Valentine's Day

Brian Laborn/ Grue
February 4th, 2013

The scream in my throat turns into a cough as I sit up, the blankets pool around my waist and my chest hurts like I can’t breath. I slam my fist into the center of my chest and finally, the cough forces itself out as I start to heave.

I look down at my hands and I squint but I can’t tell if they’re bloody or not, it’s too damn dark in here, dark in the wrong way, dark like dark used to be. I close my eyes tight and try my best to focus on what Lisa told to focus on, five things I can feel, the air, my boxers, the sheets, my hair, the… the– fuck, I can’t— my hands! I can feel my hands.

Okay, four things I can hear, the air conditioner under the window, Rachel snoring, Lisa snoring even louder, Taylor’s much softer breathing and my own heartbeat.

I can’t remember the next thing, name three… it’s probably smells right? That has to be it, three things I can sme— no wait, I have it backwards I think, it wasn’t five things I can feel, it’s five things I can see. No, that doesn’t fucking matter, I’m better now, I'm calm, I can open my eyes I can… I can…

Even with the darkness, I can tell that my hands are shaking and they keep doing that even when I close them into fists. That nightmare flashes in my head again and I force myself to put out just the smallest amount of power through my skin.

Immediately, I can make it out, to everyone else it’s a black smog that swallows the light but to me it’s a monochrome cloud and even without light touching it, I can make out my hands clear as day.

There’s no blood, I didn’t do it, I didn’t kill him. He’s… he’s alright, he’s okay.

No he isn’t

The thought bites at the back of my brain and I close my eyes as tight as I can to keep the thoughts away. All I end up doing is giving my brain a curtain to play the nightmare again.

In the dream, I didn’t strangle him, or at least, I didn’t stop there.

I shove the heels of my palms up into my eyes and I try to play that stupid game again, five things I can see but all my brain can give me are the things I saw. The blue of Alec’s eyes, the red of his blood leaking out of his mouth, the purple bruises I left on his neck, the black of his hair, and white of his teeth as he begged me to stop.

I know it isn’t real, I know I didn’t do it but in the dream, I could swear I felt the moment his life left his body, the instant he stopped being him and just became a warm puppet of meat. I killed him in cold blood and then… then she came, that monster that pretends to be a little girl.

She skipped over to me, the scalpels and cleavers and saws hanging around her waist were clinking together as she put her hands behind her back. She swayed in place and flashed that fucking awful smile that looks too real and she asked me if I was done with him, if she could have what was left.

And I tried to back away, I tried to take him with me but the world had changed, I wasn’t on the pier anymore, I was locked in a shipping container, with Alec and I on one side of it and Heartbreaker and… her on the other side.

I lift my palms up and the shadow spreads over my skin and even seeing that it’s still the same, that I’m still me doesn;t change what she said.

She laughed at me and asked if I could be a good pet and bring her the new toy. And when I looked down, I saw that the black on my arms wasn’t my costume, it was my skin, turned leathery and cracked. When I looked up them, I saw that my bones had been shifted and replaced, my arms were too long and folds of skin connected them to my waist.

I couldn’t feel my face because it was gone and in its place was nothing but dry bone and even that was warped to fit her art. I had become a monster and all it took was killing him, was killing Alec and I—

Something rises up my throat and I bolt for the bathroom, covers thrown off of me and my feet skidding as the room’s floor goes from matted carpeting to smooth linoleum.

On instinct, I flick on the lights and then fall to my knees as I throw up into the toilet. Most of last night’s dinner has been digested but that just makes my throat burn as I heave out the traces of stomach acid. The burns hurt but they also wake me up a bit more and with the light coming through my eyes, I can almost pretend that the nightmare ended there.

That she didn’t strap us down, that Heartbreaker didn’t force our minds together as Bonesaw sewed Alec’s face on to the back of my head. She said it was the best for both of us, Alec would never be alone again and I would stop hating him.

But she didn’t make us one, she just sewed bits of him on me or maybe she sewed bits of me on him but all I know is that it hurt and I could feel the nerves in our body start to spell something when I caught sight of ourself.

I can’t describe the mess of viscera in any way that matters and I heave again into the toilet, my breath coming out short and rapid as I lean against the wall. There’s sweat coming down my brow but when I reach up to wipe it away, I feel a cool hand land on my shoulder.

Immediately, I bolt to the side and scramble on my hands and feet until my back is flat against the wall of the shower, my eyes are wide and I can feel the dark inside of me begging to be let out and—

It’s Rachel.

