Something Happens (and i’m head over heels)
Steve knocks on Robin’s door for the third time this morning,
“Robin! Come on!” He shouts.
As fun as carpooling to work with Robin is he always hates this part, standing outside her house like an idiot while she does god knows what.
He moves to knock again only to find the door being swung open.
“Steve shut up you’re gonna wake my neighbors! Mrs O’Connell is cranky enough as it is I don’t need to get her to hate me any more than she already does.” Robin complains, standing in the doorway only half dressed for work holding a toothbrush in her other hand.
“You’re not even dressed yet?” Steve groans as he walks through the doorway, Robin, already half way to the kitchen, not bothering to wait for him.
“Yeauhh I obver-shlept a liddle” she tries to get out while brushing her teeth over the sink. Steve just rolls his eyes and makes his way to the living room.
“Morning, Harrington,” a tired voice calls from the couch, Eddie? What was he doing here? He’d clearly slept over Steve realized, taking in his appearance. His hair messy and eyes a little red, he looks exhausted.
“Uh, hey” Steve attempts weakly, frowning, he’s entirely confused by this situation, his mind going blank in that sort of way that it does when he can’t really process his surroundings.
Before Steve can stutter out another sentence Robin comes walking in, looking around the room at the floor, finally fully dressed.
“Shoes…. Shoes” she’s muttering to herself. She pulls a pair out from under the back of the couch where Eddie’s sitting, attempting to slide her socked feet into them while standing .
“So… uh what are you doing here Eddie?” Steve tries to sound polite and not completely out of wack, he’s also just kinda nosy about Robin’s life in general, she often repays the favor.
Clearly this is a bad idea though as Robin turns to look up at Steve from where she’s crouched on the floor, tying her shoelaces. She widens her eyes dramatically and raises her eyebrows drop it at him.
Steve has no idea why.
“Oh y’know,” Eddie shrugs lazily, that’s all Steve is gonna get apparently. Despite his overwhelming curiosity Steve does as he’s told and drops it, not poking any further.
Eddie stands up and stretches, sighing as his shirt rose up above his jeans slightly and Steve instinctively averts his eyes, turning to Robin instead.
“You almost done around here?”
“Yeah, yeah just get the car started I just gotta grab a couple things” she says as she stands up.
“Sure yeah,” Steve rolls his eyes and moves to make his way to the door just as Eddie’s about to walk to the kitchen. Their shoulders brush for a second as Steve leaves the room and he’s suddenly hit with a strange sort of dizziness at the contact, he makes the conscious effort to ignore it.
As Steve’s about to open the front door he hears muffled voices coming from the living room and well, it’s not like he’s trying to eavesdrop, he just…happens to overhear.
“I’ll be back from work around 5, you can stay here if you want but-“
“Yeah. Yeah uh thanks I mean, I got some stuff to do anyway uh…”
Even from this distance Steve can here Eddie shuffling awkwardly in the living room.
“Ok, yeah sure just…” Robin trails off, her tone changes, more sincere and serious.
“I honestly think you should come back here tonight I mean… I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to-“ Steve can’t make out the rest of the sentence and, okay yeah he’s deliberately eavesdropping at this point, cupping his ear and scrunching up his face.
After a muffled reply from Eddie that’s along the lines of “don’t have to” “thank you” and “appreciate it” he hears Robin say, “and the couch does pull out, although you seemed to have completely crashed before utilizing that feature.”
It’s just so weird, if this was anyone that wasn’t Robin or if Eddie was a girl Steve would just assume this was some kind of awkward post-hookup conversation but obviously that makes no sense.
Is Eddie homeless? Is he hiding from someone… or some thing? The thought makes Steve feel a little sick and his palms sweaty.
Steve feels a bit jealous too, Robin is his best friend, and yeah it’s a bit childish, especially considering everything they’ve all gone through together over the past year but he just can’t help it. Other than Dustin, Steve doesn’t actually have any other close friends, he doesn’t really think he ever even had real friends until he met Dustin and Robin.
So yeah, Steve feels a little jealous that Eddie has suddenly become sooo close with Robin and is having sleepovers at her house instead of him.
But there’s something else there that won’t go away, a different type of jealousy.
