Desperation
Steve had thought he was ready. He'd told himself he was ready.
Turns out he was lying to himself, again.
Eleven was standing in the doorway, her eyes boring into his soul. Steve was leaning heavily on Eddie, but found himself pulling away from the assistance when he saw her. She was taller than he remembered. The last time he'd seen her, she was still small. Fragile.
Now, she looked strong. She felt strong.
"Steve..." she breathed, stepping into the house.
He met her halfway, gathering her shivering form into his arms, despite his own fragile state. She clung to him harder than he'd ever been held. Her arms wrapped around his torso, hands fisted in the back of his shirt. Steve tucked his face into her shoulder, just to remind himself that it was all real.
That she was really there.
That it wasn't a dream. Or a loop.
He ignored the weakness in his legs. Ignored the trembling in his shoulders. Ignored the blurriness of his vision. Steve held her like it was the last thing he'd ever do.
With his good hand cradling the back of her head, and his other around her waist. He let his senses flood with the feeling of El. With the way she was relieved, and happy, and shocked. And the way she was also grieving, and was in pain, and needed him.
Steve wanted it to go on forever. He wanted to hold her until everything was right again. But he could feel Hopper behind him, and he knew El needed her dad, just as much as she need her brother.
So, hesitantly, he guided her attention away from himself. And the moment she left his arms, Steve felt his knees begin to buckle. Eddie caught him - because he was never far, and Steve let himself be pulled into his man's side. Just in time for Will to appear in front of them.
Steve had never known Will very well. They'd only really interacted in passing. But the teen looked desperate - bordering on panicked. So Steve held out his free arm, and let Will bury his face into the side of his bruised neck.
He'd gotten taller. And stronger. And Steve was already proud of him.
"It's gone," Will said, his voice muffled against Steve's shoulder. "I can't feel it anymore."
Steve nodded. Eddie shifted against him, and he could feel the air of uncertainty coming off of the other man. He pushed back with his own reassurance, his fingers playing with the shoulder seam on Eddie's shirt. "Yeah," Steve whispered, holding Will close. "It's gone."
Another warm body pressed against his right side. Steve unwrapped himself from Eddie and extended his arm. Mike was quick to accept the offer, an arm around each of them. Eddie's hands were a warm comfort on his hips where he stood. They were both close to his own height, now.
They weren't the little kids he’d shuttled around a year or two ago.
Eventually, Will pulled away to fall into his mother's fussing hands.
Mike was whisked away by his own mom.
And Steve found himself face to face with a tired Jonathan.
"Thank you," was all the other young man said.
Their hug was brief, before Jonathan was moving back and pulling his long-haired friend towards Joyce.
Steve drew in a shuddering breath. Eddie finally pressed closer, his right arm wrapping back around Steve's waist. There was an edge of questioning bleeding through Eddie's aura, and Steve knew he was worried. He wanted to understand. Steve turned in Eddie's hold, letting his forehead fall onto the other man's shoulder. "I'm okay."
Eddie didn't seem to believe him, though. There was concern there now. Well, the concern was always there - but it was creeping forward now. "Are you sure about this? Are we ready?"
Steve stayed quiet for a long time. He knew he should be saying 'no'. He wasn't ready. Not even close. But they needed to do this. They needed to tell them. Because that little nugget of information - the number - it was still on everybody's minds. Drawing their attention back to the two.
"I have to be."
It should have been terrifying. Sitting on the Sinclairs’ couch, surrounded by the family he had grown to adore. All looking at him with expectancy. All waiting for him to explain.
Eddie was tucked against his side, and Steve didn't have to look to know that his eyes weren't on them. They were on him.
"On March 28th, Eddie died."
Confusion quickly flooded the room.
"He sacrificed himself to a hoard of bats. To save Dustin, and buy us more time to kill Vecna and protect Max."
Robin shuffled in her spot next to Eddie on the couch, only for the young man to silence her with a hand on her knee.