She’s looking down at me and her eyes, her beautiful hazel eyes are full of concern as she steps back just a little bit, both hands up as she speaks.

“It’s okay,” she says, voice soft like when she speaks to her dogs. “It’s just us, we’re not gonna hurt you. You’re okay.”

Her words don’t calm me down and I can feel my jaw click closed as I look over her shoulder to the other two girls in the doorway.

Lisa and Taylor stand there, leaning up against each other and the doorway, both ragged with sleep but still willing to get up just for me. Shame starts to build in my chest and taking a deep breath only gives it more room to fill out before I speak.

“It’s okay,” I tell them, my voice coming out just as shaky as I feel. “It’s fine… just a… just a nightmare is all.”

“Do you—” Lisa pauses just enough to yawn behind her lips, “do you want to talk about it?”

I shake my head and bring a hand up to pop the knuckles on. Talking about it is the last thing I want to do, I’d rather just have it fall away instead. With my index and middle fingers cracked, I look up at Lisa and wince as she tilts her head, she’s never been one to let sleeping dogs lie and if I don’t give her something— something real— to rip apart, she’s going to keep asking questions.

“Okay,” she replies and after maybe a beat, she gestures back to the motel room with a jerk of her head. “Do you want to sleep with us then?”

Her question brings me up short, I was expecting a lot of other questions, little probes and jabs to get at my mind but the offer wasn’t even the last thing I thought of. And that in and of itself is… well, it’s a bit strange. Sure, the four of us have slept together before but that’s different

Before Alec was taken from us, before our minds got… warped, it was almost a weekly occurrence and even after he was gone, it still happened maybe every other month. But those times were different, they’re for things like Reggie’s birthday or when one of Rachel’s foster siblings comes to the Bay, they’re for the really bad times.

And at the end of it all, those times are for the girls, they’re not supposed to— they’ve never been about me before.

“Please?” Taylor asks, “It’ll make us feel better.”

I snort at Taylor’s reasoning, she might be able to lie boldly to the PRT, Guild, and Protectorate but she’s never been good at even bending the truth to us. At least, not since Leviathan anyway.

But still, even knowing that I’m being played, I nod and accept Rachel’s hand up. It’s just a few steps to the bed after that and the four of us all do our best to squeeze onto it, the springs inside coil and groan under our weight and Lisa speaks up as she wraps the covers around us.

“Okay, Taylor, be honest with me, are there any bed bugs here?”

I hadn’t even thought of that and I’m usually a bit better when it comes to remembering shit like that.

“Um…” Taylor snuggles closer into my side and answers against my neck, “Do you mean here as in this bed or the motel?”

“Just answer the question.”

There’s a very long pause and afterwards, Taylor mumbles a reply into my skin.

“Um… not anymore.”

The little pause and even littler answer gets a few chuckles from us, Rachel and I providing the bass and Lisa and Taylor providing their alto. The little moment of levity is almost immediately swallowed up by the atmosphere though. The laugh is taken away as we all move just a bit closer to each other, to the point that Taylor climbs up onto my chest and Rachel and Lisa close the flanks on either side of me, their arms over the small of Taylor’s back.

We lay there for maybe ten minutes then, no words passing between us and sleep still a ways off from coming back. I’m sure the reason for them is the same for me, there’s too many damn questions running through my mind.

What exactly are we going to do tomorrow? When will we start hiking through the wilderness? Even with the dogs and Atlas, how long will that take? When we do get there, how long should we stake it out? Will we even be able to do that, knowing that Alec is in there?

So many fucking questions, and none of them feel answerable.

Something comes to me then and when I clear my throat to speak, even I’m surprised by what comes out.

“Do you remember last Halloween? I mean, the one before the last one?”

The girls in my arms stir a little bit, each raising their head to listen and as is usual, Lisa’s the one that speaks up first.

“I remember that,” she confirms, “We dressed up like the inaugural Wards, Alec was Mouse Protector.”

I snort at the memory, he was so damn into it that year, making puns about cheese and crackers and cats and I’m sure that if the original Mouse Protector was still around, she’d have loved to know the memory of her lived on that night.

“We got so fucking drunk,” Rachel points out and Lisa groans on my other side, her forehead pressed against my shoulder.

“I swear, if any of you mention the jello shots, you’re dead to me.” The sentence barely ends before we’re all laughing again, this time it isn’t a chuckle or a giggle but actual laughter. Lisa’s always been so proud of herself, always having a handle on every situation and most of the time, that pride is well earned but that night, she could not have been more wrong. Lisa sputters on my side and protests despite us, “I didn’t know it was alcoholic okay? They weren’t by the drinks, they were by the snacks, anyone could have made that mistake!”

