Valentine's Day

Taylor Hebert/ Skitter
February 5th, 2013

I nearly skid when I close the door behind me, the ice on the road is so thin, I hadn’t seen that a layer had formed. The door handle gives me enough leverage to pull myself up and thankfully, I’m able to not face plant.

A bitter wind blows by us and even through the coat, sweatshirt, and my costume, I still shiver. The cold up here is so much worse than I thought it would be. Being a Brockton native, I’d thought I’d seen the worst Winter had to offer but the chill up here makes Brockton feel like nothing in comparison.

It’s the kind of cold that feels the need to remind you it’s there, the kind that seems to blow wind right at you the moment you think you’ve gotten used to it. That said, it’s also the kind of cold that you really can’t get used to, at least, not without dying.

But that’s why we went to the store this morning and stole almost two thousand dollars worth of winter equipment. It’s funny, I think I would’ve felt bad about that two years ago, back when I was still fresh with my powers and barely half way through my first suit.

But I’ve learned a lot since then, I’m not the same wide eyed fifteen year old who lived in black and white. There’s things people just have to do and if it means saving Alec— saving anyone I mean, I’d rob a hundred more camping stores.

I stand up as straight as I can and look across the road to the other side, the trees stretch taller than I would’ve thought the cold would let them. Pine needles drift as the wind blows again and the sight, while beautiful, fills me with dread.

Until we get to Heartbreaker, it’s nothing but hiking from here on out. And in a place like this, where the snow can pile up as tall as me, the cold will kill in minutes.

Of course, I already know that, excluding the bugs that are stored inside the various nooks and crannies of my armor and Atlas’ body, I have pretty slim pickings when it comes to my swarm. I thought it was bad in the city, with just a few hundred thousand cockroaches and my bug jar but out here… I can count the number of bugs on my—

Okay, not on my hand exactly but it’s still barely a thousandth of what I usually command, even with the bugs I brought. Most of them are either deep underground or buried inside of trees and pretty much all of them are next to useless when it comes to a fight.

I shake my head at the negativity, the bugs I did bring are going to be more than enough to get Alec home.

They have to be.

“C’mon,” a hand falls on my shoulder and I look up into the skulled helmet of Grue, his voice a smooth and steady baritone without his power’s ambience. I won’t deny, unlike my own loud and off color yellow parka, Brian’s winter clothes actually suit him.

The heavy black coat is lined with white fur and it’s long enough on him that it almost doesn’t look like an addition to his costume. Maybe when we get home, I can come up with some kind of Winter costumes for us. Alec would like that I think, he’s always been the most fashion forward of us.

I nod at Brian and careful to watch my step this time, I follow Lisa and Rachel up the side of the road and into the woods beyond, our three dogs already growing as Atlas scuttles past all of us. We might not have seen another car on this road for the past hour or so but I want him as far from eyesight as possible.

All PHO needs is one good picture of Atlas where he isn’t supposed to be and Heartbreaker knows we’re coming.

The moment we’re past the tree line, I gulp. I don’t doubt Lisa’s directions even for a moment but I wouldn’t blame her if any of us got a bit turned around out here. As far as the eye can see is just a world of white, with sharp lines of brown rising up and leading to sharp green spikes.

Some of the trees further in almost look like they're floating, the undisturbed snow beneath them might be a hill or it might not be. Again, I’m reminded that the cold can kill faster than most would think.

“You’re sure we’re going the right way?” Brian asks, lifting a compass out of his jacket pocket and staring at the needle.

“I’m positive,” Lisa answers, walking in step with Rachel. “We keep heading this way, we’ll be crossing into Canada within the hour and Montreal is almost on the border.”

“Okay,” Brian puts the compass away and starts to walk a bit faster, leaving me in the back as he asks another question. “And how long will it take to get to him?”

I can’t tell which him he means, whether he’s talking about Alec or his father.

“It’ll be the whole day,” Lisa answers, “According to the maps I downloaded, it takes an experienced hiker eight hours to do a trek like this. Given that you’re the only one with experience, I bet it’s going to take twelve.”

“That sounds about right,” Brian agrees and it still strikes me as odd how self assured he sounds. But then again, I suppose anyone would sound like that if they stole all of Victor’s repertoire.

Cornering, capturing, and killing the skill vampire is not something I’m proud of but when the ex Nazi was spotted in Boston last November… well, you can’t exactly let an opportunity like that go to waste.

The memory plays as the snow crunches underfoot and the thing that hits me first is just how… easy it was.

He’d been in the Empire for almost five years, he’d wracked up a reputation as one of the scariest capes in the Bay. Not in direct fights of course, but just because of what he could do in the long term. Fathers would come home and realize they didn’t speak their native language anymore, nurses would go to work and find they didn’t remember how to help, sons would lose self control and out themselves as gay to unsupportive families.

Victor was a monster in a way that coasted beneath cape life, he didn’t make goblins or blow up towns, but he was something darker. Not more dangerous per say but maybe even more evil.

But despite that, despite the reputation he garnered as a boogeyman, the moment he coasted into the Bay, we came down on him like a hammer. I don’t know why he bothered to come back, maybe it was to recover an old cache or something, maybe he just thought that his espionage and stealth training would Trump me and Lisa.

