Relentless

Ahhh, Insomnia...

Dr Reeves said this would most likely happen as Zara adjusted to life here at Shield. It hadn't helped that she'd stayed up late talking with Bucky, but more to the point her brain hadn't shut off when she eventually went to bed. She'd had tossed and turned for hours, decided to give up on sleeping and ended up making a hot drink and sitting on the couch by the window.
There was nothing much else she could do at this hour. She'd fallen asleep without putting her dinner dishes out and missed the pickup. She'd washed the plates and cutlery and placed them on the side of the sink to dry. A smile spread over her face remembering Bucky suggesting they have dinner together and he'd had the kitchen staff bring up two amazing steaks with all the trimmings. He ended up helping her finish hers, and they'd laughed over the fact that she wasn't as especially big eater, whereas he ate like a horse.
She made a mental note to drop the dishes down to the kitchen in the morning on the way to Dr Reeves' office, she was sure they'd appreciate the fact that they'd been cleaned and dried.

Zara leaned her head up against the glass of the window, letting out a sigh as she watched the steam rise up from her mug.
There were plenty of cars out at this hour, their bodies shining in the rain, city lights reflecting off them. Zara wondered where they were going, what they were up to... If she had a car she could probably do with a drive right about now. She played the fantasy out in her mind as she tried to zone out. What kind of car she'd have, where she'd go.
She saw herself driving a small, high powered sports car on a night much like this. She heard it rev in her head as she slammed it into fourth, and seconds later stomping her left foot down hard on the clutch as she shifted into fifth... She could feel herself getting sucked into the bucket seat, the sweet smell of the leather interior covering up the smell of sweat and blood and-
Zara found herself panting, her tea had spilled when she realized she was shaking.

Get a grip...

She sipped her tea, finally feeling her body relax. On the bright side, at least it wasn't a nightmare.

No, I'd have to be asleep for that...



Her alarm woke her up early and after a few confusing moments she realized she was still on the couch, freezing cold and with a big tea stain and a tear in her favorite pair of PJ pants.  Zara groaned as she wondered how the hell she'd managed to tear them in her sleep, and there was a scratch on her leg under it. She was exhausted and had a thumping headache. Not a good way to start the day.
She'd gotten up and cleaned the tea stain off the couch, realizing the mug was nowhere to be seen. There was no way she could be bothered looking under furniture for it if it had rolled out of her grip during the night. She let out an aggravated sigh. The only thing keeping her going was the thought of getting her cast off. One less annoyance in her life would be very much welcomed.



The first thing Zara did when she got back to her room was take a long, hot shower. A proper shower with both feet on the floor, no plastic-wrapped cast. She stayed in longer than she normally would, scrubbing herself from head to toe with coconut and vanilla gel and even got to shave BOTH legs for the first time in... Well , since she could remember.

She dried her hair, and watched as her expression softened in the mirror. Nat had had her hairdresser friend come by the night before and tidy up Zara's 'Hydra hack job' and it looked great. She'd managed to shape the front a little - side swept bangs like how she used to wear her hair, and the rest was a trim without sacrificing any length.
Zara finally smiled to herself as she pulled her skinny jeans on. After 4 or 5 weeks in plaster she had been stuck in sweatpants, and as amazingly comfortable they were, she was happy to be in real clothes again.

Dr Reeves had set up a meeting for her and Tony Stark after lunch as part of her re-integration back into, well, life. Bucky had agreed to come by and go with her to Stark's lab. A glance at her watch suggested he'd be there soon. Zara bit her lip, she definitely needed coffee. She weighed up in her mind if she'd have the time to make and drink one, and grinned when the obvious answer came to her.
She walked into the kitchen, stopping dead in her tracks and let out a loud gasp. There was the steak knife stuck in one of the cupboards on the kitchen side of the island bench. The cabinet had a long scratch in it, and the knife had been plunged straight into the wood. Her mug was also in pieces on the floor in a puddle of tea.

Before she could even process what lay in front of her, she heard the door beep and the latch open as Bucky stepped in.
She decided in that split second not to say anything, he would over-react like he always did.

Shit.

