Chapter 2
Tony had never been a fan of hospitals, but he really couldn’t stand them now that Loki was a patient of one. He kept almost nodding off because he didn’t sleep at all the previous night. Now, warm morning light brought a soft golden glow to the too-white hospital room, scattering its rays over his lover’s starved frame. He couldn’t help but feel a twist of anger deep in his chest - he got a feeling that Loki loved destroying himself more than spending time with him.
Soon, Tony came to the harsh realization that Loki’s issues didn’t just stop at an eating disorder. Staying by his side nearly all day showed him a side of his partner that he couldn’t bear to see. Loki had serious self-destructive tendencies and at times was deluded and completely impossible to reason with. Tony cried himself to sleep the night that he found scars on the god’s wrists and forearms, things Thor told him Loki usually concealed with an illusion. In his weakened state, he couldn’t keep the illusion up. Tony started to question who was the real Loki: the arrogant, power-hungry god he met in Stuttgart, the clever, playfully mischievous trickster he loved, or the self-loathing, unstable ghost he had to deal with now?
At the moment, Tony was sleeping in the visiting chair in Loki’s hospital room. He had exhausted himself helping Loki all day with nearly everything, as Loki was too weak to do most things on his own. He had regained the ability to walk, but did so very unsteadily. He had to have a chair in the shower because he was too weak to stand up for too long, something that tore up Tony’s heart every time he heard the water running. The mechanic couldn’t leave Loki alone for too long because he was so desperate for self-destruction that he could fashion anything into something to harm himself with. He was unsure how long he could put up with this shell of Loki.
Loki ended up waking Tony up by a coughing fit. When he drew a tissue away from his mouth, he saw blood in it. Sighing, he tossed it in the trash bin and hoped his partner didn’t discover it.
“Are you happy that you screwed up your health?’ Tony said venomously.
“Tony, please-”
“No. Whatever you were about to say is bullshit. You said you wanted to be perfect and well, you were already perfect! How does it feel to be dizzy and weak, and how does it feel to have a feeding tube in you? Do you like all of that? I knew you were a masochist, but this is-”
“Shut up!” Loki snapped. “I didn't intend to hurt myself. I just intended to be thinner, but I went too far. You being angry at me isn't solving anything.”
“I have the right to be angry. I was so happy that you were doing better but now you’ve fucked everything up. I'm going to talk to Big Brother. Don't choke on whatever's going through that tube.”
Tony stormed out, ignoring all the nurses’ curious looks towards him. He drove to Avengers Tower and located Thor’s floor. The blond opened the door upon hearing Tony’s knock.
“What brings you to me, Anthony?” Thor asked. “You look distressed.”
“I need to know the full story on Loki’s disordered eating,” Tony replied. “You said one of your friends said something and it set the whole thing off.”
Thor nodded and motioned for his teammate to come inside. Once seated on the couch with Tony in the recliner, he spoke.
“Loki’s always been thin, verging on the line of unhealthily so. But because he wasn’t as muscular as Asgard’s warriors, he was ridiculed and it caused him to perceive his body as something mortifying and something to be constantly improved. When he did develop some muscle, my friend, Fandral, acted like it was fat that he gained. Snide comments like, ‘Loki, your leather’s getting tight’, ‘you'll give Volstagg a run for his money soon enough’, ‘finally filling out now, are we?’, petty things I now know I should've stopped. Loki took all of it to heart.
“It was hard to notice at first, as it wasn't unlike him to spend hours in his room practicing magic or reading. He stayed holed up in his quarters and feigned feeling ill when meals were called. I noticed him dropping weight and by the Norns, I wish I had talked to him. But it was hard to get any chance to speak with him for more than just a short conversation. He just kept waning and one night, I caught him using his magic to disappear food carefully so it looked like he had eaten. I argued with him but he was too stuck in his delusion that he was fat.
“It kept getting worse and worse and I was honestly terrified. He was always shaking and looking faint, and his bones started to show even through his clothes. His hair started to fall out, lanugo appeared, and he became outright horrified of eating. While I was sparring, our mother found him throwing up blood and what looked like the grounds in your coffee. She rushed him to the healers and called me down to accompany him. It broke my heart when I saw he weighed 105 pounds. Yet, he was in tears and still believed himself to be overweight.
“As you know, it took two years for him to become healthy again, but he wasn't the same. Fandral beat himself up over it and frankly, I wanted to kill him. Loki still won't eat certain foods, I believe one of the healers called them ‘fear foods’. Pie, nut spreads, dried fruit, cheesecake, and a few others I can't recall at the moment.”
Tony's heart sank even farther down. “T-that's… that's why he won't eat apple pie when Steve makes it, or the trail mix I live on when I work in my lab.”
“I believe you are correct.”