“I didn’t even make that mistake!” Taylor replies through peels of laughter, her chest racked with it as I rub her head. “And I think I would’ve figured it out after one, you had like, ten.”

“Okay, first of all—” Lisa leans up on one elbow as she addresses us and even without any light, I know her face must be a nuclear red. “It wasn’t ten, I’m not a lightweight like you, it was twenty give or take.”

“That doesn’t make it better,” I tell her , my arm snaking under her and pulling her back down to lay with us. “If anything, I think that makes it worse.”

“I’m so happy I don’t remember that night,” she says and then turns her head to bury itself against my chest. After a moment, she raises her hand up in a ‘go on’ gesture that gets a few more snorts from Rachel, Taylor, and I.

“Well… I…” I pause for just a second and decide, fuck it. “I actually do remember that night, I remember it pretty well actually.”

“Wait,” Rachel leans up, setting her chin on my other shoulder and tilting her head at me. “You said you didn’t remember any of it, you—”

“I know,” I interrupt and pull my arm away from Taylor to reach up and scratch at the back of Rachel’s head. “I said that because, at the time, well I was pretty embarrassed about it. But I remember most of it, though, the part that’s most clear is uh…” I gulp, “the part where Alec kissed me.”

The room was already quiet before but after I said that, it somehow got dead silent, with everyone, even me, holding their breath. 

“Well, it’s actually the part where we kissed each other,” I clarify and then the silence turns into a trio of sharp gasps, all the girls now looking up at me with wide eyes, the dim light serving just enough that I can pick out their individual green, brown, and hazel gazes. Their attention makes a blush rise up my neck and I look away from them and up to the yellowed ceiling.

Even with the embarrassment, I can’t wipe my smile away as the memory replays.

Brian Laborn/ Grue
October 31st, 2011

The costume I’m wearing is too damned bulky and it almost makes me wish I’d gone for the cheaper morph suit than the expensive cosplay Lisa got me to buy. It’s good work I suppose, the metal edges are sturdy enough that on first feel, some people might actually think I’m wearing a suit of armor.

And while that was kinda cool for the first hour or so, I really want to just take it off. Every time someone bumps into me I nearly fall over and every time I want to take a drink, I have to keep one hand on the damn knight visor.And the fact that all my friends have more practical costumes on just makes me more annoyed.

That said, I don’t think I have that much right to be grouchy, Dean— damnit, Diane has thrown a great party. Most of the people here might go to Arcadia but there’s enough booze to go around that no one really cares where you go to, or even if you go to school.

I slam my shot down on the counter and turn around to lean against the bar.

The Stansfield manor is… to be honest, I think it’s a bit much. Granted, that might just be because I’ve never been in a house that has the same square footage as a highschool. There’s got to be close to twoish dozen bedrooms, about half as many bathrooms, an indoor and an outdoor pool, and of course, the place I and most people are lounging in, a bar.

I look up to the ceiling and I can’t help but laugh.

There they are, Victoria Dallon and her old/new girlfriend Diane, dancing on the ceiling like no one’s watching them. Thankfully, the extravagance of Diane’s dress keeps the angle from being too indecent, that said, the PDA is a bit nauseating. But then again, after the year they’ve had, I think they deserve to be a little gross.

The party is in full swing, the music sucks but I think I’m the only person here that thinks that. Everyone else is dancing and I can’t tell if the bad swaying is just because the room is so packed or because we’re all just that drunk.

Staring out at the party makes me feel dizzy and I’m just about to turn back to the bar when someone walks over to me, wearing similarly professional looking armor. The only difference though is that while mine would look good in a medieval movie, theirs is a bit offset by the mouse ears welded on top of the helmet.

“Chevalier!” Alec says, a drunken swagger in his steps as he leans on the counter with me. “It’s been ages but I’m cheesed to meet you.”

Normally, I’d either roll my eyes or groan whenever Alec makes a joke that bad but right now, I’m too buzzed to pretend I don’t find it funny. A chuckle climbs up my throat and as I rest my head in one hand, I raise the other up to signal for two more shots.

I can hear the bartender start preparing my order and for some reason, the fact that Diane was able to actually hire a bartender for something this dumb strikes me as ridiculously funny. The chuckle turns into an outright laugh and even though he doesn’t do it often, Alec starts to cackle with me as he leans on my side.