She whipped around to face him. He had already read her expression, she was rattled, and had done a shitful job at covering it up. Steve stepped through the door behind him, making Zara force a smile as she stepped away from the kitchen, moving their attention away from what was hiding behind the bench.
"Zara? What's wrong?" He said, looking intensely into her eyes, reading her. She shook her head and forced a laugh.
"I was in a world of my own and I got the fright of my life when the door opened. I wasn't expecting you for another 5 minutes" She only half-lied. "Hi Steve!" She smiled up at him, making eye contact.
"I'm not buying it" Bucky murmured only loud enough for her to hear. "We'll talk about this later"
Zara pretended she hadn't heard as she slid a light jacket on and tucked her phone into her pocket.
"Nice to see you Zara, you look great" Steve gushed, having not seen her in about a week. Certainly not since she started to regain memories. He had been thrilled upon hearing she had started speaking with Bucky and had begun to find herself. Apparently she was even pleasant to talk to now - or so he'd heard.

"Shall we?" She said, pulling the door open.
Steve and Bucky followed her, making small talk. Mostly about how she'd gone with getting her cast removed, and asking every few meters if she needed to stop or if she'd like to be carried. She chuckled and politely declined. Walking was what was going to strengthen it up again, even if she was slow now, she assured them she'd be able to run like lightening when she was healed up.

Steve knocked twice on the lab door, before pushing it open and leading them in. Something about all the machinery made Zara tense up. Bucky had made sure the chair was gone for today. Tony had talked him into letting him keep it for the moment, as he still hadn't had a good play with it since one of his suits was having a few 'technical issues' as he called it.
Bucky placed a hand on her shoulder, giving it a gentle, encouraging squeeze. Something about his touch relaxed her. She let out a breath she didn't realize she's been holding, and saw him smile out of the corner of her eye. He knew all too well the effect he had on her, and was way, way too good at reading people. She suppressed the overwhelming urge to elbow him in the ribs to knock that smug grin off his face.

Zara looked up, making eye contact with a bubbly looking guy with impressively groomed facial hair. His face went from what she could only describe as egotistical, to a little broken and sad, and her heart suddenly went out to him.
She got that sick, dread feeling in the pit of her stomach like something was missing. She knew this guy.
"Zeejay..." He said, covering up a faltering voice as he strode over to her. She clenched her jaw as she suppressed that urge to run.

Be brave, nothing bad will happen. Not while these guys are around.

She forced a smile as the man approached her, shooting a look to both Bucky and Steve. He walked right past them and gave Zara a tight hug which took her a few seconds to relax into. Bucky and Steve exchanged confused looks. Obviously this guy wasn't usually affectionate.
"You probably don't remember me, but I'm Tony. I throw awesome parties" He beamed, making her laugh.
"It's good to have you back, kiddo" He said, giving her a genuine smile which she returned.
She followed him to the back of the room where Tony had been working on some sort of a device she didn't recognize. He sat back down at his chair, pulling one up beside him for her, and patting it, gesturing for her to sit, before looking up at the two Super Soldiers, flashing them an almost condescending smile.
"Do you guys need anything while I speak to Zara?" He asked dismissively, earning a dirty look off them both as they took the hint and turned to leave.
"Call me when you're ready, Zara" Bucky said, not taking his eyes off Tony.
"Thanks Buck"

Ooh, obviously some bad blood...


Zara let out a breath, feeling a little awkward stuck in the middle of that little exchange.
"Last thing someone needs is to be shadowed by a pair of guard dogs every minute of the day" He muttered. Zara stifled a giggle.
"Scotch?"
"No thanks"
She looked back over at Tony who was now holding up another device. Her hands involuntarily gripped the armrests of her chair as he pointed it at her.
"It's just a bio-scanner" He said, reading her expression as he pressed a button, making a laser sweep over her body. It beeped a couple of times, and he raised his brows quizzically as he read it.
"Well there you go. You're alive this time" He mused."Last time I scanned you with this thing... Well, the reading was different" He said quietly after a pause. "I can't work it out..."
"Sorry, I'm not much help" Zara said with a shrug, looking curiously at the device.
"You don't remember them injecting you with anything, any machinery that was used? Anything at all?" He prompted.
"Nope, I got nothing. Sorry Tony" She said, feeling somewhat stupid for not remembering. He pursed his lips, annoyed.
"Not your fault... It just makes no sense. You were gone, and now you're here." He said.

