Chapter 14
Charlotte held Clint in her arms as the water from the shower poured over them. His tea mug sat on the shampoo rack and hers dangled loosely from her hand. She wasn't sure what to say and didn't think lip reading in the shower would work well. From what she'd read most people couldn't read lips period- it was a skill hearing people invented to quote one article she read. On their first date Clint had JARVIS projecting the entire time too. She'd started watching sign language videos but a few videos did not fluent make.
She matched her breathing to Clint's rhythm. A deep breath in, hold, slowly out, hold. She silently thanked whatever gods were out there for the vast hot water supply her dinky apartment offered. She'd seen panic attacks before in her students and part of her continuing education for teaching included an elective class in trauma informed care but she'd never expected to use those tools naked in her bedroom.
She never expected aliens to fall from the sky, rescue and foster a two year old, date one of the heroes of New York, have said hero give her a couple of the best unassisted orgasms in her life, have a panic attack in her bed and cuddle in her shower but here she was.
She wasn't sure if she'd change it either.
Her thoughts were broken when Clint pulled out of her arms, she looked up at the six foot something archer wondering what came next. One of his hands left her back and reached around to grab her shampoo bottle. He raised both the bottle and an eyebrow in a clear question.
Charlotte nodded and turned around, her back pressed against the hard planes of his chest. She heard the cap of the shampoo bottle pop open and some of the thick liquid squeeze into a waiting hand.
Clint's fingers gently carded their way through her hair, massaging her scalp. He concentrated on the roots of her hair, not bringing the shampoo down to the tips. Charlotte moaned in pleasure from the scalp massage and wondered if he'd ever been a hairdresser on a mission. He gently rinsed the shampoo from her hair and grabbed her conditioner bottle. This time he started at the end of her hair and carefully brought the conditioner up her hair, again gently rinsing.
She leaned against his chest for a moment before she turned in his arms. She reached behind him and grabbed the shampoo bottle herself. She went up on her tiptoes and laughed as Clint helpfully ducked his head so she could return the favor. She felt more than heard Clint's own laugh grumble in his chest.
They turned off the water and stepped dripping on to the waiting bathmat. Charlotte wrapped a towel around her hair and body before reaching and grabbing the two tea mugs which now held more shower water than tea. She raised the mugs in Clint's direction hoping he'd understand her silent offer. From his nod she guessed he did. She poured the shower water tea into the sink and stepped into the bedroom. She snagged her underwear off the lamp and Clint's tee shirt off the floor.
She left her hair in it's confinement and slipped the tee shirt and underwear on before heading to the kitchen. The water in the kettle was still hot so it only took a few moments before the steam forced its way out and let loose a shrieking whistle.
"God damn, I always forget how loud those things are when I take out my aids." Clint's voice made her jump as he came into the kitchen wearing his boxers and dress shirt unbuttoned and hanging open.
"I think I jump 3 out of 5 times when I hear it. Now especially" Charlotte told him as she grabbed the tea bags and some new mugs. She held up the whiskey bottle she kept tucked back in the cabinet toward Clint and he shook his head as he sat down. She set the bottle back and grabbed some honey.
"I... uh.... I never asked, how are you doing with the whole alien attack battle aftermath?" he said.
Charlotte looked at Clint, sitting at her kitchen table, fiddling with a mug.
"I have nightmares." she said honestly, "I find myself running and looking for Lizzy, she's crying somewhere but I can't find her. Sometimes I'm hurt worse than I was, sometimes I'm not hurt at all and I'm just running and looking and she's never there. But I wake up and when I do she's right there in bed with me because I don't have anywhere else for her to sleep and I know she's safe. That helps a lot."
"Yeah, I usually sleep with Natasha. When the nightmares get bad I know she won't let me hurt anyone." Clint said as he took a drink of his tea. Charlotte saw the minute his sentence repeated itself in his head by the way his eyes shot wide open and he let the mug *thunk* to the table.
"Ahhh mouth..." he said and trailed off.
"Hey, it's okay. I figured you guys were close and Natasha didn't seem like the kind to let a guy cheat on her. If you guys were together in an open relationship you seemed like the kind of guy who would tell me. I know you guys are really close." Charlotte said.
"Yeah, for years, especially after I lost my hearing it was just Nat, me and Phil. Phil was our handler. He got hurt in the attack. It's been really slow going getting him better."
"I'm going to guess you blame yourself for him getting hurt." Charlotte commented as she drank her own tea. Clint looked up at her again, surprise written on his face.
"You looked me up to see if a woman and kid who you escorted to a safe area were okay and went way above and beyond to help find Lizzy's family. You didn't have to do any of that. You weren't expected to do any of that. But you did. You felt responsible. The fact that this all happened is a happy accident but you didn't need to set it in motion. The world doesn't have to sit on your shoulders but if you're going to make it I'm glad you have some people to lighten the load."
"My therapist is going to fucking love you." Clint laughed.
"I'm going to take that as a compliment. You good to drive home?" Charlotte asked.
"Yeah, I'll head out in a bit." Clint said as he started to stand.
"Hey- no rush. Just checking." Charlotte reached across the table to put her hand over Clint's. He settled back into his chair and they let silence fall as they sipped their tea.