“Don’t worry about the price Bri,” he slurs and I can just about smell the tequila on his breath as the bartender slides us the shots. “It’s on the Mouse!”

For some reason, that gets me in hysterics and I almost choke on the vodka when I breath in the wrong way. The laugh comes through the cough and I pound at my own chest while Alec pats at my back. After maybe a minute of catching my breath, I turn to look at him, about to say that that joke wasn’t funny when I actually get a good look at him.

His outfit is one of the best ones here, while most party goers have shit bought at a Halloween store or at most, bought off Ebay or something, Alec actually looks like he could be the hero he’s dressed as.

The armor is a dark gray through and through and even with the shorter than necessary skirt, the mix of plate and chainmail makes it look damn near like actual armor. But again, the image is a bit ruined by the mousy tail coming down his back and the ears welded on the helmet. There’s some other mousy features as well of course, like the metal teeth that sit just under his nose and the bits of his shield that look like they’ve been gnawed off by said teeth but most of that can be ignored.

Maybe the tail and ears could be too but not when he’s saying his jokes so much.

My eyes rake over him and it strikes me just how well his armor fits him, hugging him right around his waist and bulging just enough at the chest plate to make his figure more feminine than it already is. When you take that, the blue eyes looking at me with a half lidded drunken smile, and the jokes, it really makes him—

“You look so damn cute tonight,” I don’t know where the words are coming from and right now, I don’t care. The vodka is weighing down my voice in a way that feels right and I can’t help but chuckle a little as I take in his expression. I can’t see much of it under that big helmet of his but I can see that his eyes widen and his neck turns red with a fucking cute blush.

“I— uh—” he swallows and again, I can’t look away from how his throat bobs as he steps back, his voice a little shakier than his usual monotone. “Okay big guy, you’re a bit drunker than I thought, why don’t we—”

“So cute,” I cut him off and step forward and that’s when I realize just how small he is compared to me. I mean, I know I’m pretty tall, but it’s not just that. Alec is short and small and delicate and the sound he makes as my hands find his waist is something I really hope I don’t forget. “Y’know that, don’t you? Those jokes, those eyes, you’re just…” I squeeze his waist and though I don’t like that there’s two layers of metal between my fingertips and his hips, I like that I’m rewarded with another squeak. “So damn adorable.”

He’s about to say something I think when there’s a slam on the counter to my left. The bartender is looking at us, a wry smile on his face and two tall bottles in his hands, both mostly full.

“Hey guys,” he greets, “While I know everyone celebrates the Empire falling in their own ways, can you do it where you aren’t blocking the bar?”

I know he can’t see my eyes under this fucking thing but I glare at him anyway as I reach for the bottle.

“Alright,” my other hand finds Alec’s own and when he grabs the other bottle, I start tugging him away. “We can do that.”

I honestly don’t know where I’m heading and I don’t really care either.

I bring the bottle up to my lips and when I find the thing still has a cap on, I bite down on it with my teeth and twist until the thing comes off. The cap falls to the floor below, kicked away by my… sabatons I think they’re called. I don’t look for it, the party only started two hours ago and I doubt this bottle will survive the rest of the night.

The vodka burns my throat a little and I nearly spill it when Alec starts tugging me away from the other dancers and out into some hallway. Of course, it’s just as packed as any other room in the house, but at least out here I don’t need to shout to be heard.

“Where’re we going?” I ask, almost tripping over some guy dressed like a cardboard Armsmaster.

“Someplace quieter,” Alec tells me and when he turns his head back to look at me, all I can see is the red still on his neck. I want to make that place redder, I want to make him make those noises again, I want to see what his skin might taste like.

A part of me tries to shout in the back of my head, a part of me that says I shouldn’t think like that. I drown it with another gulp of vodka and smile when I feel Alec’s gauntleted hand squeeze mine.

It’s a bit of a longer walk than I wanted it to be and by the time we do get wherever Alec wants to go, my bottle’s almost a third gone and thoughts feel slippery. I look around and I can see that this hallway is almost completely empty, with just one guy slumped against the wall and dressed like me. Like me me I mean, not Chevalier but Grue.

I’ve almost got the bottle to my lips again when Alec pulls me inside of some bedroom, the door shutting closed behind us as I stumble. Thankfully, I don’t end up on the floor. Given how heavy this armor is, I don’t think I would’ve gotten up on my own.

Instead I land on top of a bed, the thick duvet barely even bouncing as I land on my stomach. I try to roll over, but like a turtle, it isn't as easy as it should be.

