Chapter 13
"Thank god for Tony Stark." Clint said as they pulled up to the restaurant. The place looked nice but not overly pretentious. In his own skin, in his own city he preferred dive bars with the occasional nicer Italian tossed in. This place fit the fancy-enough-to-impress-the-nice-girl-on-a-date category perfectly. Plus valet parking meant he didn't need to find somewhere to park in New York City.
Clint adjusted his suit jacket. One thing his undercover missions gave him was an appreciation for Italian suits. Clint was arrogant enough to know that the black, fitted, linen suit coat made his arms look particularly good. He tried not to think too much on how the black dress Charlotte wore hugged her curves perfectly and dipped low in the back. He also tried not to think about the box of condoms from Natasha that still sat in his room back in his apartment. He tried not to think about how long it had been since he'd had a reason to use condoms in the first place.
He opened the door for Charlotte before handing the keys to the valet and walking to the restaurant door. The hostess seated them immediately once Clint gave them the name of one of his aliases. Charlotte raised an eyebrow but didn't say anything until they sat down. Clint had asked for a booth toward the back when he made the reservation. Close to the kitchen and a secondary exit if something happened. He didn't think it would but old habits die hard.
"Clive Simmons?" she asked as she looked at the wine menu.
"SHIELD tried to keep my name under wraps along with Natasha but New York has some really fucking good reportors. Most of the photos are grainy enough to make it hard to recognize us but names were printed."
"And almost everybody recognizes the hero's of New York." Charlotte filled in, "The news footage I've seen of Steve helping clean the city up in uniform hasn't hurt public opinion, same with Tony throwing money left and right and Iron Man and Thor showing up to lift heavy things in the last week or so." Charlotte said.
"That was actually Darcy's idea. Woman's a natural with PR. I think Pepper has plans for her." Clint laughed.
"I've met Pepper Potts twice, I think she has plans for everyone." Charlotte agreed. The waiter came back for their wine order and gave them a few extra minutes to glance at the menu.
"Have you heard anything from the social worker?" Clint asked after they ordered.
"Nope."
Clint tried not to stare at her mouth as her lips popped around the syllables of the word.
"I'm not actually itching to contact her though. I want Lizzy to be safe and where her parents wanted her to be but I don't want to give her up. I always wanted kids, you know?"
"Yeah, I wanted them too back when I was in the circus." Clint confessed.
"And now?" Charlotte asked.
"Now I run around in bullet proof spandex instead of the regular kind- it got more complicated."
"I get that. Not the spandex bit but the complicated part."
Clint watched Charlotte's eyes twitch downward as she reached for her wine glass. She took a long drink while looking over his shoulder at the rest of the people dining in the restaurant. He could tell she was deciding if she wanted to say more. He didn't push her. Natasha hadn't finished her dossier on Charlotte but Clint knew he'd have it in a few days either way.
"I worked through college at a private escort agency. I don't hide it any more than I have to in order to keep my teaching job but it does make dating harder since I refuse to lie about my past to people I want to date." Charlotte said, meeting his eyes again. Clint saw none of the usual signs of shame in her body language. The restaurant was quiet, the background noise low enough that his aids didn't have a problem picking up her voice across the booth.
"I can see where things might get difficult." Clint said with a half smile. Out of all the things she could have said he honestly hadn't expected that one. Still it wasn't like he hadn't played the honey trap often enough.
Charlotte responded with her own chuckle. "That's one way of putting it. I honestly can't remember the last time I had a second date I wasn't paid to attend. Still I got out of college with no debt and a decent savings."
"I never went to college. SHIELD taught me a bunch of shit I needed to know for different covers but I never sat in a college class. Well I had one cover that attended a university but I was a... actually that's super classified. I haven't actually talked to not SHIELD people in awhile."
"I talk to my neighbor, my nurse friend, a toddler or teenagers. That's the whole list. I get it."
The pair paused the conversation while the waitress brought their plates and they took the first few bites. Clint watched Charlotte out of the corner of her eye. He could tell she was holding herself a little tighter than before, like she was waiting for him to process the info and reject it out right.
"Hey," he said after a couple of bites, "thanks for telling me. Once I sort through what's super classified and just mostly classified we can trade stories. I've done the honey trap a couple of times. Men and women."
Clit mentally high fived himself as her face split into a smile.