It feels similar to that night back in ‘83. Seeing Nancy with Jonathan through the bedroom window.
Which doesn’t make sense. Obviously.
Steve doesn’t like Robin like that, hasn’t for a long time but something about it just makes him feel that same sick feeling, it makes no sense, Robin’s gay and Steve…isn’t.
Just the thought of Eddie sleeping on Robin’s couch and coming back to do it again was making him feel off, why didnt they tell him? They’re leaving him out, it’s just unfair. He wants to be there with them both or well anywhere, he wants that and he wants… something, and he doesn’t know—
Steve decides to stop thinking about it. It doesn’t matter, ignore it, move on, the routine repeats.
Robin and Eddie turn the corner before Steve can attempt to make his way to the car, clearly he had been too caught up in his thoughts since he didn’t hear them coming.
Eddie gets this wide-eyed look on his face as he sees Steve, probably piecing together that he was within earshot and must have heard at least little of their conversation. His look of discomfort makes Steve feel a twisted sort of guilt, a bit of that weird jealousy pricks at the edges of it, clearly this meant that whatever he’d been talking about with Robin he hadn’t wanted Steve to hear.
__
Steve gets into the driver’s side of the car as Eddie drives away in his van, once Robin slides into the passenger seat, he turns to her expectantly. She doesn’t say anything.
“Hello? What was all that about?” Steve asks a bit too intensely, his frustrations seeping into his words.
Robin turns to him, a little startled,
“Oh,” she seems to debate whether or not to actually answer for a second before diving into a long rambling explanation,
“I uh- I offered to let him sleep at mine for a while, I just- he came in to return some tapes and he mentioned that he was having trouble sleeping, that he couldn’t sleep in his trailer after Chrissy and — I don’t know I just I thought it would help, I mean I slept over at yours a lot after Starcourt and it helped, you really helped and I just- I didn’t want him to feel like there was no one there for him y’know?”
Steve feels something twist in his stomach, the thought of Eddie up all night in his trailer unable to fall asleep, he should have known, he should have helped. That’s his whole thing wasn’t it? He helped the kids, he helped Robin, he tried to help Nancy.
“Is he okay? I mean do you think he’s okay?”
Steve asks, trying to keep his eyes on the road as he speaks.
“I mean he seems better?” Robin offers.
“I dunno, he was doing pretty bad when I saw him, said he hadn’t slept in two days and had been mostly just living in his van so…” she trails off.
“Shit…” Steve breaths, he hadn’t been expecting it to be that bad, “you think I should do anything?”
“What do you mean?” she questions
“I- well I don’t know, like…talk to him? Or something…” that instinct to get involved, make himself useful for once clouds his brain as it so often does. Like an itch he can’t scratch, it makes him feel all jittery like he’s pumped up on caffeine. The fact that it’s Eddie makes it worse too, he always got the impression that he didn’t like him. Which is stupid of Eddie, of course but it irritates him anyway, especially since he’s hanging out with Robin now.
Robin shrugs and opens her mouth to speak but Steve keeps talking.
“I dunno, it’s probably not a good idea. I kinda feel like he hates me sometimes yknow?”
He doesn’t give her time to answer,
“I mean he’s always hanging out with Dustin and the kids and whenever I show up he acts like I’m not even there! Like the other day right? I picked Dustin up from school after his hellfire- whatever thing ‘cus his mom was working late and Eddie was there, so I go to say hi to him and as soon as he sees me he just turns around and starts walking away! I mean who does that?! Its just like…bad manners…” Steve rambles, gesturing wildly with his right hand, once again not giving Robin time to answer.
“And now he’s like best friends with you somehow but I’ve never once seen him in the video store but he came in when you just so happened to have a shift without me, I mean that’s something right? I didn’t expect to be his best friend or whatever I just- well we all almost died together and he gets along fine with you and Nancy and all the others but it’s like he doesn’t even wanna look at me. I mean what’s with that?!” Steve finishes, sighing and letting his hand rest back on the steering wheel.
And that’s when Robin starts laughing, like actually giggling, Steve feels his cheeks flush from embarrassment.
“What?!” He whines, frustrated.
“It’s just- it’s just funny,” Robin breathes, “you’re like, really hung up on this.”
Steve’s face heats up even more.