The reason doesn’t really matter, we had him captured, drained, and dead within just twenty four hours. And most of that was just Brian exploring a power he’d never used before.

Brian readjusts the backpack on his shoulders, it’s the heavy duty kind you might see in a movie, when someone is going off on an expedition to some distant land. It’s maybe twice as big as the one I'm carrying and thirty minutes into the walk, my shoulders are already screaming with exertion.

The silence is hard to break, with nothing around us for miles and miles and miles, the silence beats down in an almost oppressive way, like at any moment something could barrel through the snow towards us.

That said, while it does keep us quiet, it doesn’t completely beat out conversation.

“Where exactly is it?” I ask, trying not to let any heavy breathing come through the question. I might jog a lot back home but even running up hill has nothing on trudging through half a foot of snow.

“It’s on the south side… of the city,” Lisa isn’t able to keep the exhaustion out of her voice and just when I’m about to ask a follow up question, Judas brushes by me. The massive, bone covered hound feels some need to lick me and I try not to groan at the slobber he leaves on my shoulder.

With Judas stopping my question before I could say it, the silence presses back in and leaves me nothing but my thoughts. I had hoped on the drive here that maybe I’d be able to pull some kind of swarm together but even with the heat Atlas is capable of putting out, the bugs out here wouldn’t even survive the trek from their burrows to him.

I suppose that goes to show the limits of powers, Amy and I might’ve worked hard to improve Atlas but even his upgrades can’t do much to save his smaller kin out in the wild.

And that just makes me think about my beetle.

As far as I can sense, he isn’t in any pain, and I don’t think the cold even bothers him. He didn’t particularly enjoy the deer I had him eat a few hours ago but his stomach is full and he shouldn’t have any issue digesting it.

The enormous creature slows down just a bit at my thoughts, with his enormous head turning just a bit to look at me. His wings open with an almost metallic click and I know what he’s trying to offer.

I tighten my control on him and force him to march back at his earlier speed but he resists me just enough to have his horn scrape the snow. His head moves back and forth like a badly designed snow plow, he tries to clear a path for us.

“Good idea,” Brian praises me and I shake my head even when he isn’t turned to face me. “Less snow to walk through means more energy for when we get there.”

I don’t say anything to refute his claim, I’m just happy I managed to resist the urge to let Atlas carry me the whole way there. The silence muscles it’s way back in and this time it won’t let me stew with thoughts of my depleted arsenal.

Instead, it beats down on me with a single thought, a single memory that makes my skin crawl.

He just wanted to help, back in April that was all he wanted to do. He came to the bug jar and he was so… he wasn’t exactly polite but he was courteous, more courteous than he’d ever been before. All he wanted to do was help, he knew I had trouble controlling Atlas and the rest of my swarm at the same time and all he wanted was to make life easier.

And I—

My hands rise up to hug myself through the parka and something broken tries to squeak past my lips. I try to strangle the sound before it can leave my mouth and while I think I succeeded, Rachel turns her head to look at me as the thoughts replay.

I threw him out, I accused him of wanting to take Atlas from me and later, months later, I forced him to leave the Tower.

The others were part of that of course, by that point we were all playing to Heartbreaker’s tune but I’m the one who actually got him out of the tower, I’m the one who lied to his face and said we were just getting breakfast and I—

A pair of arms wrap around me and though I know Rachel is trying to calm me down, all it does is serve as a reminder for that day again. That day in April, when for the briefest moment, a part of me— the actual me— broke through.

We held each other in the bug jar and I could feel it, the sheer, overwhelming relief in his embrace. For just an instant, he was overjoyed to have gotten through to me.

…and then I went away again, I became that girl that wore my face and said my words but wasn’t really me. I shake my head into Rachel’s chest and amend my thoughts. That isn’t what happened either. It’s not that I became someone else, that would be too easy an excuse, it would just become something I could slap on to it and absolve myself.

Heartbreaker didn’t replace me. He took what was already there and he sculpted me, he chipped away my— I gulp and force myself to at least think it. He took away my love for Alec, broke it down into to tiny pieces and then he grew every slight until the hate could trample what was left.

And that… that is so much worse.

“It’s okay,” Rachel tries to save me from my thoughts, her strength is so immense I can feel the individual shape of her fingers through all the layers I’m wearing. “We’re gonna get him back, we’re gonna get him home, and we’re gonna kill the fucker that took him from us.”

Her promise manages to stifle the hate inside me and like when a sluice gate closes, that feeling needs to flow somewhere else, to someone else. That hate I have for myself is useless, it won’t bring Alec back, it won’t stop him from being taken again, but turning that hate against his father?

The ideas I have for him… they warm me better than any coat.

Rachel holds me for a bit longer, at least until I can get some quiet in my chest and when she lets me go, I’m startled by what I look up to.

Rachel’s always been taller than me, standing at just about 6 feet compared to my 5’9, that isn’t all that much, at a distance you might even mistake us for the same height. But that isn’t the case right now.

She’s clearly used her power on herself since I started my freakout and where before she was just a hair taller than me, now she’s eclipsed me at maybe seven feet tall. I can’t help but gulp. I was wondering why she stole baggier clothes back at the store but I guess this explains it. I look back down and realize that it sort’ve makes sense. I was definitely pressed into her chest earlier but I don’t remember leaning my head down to fit.