My armor clanks against itself and some of the vodka spills out of the bottle but eventually, I manage to roll onto my back. The ceiling spins a bit and even dimmed by the slots in my visor, the light in here is enough to make my eyes sting.

I groan, lifting my arm up to block it and wincing when the contact makes a ringing noise vibrate inside my helmet.

And then, with a click, the light is turned off.

"Alec?" I ask, sitting up and doing my best to put down the dizzying nausea. The room is pitch black, Dean's— son of a bitch— Diane's house is so big that some of the bedrooms are built on the inside, without windows. Turning my head I speak up as I try to spot him "where'd you—"

There's another click and this time, when the light enters the room, it's dim enough that my eyes don't hurt.

Alec is on my left, his hand falling from a tall lamp and then rising up to grasp at his helmet. His other hand unclasps something on the back and with the sound of tinkling chainmail, his helmet comes off.

The warm light makes his features pop in a way that slows my eyes. His black curls are more wild than ever, the helmet having done its best to make bedhead.

His elegant nose is pink along the middle, making a bridge between the flush on each cheek and that's when I notice he's breathing heavy, almost panting as his blue eyes lock with mine.

The blacks of them are wide, each pupil dilated as his throat bobs with another gulp. His chin turns down and his eyes look away and I realize just how shy he's acting.

Now that I see that, it's all I can see. His helmet drops to the floor and he uses the now free hand to grab at his opposite elbow, his feet shuffling in place as the silence drags on.

And then, the atmosphere turns, the silence becoming heavy with something that makes my mouth dry. I reach up to take my helmet off and sigh in relief as the cool air hits my face.

I barely have a moment to enjoy that feeling before Alec steps closer to me, our knees almost touching when I decide to do something crazy. I spread my legs just a little bit and when my hands move up to grab at his waist, he almost falls into me as our lips crash together. He makes that squeak again and I can feel my lips curl up into a smile as I lean back.

Alec takes my movement for the invitation it is and adjusts himself to sit on my lap, his hands on my shoulders and my own migrating up to the center of his back. His lips are decadently soft and full but when my tongue swipes over them, he shudders back.

“We…” he gulps again and that’s when I notice the sheen on his lips and the taste of something sweet and fruity on my tongue. Was he always wearing lip gloss? “We shouldn’t do this…” he pushes away from me more, one of his feet landing on the hardwood with a metallic clunk. “Maybe when we’re both sober but I—”

“I’m sober enough,” I cut him off and pull him close again, our chest plates clinking together as a fire starts to warm my stomach. “I want… I want to kiss you, I want—”

“I…” Alec sighs and the smile he flashes me makes everything alright, “Okay, but just kissing alright? I don’t think I can get out of this thing right now.”

I hum an agreement and this time when I lean forward, Alec lifts his chin up and pushes his neck against my lips. He makes a noise that sounds like an ‘oops’ but before he can do anything to fix his mistake, I kiss right on his pulse and close my eyes to soak in the tight moan he releases.

I don’t know how long we spend like that, kissing each other’s lips and necks, all I know is that at some point, I either drank enough that the rest of the night became a blur or I had just fallen asleep right there, my arms wrapped around Alec.

Brian Laborn/Grue

February 4th, 2013

"...we didn't talk about it in the morning… we didn't talk about it ever actually but I think he remembers it." I sigh and do my best to sink into the arms wrapped around me. 

There's some shifting on either side of me, both Lisa and Rachel are staring up with searching eyes. 

"Why didn't you talk about it?" Rachel asks, her voice groggy with exhaustion. "Sounds like you liked it, if he did too, then why didn't you—"

"Same reason I didn't talk to him either," Taylor interrupts Rachel and when we all turn our gaze to look at her, the brown eyed girl turns her face back to my chest. "Alec and I… might've done something like that too."

"The lip gloss!" Lisa speaks up, lifting herself up a little as she connects the dots. "That's what I tast—" her jaw shuts closed with a snap and she sinks back down as she clears her throat. "I mean, that's why he had it."

There's a beat of silence, Taylor, Rachel, and I are a little starstruck by what we just heard. Lisa Wilbourn, Tattletale, the Thinker who got under Jack Slash's skin, just made one of the worst lies I've ever heard.

"What do you mean 'what you tasted?'" Taylor asks, tilting her head at Lisa and squinting studiously.

“I never said that,” Lisa denies, turning in my arms and facing away from us. “I—”

“You did,” Rachel protests, reaching over Taylor to grab at Lisa’s hip. “You kissed him too, didn’t you?”