"It... It's hard to remember, so you'll have to bear with me. Um... in... in the first loop- The Original- Eddie died and we had to leave his body in the Upside Down. Robin, Nancy and I managed to hurt Vecna, but he vanished before we could confirm if he was dead. We- we never found out what happened to Max in the first one. But I don't think you survived."
His eyes lifted to lock onto the red-head. The girl looked sad. But Steve could feel the relief in her, now.
"We were trying to come back to this side. I was last. And... I... when I went through the gate, I ended up back at Lover's Lake in the Upside Down."
The confusion only deepened. Eddie's fingers traced circles on his hip, just beneath the hem of his shirt. A repetitive, grounding touch.
"At first I was really confused, because I had somehow gone backwards in time by, like, two days. You guys won't remember this because you never experienced it in this timeline. But after I got dragged down into the lake, and Eddie tried to find me– in The Original, Eddie, Robin and Nance all came through. We were attacked by the Demobats, and had to run and hide at Skull Rock."
Steve dragged a rattling breath into his weakened lungs. This was going to be hard. Breaking it down for them without going in circles or revealing too much.
"Well, about... I think I was close to my 20th loop? Eddie pulled me aside and told me he knew what was going on. Because he had been stuck in his own loop for a handful of rounds. After that, our loops synched up–"
"Don't leave it out, Stevie."
Steve froze. It took him a moment to realise what Eddie was talking about. But once he remembered, his head whipped up to look at the other man. The pain was evident in Eddie's eyes. As was the rock-solid resolve.
Steve sighed. There was no avoiding it, now. "I tried to go back and save Eddie. During that loop."
A particularly harsh spike of emotion had Steve's gaze moving to Hopper, this time.
"What happened?" The older man asked, his tone hesitant. Almost like he already knew the answer.
"When I got back to the trailer park, the bats were already attacking him. I tried to fight them off, but they..."
"I was on my... 6th?” Eddie began, taking over where Steve trailed off. “My 6th loop. Steve didn't know I was looping, yet. And I was totally expecting it to go the same as usual. But then I looked up, and Steve was running towards me with a fucking Molotov cocktail in one hand, and an axe in the other."
Eddie turned, smoothing a hand through Steve's hair and down the curve of his spine - as if to remind himself that the man was still there. Steve fought back a shiver at the touch. Their eyes met, and Steve let himself drift into the depths of Eddie's aura as the man spoke.
"Steve died before I did, that time. And I knew I had to tell him I was looping, too. I didn't want to see him die again."
Steve offered Eddie a sad smile. The hand in his hair shifted to stroke over his cheek briefly, before the arm was dropping onto his shoulders. He was glad Eddie had left out the details of their deaths, that time. The desperation. Steve could still feel the flames licking at his skin.
The younger man turned back to their audience, gaze drifting over faces before locking onto the ground between his feet. "We tried to make it work. For a long time. I would meet up with El in The Void and brainstorm. But there was only so much we could try."
"Wait," Dustin finally piped up, having been suspiciously quiet through their explanation, so far. "So you were going into The Void? Like, El wasn't taking you there?"
Steve shrugged. "I don't know how I was doing it. All I knew was that I could do it, and El was willing to believe me."
"You didn't this time, though," the girl's voice broke through the quiet. Her tone was almost accusing.
And suddenly Steve wasn't sure if he had thought this through. The urge to tell them his state of mind during those loops... it was unbearable. He wanted to tell them.
He wanted to tell them that he left Eddie for dead, loop after loop. Just to follow some fantasy. A fantasy where Eddie was safe and sound.
He wanted to tell them about how desperate he had been to die.
Eddie's hand slid down off his shoulder and landed on the couch next to Steve's hip. Fingertips played with the side seam of his sweats.
"You okay?"
The question was so quiet that, for a moment, Steve wasn't sure Eddie had even spoken. But he turned to face the other man, and Eddie's eyes held the same question.
Steve drew in a deep, shuddering breath. "I think I need a break."