~&~
The sun was close to rising again by the time Clint dragged himself into Natasha's apartment. He'd gone on missions where he'd gotten a lot less sleep but panic attacks, as he was discovering, came with their own special kind of exhaustion. When he walked into Natasha's room she was sitting up cross legged on her bed reading one of her thousand romance novels. Clint had to laugh at the view of the most deadly woman in the world reading a bodice ripper. It was one he'd gotten her for the holidays a few years before. From the cracks in the spine it wasn't the first time she read it.
"Does Tony know about your collection?" He asked as he grabbed his sweats from her drawer.
"Tony? Maybe. JARVIS does I'm sure." Natasha said as she carefully placed a bookmark between the pages.
"I do know about your book collection Ms. Rushman but I do not feel the need to alert Sir." JARVIS said from the ceiling.
"Thank you JARVIS." Natasha replied.
"You are welcome Ms. Rushman."
"Tony?" Clint asked.
"He finds it amusing to remind me about my time undercover here." Natasha shrugged. Clint nodded and climbed in on his side of the bed. "How was your date?" Natasha asked, "I almost didn't expect you to be home tonight."
"It was great until I had a post sex panic attack. I got to call Dr. Geller in the morning. See if we can push up my appointment." Clint said.
"How did Charlotte react?" Natasha asked.
"Handled it like a champ. Used one of the grounding exercises that we've been working on- apparently she uses them for her students. She made me tea too."
"Hmmm, I think I will take her and Lizzy shopping this week. It will be good to get to know her better."
Clint considered arguing for a minute before deciding it was a lost cause before it started. "Let me know when you finish the file you're working on. She already told me about being an escort but I'll still read it."
"Of course. There isn't anything that stands out so far. Lots of women pay for education by doing sex work. I knew it wouldn't be a concern. Go to sleep. I'll call Dr. Geller if you're not up by noon." Natasha said as she flicked on the reading lamp on her side of the bed.
"Thanks Tash." Clint rolled over and set his hearing aids on the side of the bed before quickly slipping into sleep.
Clint didn't know how long he'd been sleeping but his internal clock told him it wasn't nearly long enough. Still his body jolted awake, his chest felt tight and restricted and his lungs burned for air. His hands clawed at his sweat soaked shirt, trying to rip it from his body. He couldn't remember whatever nightmare plagued him but his entire body felt like he'd fallen out of a plane without a parachute.
He wasn't fucking Steve for fucks sake.
Once he managed to breathe again he sucked air into his starved lungs in deep gulpfuls. He looked over to Natasha's side of the bed. She sat against the headboard as calmly as she had been when he'd gotten home. Her book was now on the nightstand next to her and if Clint didn't know her as well as he did he'd suspect she hadn't slept either.
"JARVIS- subtitles please." Clint asked. JARVIS automatically began projecting words to the ceiling.
"Of course Agent Barton." Clint could hear the muffled noise of the AI speaking out loud as the words typed themselves on the ceiling.
"Bad one?" Natasha signed.
"I don't know." Clint signed, his movements short and jerky with frustration. "Don't remember." Clint scrubbed his hand across his face. "This is why I couldn't stay at Charlotte's."
"I know. That was smart." Natasha's expression didn't change and Clint wondered if he'd attacked her in his sleep. It wouldn't be the first time for either of them. The second year Natasha was with SHIELD and the first year they were sleeping together they woke up with weapons and bruises in hand more nights than not. It was part of their fucked up neurosis.
"What if I can't ever...." Clint let his hands trail off and float in the air. He didn't want to think about it but he couldn't help but remember his two longest relationships were with his ex-wife, a SHIELD agent, and Natasha who could kick his ass three times out of five. He turned so he faced Natasha directly with the blankets pooled around both their waists. He watched several emotions blink across Natasha's face faster than he could name. It was only because of the years of their partnership that he could read her at all.
"I thought after I left the Red Room I'd be dead in three months." Natasha signed.
"You were in Sweden and you dyed your hair bright red and killed anyone who had ties to the Red Room in a four country radious." Clint pointed out, "you had a death wish."
"I did. Two years later you found me and offered me a cup of coffee." Natasha continued as if his hands hadn't interrupted hers.
"We still remember Budapest very very differently."
This time Natasha threw a pillow at him before continuing.
"I didn't think I'd ever wipe out the red in my ledger much less be anything more than a shell that used to be a girl that was now a murderer. Now I believe that I can have a life outside of SHIELD, outside of being- as you called it- a very expensive gun for hire. Before the helicarrier it'd been over three years since you attacked me after a nightmare. It will get better again."
Clint turned Natasha's words over in his head. She didn't usually show her cards and get emotional with him, and usually when she did it was to manipulate him into doing something for his own good but he knew when she was being one hundred percent sincere. It wasn't something that happened often.
"Thank you. I need to text Dr. Geller." he signed.
"Sleep more, you were only out for an hour and twenty seven minutes. You need to sleep or you'll have more panic attacks. I'll call Dr. Geller."
"Thanks Tash. Love you."
"Love you too you circus idiot."
Clint scoffed as he rolled back over and let his eyes float shut again.