“You good to keep going?” Rachel asks, her voice only a little gruffer despite her increase in size. Not trusting my own voice, I just nod at her and feel my mouth go dry as her hands rise up to my shoulders, the clawed digits long enough to comfortably wrap around my neck with stretching. 

She nods back and turns around, heading over to the two large bags of dog food she let crash to the snow when I first started panicking. She hefts both bags over her shoulders without complaint and just gets back in step as the others start to march again.

The sight of her stuns me for longer than it should, just a day ago, I saw her use her power to its fullest potential and that was a million times more awe inspiring. Using what I saw in the fight she had with Chariot I can form a very loose idea of where she is now compared to what she can really do.

She’s barely using a tenth of her full strength and for some reason… what she’s doing now holds my attention a lot more than her full potential ever did. I can’t explain it but there’s something almost mesmerizing about it and that’s when I realize it isn’t so much the display of her power as it is her strength.

And that realization just brings me to another one. She wasn’t using her power at all when we first got out of the car and that means this whole way, for at least the last three hours, she’s been lugging around two forty five pound bags of dog food like it’s nothing.

I start to speed up to get back in step with everyone else and despite everything going on… all I can do is look at Rachel as we make our way through the Canadian wilderness. At least, that’s until Lisa sighs loud enough that I swear some of the branches shake.

“Okay…” she says, forcing everyone to a stop. “I know when we were getting out of the van, I was stressing the importance of conserving energy and everything but… Rachel, is there any chance we can ride the dogs the rest of the way?”

“Lis—” Brian tries to deny her before Rachel can but Lisa beats both of them to the punch.

“I am cold, I am miserable, and I can’t feel my toes. I should be good to hike for maybe another three hours or so but that’ll be pushing it.”

“Oh my god,” Brian huffs, “We’ve only been at this for four hours, we can—”

“It’s been almost five actually,” Lisa corrects. “So, Rachel?”

The dog Master in question doesn’t answer at first, instead, she rolls her shoulders, the dog food on each crumbling and rolling against itself as she mentally checks the weight.

“Depends,” she replies. “How much longer are we going to be going?”

And at her question, everyone takes a look towards Brian as we start to slowly huddle up with each other. Brian sighs before he answers, already knowing that whatever he says will probably be a good enough reason for Lisa.

“We’ve…” he spares a glance at the Thinker and shakes his head in resignation. “We’ve actually been making pretty good time. I give it another five hours before we make it to the compound.”

“Oh thank god,” Lisa sighs in relief and immediately calls for Brutus with a clap of her hands. “Brutus, c’mere boy.”

The hulking dog lifts his head up from the yellowed patch of snow he was sniffing and bounds over to Lisa with an audibly wagging tail, the spiney appendage whooshing with movement. With a point to the snow below, Brutus immediately bows his head and wags his tail even faster as Lisa takes her seat with a content sigh.

“Oh thank god,” she groans, both hands reaching down to massage her ankle through the boot. “That was torture.”

“We’re barely halfway,” Brian grumbles but still heads towards Angelica. The Shaker mounts the monstrous terrier and though he isn’t as blatant as Lisa, I would swear his shoulders sag with relief. Angelica huffs and puffs as Brian gets his legs around her though not because she’s tired, that just seems to be the way the terrier greets people.

Seeing two of my teammates relieved from their burdens, my own legs start to shake with a pain I’d thought I’d grown numb to. Each step hurts but I almost halfway to Atlas when Rachel suddenly stops me, having moved bags on to one shoulder to put her hand out.

“Rachel?” I ask and she points towards Judas with a silent claw, the enormous pitbull makes his way towards me, his tongue hanging out and panting in excitement. Out of all of her hounds, Judas is the only one who maintains his personality when Rachel uses her power. Whether grown into a mountain of muscle and bone or when he’s just lazing about in the tower, he’s still a cupcake of a pitbull.

And while I’m more than happy to let the pitbull fulfill his dreams to be a horse, I have to ask why Rachel won’t let me ride Atlas.

“He misses you,” Rachel answers my question before I can ask it and clarifies again just as I open my mouth. “He’s been staying with Sierra for the past week, and last few days we’ve been too fucked up for him to have any one on one time.”

“He misses me?” I manage to get my question in just as the dog gets to my side, his tongue licking another line of slobber on the other shoulder. The action is still just as gross as last time and while Lisa and Brian chuckle at my expense, Rachel just answers my question.

“Yeah,” she grunts, turning away from me and walking. “You’re his favorite.”

And that somehow just makes half a dozen more questions pop in my head. I’m Judas’ favorite? Why am I his favorite? Dogs have favorite people?

“Wait a minute,” Lisa tilts her head at Lisa and then down to Brutus as I step on to my mount. “Does that make me Brutus’ favorite?”

“No,” Rachel shakes her head and decides to keep walking rather than getting on one of her dogs. “Brutus’ favorite is Sabah.”

“Do any of the dogs like me?” Lisa asks and though there’s a fair amount of incredulousness to her voice, there’s also something else… hurt maybe?

“You’re Lucy’s favorite.” she turns her head to look at Brian and as she overtakes him, she speaks up. “Sirius likes you best.”

“I wasn’t gonna ask,” Brian tells her, turning Angelica’s head to face Atlas and her master.

