Just to stop the feeling

The dance academy was always alive, roaring with the sounds of little feet stomping around trying too hard to catch their rhythm, and the voices of proud parents waiting for the hour and a half classes to be over and take their little ones home.

 The younger kids’ class had just ended, and the room smelled like floor polish, sweat and Jewels ´favorite air freshener. Suzie was leaning against the front desk, sipping on her iced coffee that was almost melted by now, observing how Jewels rounded up a few stragglers who were still twirling and, on a mission, to do the longest twirl in human history.

“Alright, you little rebels, go find your parents before I make you to the longest push up in human history” Jewels said, hands on her hips, and her voice light and teasing. The kids just giggled and scurried off, noting that pushups weren’t as fun as twirls, leaving the two of them alone in the lobby.

Suzie took a sip of her watered-down coffee and wrinkled her nose at the not so good flavor “Ugh. Warm”

Jewels plopped down next to her, resting her chin on Suzie’s shoulder dramatically “That’s what you get when you ignore your drink for an hour. Tragic, really.”

Suzie huffed but didn’t move away. She just let Jewels linger there, close enough so she could feel the warmth of her skin.

“I was busy,” Suzie defended herself “The kids needed guidance.”

Jewels snorted, “You mean that you needed to prove to a five-year-old that your jazz hands are superior?”

Suzie brought a hand to her chest and gasped very dramatically, “How dare you? My jazz hands are superior”

Jewels lifted her head just enough to look at her more clearly, with a smirk on her lips, “Yeah, yeah. Come on its lunchtime.”

The staff lounge was small but cozy, a little too warm for the afternoon sun streaming through the high windows, Crystal was off today, and Lexi was teaching the older girls, which meant for now it was just them.

They took out their lunch, Suzie had some rice and chicken, and Jewels unwrapped a sandwich that was definitely not homemade. They decided no to comment on each other’s choices anymore.

“Lexi has big ideas she wants to discuss for the end of year recital, she has choreo and all” Suzie commented

Jewels took a bite and nodded “That woman never stops huh? I would very much like hear them”

“But I think she wants us to merge styles this time” Suzie added wrinkling her nose.

Jewels laughed a little “Oh, because that worked so well last time?”

The last time they tried to make merge their dance styles, Suzie ended up tripping over her tap shoes trying one of Jewels´ dance moves, and Jewels nearly broke an ankle trying to shuffle. It ended in wheezing laugher and mutual agreement to never speak of it again.

Suzie grinned at the memory, but she pointed at Jewels “I still think you try tap again. You had potential”

Jewels smirked. “You just like to watch me struggle and be angry.”

Suzie shrugged, taking a bite of her sandwich. “Maybe, but you look particularly cute failing”

“Ha, ha. Thanks Suzanne, I appreciate you too.” Jewels responded a bit sarcastic and feigning annoyance.

The conversation was light, and familiar. But they always where aware of the other, Suzie enjoyed having Jewels´ knee brushing against her own under the table, making her laugh at every chance she got.

But neither of them thought to hard about it, it was just more fun this way, acting oblivious.

Later that they, after closing the studio, the evening was cool, it was just the beginning of January. Jewels and Suzie walked side by side, Suzie played with her keys around her finger absentmindedly, their apartment was not to far away, only a few blocks.

It was so much fun being always so close to your best friend, meeting in college, opening a business together, running a tiny but successful dance academy together, living in the same building, only a few doors away from each other. Suzie sighed; she wouldn’t have it any other way.

Neither of their lives were perfect of course, but it was close in her opinion. The only area of improvement was her love life, she had a few boyfriends in college, experimented a bit with her sexuality, but nothing meaningful or long-lasting.

Jewels on the other hand, was a little heart breaker. She enjoyed going on dates, meeting people, but never really committed to anyone, she just wanted to have good time and no more than that.