"You'd make a pretty cabana boy I bet." she teased.
"I've done that and I do. He was very impressed." Clint laughed back, "I was one of the few agents who was open about the fact I didn't really have a preference sexually. I got sent on a lot of weird missions."
"I honestly swore off dating men for my entire college career. Turns out a lot of lesbians aren't huge fans of bi girls, or hookers." Charlotte laughed.
~&~
Charlotte knew she'd eventually tell Clint about her former job. She hadn't been lying when she said she refused to lie about it. She just hadn't consciously decided to tell him that night. Still his friends had resources she could only guess at and as well as she hid her past from the school she taught at she'd seen Tony Stark's robot in action. If he did any digging in her past he'd find out himself.
And if he had an issue with it was better to find out before she slept with him or went on anymore dates.
Still she couldn't say his reaction surprised her. The spy thing had little to do with it. Most people who grew up rough understood making choices to get a little bit ahead. Clint hadn't told her a ton about the messy parts of his childhood but you didn't run away and join the circus as a kid when you had a happy home life.
A little hardship builds a lot of empathy her mother used to say. She wasn't close with her Catholic parents but her mother's sayings had an annoying habit of getting stuck in her head.
Two hours and two desserts later Clint was holding the car door open for her again. They barely paused their debate about government transparency as he climbed in the drivers side and began winding his way back to her apartment.
Charlotte didn't know what gods decided to smile down on her but a vaguely legal parking spot right in front of her apartment sat open and waiting when they pulled up.
"I still have that really expensive wine if you'd like to join me?" Charlotte asked as her fingers played across her purse strap.
"I'd like that. Besides, I have several more points on how clandestine agencies lead to overall more transparency in international politics." Clint said as he unbuckled.
"That's it, I'm calling all the papers, Clint Barton- Hawkeye- is a massive political dork." Charlotte laughed.
"I picked up a few things here and there." Clint said. "Do you need to pick up Lizzy?"
"Esme is keeping her for the night. She insisted." Charlotte blushed as she unlocked her door.
"Your neighbor's efforts to get you laid are kind of hilarious, you know that right?"
"Yes I do. She worries I'll be lonely I think." Charlotte kicked off her heels and walked to the cupboard where she stashed the outrageous bottle of wine. She grabbed her last two clean wine glasses and padded over to the couch where Clint had already made himself comfortable- his jacket discarded off to the side. She let herself plop down next to him and tucked her feet underneath her while Clint uncorked and poured them both a generous glass.
"Cheers." Charlotte said as she accepted her wine and took a sip. "So you had some points on clandestine leading to transparency? Isn't that oxymoronic?"
"No you see, everyone knows everyone spies..." Clint began moving his hands as he described a side of international politics she hadn't considered. They hadn't bothered turning on any lights but the one over the kitchen sink and his face was lit up by the street lights coming in her window. She tried to focus on the points he was making but she kept watching his hands dance gracefully in the air.
"... and that's why spies make governments more transparent." Clint finished.
"I really want to kiss you again." Charlotte said. She watched as Clint blinked a few times before his face broke into a huge grin.
"I'd be very okay with that." he said as he leaned forward. Like the first time they kissed they met in the middle. The kiss built slowly between them. Soon her hands found their way into his hair and he rested his on her hips again. The angle was a bit awkward and it didn't take long for Charlotte to untangle her legs and throw one over his lap so she straddled him.
She pulled back a little to look at him "okay?" she asked.
"Really fucking okay." Clint said. She felt his hands tighten against her hips and managed to resist every urge to drive herself down into his lap. She didn't know how long they sat like that on the couch trading kisses back and forth as they grew more and more intense.
Charlotte could feel heat and wetness pooling inside her and she wanted more and more and more. She let her hips fall down against his and gasped when the bulge of his pants brushed against her center.
"Fuck." she breathed. "Bedroom?"
Clint didn't say anything, he just stood, her knees still wrapped around him. His wide hands cradled her ass and his mouth didn't leave hers as he carried her the short distance to the bedroom.
Clint laid her gently down on the bed. The fabric of her dress pooled and bunched around her thighs as she adjusted herself on the pillows. For a moment he just paused and looked at her. She could feel him undressing her with his eyes. She could feel him planning exactly how he was going to wind her up and bring her down.
