Relentless

Round two of waking Zara up properly and weaning her off the sedatives went much better. They had opted to strap her wrists and ankles down, going over her ankle cast in such a way that she wouldn't hurt herself. She had struggled, but Dr Reeves had been gentle with her, talking to her the whole time, and Zara had seen Coulson in the corner with his suit on and not reacted.

"You're doing great, Zara. I'd like to undo these restraints, but only if you promise to stay still for me, okay?" Dr Reeves said in a reassuring, kind voice. She gave Zara a genuine smile, and after a few seconds Zara nodded her head, and didn't fight.
"That's a girl. Much better, huh" Dr Reeves smiled as she took the straps away. "We're here to help you, no harm will come to you here." she said reassuringly.
"I'm just going to lean down to prop your bed up, okay? You'll be much more comfortable" She said, finding the control at the end of a cable under the mattress. She handed it to Zara and explained how to use it, Just in case she'd like to lay flat again, or change position.
"Is that better?" She asked. Zara gave a nod, and closed her eyes, looking like she was just having a moment to steady herself mentally.

It was hard for her to suppress a reaction. Something inside her made her want to just flip the hell out. She wanted to smash things, hurt people, and run. She wanted to run like hell, and didn't care where.

"I'm going to touch your face and shine a light into your eyes okay? Just lay still for me, Zara" She said, placing a hand on her forehead. Zara jumped and jerked back, her breathing quickening again. She set her jaw and concentrated on making herself relax. She had no idea why she was so jumpy, but it was a reaction that came naturally.
"Sorry" She croaked out, her voice strained and raspy.
"She speaks!" Dr Reeves cheered, teasing her. Zara's expression didn't change, and no laughter came. Her eyes were examined, Dr Reeves shining her pen light into both, making Zara blink. She couldn't see a damn thing after having light in her face, her eyes took forever to adjust to the dim room again.
"I'm just teasing you Zara, it's good to hear your voice again. Open your mouth please, I'd like to check your throat and take your temperature" Dr Reeves said as Zara opened her mouth and let her place a Popsicle stick on her tongue and shone a light into her throat. She took it back out again and gave Zara a smile and a nod. She swiped the thermometer over her face and behind her ear, reading the display on the device and entering the information into the tablet.
"How's your pain?" She asked, leaning over the bed with a concerned look on her face. "Is your ankle or ribs sore?"
"Yes" Came the simple, husky answer.
"I thought so, your pupils are blown and you're still shaking. Your throat is red raw but it won't develop into anything too bad, you had your tonsils out as a kid by the looks of it?" She asked as she entered some more data into the tablet, suddenly looking up at Zara's confused expression. Raising a hand over her mouth, she suddenly felt terrible for asking such a question. There was no way she'd remember a medical procedure as a child if she'd just had her slate wiped clean.
"Oh my God, I'm sorry... Don't answer that..." She said letting out a breath as she pushed her bright red bangs back off her face.
"I'm going to give you an antibiotic, and a painkiller as well. We'll start you on a course of tablets, just to clear everything up and make you more comfortable. " She said with a nod.
"Do you remember Agent Phil Coulson, Zara? He's a friend of everyone here. Do you mind if he comes to say hello to you?"
Confusion flashed over Zara's face again before she muttered an "It's okay" and with that Dr Reeves motioned for him to come in.
"If you feel overwhelmed at all, you press the button on your bed remote, and I'll come straight back in, okay? I'm going to go order your prescription and send someone to go pick it up" She said with a smile.

Coulson walked in and Zara stiffened up but didn't react like last time.
"Hi Zara. Good to see you again, kid" He said, giving her a warm smile. She had the feeling like she was supposed to know him. Whatever had happened to her must have been something huge, because all these people knew her, but she didn't know them. She looked Coulson up and down, deciding he can't have been as bad as she thought he was yesterday...
"Hi" She croaked out. Her throat hurt, it was hard for her to speak, and Coulson realized it. He gave her another smile and shook his head in disbelief.
"This is surreal, I can't even put into words how glad I am that they got you home again. You're going to meet a few people all over again, Zara and I'll be here to help you as much as I can. maybe not today but over the next few weeks" He said, getting a nod in response from her.
"I'll introduce you to Steve tomorrow morning if you're up for it, and Bucky will probably want to speak to you as well. He's been really worried about you. You two were... Close..." he said, choosing his words wisely, earning a look of confusion from her. She went to speak but he put his hand up as if to tell her not to.
"That's something for another day. I just wanted you to know that there are a lotta people here that care about you a lot. We're like a family here" He said, giving a smile.