“Wh- I jus-“ he splutters but Robin cuts him off again.
“Are you jealous of Dustin and me being friends with Eddie? Or are you this desperate to finally be friends with a guy your age?” She asks, smirking
“No..! No, I just- I don’t know why he’s got such a problem with me it’s- it’s annoying is all.” Steve replies, staring at the road.
“Mmm I think you’re jealous,” Robin grins back. He hates that she’s right.
“Steve I promise you’re Dustin’s favorite 20-year-old babysitter friend.” She says with sarcastic sincerity, “And you’re my favorite best friend that I nearly died with.” Robin adds, turning to put her hands on Steve’s shoulder and staring at him with mock puppy dog eyes.
“Yeah yeah whatever”, he grumbles, pushing her away softly.
“Seriously though, I don’t think he actually hates you Steve, he’s just a weird guy, don’t worry too much about it”.
__
‘Don’t worry too much about it’ Steve thinks as he busies himself at the counter, as much as he hates to admit it, he is worrying about it, he quite literally can’t stop thinking about it.
He’s come to the conclusion that he must have messed up in some way since spring break. Eddie got along fine with him when they were in an entirely different dimension, he even seemed to like Steve. But it’s as if right after the metaphorical dust had settled Eddie had wanted nothing to do with him.
The worst part is that he really didn’t want to care so much, he’s worried that this was getting a little obsessive even, this weird guy who he’s barely even spoken to in high school had been in the back of his thoughts since he had threatened him with a broken beer bottle.
The rest of the shift goes by agonizingly slowly, Steve’s feet aching from having to stand around the whole time. He just can’t shake the jittery feeling. It’s strange that Robin has no clue what he’s thinking, usually she can read him like a book but today he feels distant.
“It’s your turn to get lunch.” He says,, partly because he finds it funny to watch her roll her eyes every time, but mostly because he needs a second alone to breathe.
“Yeah, yeah,” she groans, rolling her eyes.
Steve slumps onto the couch in the break room and sighs, lets himself lie there, tries to relax.
His brain is loud, that’s the only way to describe it. All these thoughts clanging about in his skull, rattling and banging together. His incessant need to be liked and to prove himself. Not just as a person but as something useful. His father had always called him useless. He’s failed as a son, he’d definitely failed at being a boyfriend. If he fails to be a good friend then what else does he have other than being a fucking babysitter?
He needs to think practically. He needs to prove himself to Eddie, impress him somehow, which sucks because it’s Eddie. He likes metal and DND and he deals drugs and has really shut track record for getting along with jocks. Steve’s not exactly appealing to the type of person Eddie is.
It pisses him off, how inferior it makes him feel, how much he feels the need to be liked by him.
It’s a strange sort of want, desperate and irritating in it’s persistence to stay on his mind. He hasn’t felt this way about anyone in a long time. And that’s the crux of it all, he knows this feeling, but he doesn’t want to, won’t confront it.
His brain is too loud. He begins to flick through channels on the TV, crackly and metallic, he tries to drown out all the buried thoughts clinking around his head.
He lands on MTV, the glowing letters catch his eye ‘Metallica’ it says on the bottom of the screen and he just thinks, Eddie likes Metallica. It’s stupid. He wants to turn it off but he lets it play, thinking maybe if he likes the song he can bring it up next time Eddie’s around and impress him and if he doesn’t he can silently silently judge Eddie and feel better about himself.
The video is some sort of interview spliced with music video clips, he watches for a while and finds that doesn’t hate their music. Its not really his thing per say, but he gets why Eddie likes it.
He doesn’t pay much attention to the interview portions, he tries to remember the names of the members as they appear on the screen but it’s honestly kind of boring.
He’s thoroughly zoned out by the time the interview focuses on one of the guitarists and Steve’s attention is grabbed again. He doesn’t catch the name because well, he’s too busy looking at him. He’s got something about him that draws Steve in, some sort of charm. Not in the “I want to be like him” way, Steve has no interest in curling his hair or starting a metal band. It’s like picking a scab, looking at him.
He’s not dumb enough to miss that this guy definitely looks like Eddie, especially when it cuts to him on stage and his hair flying everywhere, obscuring his face, that could be Eddie up there. He suddenly gets dizzy at the thought. He turns the TV off.
