weaker.” She replied honestly. “Your life is difficult without me adding more to it.”
You’re not, he wanted to say, you do nothing but inspire me. You make me feel alive. You make me want to be the better man. You push me, but you’re always there beside me. You believe in me when no one else does. You give me hope. You make me feel like home.
But none of that came out. Steve slowly stood, closing his eyes at the guilt that was overcoming his body.
“Steve?” She asked hesitantly when he didn’t respond.
He was going to die and she was going to have to deal with that pain. Did he really want to be that selfish with her? Did he really want to keep giving her only parts of himself? He curled his fist, hating Fate for ever doing this to them.
“Steve, talk to me!” He could hear the panic in her voice, but he couldn’t respond. All he could think is that he was always going to do this to her. He was always going to make her worry, the gap between them too big. He had hoped that this connection between them would hold them together no matter what. That somehow they would find a way together. He cursed his own naivety.
“Steve?” She tried again, quieter this time before.
He took a deep breath, trying to prepare himself for the worst thing he will ever do, that he was sure of.
“I think you’re right.”
He felt her go completely still. “Right about what?”
He briefly wondered if her not being able to see him will make it easier for him to lie to her, but he knew that wouldn’t be true. Either way, he was going to have to do this to prevent her pain in the future. Give her the life she deserves, he told himself.
“I think,” It was like pulling his heart out as the words formed. “We rushed into this.”
“You do?” He could hear the shock, feel it as well.
“I think that being together romantically is doing nothing but hurting us.” He continued his charade. “I got a war I need to focus on, Darcy, and I can’t keep worrying about you at the same time.”
“Then we’ll just take a break until things calmed down.” She suggested. He could already feel her tears against his cheek.
“I think it’s best we cut it off all together.” He hated hurting her, but he needed to push her. Needed her to not want to be with him so she could move on with her life.
“Why? Why would you want to do that?” She begged.
“Because I want children one day, Darcy! I want a marriage and a home. Let’s face it, that’s never going to happen with having you stuck in my head. This thing has been a curse since the beginning!”
“No, it hasn’t, Steve.” She argued, pushing past the pain for anger. “I know it sucks we can’t have that life but it would be worse not having you at all.”
“I don’t think that’s true.” It tasted like blood on his tongue. “I think I could find this happiness with someone else. I think everything you’ve been worrying about is true.”
“I didn’t say any of this for us to break up.” Her words were shaky. “I want to be with you, Steve. I’ve been an idiot for saying all these things, I just want us to be happy and together.”
“I know you do, but I think I will be happier with an actual relationship with another person.”
“Steve,” she begged once more, it was barely a whisper. “I love you, please don’t do this.”
Don’t you see? I have to, he thought, but instead replied. “I want to. You can try to talk to me, but I won’t be with you. I want more than what Fate has given us.