Charlotte pushed herself up to her knees and grabbed Clint's dark blue shirt and pulled him down into the bed with her. He fell, catching himself on his hands at the last minute above her. She started fumbling with the buttons on his shirt as he let his forehead fall against hers. She could feel his breath ghost across her cheek and the linen of his suit pants slide against her legs. His left hand came up to tangle in her hair as he darted his mouth in to kiss her again.
She finally got all the buttons undone and began pushing his shirt over his shoulders. The white tee shirt he wore strained against his arms and chest. Her hands came up to run themselves across his shoulders and down his chest. She felt his skin twitch and jump under her fingertips as Clint gasped into her neck.
She returned the favor as his hand came to run up her thigh, pushing her dress higher.
"Wait, wait." she forced herself to choke out. Immediately the weight of his body left her and his hands came up in the air.
"Just checking in," she said between heavy breaths, "fuck I want this but wanted to make sure we're on the same page."
"I want this too." Clint said as he leaned back against his knees. He looked so damn good sitting in her bed with his hair already messed up from the little they had done. She wanted to see him post orgasm, wrung out from pleasure. The visceral want that traveled through her reminded her how long it had been.
"Good, condoms are in the nightstand. Anything I should no? Any big sexual no-no's?" she asked.
"I can't be trapped." Clint said, "no choking either. You?"
"I hate being choked or choking so we're good there. Anal is a no go for me. I don't like pain but I'm not glass either." Charlotte said.
"Great, good, good talk. I'm going to kiss you again." Clint said. Charlotte laughed and reached out her hands and pulled him back in. Soon her dress was gone and tossed somewhere on her floor along with his shirt and pants.
~&~
Later Clint lay on his back staring at the ceiling as he tried to make his heart rate listen to him. Charlotte lay next to him on her stomach and appeared to be trying to do the same thing. The sheets were pulled up to her waist but the smooth curve of her back lay free and exposed. Her hair flowed over her shoulders and spread out against the pillow. The carefully pinned curls were now a cloud of chaos but Clint couldn't remember seeing anything sexier.
"Fuck." he said.
"Amen to that." Charlotte replied. She didn't even bother to lift her head. "I'd high five you but that would involve moving and I don't think I'm ready for that."
Clint laughed and let his hand run up and down the dip in her spine. From the sigh of content he heard he figured it was a good move.
"If you stop I will cry- big, sad, ugly tears cry." Charlotte said.
"I won't stop, pinky promise." laughed Clint. He felt as relaxed as he ever did and he let the last remaining tension flow out of him. He felt Charlotte's breath flow smoothly in and out of her lungs as she relaxed against his hand. It was a very different kind of pleasure than they gave and took from each other just minutes earlier but it felt just as good.
"Esme doesn't bring Lizzy back until tomorrow if you want to stay the night." Charlotte said as she turned her head to look at him.
Clint's heart seized at the idea of sleeping in a new place, away from anyone who had the skills to watch his back. He still had nightmares and often woke up violently. Images of Charlotte in the corner clutching a broken bone or a bruising face because his fucking mind couldn't tell the difference between the pretty woman he took on dates and the psychopath who played date rape with his brain. He thought of his mother hiding from his father before she died and the bastard's hand turned to his kids. So many small and broken bodies hid in corners and somehow all of them had his arrows sticking out of their chests.
"Clint!" a voice broke through his racing thoughts, "you're having a panic attack. I'm not going to touch you but can you hear me?"
"Yes." he ground out, he could hear her.
”Okay good, I'm going to walk you through a grounding exercise. Can you tell me five things you see?" Clint forced his eyes to focus and look around the bedroom.
"I see your bookshelf, it's crooked. I see your throw pillows on the floor, one somehow landed on the bookshelf. I see my blue shirt and your black dress on the floor. Your underwear is on the lamp. I think I did that on purpose. I see your hair, it's kind of a mess." Clint listed obediently, his therapist had taught him this exercise and the rhythm of it helped bring him back to his head.
"Good job, and I thought you did that on purpose. Fucking archer. Okay can you tell me 4 things you can feel?"
"The sheets. They're stupidly soft- what are they?"
"Really expensive jersey knit. I spoiled myself when I got my teaching job. What else?"Charlotte asked. Clint felt his heart calming down enough to notice the ghost of a smile on her face.
