Chapter 1
When Loki had been granted to live in Avengers Tower, he was nowhere near healthy. Odin had made him mortal and banished him to Earth, so with nowhere to go, Loki had to live on the streets. He didn't have money to pay for food, so he got terribly thin. Though it made him feel sick to know he was enjoying his state, Loki loved being skeletal. He found something so graceful in the way his hipbones and ribs jutted out, and he found it fascinating to watch his legs get thinner and his waist even slimmer. Thor ended up telling Tony about Loki and the mechanic decided to put the former god on permanent house arrest in his tower. That way, he would be able to make sure that Loki didn't cause trouble in New York again.
Tony didn't know how it happened, but he found himself falling in love with Loki. Though he would never announce it formally, he and Loki became a thing and Tony liked it. Loki still looked sickly, though, so when he saw him gaining weight healthily, Tony couldn't be happier. Loki's thinness had always concerned him and to see the trickster looking healthy for once delighted him.
During breakfast one day, Tony said to Loki, "You look good. You don't look sick anymore, which is good. You look healthy."
Loki paused to ask, "What do you mean by that?"
"I mean you've put on some weight in a healthy way," Tony answered. "You're not fat at all if that's what you're thinking, it's just nice seeing-"
"W-what?!" Loki stammered, his eyes filling with tears. "Who even says that? What the hell is wrong with you?!"
Tony scrambled for a reply that would calm Loki down. "I didn't mean it like that. I just-"
"I knew I was starting to look terrible!" Loki shouted, taking his plate and smashing it on the ground. He stormed off right into the bathroom. After a moment of considering what to do, Loki sighed and decided to do something he hadn't done in a long time. He stuck his index and middle finger down his throat and forcefully vomited into the toilet bowl.
After he had calmed down slightly, Loki went to his room and looked in the mirror. He was still thin, but not unhealthily so. He pinched at his sides, finding that even though he wasn't fat, there was flesh there that wasn't there when he had first moved in. He started to cry so hard that he couldn't stop. Eventually, he got so exhausted that he went to bed and fell asleep, but not before locking the door.
Loki had woken up from his nap an hour later with a plan in mind. He would do just what he did in his later teenage years - starve himself until he was happy with the way he looked. He would consume nothing but water. He plastered on a fake smile and went into the kitchen to get a large glass of water. Tony was on the couch, resting his head on his hand with troubled eyes.
"I'm sorry," Tony said, but Loki ignored him. He just took his glass of water to his room and slowly sipped at it while reading. He wasn't reading the usual type of books he liked to read. Instead, he was poring over an informational book on eating disorders. When he was 17 in human years, a joke about his appearance had set him off to develop anorexia nervosa. He had recovered, but had struggled with liking his appearance for years after that. As he looked at the photos of anorexia, he found himself falling in love again with the idea of being skeletally thin.
The more he read about his former disease, the more he felt that he would only be happy if he was as thin as the patients in the photos. He wanted the same jutting hipbones and prominent ribs, as well as the sought-after gap between the thighs. He wondered how concave his stomach could get before he completely wasted away. Though he knew it was unhealthy to long for emaciation, Loki couldn't stop himself from thinking these things.
For the rest of the week, Loki ate nothing and drank only water. He weighed himself daily, bursting into tears at any fluctuation upwards. He felt as if he could break at any moment and no would even care. The thought depressed him but on his second week, he started to lose body fat and it made him even happier than he had imagined.
The weeks passed by like that - not eating anything, drinking lots of water, and looking at photos for inspiration. When he got too hungry and he realized he could starve to death if he didn't eat something soon, he allowed himself a small apple. He felt terribly guilty after having one, but he convinced himself not to throw up. As much as he wanted to be thin, he didn't want yellowed teeth from his stomach acid.
Tony's fellow Avengers started giving him concerned looks, even Clint. Whenever Steve made breakfast, he always asked Loki if he wanted any. Loki always declined the offer with a smile.
Time went on and it became clear that Loki was starving himself. His ribs showed even through his shirt, his hipbones jutted out, and he had a gap between his legs even when he sat down. His facial features were even sharper and his stomach caved in. Tony couldn't take watching Loki waste away anymore, so he pulled Loki aside and asked, "Why are you doing this?"