"How you goin' Buck?" Came Steve's voice as he strolled into the gym. Bucky was letting a punching bag have it, and after the mess he'd made out of several punching bags the day before, he'd promised to go reasonably easy on them. Bucky looked up and gave him a shrug as Steve made his way over to the bag, holding it steady and giving Bucky a nod to start punching again, neither of them saying anything for several minutes. Bucky stopped after his set, stretched his neck both ways, and took a breath, starting another set a few seconds later.
"Coulson just rang me" Steve said casually. "Zara's up and she's even talking. Nicely" he said, looking up as Bucky stopped punching the bag, lips coming apart with curiosity and brows pinching together.
"Is she okay? What did she say?" He asked, raising a brow.
"Not much, she's got some sort of a throat thing going on, and she's in a bit of pain, but aside from that, all signs are good. Coulson talked to her a little, he said she was tense, but she's gonna be alright" Steve said, rubbing the back of his neck.
"I'm glad she's okay" He said, setting his jaw and looking back to the bag, flexing his fists.

Steve cocked his head, looking sympathetically at Bucky as he threw his weight into each punch, letting the anger and frustration flow out of him with each hit. His face was twisted up into some sort of a snarl crossed with something he could only describe as sadness. It broke his heart to see Bucky this way.
He knew what it was like loosing the person you were closest to... All the time grieving for them. Wishing you had of just reached out a little further, tried a little harder to save them. Going over and over in your head what went on the day they died, and even worse the 'what if's' and the self blame. The guilt was too much to bear even on a good day...

Then there was the shock of hearing they were alive after all this time, and they'd been tortured, day in and day out, and you weren't there to protect them. They were trapped without a person in the world who knew, no-one coming to the rescue, no-one who cared.

It was history quite literally repeating itself. What Steve had gone through with Bucky, Bucky was going through with Zara. He'd come back with much of his memory gone, but with the guilt of knowing what he'd been in the past added to that, and a short fuse to match.
He sighed, he could see his friend regressing. Bucky was a different person now than he was 6 or 7 months ago. When Zara had been around and things had been going well, he had almost been back to being the person Steve knew in the 40's. The happy-go-lucky guy who was always up for a laugh and a good time.
Then he became an angry, reactive, aggressive type of guy until that day they pulled the girls from the rubble in the Hydra base. It softened him a little having sympathy for Zara, and he'd been there to help her, in his own way of course. It had been his saving grace, and Steve had gotten his best friend back for a while.

"I've got some other good news, too" Steve said, making Bucky pause from his punches.
"Yeah?" he said, catching his breath.
"We can go see her in the morning" Steve said, flashing a smile which Bucky didn't return. Bucky pulled his gloves off one by one and threw them into the corner harder than he needed to, to where his gym bag was sitting. He pushed his hair back off his face with both hands and let out a strained growl to himself. He shook his head.
"No." he snapped, tension in his voice.
"No?" Steve asked, screwing his face up in confusion. All this time it was all Bucky had spoken about, it was the moment he'd been waiting for and now he was backing out? Just like that?
"No, I mean you should go. I can't. I shouldn't go." He said, a pained look on his face.
Steve pursed his lips, not quite sure what to say in response.
"Bucky I know you, it would be good for you to go in and say hi."
"Don't you understand, Steve!? I'm not... ALRIGHT right now. Can't you SEE that?" He said, frustration in his tone as he flexed his hands into fists.
"I can see that clear as day-"
"No! No you CAN'T see. I'm not... ME right now" He said, his voice shaking as he tried to calm himself. He clenched his jaw and took a deep breath.
"Steve, I was doing fine. I was happy, and then... And then I lost her..." He said, looking into Steve's eyes, biting his lip for a second. Steve frowned, it wasn't often that Bucky's eyes glazed over, but when they did it was always serious.
"You lost yourself too, didn't you?" He said,  sympathetically.
"I guess I kinda did..." He said, letting out a single melancholy chuckle, looking down at the floor again. "I'm still not over it. I mean, I know she's alive, we're here in the same building and she's here, she's safe... But it still hurts, y'know? I'm glad she's alive, but she's not... Zara. She's not MY Zara. So forgive me if I'm the only one not jumping up and down in celebration." He said, his voice taking on a dark undertone.
"She'll find her way. She's been awake for less than 24 hours, and she's already talking. That's a huge step whether you realize it or not. You took months to utter a non-threatening word to anyone here when you first came to us at Shield." He said, giving a reassuring smile.
"I know all that, I'm doing this for her benefit, not mine. Don't you realize I'm DYING inside, waiting to see her? Waiting to hold her in my arms? I hate this... But I need to get some self control. I feel like I'm wound up so tight I could snap at any moment, and I don't want her to be around me if that happens. I'm dangerous to her, Steve" He said, an utterly heartbroken look on his face.