Tony Stark, the man with all the answers; didn't like being the one who couldn't figure something out. He ran a hand through his hair, placing the device back on his desk with a clunk, his expression changing to a happier one as if flicking a switch.
"So how's life treating ya?" He asked, turning his attention to her.
"Fine, I guess. I don't know a damn thing half the time" She said, letting out a single frustrated chuckle.
"So you and Barnes, are you...?"
"No. No we're not" She smiled back to him.
"Right, and how's that situation going for you?" He quipped. Zara rolled her eyes and smiled awkwardly, not entirely sure how to answer that one.
"Well, I guess there's no 'situation' to speak of. He's a great guy, we've had a few good talks, and he seems to always be there when I need somebody... I guess I can see why we were close" She said, looking down and giving a shrug.
"You and him obviously don't get along" She pointed out.
"No, we're fine. There's always tension when you work closely with the same people, we're a tight knit group. Cap likes to think he rules around here which isn't the case, but all in all they're both good guys. Things that happen at home base don't effect how things go on the battlefield so to speak."
"So you're just a shit stirrer?" She asked, her answer coming in the form of a smile from him that was both smug and cheeky at the same time.
"So, have a nice walk last night?" He asked changing the subject.
"What?"
"Sleepwalking. That's a new trick for you, isn't it?" He smiled. "You'll have to eat dinner with a spoon from now on if you're not careful" he joked.

Zara sat open mouthed, suddenly putting the pieces together. She wasn't sure if she was more shocked at the fact that it was HER who left the knife, or that she was being watched. She was a little relieved if she was honest with herself, it meant nobody was in there with her, and she wasn't in immediate danger. But then again she had cut herself... And they had WATCHED her do it.

She shook her head as she stood from her chair, mortified. Tony grabbed her around the wrist, his face changing when he felt her trembling as she pulled away.
"Zara, relax!"
"How can I relax when you're WATCHING me!?" She said.
"Did you honestly think you'd be given free rein in the state you're in?"
"I'm going to end up in a cell"
"No you won't"
"Fuck, I'm already in a cell..."
"No you're not, you're free to leave whenever you like." He said.
"Really, Stark? So I can walk right outta here right now and nobody will try to stop me?" She tested.
"I'm pretty sure Hydra will stop you" He shrugged nonchalantly. She winced at his words, he may as well have cut her heart out right then and there.
"What are my options then? What's the point in even trying anymore, I'm right back to where I started" She said, her voice breaking as she held tears back.
"Look..." He said, placing a hand gently on each of her upper arms. "I know you feel trapped, and hopeless right now, but you've been through this before. It will get easier, you just have to bear with it, okay? Reeves is there to help, Cap and Barnes are there too" He said. "Also, just for kicks, I'm here if you ever need a chat" He said, letting her go.

They both sat down and she reached across the desk and took his untouched glass of straight scotch and drank it in one gulp.

"Another?"
"Please"
He poured them each a drink from the crystal decanter, placing the top back on and putting it back on the shelf. He let out a long breath.
"Did you tell them?" He asked. "About the knife?"
"Of course not. I guess they'll find out now though" She said, taking a more civilized sip of her drink. Tony let a long breath out before he spoke.
"I'll keep this quiet, okay?" He said after a pause, watching her face brighten a little "If you promise to come have a drink with me again... And tell me if any memories come back so I can work the scanner problem out" He said, extending his hand.
"Deal" She said, taking it and shaking with him. "I can't believe they didn't beat my door down for the cutlery..."
"You were with Barnes, they probably assumed he'd take them. And I bet he made YOU do the dishes. These old fashioned soldiers..." He jested.
Zara let out a laugh and nodded.

"I can't believe I'm saying this, and I'm not siding with anyone, but it'd be a good idea for you to tell Barnes. In your own time..." He said, looking back over to her as he had a mouthful of his drink.
"Are you serious?"
"Yeah. Lemmie lay it out for you. I know the whole protective thing can get old, but I can see where he's coming from, I thought I lost Pepper once. I tried to save her, and watched her fall." He said, bowing his head at the painful memory.
"She ended up being fine, but I don't know how I would have coped as long as Barnes has. It was a shitty day for everyone, that day. We lost a friend, but he lost the person he loved." He explained. "And then there was the aftermath..."

Zara nodded, his words sinking in. She knew it was hard for Bucky, she'd known that all along, but to have that confirmed by someone who knew him made her feel terrible all over again. She had another mouthful of her drink and Tony topped it up for her

"So cut the guy some slack, yeah?"
"Yeah, I will"
"That reminds me, I have something for you" He said, changing the subject with a smile. He pulled a drawer open and started rummaging through it as the lab door opened, Bucky stepping in and approaching them. He stopped behind her and placed a hand on her shoulder.
"Hey" She smiled up to him, reaching up and giving his hand a rub, making him smile.
"Ahh here it is, good as new" He said, fishing something out.
"Tony, no" Bucky warned, catching sight of what is was. Tony ignored him and turned to Zara.
"Remember this?" He asked, handing her the bracelet, which he'd repaired.