“You’re lying,” Rachel replies, “I can tell when you lie, your heart beats faster.”

“You can hear my—”

“Yeah,” Rachel cuts him off. “Amy made my ears and nose different, when I get big, they get better. When I was fighting Chariot, I could hear shit on the other side of the city.”

“That’s…” I start, amazed that Rachel could take all that in without being overwhelmed.

“Such bullshit,” Lisa finishes, shaking her head as Judas and Brutus get into step with each other. “Can you pick out individual sounds?”

“Not well,” Rachel answers, placing one bag on her shoulder to reach down and pet Atlas’ back like he’s one of her dogs. “Closer things are, the easier it gets. I can hear a lot but that doesn’t mean it all comes out clear.”

With her simple explanation said, the silence is about to fill in the gaps again when Rachel turns, raising her finger to point at us.

“No serious running,” she orders, “I’ve only brought enough dog food for two days like this and I don’t know if Heartbreaker’s place will have any.”

We all nod at her demand and this time the silence pushes its way back in, refusing to be denied a moment longer. We lapse into a complete quiet for the next hour or so, with the only sound being the shifting snow Atlas paves with his horn.

But then, the beetle stops, his head turned to face me as he slows down. I can already sense his primitive desires and I roll my eyes as he slowly waits for Judas and I to be by his side. The instant my hand can touch him, the enormous beetle lifts up his right side to press into my hand, his body vibrating with a bassy purr as I pat his side.

“Okay boy,” I try to sigh but I can’t quite keep the chuckle out of my voice when he leans even closer, forcing Judas to tilt a bit and compensate. “I know, I know, you’re jealous.”

It’s funny, a year ago, personifying Atlas would’ve just been indulgence. When Amy first made him for me, the modified hercules beetle might have had a few quirks and twitches every so often but any semblance of personality he might’ve had came from me.

My faithful steed and most valuable bug has been brainless for most of his life but last year, some time around late June I think, Amy and I really got started on making him the beetle he is today.

Physically, there wasn’t a day that went by after his creation that Amy didn’t do something with him, whether that was to heal him or slightly alter him. But those changes were all… not exactly cosmetic but they didn’t do anything that helped him up there.

But then, last June, right after my birthday, Amy decided to push her powers in a new way. For years, all she did was heal and then for another two years, all she did was alter, but just a few months ago, she expanded and fixed the biggest problem I had with Atlas.

I couldn’t control him as well as I do now because he didn’t have a brain for me to control. Sure, he might’ve had a lump of neurons that kept him breathing but for all intents and purposes, he wasn’t alive in the same sense as my other bugs.

But now he’s well and beyond any other member of my swarm.

“That’s so creepy.”

I look up from my darling hercules beetle and meet Lisa’s eyes. Even with the amber lenses blocking direct eye contact, I’ve mastered the ability to convey a glare. However, unlike one of our enemies or subordinates, Lisa isn’t cowed by my glare and instead clarifies herself.

“The noise I mean,” and then she tilts her head and squints, pretending to focus. “Well, him too I guess.”

“Atlas is not creepy,” I deny her and continue petting him, his bassy trill warbling with enough force that his shell vibrates. “And neither are his noises.”

For a moment, Lisa is quiet but I know that’s not because I’ve convinced her, it’s just because she’s biding her time and waiting for me to say something she can pounce on. But I know her game now, I’m a lot more aware of her tricks and she isn’t going to catch me falling into them.

“They’re pretty creepy,” Brian speaks up for her and I’m so caught off guard by his sudden opinion that I don’t have a rebuttal loaded before he shrugs. “He’s a giant bug Tay, bugs aren’t anything but creepy.”

Lisa snorts at his bluntness and just as I’ve got a reply on the tip of my tongue, Rachel puts her own two bits into it.

“Atlas isn’t creepy,” she says, getting Lisa to roll her eyes as the giant of a girl takes the lead, her enormous steps clearing a path. I’m about to thank her for setting the record straight when she continues. “He isn’t cute either.”

I can’t help it, the thanks in my throat turns into a gasp as Lisa snorts, amused by the slander thrown Atlas’ way.

“Y’know,” the Thinker says, urging Brutus to move quicker until she’s side by side with Rachel. “Amy did base Atlas’ new brain off a dog.”

“Hmm?” Rachel looks down at her with a raised eyebrow and the blonde just turns to point at me and my bug.

“Yep, the brainy bits are all bug but they’re jury rigged into something resembling one of your dogs.”

I nod along with her explanation and can’t help but gulp as Rachel slows down, her head turned to us and eyes judging like she’s at a dog show. She tilts her head as Atlas nears her and the big lug is too preoccupied with my pets to notice her, at least, until he bumps into her legs.

Atlas turns as much as he can before his horn bumps into her side, his head turned up and hexagonal eyes fixed on my auburn haired teammate. Rachel doesn’t react to his boorishness and instead just moves her arms until she’s got both bags on one shoulder again.

With her right hand free, she gives it to him to shake and with a chitinous squelch, his metallic claw retracts as he gives her his front fore limb, shaking gently.

“Uhhh,” Brian shivers in disgust, shifting on top of Angelica and looking away from Rachel and I. “I really didn’t like that noise.”