It all begins to slot into place with terrifying ease.
In 3rd grade English when he asked the boy with brown eyes for a pencil just so he could feel his fingers brush against his.
The twisting shameful feelings he felt in his stomach seeing all the other guys in the locker room for the first time after he hit puberty.
Eddie pushing him against a wall in Reefer Rick’s boat shed.
Eddie saying he still had a shot with Nancy while Steve couldn’t take his eyes off his lips.
Leaving Robin’s house this morning, getting dizzy when Eddie’s shoulder brushed past him
Right as the realization hits the door swings open.
“There were no sandwiches with bacon left at the— uh… Steve?” He slowly turns to face her, his eyes wide, and his breathing heavy.
“Robin.” He pants. “What if I’m…gay?” Robin’s eyebrows shoot and for a second she looks like she’s about to laugh at him but she doesn’t, she slowly moves to sit next to him on the couch.
“Or— or something like that” he adds
“God I don’t know- I don’t know what’s going on” he breathes, his sweaty palms tangling in his hair.
“Hey hey, Steve,” Robin starts, she places a hand on his shoulder, he relaxes slightly.
“Just… tell me what you’re thinking.” He nods and turns towards her.
“I just- I don’t know, what if I’ve somehow been lying to myself my whole life?”
“I mean- I-“ he sighs.
“I’ve been realizing some stuff and I think this whole time I’ve… felt things towards guys but I just… I don’t know— And I would- I mean with a guy— maybe I’d want to— but I know I like girls, I was in love with a girl but what if I’m wrong somehow and I’ve just been lying to myself?” He rambles, tripping over his words in his rush to get it all out.
“Because, I mean you can’t have both-“ he stops and turns to Robin wide-eyed, “you can’t like both at the same time can you?” He asks in that way he does when he knows he’s wrong but the thought is so shocking that he just has to double-check.
“Steve,” Robin smiles at him softly “of you course you can like both.” Steve looks at her, dumbfounded.
“But, you don’t like both, lesbians don’t like guys too- oh my god this is a lot. There’s a lot I don’t know.”
Robin smiles at him amused but kind, “Steve, were you seriously freaking out in here because you didn’t know what bisexuality was?” She giggles.
“Ugh! You know I don’t know that shit, Robin I barely passed Ms Kelsey’s lit class!” He whines dramatically.
“Okay, okay, it’s like ummm, it’s like Bowie! Or- or Freddie Mercury!”
Steve just stares.
“Ok so like, both of them have had girlfriends before and both of them like women right?”
Apparently the question is rhetorical because she keeps talking before Steve can answer.
“But both of them have been with men before too, they’re into men and women.”
Robin continues when he doesn’t say anything.
“It’s okay if you’re like that too Steve, you can do that y’know, it’s not just for rockstars.”
She nudges his shoulder. He sighs and flops backwards onto the couch so that his head is resting on Robin’s lap,
“I can’t believe I didn’t know that.” He breathes,
“I can,” Robin smirks, Steve whacks her arm above him playfully.
“I mean, do you think you are? Bisexual that is?” She asks. He lies there for a second staring at the ceiling,
“I mean…yeah, yeah I think so, maybe,” his breath hitches slightly as he breathes out.
“Wow” Steve laughs lightly,
“Yeah, wow.” Robin repeats, raising her eyebrows at him and smiling.
“So… uhh” she begins after a beat of silence, “what made you start…thinking about all this?” Robin asks as she absentmindedly plays with his hair, braiding it messily as if he were a doll.
Steve feels his cheeks warm at the question, unsure of how much to say just yet and feeling strangely embarrassed about the whole thing.
“I just kinda started… remembering some stuff, like this one time, back in around 4th grade I was at this kid, Mark Milford’s house, remember him?”
Robin nods, “anyway it was some kind of party or something, we were all by the pool and his dad was grilling dot dogs. He said something about how he thought our history teacher, Mr Benson was a… fag,” he cringes at the word as he says it, “back then I only kind of knew what it meant so I didn’t really think too much about it.”
“Anyway his wife got all pissed at him and said something about how, even if he was a… y’know, that’s his choice and we shouldn’t judge.”