"Because I want to be thin," Loki said. "I want to be good enough for you. Your assistant is so thin... I want to be like her, since you like her."
"You were already thin. Now you're even thinner. You've always been skinny, Loki. And don't bring Pepper into this. You know I'm in a relationship with only you."
"But you said I gained weight," Loki replied, starting to cry. "I-I didn't want that, I wanted to be beautiful. I only have a few pounds to go and then I'll be perfect."
"What do you mean a few pounds to go?" Tony asked. "You've always been perfect! You don't need to do this!"
"Yes, I do! I need to be perfect for you!" Loki exclaimed before he broke down in tears. "I'm 105 pounds. I need to be at 100 and then I'll stop. 100 will be perfect."
"That's it," Tony said, his voice thick with tears he was trying to hold back. "I'm taking you to Bruce."
"You don't need to take me to a doctor. I'm fine."
Tony took him anyway. Bruce told him that not only had he developed anorexia nervosa, Loki was severely underweight and if he didn't eat, he might die. Tony tried to force Loki to eat but the former god was stubborn not to. He started to cry as much as Loki did, terrified that he would lose Loki to his disease.
Thor saw Tony crying and went up to him. "This isn't your fault. Loki's struggled with this before. When we were in our late teenage years, one of my friends made a joke about Loki's weight and he took it seriously. He started to starve himself and he got terribly thin. He was diagnosed with anorexia after he had nearly died from it. We didn't catch it at first because it is widely believed that men don't suffer from it. It took him around 2 and a half years to recover, and even after that, he still wasn't the same. He struggled with his self image and it appears that he struggles with it to this day."
"What I don't get is why he would take what I said so seriously," Tony said. "I told him he looked healthy and then he starves himself to be thin for me. He wouldn't stop talking about needing to be perfect for me. I meant what I said well but he took it the wrong way and completely freaked out. Now, I feel like if he dies, it will be my fault."
Later that night, Tony heard sounds of retching coming from Loki's room. He didn't know why Loki wouldn't be in the bathroom throwing up, so he decided to investigate. He froze in horror when he saw what was happening.
To Tony's dismay, Loki was coughing up and vomiting blood. There was so much of it on the floor already that the room reeked of it. Tony immediately grabbed Loki by his emaciated waist. He called 911, and as the lights of the ambulance flashed, he felt as if he were in a nightmare.
After around a day, a nurse at the hospital called Tony and said it would be okay for him to visit. When he got into Loki's hospital room, he once again felt like he was stuck in a nightmare.
Loki was so pale that he practically blended in with the hospital bed sheets. He was so thin that he looked almost like a doll, all bony limbs and blue veins. He had a feeding tube in him, a sight that made Tony nearly burst into tears.
"Hi," Tony said, sitting down in one of the two visiting chairs.
Loki gave a weak wave and said after a few moments, "Am I perfect now?"
Tony felt a wave of nausea. "You've always been perfect. I told you that but you didn't listen."
"Well, I'm happy," Loki said with a grin that didn't reach his eyes. "I've never been happier."
"You're lying. You're in a hospital with a fucking feeding tube down your throat and you tell me that you're happy?!"
"Don't yell, Tony," Loki rasped. "You'll get sent out."
Tony ignored Loki's response. "I try so hard to make you see that you're worth it but you always act like you're worthless. I-I don't know what to do anymore. Nothing makes you happier than destroying yourself. Apparently, you're happier wasting away than you are with me."
"Did I ever say any of that?" Loki said weakly.
"No, but I feel like I can't make you happy. You were so happy with me before I said what I did. I'm sorry. I only meant it well but I guess you love hurting yourself more than you love me."
"I do love you. I just felt like I wasn't good enough for you."
"You've always been good enough."
Loki started to cry. "I ruined everything, didn't I?"
Tony came up and hugged Loki close, trying to ignore the feeling of Loki's prominent bones under his skin. "No, you didn't."
"Please tell me it's going to be okay," Loki sniffled. "Please tell me everything's going to be all right."
Tony said nothing, knowing he couldn't answer that.