Rachel and I both ignore him and after one last second of shaking Atlas’ leg, Rachel lets him go with a chuckle, his hand rising up to rest on his head, between his antennae.

“Okay,” she says, her claws scratching gently on his carapace. “He might be a little cute.”

“Thank you,” I reply and I can’t help the smugness in my voice as I lean on Judas to get a look at Tattletale. She might pretend to be aloof and uninterested but I can tell by the smile in her eye that she’s amused.

Rachel laughs again and when I bring my attention back to her, my heart skips a beat at the claw she’s raising up to me. I gulp when the heavy palm lands on top of my head, her long, sharp nails drag through my hair and though I know they’d have no trouble chopping a tree down, all I can think about is how good they feel scratching my scalp.

An infernal heat rises up behind my mask and despite Lisa’s giggle at my predicament, the light dusting of pink on her own cheeks puts my mind at ease. What Rachel’s doing is weird but… it’s really fucking nice.

The only reason she stops is because when the wind blows again, I can’t help but shiver at the cold it pierces into me. Her hand falls away from my scalp and I bring both arms up to rub at my shoulders when she grabs onto my hood. She pulls the fur lined fabric up and around my ears and though it’s a little awkward with one hand, she resettles it until she’s sure it fits right.

“Careful,” she says, voice soft enough that it comes out as a rasp. “The cold can make your ears numb.”

My throat is as dry as a dessert but I still manage a thank you and a small nod.

She nods back and turns away, her long strides taking her back to the front with only a few short steps. As she walks away, that warm feeling from earlier makes itself known again but fortunately, this time I can force myself to look away from her.

Unfortunately, now it’s stuck on three people rather than one.

The silence takes over again and though it leaves me with nothing but my thoughts again, this time it feels kinder. Not so much oppressive or bleak as it is light and colorful. This feeling, this warmth that spreads out from my chest and makes my arms and head feel giddy, it’s… familiar.

Like seeing an old friend again, maybe someone you never thought would come back.

For hours we ride and as the sun starts to set, all I can do is lean my head down until it’s resting on my hands, my elbows placed solidly on Judas’ flat top of a head. My eyes dart to each of them at random the whole time but I don’t mind the thoughts that come.

Brian… he’s one of the most selfless people I’ve ever met. When we were just small-time thieves, he was the glue that held us together. Granted, we were being held together literally by a coercive criminal madman but Brian is the one who made sure we didn’t hate it. I wasn’t there for most of that time but the way he and Lisa have talked about it doesn’t make it sound pretty.

He could’ve been worse though, Alec, Lisa, and Rachel were all there against their will. None of them wanted to be on a team together and Brian could’ve ignored that, he could’ve them around with the authority he was given, he could’ve made a miserable experience ten times worse.

But he didn’t.

He might’ve thought of them as just teammates, colleagues he had to work with professionally but I could tell as early as when I first met him, my hair singed by Lung and terrified that I almost died, that he and his teammates were some of the closest friends I ever saw.

Sure, they pretended they weren’t, they bickered and complained but they watched movies together. They lived together. They made time for each other, and even though they’d pretend to be angry about it the whole time, even someone as socially dead as me could tell there was more to it there.

And all of that came from Brian, came from his desire to be the best leader he could be.

I smile beneath my mask and feel something so bright come up my throat that my eyes start to water.  When I joined, he could’ve treated me like an expendable hire, he could’ve let Rachel ruin the first impression and have me sent off to join the Wards.

But he didn’t do that either.

He stayed by me, he promised me a team that would have my back so long as I had theirs and then… he did something that the others needed more warming up to do. He became my friend.

And that… god, it’s no wonder I had that crush on him for so long. Actually—

My eyes widen and my hand slaps to my chest as that feeling becomes more tangible, it… it isn’t like the crush I had but it’s… it’s very similar. I gulp and try to push it away. I got over it a long time ago and what we have is fine, I don’t need to ruin it chasing something I’m never going to get.

I— I have to be wrong about this. And, even if I’m not, even if this feeling… is like before, I got over it then too. I didn’t act on it, I didn’t kiss him when I thought I should’ve, I didn’t do anything and because of that, we’re stronger friends than we would be otherwise.

The words don’t rally me as much as I should and even though there’s a nest of butterflies in my stomach, my eye draws me to Lisa.

Lisa… she’s everything that I’m not, she’s clever and cunning and beautiful but more than that, she’s honest. I know that doesn’t sound right. When you first meet her, it feels like she has all the cards… well, come to think of it, that feeling never really goes away but that’s not the point. 

At first, she seems exactly like the persona she built up, she’s smug to the point of annoying, she’ll lie right to your face if it helps her, and the whole time, she’ll be grinning like the fox who got the hen.

But all of that, the smugness, the deep barbs, the tongue that spits words like knives. All of it is just one layer to her. And when you peel that back, you find an incredibly loyal confidant and friend.

She’s always been there for me, even when Armsmaster tried to sink two ships with one halberd, she vouched for me when the others only saw a traitor. And since then, not a day’s gone by that she hasn’t supported me, that she hasn’t helped me.

She’s been there when I haven’t even been there for myself.

Some days… I think of the person I would’ve been without her. I would’’ve probably gone to the Wards, I don’t know what would’ve happened when I discovered who Shadow Stalker is, but I know it wouldn’t have been good. I don’t think I would’ve become a villain… but I didn’t think that the night I fought Lung either.