“So for a long time after that I kinda just thought that everyone liked girls and guys but you had to choose one of them and if you were gay about it then it was like… the wrong choice and people got mad at you for it. I dunno, it’s dumb.” He laughs awkwardly
“It’s not dumb I mean, it kinda makes sense.” Robin says.
“Y’know when I was a kid I used to think that being gay was temporary, kinda like a cold, or like playing tag. You catch it from someone, you have it for a while and then you pass onto someone else.”
“Okay now that is dumb” Steve laughs at and Robin whacks him on the stomach.
“I feel kind of…” he sighs, “scared? Is that stupid? I mean I think I’ve been scared of it for a long time, being… bisexual I mean. ” Steve says testing out how the word feels on his tongue, there’s an odd comfort in it that mixes with that fear, swirling around and creating something new.
“It’s not stupid, it is scary, really scary at first. Sometimes I still feel afraid of it.”
“For so long I couldn’t even say the word lesbian, it just felt so secret and so dangerous. Once when I was 13 I stayed up, late at night, when I knew everyone was asleep and I whispered it to myself and…I was still scared but, it was something else too and that something else felt good and it felt like me.” Robin says.
“It’s always gonna be scary, at least a little, but it doesn’t have to be bad, I was terrified when I told you and now look at us.” She laughs, flicking him on the forehead.
“Yeah, now look at us,” Steve replies looking up at her and smiling. It’s in that moment, lying there with Robin, that it really sets in.
It’s big and it’s overwhelming but it’s him. And that realization brings him a contentment that lying to himself could never achieve.
Memories of him a pending days pushing it down only to end up lying awake at night, his mind racing with excuses and explanations.
Posters of beautiful women plastered all over his walls for reassurance as much as decoration, half pleasure half pain.
Calmness settles itself in his bones, not too dissimilar to the relief that courses through your body after running a race.
“You know I love you right?” Steve says, breaking the comfortable silence.
“Ew” Robin smiles, pulling a face at him.
“No I mean it, it’s like—“ he sits up, faces her, “like you helped me become me.”
“Okaaay, I think we’re getting a bit too introspective today,” Robin deadpans.
“Shut up,” he laughs, nudging her, he thinks back to his conversation with Nancy in the upside-down, how he was grateful she broke up with him because it pushed him to be better and he thinks Robin kind of did the same thing.
“I do mean it, Robbin-“ she rolls her eyes, “if I hadn’t met you I think I’d be all kinds of fucked up.”
Robin softens at that, sighs,
“Yeaaah me too.”
“Not just because of the Starcourt stuff though, I mean obviously that, but I just-
I never had a friend like you, someone who actually gets me y’know? I don’t know, I’m just glad I met you and like, you make me a better person, I learn a lot from you, like probably more than anyone.”
“Don’t let that go to your head.” He adds.
Steve’s never one to say how he feels, he’s more of a physical guy, all hugs and helping hands. But when it comes down to it, as simple and straightforward as he is, he usually knows what to say.
She smiles, half amused and half touched by what he’s said.
“I’m glad I met you too, you sap.” She leans into him, shoulder to shoulder.
“I probably would have been a massive loner at a fancy soul-sucking college if I never met you.”
He laughs,
“That doesn’t sound too bad, I probably would have ended up working for my dad and having a mental break before I turned 20 if it weren’t for you.”
“God, you’d probably have grey hairs already,” she giggles, “I bet you’d get soooo many dates with old ladies.”
“Hey! Don’t diss old ladies, they’d probably be great during winter time, you’d get like free scarves and sweaters and shit.”
“Oh my god!” Robin cackles, “What like they’re seasonal?”
“Yeah exactly!” Steve laughs, “Everyone knows in the summer you go for rich dads ‘cus they have the AC and grill.”
“Oh my god, I’m so not looking forward to your dating pool doubling.”
He wiggles his eyebrows at her,
“C’mooon, only letting the ladies try a little Harrington? Well that’s just cruel.”
Robin snorts, pushes him on the shoulder,
“I hate talking to you.” She manages out between giggles.
Steve just laughs.
There’s a familiar feeling to this, like when Robin came out to him and they laughed about Tammy Thompson, now it’s Steve’s turn and they’re laughing about… him? He doesn’t really know, but he loves it anyway, loves her too.