"Ummm, your skin when I touch you. There's a draft in the room and I can feel the slight breeze. The support of the mattress against my legs."
"Perfect, now three things you can hear."
"Horns honking, god this city never shuts up. I can hear your breathing. You're actively keeping your breath even. There's a dog barking somewhere." Clint could feel his hands slow their shaking.
"Now two things you can smell."
"Sex, the room smells like sex. The apple air freshener plug in thing you have."
"Good, now one thing you can taste." Charlotte said.
"The wine from earlier." Clint said. He took a couple of deep, shaky breaths. He was still anxious and panicky but he knew where he was and he wasn't actively flashing back to the helicarrier and Loki.
"Can I touch you or would that make it worse?" Charlotte asked. "
Touch is okay." Clint answered. He closed his eyes as he felt her fingers ghost over the sweaty skin of his back. He didn't know when he sat up but here he was. He forced his hands to slowly unclench from the death grip he had on the sheets.
"How'd you know about that grounding exercise?" he asked.
"I work in a school in Hell's Kitchen. A lot of my kids have trauma and panic attacks. I learned." Charlotte explained, "do you want to talk about it? Or tell me what triggered it? You don't have to but if it's something I did I want to make sure I can avoid doing it again."
"Ummm, it was the idea of staying here. In a new place. Before the Battle here in New York this guy fucked with my head. Made me hurt people I knew. We got him but I still caused a lot of people a lot of hurt until Natasha hit me hard enough over the head that I was able to shake it. I still have nightmares and I don't always wake up without swinging." Clint looked at his hands. If his eyes were busy tracing his scars he didn't have to see Charlotte's reaction.
"Okay. I can roll with that. You don't need to stay, I won't be offended. Needing to sleep in a space that you feel safe in and that's yours is very important. I don't think less of you. I can't say I know what you're going through because I don't, but I do not think less of you and I still want to keep doing this. Can I give you a hug?"
Clint nodded around the lump forming in his throat. He felt her arms wrap around him and he let his own arms pull her closer until he pulled her back in his lap. They sat like that, naked bodies separated by the sheet pooled around his waist, for several minutes.
"Can I kiss you?" Charlotte asked. Clint nodded again. She pressed a soft kiss to his lips. "If you want I can make you a cup of tea if you want to shower."
"That actually sounds really fucking nice." Clint heard how rough his own voice sounded in the quiet air.
"Okay, towels are on the rack above the toilet. Take as long as you need." Charlotte slowly untangled herself from his lap and started walking toward the kitchen. Clint took another few deep breaths before standing on still shaky legs and walking toward the bathroom. It took him a few moments to figure out the shower head and find the sweet spot on the faucet. After he set his aids on the counter top he turned the water as hot as his body could stand it and climbed into the deep tub. He looped the shower head on the offered hook and let the scalding water pour over his body. He reached his hands up to grab the hanging metal oval that held the shower curtain. Careful to keep his weight from pulling the curtain rod from where it was anchored in the ceiling he let his head hang down and took the calming breaths his therapist taught him.
1... 2... 3... 4... deep breaths in, hold 1... 2... 3... 4... out 1... 2... 3... 4... hold 1... 2... 3... 4... repeat, repeat, repeat. He didn't know how long he stood there breathing but he could feel the last shakes of his panic attack leave his body. He knew from experience once he got back to the tower he'd either wake Natasha to spar or would find where she was sleeping, crawl in with her and pass out for hours.
Sometimes he still felt like he could only sleep if one of the two people he trusted to watch his back completely slept near him. He knew he'd be talking to Dr. Geller about that during their Friday appointment. Maybe they could move the appointment up, he promised Phil and Natasha he'd work with his therapist.
Clint's thoughts were pulled back when he felt a slight breeze on his back. He opened his eyes and turned his head to see Charlotte's hand clumsily twisting in the air, asking if she could come in in sign.
"Yeah, come in." he said as he felt his lips twist into a smile. Charlotte climbed into the shower holding two mugs she must have set on the counter when she signed and handed him one. Clint couldn't help but laugh as he looked at them naked, drinking hot mint tea in the shower. He took a few sharp pulls of his mug before setting it on the rack that held her shampoo's, conditioners and other bath products. He opened his arms and squeezed her tight when she stepped in.
He couldn't help but think that if he had to have a panic attack this wasn't the worst way one could have gone.