I don’t think I would’ve liked a world without her, a world without green eyes that always know what’s wrong, a world without giggles that turn into snorts, a world without her is… Fuck.

That feeling, it— it almost seems like it’s fighting my thoughts, like whatever it is, it’s the exact opposite of losing her. It… there’s a comfort to it, knowing that it won’t happen, knowing that I— that Brian and Rachel, that we— The Undersiders, would never let anyone take her.

We thought that about Alec too the thought comes unbidden and I wince with it as the sunset starts to turn the snow into an amber gold. It’s true, a year ago we were all so damn happy to move into the Tower together, we thought that it was over, that all the fights and close calls were all supposed to lead up to this.

But we were wrong.

The reward we got for enduring all the hell of 2011 was a little box that Heartbreaker could prod at us through, like a grad student poking at rats through the bars of their cage. We thought we were above that and Heartbreaker proved just how wrong we were to believe that, to believe that, even for a moment, there might’ve been something happy at the end of the tunnel.

He woke us up from that delusion only to put us in a worse nightmare, a world without one of our friends, a world where we reminisced about hurting our friend. The thought makes my bones ache, like how an ant must feel in that infinitesimal moment right before its body is crushed.

That despair is almost all consuming and without my usual army to sink myself into, it very nearly overwhelms me. But then I remember Rachel’s words: “We’re gonna get him back, we’re gonna get him home, and we’re gonna kill the fucker that took him from us.”

Her words light a fire in my gut and when I look up to her, watch her walk through the snow like it doesn’t even bother her, I smile.

Rachel is loyal. It might be a simple way to describe her but I know without a shadow of a doubt that it’s the best way. She’d fight for any of us, regardless of who came knocking at our door. If it were the Nine, Eidolon, hell if all three Endbringers woke up out of hibernation to come try and kill us, Rachel would be the first one swinging.

And she wouldn’t do it just because she wanted a fight. When I first joined the team, I thought that was all she was, an angry ball of hate that would take any excuse to hurt someone else. I’m ashamed to say it took all of us almost dying for me to realize how wrong I was.

When Armsmaster screwed me over, revealed to the whole team that I was planning on turning them in, Rachel, rightfully, wanted nothing to do with me. She trusted me, trusted me more than I deserved if I’m being honest, and I took that trust and betrayed it.

It’s a miracle Lisa was able to talk me back in because honestly, I don’t know if Rachel would’ve even cared if I lived or died back then. Again, the feeling in my chest rebels against me, lashing out and stabbing from within my ribcage. The thought hurts and of course, the reminder that she let me back in warms me.

That warmth, the same warmth when I think about Brian and Lisa… I can’t name it, I have this feeling I know what it is, I know because at one point, I had it. I had so much of it that it was almost overflowing every aspect of my life. It was so warm and kind and I— I lost it.

And what I have now, with these three… it’s somehow even sadder. It’s missing the last piece, it’s missing him. It’s missing our Alec.

He should be here with us, he should be breaking through this quiet with a stupid joke, he should be on Judas with me, holding me close and calling me those names I pretended to hate. When did he stop doing that? He used to call me Tay, he used to call me bugaboo on my bad days and…

“How will we know when we get there?” I ask, pushing away the sorrow one more time and mushing Judas to speed up. Atlas whimpers at the lack of my hand but I don’t let my attention drift back to him for even a moment.

“Not too much longer now,” Lisa says, looking towards our left at the setting sun and the long shadows the trees cast. “I give it maybe an hour more at most.”

“Okay,” I acknowledge, “But how will we know? Will we be able to see his house or are we relying on my bugs?”

“You’ll know it when you see it,” Lisa answers and turns towards me, a palm out to show she knows that answer doesn’t mean much. “You can practically see it from space.”

“That big?” Brian asks and though he tries to keep his tone conversational, there’s a heat to it that I don’t miss. He’s itching for a fight, for our revenge.

“Yep, underneath all that stolen wealth and brainwashed girls, he’s just a loser who peaked in high school.” Lisa tries to put on a disinterested sigh but we all know it’s bullshit, there’s a new tension in the atmosphere that can’t be ignored. “A long time ago, the Vasil family sent one of their problem children to The Divine Heart School of Montreal, a very expensive, very out of the way, boarding school.”

The way she phrases it fills my blood with a sort’ve icy dread. A big school can mean a lot of things but to me it reads as long corridors, maze-like turns, and dozens of nearly identical rooms. Even for an objective as simple as ours, scouting the most efficient way in and out might take time we don’t have.

We only have two things to do and both of them make such a daunting task feel doable. We have to bring Alec home and we have to kill his father. The idea crescendos into a black fire inside my chest, the hate dripping inside me like molten slag, sitting hot and heavy and I… I can’t wait to kill him.

I know I shouldn’t act like this, in the past, killing people, it’s always been a practical thing and I took to it as such but this… I’m going to enjoy it.

He needs to die and personally, I don’t care how we go about it, whether it’s instant and silent or whether it’s drawn out and loud, I just want him to die. I don’t care who does it, I don’t care if Brian or Lisa or Rachel rips his throat out first, so long as he dies I’ll be satisfied. Although, given that my range is several times more than their own, I think I’ll have the first shot.