Zara's mouth opened and she gasped, Bucky crouching down in front of her, looking up into her eyes with concern.
"We used this" She said, her voice a whisper as she held it up in front of her eyes. She examined it curiously, rotating it to get a better look as her brows furrowed. Bucky pursed his lips, shooting Stark an annoyed glare.
"It was to get your attention" She said, locking eyes with Bucky.
"It got my attention alright" He said, bitterness and anger in his voice.
"We drew you in, but you came before we were ready..." She said, her expression clouding over. "I wasn't ready, they needed me to be ready, but I wasn't... I got hurt, and they punished me" She said, placing a hand over her cheek, remembering the sting of a backhand as she blinked back tears.

Bucky sucked in a breath, wincing at her words. He had known exactly what they'd been trying to do. They had had to act quickly to get her out, and through some stroke of luck their timing had been prefect, and they'd gotten her home.
Bucky took her hand and squeezed it.

"You're safe now" He said reassuringly. Stark had gone quiet which was a rarity in itself. He'd known it was a risk giving her the bracelet, but it had been worth it to trigger another memory. Zara didn't say anything else, even when prompted, and it was decided that that was quite enough for today.
Bucky stood, helping her to her feet. She managed a to get a 'Thanks and goodbye' out to Tony before she was led out of the room.

Bucky walked down the hall with her, protectively holding her hand, letting his fingers interlock with hers. She stayed close beside him, avoiding the stares from people who had stopped in the hallway upon seeing her.
She hadn't been out much since she'd been back at Shield and had kept away from the fanfare of admirers she'd had. Things had gotten even worse since she'd been presumed dead, she'd been labeled as a hero and everyone wanted to know her story. It was going to be hard to keep away from while she recovered.
Bucky had let go of her hand and pulled her in close to him, placing an arm around her wordlessly.
They got to her door and he swiped his card, letting them both in, before closing the door behind them. He took her jacket and she sat on the edge of the bed, looking down at the bracelet in her hands.
Bucky looked at her with pained eyes. He knew what it was like to be lost like she was. He could see that she was trying hard, but her own mind was betraying her. She was desperately searching for answers that didn't want to be found.

"Do you remember anything else about the bracelet?" He asked gently, sitting beside her. She shook her head without saying anything, turning it over again as if looking for clues.
"The star..." She said. "I've seen it before"
Bucky cocked a sideways smile and unzipped his jacket, slipping it off. She looked quizzically at him as he rolled up the sleeve of his t-shirt up, revealing the shoulder of his metal arm. Her eyes lit up as she realized they were the same.
"Is this from Hydra?" She asked, holding it up.
"No, that was a gift from me to you on your birthday" He said, rolling his sleeve back down. Zara's expression softened.
"So I'd have a little piece of you?"
"That's it"
"That's so thoughtful" She said, the corners of her lips curving into a small smile as she turned to face him. She handed it to him, putting out her left wrist.
"You sure?" He asked. She nodded and he clasped it on for her as she watched.
"You wore it all the time" He said. "Tony reinforced it, so it's a tough little thing"
"I'm glad he was able to repair it. Was I wearing it the day I... Got hurt?" She asked, not sure how to word the last bit, since she technically didn't die.

Bucky nodded, and she suddenly understood the significance of the bracelet. She understood why they'd use it as bait to draw him in. They'd killed her parents to draw them to the house, trashed her room to draw them to the bracelet, and left the bracelet to draw them into Hydra.

Sneaky fuckers...

It made her mad all over again, they were so manipulative. The bracelet had been an easy way to hurt him, weaken him so they could destroy him all over again. It was once a symbol of love, and they'd gone and used it as a weapon and a trap.
She gritted her teeth angrily.

"You okay?" He asked, placing a hand on the small of her back. She nodded, wiping the look off her face as best she could. He'd see right through it but she really didn't care at this point. He'd give her credit for trying.
"I'll be fine." She said, forcing a smile.
"You know I can tell when you're faking it" He said, her expression changing and her face suddenly reddening. "The smile! I meant faking a smile!!" He said, realizing he'd said something completely sexual without meaning to. He started laughing, not sure if what he'd said, or the fact that she was mortified was funnier.
"I never had to worry about you faking anything else" He grinned, cocking his head with a cheeky look on his face.
"Oh my god, Bucky!" She said, covering her face with her hands in embarrassment.
"Yeah, you said that a LOT" he kept the joke going, her face burning now as she joined in the laughter, giving him a shove.