Steve nodded, he understood perfectly well. It would have been an agonizing decision for Bucky to have to make, but one he'd made out of love for her. He hated seeing his best friend in pain, but it was only temporary, he was sure of it.
He'd given Bucky a hug - even though he hadn't particularly wanted to be hugged - and when he saw a flicker of a smile on his face he'd smiled too.


The next morning had rolled around quickly, Steve had gotten up, showered, dressed, shaved and made his way down to the infirmary. He'd knocked twice on the door and Coulson had called him in.
He saw her sitting up in bed, a blanket over her legs and she was in a white hospital gown. Her now shoulder-length hair was out, and it looked like someone had brushed it out for her. She was still pale and her face was gaunt, but her eyes had that sparkle back in them again and she looked alert.
"Zara, this is Steve" Coulson said, motioning at the tall, blonde man in the doorway. She looked up from her bed, pulling the blanket up to her chin and watching his as he approached.
"Hey Z, It's so good to see you!" He asked, giving a smile as he sat in the seat by her bed. "How are you feeling?"
Her eyes shot to Coulson and back at Steve again. Uncertainty in her face as she watched them both, a brow raised. Her hands trembled a little but she jammed them under the blanket. This didn't go unnoticed by Steve who simply smiled at her and didn't make a big deal out of it.
"Her voice has gone a bit, we've started her on a course of antibiotics to clear up anything in there, and some painkillers for those sore ribs and ankle." Coulson said, filling him in. "Dr Reeves was able to set the ankle break for her while she was under, so just got 5 more weeks in the cast, and she'll be right as rain" he beamed, earning a nod off Steve.
"It's so good to see you again, Zara, we're all pretty fond of you around here" he said after clearing his throat. "When you're out what do you say to me taking you for a walk and showing you around?" he said, giving her another smile.
"I know Bucky misses you, hopefully he can come say hello again, properly this time. Do you remember him?" He asked. Zara shook her head, confusion clouding her expression again, her eyes darting between Steve and Coulson as she clenched her jaw.
"Never mind, I'll tell you about him another time. He said to send you his well wishes he hopes you're feeling better soon" Steve smiled. Zara nodded, propping herself up a little more, wincing with pain as she did. Steve stood to help her, and stopped in his tracked when he saw her jump at his movement, quickly backing off.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to frighten you, do you need me to help you sit up?" He asked, his face full of sympathy. She shook her head and croaked out a small, raspy "no" and then bit her lip, dropping her head.
Steve saw her shoulders drop and start to shake and he realized she was sobbing when her hands went to her face. He shot a concerned look to Coulson who motioned for him to leave the room.
"It was nice to see you again Zara" He said softly as he rose to his feet and left. Coulson called for Dr Reeves who had talked her out of tears when she'd broken down the night before. He pursed his lips as he waited for the doctor to arrive.
It was going to be a long hard road for everyone...



The next couple of weeks dragged on. Zara's voice had come back, and she'd started to speak a little. Steve and Coulson came to visit her most days and had made progress. The trick had been not to ask her questions, just to speak to her and let her speak when she was ready to. To ask a question meant she had to think, and she'd get frustrated and upset when she couldn't come up with an answer or had to process something complicated.
She wasn't as jumpy around those she was familiar with which was a great start, but around strangers things weren't so good.
Zara was beginning to crave independence, and being stuck in a bed was irritating her. There were a few days where she had been snappy and frustrated, and when Dr Reeves had suggested she go back to her own room, her expression had relaxed. It was the closest thing they'd had to a smile, so they decided to roll with the idea and see how it went.

They decided to move her early in the morning before most people were up and going. The morning light was just shining through the blinds but there wasn't any traffic in the corridors. Zara had turned her nose up at the option of a wheelchair and opted for a pair of forearm crutches which she had taken a few practice laps around the infirmary with to get the hang of. She couldn't believe how uncoordinated she was, and found herself wondering if she was uncoordinated before her accident, or whatever caused her to forget everything.
Nobody had actually explained anything to her. She was sure that it was because they were worried she'd freak out.
She hadn't had a meltdown in a few days, and was starting to feel a little more confident in herself, and around those who were familiar to her. Coulson had promised to tell her everything once she'd met everyone, especially this elusive James 'Bucky' Barnes who everyone kept telling her she was supposedly so close to. Zara wondered why he hadn't made an appearance if they had been as close as Steve and Coulson had said, surely he would have been the first person to rush to her aid? She brushed the thought off, they were obviously keeping him away for good reason, maybe he'd been injured in the accident as well?