I’ll have my swarm eat him down to the bone and when there’s no meat left, I’ll have Atlas break him down until the cockroaches can get fat on the marrow and dust. I don’t want a single trace of him left, not because I don’t want any clues for his followers but just because I don’t want that bastard to have anything resembling a grave.

It doesn’t matter what kind of trace we leave behind, how many thralls we’ll have to kill to get to him, eventually, his followers will find out who killed their god and they’ll come for us like they’ve gone after so many others.

The thought of all those civilians is nearly nauseating but they don’t matter. Honestly, the blowback could be a hundred times worse and we’d still do it.

The thoughts play over and over again as the sun sets behind the tree line, leaving everything in a quiet dull blue as the snow crunches under our mounts. We’re just cresting over a hill when we see it.

It looks exactly how I pictured it, weathered white brick and stone arranged like some kind of faux castle, the exterior lit by embedded lights in the lawn and the wrought iron fence surrounding the property is nearly two stories high by itself.

The former Divine Heart School of Montreal is ornate to the point of gaudiness, with hundreds of different patterns painstakingly chiseled into the stone and blending so completely that it’s hard to pick out any single image. The snow inside has been cleared to reveal an obviously fake turf and the hedges are such a vibrant green that I can tell they’re fake even this far out.

No one says a word as we head just a bit closer. Right now, it’s just a sizeable spec on the horizon but if we’re going to take it down tomorrow, we need to be closer to start our assault. Brian leads us through the trees in an odd backwards pattern and it’s only when the snow hills start to pile up that I realize what he’s doing.

He’s leading us through the drifts like a hunter stalking a deer, the sight of the compound dipping in an out between the trees and snow. It’s unlikely that they spotted us earlier but it’s better to be safe than sorry I suppose.

The meandering path is a bit slower than I would like but eventually, I start to feel the bugs just behind the stonework, the small ants, beetles, and crickets that live between the walls. Lisa turns to look at me as she hops off Judas but just as my eyes lock on to hers… the whole world turns fuzzy.

First the trees and snow lose their edges, then the sky and dogs, then my friend and their costumes. The light of it all fades away, the color draining until there's nothing left and then the sounds of the wilderness, the creaking trees and howling wind, it all falls silent to make room for the song.

A beautiful, haunting song.

“Come little children

I'll take thee away

Into a land of enchantment”

It… it’s the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard. The voice, it’s light but full, it’s bold and subdued, it’s kind and soft but entrancingly forceful. There’s something beneath it, some ring to it that pushes into my brain like an ear worm and I—

A lump rises in my throat and I only know when my eyes fill with tears that it’s a sob.

Something hard and soft hits my side and head and there might be someone shouting but I can’t make out any of the words, the only words I need to listen to belong to the song. There isn’t a melody to accompany the words but that just makes sense, there’s no instrument man could make that would ever be worthy of playing along with the voice.

“Come little children

The time's come to play

Here in my garden of shadows”

Another sob wracks me and I try to tilt my head to listen more but there’s nothing I can do, I’m not actually hearing it. The bugs are, the hibernating creatures between the walls, they are my ears and if I could, I’d thank them for giving me a seat to this concert.

Every syllable is ecstasy, every word is bliss, and every line is rapture. Someone is shaking my shoulder, someone is lifting me up, and someone just slapped my face. For an instant, I can see wide and terrified green eyes but then the song welcomes me back.

I cry again, it’s so beautiful, so absolutely beautiful that even my bugs are stock still, enraptured and enchanted by the singing.

“Follow sweet children

I'll show thee the way

Through all the pain

And the sorrows

Weep not poor children

For life is this way

Murdering beauty and passions”

A smile widens on my face, the song is all I’ll ever need, I just need to sit here and listen, listen to the lovely, wonderful song. Someone is dragging me through the snow, my winter clothes cling to the cold and I shiver. The song doesn’t give me warmth but of course it can’t, it can only offer me so much, it’s already given me this tranquility that of course I’ll just lay here for it, I’ll let the cold in if it means I can just listen—

The bugs I can sense in the outer wall disappear from my perception and the moment they do, I take in a deep gasp that almost hurts my chest.

I’m back, in the snow and frost, my teammates are surrounding me, expressions of worry etched on their faces. Brian has his helmet off and it’s only when he grabs at my face that I realize my mask is gone.

“What—” I cough, the gasp I just took not having been enough to talk with. “What just happened?”

“I dunno,” Brian answers, his hands turning my head to look right into my eyes. “One moment we were just walking up and the next you just collapsed, your eyes… they were glowing.”

“Glowing?” I ask and when he nods, Lisa speaks up.

“What do you remember?”

“We were heading into the forest, getting closer to the compound, I just started sensing the inside with my bugs when—” my eyes widen and I would swear, that haunting call plays through my head. “The singing, I heard singing it— it made me listen, it was… it was beautiful I—”

“Master effect,” Lisa stands up straight and pivots on one foot, her hands going up to her hair. “Induces some kind of tranquility… fuck, I didn’t read about him.”

“What the fuck do you mean you didn’t read about him?” Rachel asks, stomping over to Lisa. “You said you did all the fucking research, you know about him and his kids so—”

“He doesn’t let all of them out of the house… I thought the only children he had were the ones he sent on jobs but… there’s nothing about any singer as far as I remember.”