Lisa’s posture tightens a bit and then after a second, she straightens up, I can almost see the lightbulb flashing over her head as she turns around, pointing a finger Rachel’s way.

“Wait, you—” she turns her eyes towards me, “did we all—” she stops and works her jaw for a moment, mumbling something under her breath as Rachel’s hand rises up to her scalp, her muscular fingers running through Lisa’s blond locks as she speaks.

“Yeah,” Rachel confirms, “I kissed him pretty early on, got way too fucked up way too early to remember most but I remember that.”

There’s the beginnings of a timeline forming in my head, I know Alec wasn’t wearing lip gloss at the start of the night, I know Rachel never does, and I know that Lisa wears green apple occasionally. Lining up who got kissed first isn’t easy and to be honest, I don’t need to.

All I need to know is that Alec kissed each of us, that that night, we were all allowed that and… damnit.

“We should’ve talked about it,” Taylor speaks my thoughts for me and I pull her just a little bit closer as she sighs. “I… we—” she clears her throat and the next few words have nothing to do with the last. “Do you remember when he used his power on Shadow Stalker?”

Her question brings the memory up and I nod. Of course I remember that, I remember using her to get into the PRT, we needed the data and though I didn’t like it at the time, Regent’s power was the only way we could get in.

I also remember what came after, I remember Shadow Stalker trying to shoot us and Regent stopping her, and a few days later, Lisa spilled the beans and told me that that was a trick, that Alec was performing that whole time.

And again, I remember not knowing how to feel about it. On the one hand, Shadow Stalker was a vicious bitch that tried to kill me on several occasions but on the other hand, can I really say that anyone deserves to be Mastered so completely?

The memory of her mask drops and in my mind’s eye, I see the girl beneath it, the one that caused the girl in my arms to trigger. The question is answered as I hold Taylor just a little bit tighter. Being Mastered like that is a horrible thing, but there’s exceptions.

“He never told me he did it,” Taylor elaborates. “What came after I mean. When she got transferred, I thought it was just because she was a security liability but when I didn’t see her pop up anywhere, I did some digging. The PRT disclosed it of course but they never did any news segments on it.”

“Of course they didn’t,” Lisa agrees, her voice snide and smug, “It wouldn’t exactly help their numbers if they made a big deal out of a Ward violating probation.”

“The stuff I found was pretty vague,” Taylor continues, only sparing a nod at Lisa. “It just said that she’d misused her powers in both her professional and civilian life, that she abused her authority as a hero, and that though she turned herself in, she still violated her parole and she was sent off to some Juvie down south.”

“And you knew she wouldn’t turn herself in, right?” I ask and Taylor hums as she snuggles in closer to me.

“Of course she wouldn’t, Sop—” she clears her throat, forgetting that while I might know her face, I don’t know the name attached to it. “Shadow Stalker never felt guilty for anything, to be honest, I don’t know if she can. Alec had to be the one that did it, nothing else makes sense.”

There’s a beat and something rough and tangled worms around in my chest as I stare up at the ceiling. Alec’s powers, the full extent of them, have always been a bit of a rough spot for her, for all of us. They’ve helped us get out of plenty of tough spots before but that doesn’t change that, fundamentally, Alec’s powers are… hard to place for most.

I’m about to weigh what they mean for me when Taylor speaks up again.

“Is it bad of me that I think it’s kind of cute?” Her question catches me off guard and my neck twinges a bit as I turn my head back down to her. She must catch the question I’m staring at her with and she elaborates, “It’s just… he’s normally so… reserved. And to have him do something like that, it’s… it’s nice to know I mean that much to him.”

“I get it,” Rachel agrees, shrugging when I turn my eyes to her. “He pretends he doesn’t give a shit, he makes jokes and stays quiet sometimes and it’s hard to tell what he’s thinking sometimes but he cares about us.”

“Yeah, but more than that. It’s… cute that he got so protective, I was already over what she did to me by then. Okay, well… not ‘over’ exactly but I really didn’t care what happened to her anymore. And he had to have known, I remember telling you guys not to take revenge and he… I didn’t like it at first, I remember being mad about it but then Aisha explained it to me.”

The mention of my sister gets me to tilt my head and I start running my hands through her long black tresses as she continues.

“He didn’t do it to spite me or anything like that, he did it because… he felt like he needed to. Aisha said that he told her he did it because he ‘knew’ I wouldn’t. He thought that was… well, she told me he thought it was stupid, that if Shadow Stalker could walk away from it without any real consequences then she’d just come back meaner and next time, she might’ve gotten lucky. He did it to protect me and… it makes me… feel warm if that makes any sense.”