Zara made her way down the hall with Dr Reeves on one side and Steve on the other. There was something oddly familiar about them. The feeling ached at her somewhere in the pits of her stomach, almost like grief. Was she grieving for her past life? Her mind was racing again and she realized that Steve was trying to get her attention. She pulled her head up out of the brain-fog long enough to listen.
"Zara? Zara!?"
Her head snapped up and she felt as if she'd been sleep walking. She made eye contact with him and he gave her a smile.
"You still with me, down there?"
"Yeah, sorry" She said, her voice small.
"All good, we're about to go up the elevator, you remember what that is?" He asked, she turned  and screwed her face up in annoyance. "Okay, we remember elevators, that's a good sign" he said, clearing his throat awkwardly. Dr Reeves stifled a giggle as she pressed the button and lead the way into the lift as the doors opened.
Zara's grip on her crutches tightened when the doors closed and she jammed her eyes shut and clenched her jaw.
"You okay?" Steve asked, seeing her reaction. She nodded without opening her eyes. He looped his arm around hers in case she got wobbly, she was already shaking so at least he was prepared if she hit the deck.
"I've got you" He said, giving her a smile. She turned and looked up at him, a brow raised. Those words had set her brain off. She had a feeling, but couldn't pin it on anything, they were supposed to remind her of something but she didn't know what. She set her jaw, frustrated and uneasy. She hated her brain right now. It was like being surrounded by signs, and she couldn't read any of them. She'd see something, or hear something and her mind would 'flag' it, but then nothing...

They approached her room and handed her a key card. She looked at both Steve and Dr Reeves in turn and her hand reached out to the reader, and scanned it, a light click could be heard from the mechanism as the door unlocked. They stood back and she took that as her cue to open the door, awaiting the flood of emotion and memory she was sure she'd be hit with. But there was nothing. None of it looked familiar, and for a moment she thought she might cry.
She bit the inside of her cheek, distracting herself as she walked into the middle of the room, turning herself to look around.
"So this is it?" She asked rhetorically. "This is my room..."
"You have your own bathroom, the door is right by the bed head there on the back wall" Steve said, pointing. There's a kitchenette around that corner with a sink, kettle and microwave and some bench space. Meals can be eaten in the common-room, or delivered to your room and you can eat them here" He said, motioning towards the small four seat, frosted glass top dining table. It was a very modern style room, all the appliances were glass or black stainless steel, the bench tops in the kitchenette were black on dark wooden cabinets. The wardrobe doors were mirrored and everything in the bathroom was gleaming white. Steve showed her how to use the phone, and how to use the lights and appliances. She was almost certain most of it would go in one ear and out the other, but he assured her she could call him any time of the day or night, and there was no question too big or small.

They eventually left her alone, leaving her standing in the middle of the room when they left the room, closing the door behind her. Zara made her way over to the bed, sitting on it as if to test it out. She smoothed the comforter with her hand and closed her eyes, focusing on anything she could. The smell of the linen, the sounds of the city outside the open window, the warmth of the split system as it quietly came to life, warming her. She bit her lip with worry, suddenly feeling very alone, she felt like she hadn't been alone in a long time, longer than her memory permitted, anyway. She went into the bathroom, opening the drawers and learning where everything was, and caught her reflection in the mirror.
She got no feeling from seeing her own face. There were blue eyes, black hair which looked like it had seen better days, pale skin and dark circles under her eyes. She wondered if she had been pretty when she was healthy. She looked at the backs of her hands, they were bruised from her IV catheters and her nails were chewed short.
That feeling that she might cry came back again. She looked into the mirror and watched her eyes well up with curiosity.

Who is this pathetic creature staring back at me?

She let herself cry for a few minutes, watching herself in the mirror before gritting her teeth and making herself toughen up. Whoever she was before this, it can't have been someone weak. At least she hoped not.
She made it her mission to find out more. If it freaked her out then so be it, at least she'd know.



Bucky had been in the gym when he'd heard the footsteps up the corridor and the click clack of crutches. He'd waited till they had passed and then proceeded to watch them as they made their way to the elevator.
His heart had skipped a beat when they'd gone to her room, and only Steve and the Doctor had come out. Whether his heart had skipped with glee, nerves or anxiety he wasn't sure, but she was one step closer to being the girl she had been the last time she'd crossed that threshold.
The more he thought about it, the more curiosity gripped him. He found himself standing at her door, arm up as if he were about to knock. He had stopped himself before his knuckles made contact and bit his lip.

Too soon, way too soon.

He took a deep breath, resting his head silently on the side of the door frame, one corner of his mouth curving into a smile for a fleeting moment.

Not long now...