The laughter died down eventually and Bucky apologized, Zara waving her hand as if to say not to worry.
"Thanks Buck, I needed a good laugh"
"My pleasure. Or yours. Either way" He chuckled.
"Were we good together?" She asked, looking off into the distance.
"We were amazing..." He said "And can be again whenever you're ready, if that's what you want." He added his voice barely above a whisper. She turned to him, not sure what to say back so she just gave him a smile which ended up being more awkward than she would have liked.
He smiled and leaned over, giving her a kiss on the forehead as he stood to leave. Zara walked him to the door and let out a breath, frustrated with herself.

"There's no pressure, Zara. I'm happy being your friend if that's all you want. I'll always be here for you, nothing will change that. I just need you to know I never stopped loving you, not for a second." He said, smiling at her. There was pain in his eyes that ripped her heart into pieces, it was so unfair.
How could someone so kind and so loyal have such bad luck. The poor guy had gone through so much, and still had enough goodness in him to be there for others, enough heart to feel love so strong and never let it go, no matter what. He had always been there for her, and even though she'd been less than friendly most of the time he had never judged her. She had never felt pressured by him, and had always felt safe when he was around.

Without thinking she stepped towards him, took his face in her hands and kissed him. His strong arms snaked around her as he pulled her in, eagerly returning the kiss, making her smile against his lips. She dropped her hand to his firm chest, as she got to know his mouth all over again, his tongue parting her lips as the kiss deepened and she found her body naturally wanting to press into his as he gripped her waist, making her heart race.
She shivered against his metal touch, but something deep inside her told her that it felt right. She had butterflies in her stomach as they broke away from each other, looking into each others eyes, studying their reactions, both nervous to see if the other was okay with it.
"You okay?" He asked, tucking a loose hair from her face behind her ear. She nodded, still looking up at him.
"You're trembling" He noted.
"I'm nervous" She admitted.
"I can see that" He said, the corner of his mouth turning up into a smile.
"I'm nervous for you, not for me"
"Likewise" He said. "You're still a good kisser" He said, giving her a wink, making her blush and look away.

"Zara?" He asked, concerned suddenly, watching her expression cloud over again as her eyes stared off into space. He grasped her chin, turning her face to look at him. Her forehead glistened with sweat and although her eyes were open, they were blank and unfocused.
"Zara!?" He tried unsuccessfully to get her attention again. He scooped her up in his arms and laid her down on the bed, giving her cheek a pat to rouse her.
"Zara, snap out of it!"
"What?" She asked, as her eyelids fluttered. She sat up and clutched her forehead with both hands, jamming her eyes shut.
"My head..." She groaned. Bucky pulled out his phone to call Dr Reeves. "No! Don't call her. I just need an aspirin" She said, pulling the bedside table drawer open. "There's a glass on the bathroom sink"
Bucky went to get her a glass as she popped three tablets out into her hand, taking them with a big drink of water when Bucky got back into the room.
He walked to the window and closed the blinds as Zara pulled the quilt back and got her spare PJ pants out. She changed without caring he was there. Last time this happened she just had to sleep it off. He tucked her in and sat on the bed beside her.
"Need anything?" He offered.
"No, I'm fine. I just need to sleep"

He plugged her phone in and tucked it under her pillow, giving her a smile. She smiled back, looking up at him with tired eyes. Her pupils were blown and she looked out of it.
He leaned down and kissed her on the forehead, watching as she closed her eyes. Part of him didn't want to leave her. More than anything he wanted to look after her, slip under the quilt with her and sleep the afternoon away, holding her, keeping her safe.
Dr Reeves had told him to give her as much space as she asked for, and if she said she needed to be left to sleep, that's exactly what he'd do.
He looked up at the clock. It was barely 3 in the afternoon. He'd come back and check on her before he went to bed, hopefully she'd sleep through till the morning, she obviously needed it.
He sat on the bed with her till her body relaxed, watching her sleep for a couple of minutes before he found the heart to leave her.

He hated her feeling like this. It was a road he'd been down before, so it was easy to be understanding. The migraines, the insomnia, the confusion... They were all things that she would have to go through, but she was a tough girl and to her credit, she hadn't complained once to anyone.
He stepped out of the room, pulling the door shut quietly and locking it behind him. He found a grin spreading over his face as he walked back to his room, a spring in his step. Nothing would ruin his day now. Not after a kiss like that...