“I know what you mean,” I reply, my head dropping back down to the pillow. “I felt the same way about it.”

“I…” Taylor’s legs shuffle in the web we’ve all made and she scoots a bit to hide her face again. “I don’t think you felt ‘exactly’ the same way I did.”

“What do you—”

“She kissed him,” Lisa explains, cutting off my question with an answer. “Right on the cheek I’m betting.”

Taylor’s silence speaks volumes and after a moment, Lisa speaks up, fighting back a yawn as she starts.

“It’s understandable, I mean, I haven’t done it myself… at least not when I’m sober. But I can understand wanting to kiss him, I almost did it myself, last Christmas… the last one we had with him.”

Sensing that it’s now Lisa’s turn to tell us a memory, the rest of us stay quiet as she lays it out.

“We were spending the night at his place and exchanging gifts and— oh, that reminds me” she sits up a little. “You guys really need to step down on your gift giving, I was way too surprised by the thought you all put into yours.”

My lips curl into a look of offense and I lift one hand up off the small of Taylor’s back to gesture at Lisa. What the hell does she mean by that? Taylor and Rachel are wearing matching expressions and under the weight of our gaze, Lisa responds with the same flippant air she always does when she thinks something’s obvious.

“What? I’m a Thinker, it’s practically law that I give better gifts than everyone else but you guys had to make me work for it.” She leans back down and rolls onto her back, haughtily staring at the ceiling. “Honestly, it’s a little insulting.”

“Are you saying our gifts were too good?” Taylor asks, a quiet annoyance in her voice. “I knitted those sweaters myself and—”

“Anyway,” Lisa cuts her off, smirking when Taylor swats at her shoulder. “Do you guys remember when I got him that easel?”

“Awwwww,” Taylor shuffles in place on top of me and brings both of her hands between herself and I as her voice rises an octave. “I remember that, he was so cute!”

“The what?” Rachel asks, leaning up like she can reach out and take the answer from Lisa.

“The thing he put canvases on,” I answer, “for painting.”

“Oh,” Rachel leans back, yawning. “He made a stupid joke when he was unwrapping it, asked if it was a model or something.”

“I think his exact words were ‘I hope it’s a blow up doll’ but close.” Lisa replies

“I still don’t get why you got him that,” Rachel shifts a bit on my side and snakes her arm underneath me. “I thought he already had one.”

“He did but it was plastic, like the ones you can get at any art store. The one I got him was wooden, the same kind artists have been using for forever.” Lisa smiles and the brief huff she gives sounds almost like a laugh as a wetness leaks into her voice. “He… he tried to play it off but… he was so happy when he unwrapped it, and not just my gift either, he loved all of yours too.”

“Doubt he would’ve if you hadn’t told me what to get him.” I reply, shaking my head a little. "The paint I got him was too easy a gift.”

“Oh hush,” Lisa pats at my chest, her fingers just barely brushing past Taylor’s ear. “He loved them and—” she reaches across me to pat at Rachel’s shoulder, getting her attention just as her eyes were starting to close. “And he loved the necklace just as much.”

“I should’ve gotten a bigger one,” Rachel mumbles, “the one I got him was too tight, choked his neck sometimes.”

Rachel’s words remind me of the necklace in question and I can’t help but cough as a sudden heat rises up my neck. It was a beautiful thing, even as a guy, I can say that. The thick black chain complimented his hair and blended in almost seamlessly with his curls in some spots and the sapphire droplet that hung off the middle had a gradient to it that both matched his eyes and made them look even deeper than they already were.

All that and like Rachel said… it was pretty tight. I gulp as a memory plays in my head, him asking me to put it on him in the early morning. It shouldn’t have meant anything, he’d helped me get my helmet on sometimes and it should’ve just been something like that.

But it wasn’t… it really wasn’t. Getting that thing on him, feeling his skin resist just a little bit as I got the latch done, it… well, given that Taylor’s still on top of me, I’d rather not go into too much detail. But like all stubborn thoughts, the memory doesn’t leave me alone, it keeps playing back how his breath hitched when I pulled the chain closer together, how the inhale after I got it latched sounded way too much like a moan to be natural.

I gulp and flex my calves as subtly as I can, trying to force the blood somewhere else before I make this awkward for everyone.

The silence sags a bit and when Taylor shifts again, the only thing I’m aware of are her thighs on either side of my waist. They’re… they’re so soft and I— No. Done with subtlety, I flex my calves, thighs, and both biceps and even then, I can almost feel the blood trying to circulate lower.