The mechanic sighed, shaking his head. “Oh, Loki…” he murmured to himself. “Thanks. I think I'll- I think I'll talk to him. And hope he doesn't defenestrate me again if I bring all this up.”
Thor nodded with a warm smile, but there was a hint of tears in his eyes. “Good luck. Please be careful not to misspeak.”
Tony returned the nod and left the god’s floor, then set off to the hospital.
*********************
Tony had expected more arguing from Loki, but the god was oddly silent. A strange feeling coursed down his spine when he saw a look of guilt in his partner’s eyes. Guilt wasn’t something Loki showed often.
“I’m sorry,” Loki rasped. “I just… I realized how selfish I was. You were so relieved that I was getting better, and I ruined that by starving myself. I should’ve explained things to you instead of, well, you’d say I ‘freaked out’. I’m so sorry, but I understand if you can’t or don’t want to forgive me.”
“You really were selfish,” Tony grumbled. “I appreciate the apology, but it doesn’t undo anything.”
“I know it doesn’t,” Loki sighed, but it came out as more of a wheeze. What I did is unforgivable.”
Sighing himself, Tony took a seat in the visitor’s chair. His eyes wandered down Loki’s underweight form and he felt a stab of hurt at his heart. Even with the feeding tube, the god was still so emaciated that he looked like a starved prisoner of war. Tony could count every rib, something that made bile rise in his throat. Seeing a sickeningly concave stomach and too-sharp hip bones made his heart fill with even more hurt.
“Loki, you were so beautiful,” he choked out. “You were pale but not sickly-looking because of that, you had the most attractive lean muscle I’d ever seen, and your eyes were so bright and intelligent. They’re so glazed now…”
Loki frowned. “Past tense. Was I- I mean, am I really that bad? I feel sick now just hearing about it.”
Tony sighed yet again and waved the topic away. “I need you to promise me something.”
"Pray tell,” Loki replied, his voice raspy again.
“I need you to promise me you won’t do this again. I want to see you laugh and smile, not frown and cry. You have the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen and I miss it so damn much. It reaches your eyes and there is nothing that makes me happier than it. I want to see your hair soft and shiny again, not dry and falling out. I want to feel your smooth skin, not the lanugo. I want to see your eyes so bright again, not glazed over and unfocused. I want to hug you and not feel every single bone. And I never want to see any more scars form on your arms.”
Loki’s eyes were shiny with a film of tears. “I… I will grant your wishes.”
***********************
Though most of them still didn’t trust Loki, the Avengers started pitching in to help him recover. Natasha read comforting poems and stories to him in Russian, Bruce left mugs of relaxing tea on his left nightstand, Steve drew cheerful pictures for him, and Thor reminisced about the happy memories of his shared childhood with him. Even Clint tried to help out, though reluctantly - Natasha had lectured him and he couldn’t argue with her points. Once Loki could handle solid food and was okay with light foods like eggs, he put his cooking skills to work.
One day, Clint came to Loki with a plate of fluffy scrambled eggs.
“Eat this or you’ll get an arrow in between your eyes,” the archer said. “And I’ll steal your copy of Beowulf if you magick it away.”
Loki ate well that morning.
Weeks turned into months and soon, Loki had made remarkable progress in his recovery. He still cringed at the sight of Natasha’s cheesecakes and Steve’s pies, but his heart no longer felt like it stopped when he saw them. His hair grew softer, he developed his lean muscle back, his eyes gleamed like they once did, and he even began to smile again. Those grins were true smiles that reached his eyes, and Tony couldn’t seem to tear his eyes from them.
Three years later, Loki had completely recovered, or at least as much as possible for him in his situation. Tony cried tears of joy when he saw him eating a cupcake, something that Loki laughed about. The mechanic praised him constantly and hugged him often.
Lying next to Tony in bed, Loki began to think about where he was three years ago. For once, he silently rejoiced that he was healthy again instead of loathing his now-good health.
“Have I ever told you how gorgeous you are?” Tony asked with a smile, one that Loki returned with a little chuckle.
“All the time,” the god replied. “Do you not recall the other day when you ‘borrowed’ Natasha’s camera to take modeling photos of me? I had never heard you use so many synonyms for ‘beautiful’.”
“Oh, yeah,” Tony laughed. “Don’t worry, I returned it to her a couple hours later. Well, actually a couple days. I only want your thighs around my head.”
“You’re ridiculous,” Loki said, his tongue poking out just a little as he laughed again. “But that’s one of many reasons why I love you.”
“How many other reasons are there?” the mechanic asked with a wry smile.
“I’m afraid the number is too high to even be counted.”
Loki suddenly buried his head in Tony’s chest.
“Can we get ice cream?” he asked, and Tony had never grinned wider.