Chapter 6
For Steve, nothing could be as bad as that first month. For the first two weeks Steve was fairly sure that Bucky didn’t sleep. Rather, he just stalked around the apartment at all hours of the night. More then once Steve woke to find Bucky sitting in the corner of his room or in some other random place, silent and unmoving. It was the fifth night that Steve found Bucky on the couch, staring blanking at the black television screen.
“Couldn’t sleep.” It’s not a question but Bucky looks up at Steve and gives a nod.
“When was the last time you got a good night’s rest?”
“I can’t remember,” Bucky muttered, looking straight ahead. Steve internally hits himself over the head. “You have to sleep, Buck.”
“I can’t.” It’s said with no malice, no pain, no emotion.
“Why not?” The silence stretches through the room and Steve's about to ask again when Bucky gives his quiet answer.
"I'm afraid."
"Buck," Steve says with ..."You don't have to be afraid. I know that I can never really know what you've been through but they are never going to get to you again, you-," Bucky cuts him off with a sharp shake of his head.
"No, not HYDRA," he spits the title. "They can't do anything to me that they haven't already done." Steve grimaces at that.
"Then what is it?" There's another long pause and Bucky seems to be contemplating answering.
"Me."
"I don't understand," Steve admits after a moment.
"They made me into a murdering machine," he tells Steve bitterly. The words start to rush from his mouth like water from a broken dam. "I still fall back into that mindset. I see someone and the first thing that pops into my mind is all the ways I can incapacitate them. The Winter Soldier had one job and that was to kill the enemies that HYDRA gave him. Sometimes I wake up and I still think that HYDRA wants me to kill someone.I don't know if I'll be able to stop myself from hurting somebody if that happens." He looks at Steve for the first time since he began his rant.
"I don't want to hurt you." Steve eyes Bucky in all serious before breaking into a small smile.
"I trust you Buck," he says gently but Bucky groans.
"No, you don't understand. I can't control it. I wouldn't be able to stop no matter how much I wanted to."
"You have before," Steve points out. "And I know you would never want to hurt me. That’s enough. There's not much that we can do besides try to get you better. You should know I wouldn't give up on you so easily," Steve grins at him.
"You shouldn't have to go through this," Bucky grumbles.
"You used to take care of me so now I'm just repaying the favor," he says simply and Bucky glowers at him.
"You had colds. There wasn't a big chance of you murdering me in my sleep." Steve chuckles.
"Are you saying our friendship has conditions?"
"You know what I"m saying, Punk." Bucky finds himself grinning back. Him and Steve smile at each other, Bucky wistfully and Steve hopeful.
"Come on," Steve says after an instant. "You have to sleep and so do I." He grabs Bucky's hand and drags him off the sofa.
"Where are we going?"
"My bedroom," Steve says as if it was the most obvious answer in the world.
"Woah," Bucky pulls his hand free and stops in his tracks. "I just said how I might kill you in my sleep so you want to take me to your bedroom to sleep? Are you out of your mind?"
"Only if it's crazy to ask you to trust me." Steve raises a brow, a dare. Bucky has no other choice then to follow Steve back to the room. "Come on," he says as he climbs into his bed, "Just like when we were kids." Bucky stares at the bed for a long moment before following suit and lays on his side, facing Steve. His friend grins at him before snuggling close to his chest. Bucky pulls back quickly, though and Steve is left in the center of the bed.
"I don't know if I'm as trusting as you are about my metal arm being around you while I sleep."
"Okay, then we'll just sleep with your back to my chest." Bucky nods.
"I can do that." He flips around and gets comfortable on his pillow before he feels Steve press up against him and his arms wrap around him.
"Good," Steve asks from behind him and Bucky nods.
"Yeah." Steve nuzzles in Bucky's neck and flexes his arms briefly around him. Bucky relaxes into Steve's touch and for the first time in a long time, is mollified enough to find his eyes drooping shut. "I really missed you, Buck," Steve whispers.
"I missed you too, Stevie," he sighs back. "Even when I didn't know who you were, I knew I was missing something." There's a long moment filled with only the sound of Steve's soft breath in the other man's ear until he whispered again.
"G'night, Bucky." Bucky is muttering his response when his eyes slip shut from the last time.