If any of the girls notice what I’ve done, none comment on it and after a few more seconds of readjusting on everyone’s part, the silence starts to stretch again, this time into something that I know will bring us sleep.

“I…” Rachel speaks up, and I keep my eyes closed. I’m still listening of course but I can feel that my awareness is on a time limit. “I remember Behemoth.”

And just like that, my eyes snap open and even though I know it’s just snowing outside, I swear I can just about hear the roar of distant thunder. I turn my head to face Rachel and with a gulp, she looks right back at me, the early morning light making the glistening of her amber eyes obvious. She swallows and her face screws up into a grimace, like swallowing that sob is like swallowing a knife.

“I remember when my armband called his name, I remember that I was… that I was too far away but I had to be the one to get him. I was the only one that could.” She tries to swallow another sob but this one proves to be too much and it turns into a broken gasp. “I remember finding him and he—” her voice cracks and Taylor gets off me to get on Rachel’s other side, her arms never leaving the auburn haired girl. “He was smaller than he was supposed to be, that fucking— that fucking lightning burned bits of him away and his hand was fused to that fucking lightning rod.”

I’ve almost got my arms around her when Lisa climbs over me, squeezing herself between Rachel and I and the sobbing girl grabs on to her like a drowning sailor grabs a life preserver, her arms tightening around Lisa with a fervency I can’t remember seeing from Rachel.

“I thought he was dead,” Rachel confesses, her tears flowing freely. “I was so damn sure he was dead and I felt like dying when he looked at me. Both of his eyes were broken, white and cloudy and I think he tried to say something but I just grabbed him.”

She shrinks in on herself and Lisa almost disappears in her arms, her face pressed tight to Rachel’s neck as tears start to stain her blonde hair.

“I— I tried to get him to Amy as fast as I could and she was waiting for me, waiting and when she touched him, her eyes went— her eyes went cold and I got so angry when she said she couldn’t do anything.”

“I remember that,” Lisa says, her voice muffled as my arms wrap around all three of them. “It was the dead skin, it was blocking her power but he wasn’t dead yet.”

I nod and close my eyes tight as I feel the edges of them start to overflow. I remember that, I remember abandoning the fight to go to Triage, no one stopped me and while I’d like to say I would’ve given them some excuse, like I was going to tag in for Panacea, I know that’s not what I would’ve done.

The only reason I didn’t kill anyone that day is because no one got in my way.

“He— he screamed so loud when I tore the scabs off,” Rachel cries, her voice turning shrill and panicked even as we all tighten our hold on her, my hand rubbing her shoulder, Lisa’s on her back, and Taylor’s somewhere on her stomach. “But then— then he wasn’t breathing and— Amy…” she sucks in a gasp and her voice is a bit more level then. “Amy told me that if… i-f I was even half a second slower, he wouldn’t have made it.”

No one says anything then and that’s because there’s nothing to say. We all remember it, we were all there for it, but the difference is, Rachel was the one that had to get him there, Rachel was the one that had to hurt him to save him, and Rachel’s the one that sobs the loudest even as we start to cry with her.

We cry for long enough that when it’s finally said and done, we can all hear the birds outside begin to chirp when Rachel speaks, her voice hollow.

“I miss him… I miss him so much it hurts.”

And to that, we can all agree.

“Me too,” Taylor mumbles, sniffling as Lisa silently nods her head. I just hold them all as close as I can, afraid that if I loosen my grip for just a second, they’ll fade away.

“There’s…” the ghost of Rachel’s sobs come back, not as intense this time but that’s only because of how long the first wave lasted. “There’s just been so much shit to deal with, fucking Lung and Bakuda and Leviathan, the Nine and Coil and fucking Echidna and I—” she hisses in a breath through her teeth and the way it rattles in her throat makes me wince in sympathy. “When we get him back… I don’t want— I don’t want to live in that fucking tower anymore.”

Her request doesn’t elicit the reaction it should, neither Lisa nor Taylor speak up to offer an alternative and even knowing that I personally sunk in maybe five million dollars in that place…I can’t help but agree.

The Tower used to be a nice place, it was supposed to be something different, it was supposed to be a place that we could live together, away from all the shit cape life threw at us but now… now the thought of going back there stings like a knife right on my heart.

The sound of cars driving by slowly start to become distant and as my eyes start to feel heavier and heavier, the shadows in the corner of the room start to change. Between blinks, I see the Tower and then Alec and then Heartbreaker and as I drift off, the shadows change one more time, into Grue.