“Fuck, is it like a Canary situation?” I ask, vaguely remembering the expopstar. “Can he—”

“No,” Lisa answers, shaking her head. “You didn’t seem responsive at all… if it fits the pattern some of the others have shown…” she turns back around. “You felt calm, right? So calm that you didn’t feel anything else?”

“Yeah,” I just barely manage to get my breathing back under control as I stare up at her. “I thought I might’ve heard you at some point but… mostly I was just calm.”

“Yep,” Lisa nods. “That fits. A lot of his children can only force one emotion, fear, anger, love although all of those are limited by line of sight.” She shakes her head, mumbling under her breath, “His works through his words… so long as people can hear it… bugs are enough of a vector… why would he—”

Her eyes widen and she immediately bolts upright, her head turning on a swivel as she addresses Rachel.

“Bitch, can you hear anything?”

“What—” Rachel flinches as Lisa whirls on her, her eyes manic.

“Can you hear anything? Are they coming?!”

Her question puts us all on edge and immediately, we tighten up, darkness stains the snow and pours out from Grue’s body, Atlas chitters as his wings flutter open, the claws on his forelimbs unfolding with a clink. Lisa edges closer to Rachel, her hand jumping to the pistol on her waist as Rachel closes her eyes, shutting off the whole world and focusing solely on her hearing.

The moment drags on and my eyes feel woefully inadequate as I can the trees, I went over the list of Heartbroken with Lisa and though I don’t remember any of them being Strangers, the curveball sent our way has me terrified. Every tree could be hiding an enemy, they could be right over that hill, listening to us like Cherish did, they could—

“No,” Rachel answers and we all sag in relief. “They aren’t coming for us. I don’t hear that singing Taylor heard but there are a lot of people talking. I don’t know the language.”

“Can you make out any of the words,” Brian asks, “Victor knew a lot of French.”

“It’s French-Canadian,” Lisa points out. “I doubt Victor would’ve bothered learning something like that. Okay…” she sighs and takes her backpack off. “We’re good for now, that guy— let's call him Siren— was scanning. Not for us particularly but I bet he's ordered to do that every morning and night."

"And you're sure he didn't sense us?" Brian asks, taking off his own backpack and letting it land on the snow.

“Positive,” she answers, unzipping her pack. “His power is pretty straightforward I think, if anyone hears him, they can’t move and he can tell who’s listening. But, his power didn’t actually reach Taylor herself, only her bugs.”

The answer placates Brian and over the next few minutes, he preoccupies himself with setting up the large tent. It isn’t the first time I’m thankful Brian managed to drain the skill vampire, but it is the first time I realize how screwed we would’ve been otherwise.

Okay, so maybe screwed is a bit of an exaggeration but as I watch him put up the supports, fabric, and zippers together, I can’t help but wonder how long it would’ve taken us otherwise. That said, even with how much he shortens the process, my limbs still scream with the need to lie down and sleep.

A need I can’t satisfy for at least a few more hours, one of us has to take first watch and—

“No,” Lisa cuts off my thoughts and steps over to me, one leather covered finger pressing against my nose. “I’ll take first watch, Grue can have next, Bitch after him, and you last.”

“No,” I disagree, shaking my head. “I’m not tired, I can—”

“Yes you are.” she cuts me off. “So let's skip the part where I tell you all the reasons why you should listen to me, you argue, I stand my ground, you argue some more but eventually agree, and get your ass in the tent.”

Looking over her shoulder, I’ll admit… the tent does look warm. But— I look back at her and sigh.

“Are you sure you’re gonna be okay? It’s getting dark and—”

“I’ve been in worse darkness,” she brushes me off. “I sense anything out of the ordinary, I’ll get you guys up.”

Her words almost do the trick but before my feet can start to march towards the tent, I open my arms up wide and hold Lisa as tight as I can. I must’ve caught her mid word because she squeaks a bit before she reciprocates, her cheek cool but not quite icy against my own.

“Okay,” I agree. “But wake me up when you swap out with Brian, I need to—”

“Don’t worry about it…” she holds me close and the chuckle she gives is oddly empty before she continues. “Do you remember what Alec called you? When we moved into the tower?”

“I think I do,” my arms tighten around her. “First week all I managed to unpack were those stupid bee pajamas.”

“You looked adorable,” Lisa compliments and my face proves that even with the cold, it can get impossibly warmer, “He called you cuddlebug.”

The reminder makes something heavy appear in my throat and it doesn’t shrink in the slightest when I try to talk around it. “Do you think— do you think he’ll—”

“Yeah,” Lisa rubs at my back and when my eyes blink away the blurriness, I find Rachel and Brian sitting in the entrance to the tent, both looking up at me with concern. “He’ll call you that again.”

Her promise makes the lump shatter and it comes out through my lips in noises I’d rather they didn’t hear. It’s funny, I usually hate crying, I hate feeling my shoulders shake against my will, I hate how scratchy my throat gets, and I hate that I always seem to do it when there’s people around.

But right now, crying like this, being ushered into the tent and laying between Brian and Rachel, it feels good to cry, like something I didn’t know was crushing me is slowly easing up.

I fall asleep within moments of laying down and I dream of blue eyes and a rare smile.