She never introduced any of her flings to Suzie, at first it bothered her, but then she understood that it was better this way, most of the time those people were a one-time only occurrence in Jewels´ life, no need to go further.

But right in this moment, neither of them had anyone, not even Jewels, and that was a little out of the ordinary, like many things with her lately. Suzie noticed Jewels was disperse, not her usual self.

While they were walking, many things came to Jewels´ mind, it should be an easy conversation. Maybe the moment to come clean was now. Hey, I got offered a job. I’m going away for a while.

But it wasn’t easy, because every time she looked at her-rambling about how one her students absolutely refused to do the routine but somehow managed to stay on beat-Jewels felt her stomach tighten.

“You should have seen her, Jewels. Just standing there little arms crossed and giving me the most unimpressed face I’ve ever seen, like she knew I couldn’t kick her out.” 

Jewels chuckled, shaking her head. “Did you try bribing her with stickers?”

“I tried! But she said, and I quote, ‘I don’t need a sticker. I already know I’m good.’”

Jewels laughed, but it came out a little too sharp. Suzie didn’t notice.

Or maybe she did, because her eyes flickered for a second and her brows furrowed “You okay? You´ve been kinda weird all day.”

Jewels felt the words of truth almost slip from her lips. I got a job offer. Its far. I might be gone for a while.

But instead, she just brushed it off and told Suzie that she was simply tired. Suzie was not convinced but she let it go, sooner or later she was going to find out what had her shiny brunette all distracted and restless.

Suzie Toot was not snooping. Jewels´ phone was being bombarded by notifications and she taught maybe was something to do with the academy and it was important, so she unblocked the phone- her fingerprint was registered on it- but it wasn’t that. Oh.

The scent of Jewels’ shampoo was lingering in the air of the room, like coconut. She was taking a long self-care shower, like she always did during their weekly sleep over.

They lived next to each other, but once a week they spent the night in one of the apartments, to cook, watch movies and cuddle. It was their sacred tradition, to remember their days as college roommates.

It was a night of excess, harmless ones but they felt very rebellious. Eating too much, sleeping too late, talking too much, having conversations that most of the time felt more fitting for midnight.

And often, they would fall asleep on the same bed, legs tangled, arms draped over the other, like it was the most platonic thing to do in the world, because for them, it was.

So, Suzie opened up the text massage conversations, and read:

Westview Dance Academy

As the contact’s name. Her stomach twisted; she could stop herself from reading the whole conversation.

It seemed that Jewels was offered a few weeks ago the opportunity to come and be a substitute dance instructor at this very very prestigious dance academy. Even though the position was minor, the pay exceeded what they made being the owners of their little dance academy in their hometown.

It was only for three months, but if they liked her work, they would offer her a permanent position as a dance teacher. And Suzie knew they would love her, she was the best at her job, so she was going away, because she accepted their offer.

And she never, once, told Suzie anything about it. She felt so hurt. She was going on Monday, this Monday. As if the devil was playing some trick on her, right when she felt the tears fill her eyes while holding her best friend´s phone, Jewels stepped out of the bathroom in her little silk baby pink pajamas.

Her beautiful long, dark and wavy hair was freshly dried, and her skin was glowing from all her expensive skincare, but it only took her one glance to understand that Suzie knew her secret now.

Jewels just froze in place and watched Suzie´s face all crumpled and red, eyes full of tears and surprise.

“…Suz,” she started, her voice low and careful.

“When were going to tell me?” Suzie´s words came out much firmer that she felt.

Jewels swallowed hard “I was going to- “

“When?” Suzie snapped. “After you left? On Monday? A text from the airport?”

Jewels exhaled sharply. “That’s not fair.”

“No, what’s not fair is that you’ve known for weeks, Jewels.” Her voice wavered, but she didn’t stop. “And I had to find out through your phone like I’m—like I’m just someone you work with. Like I don’t matter.”

Jewels ran a hand through her still wet hair, guilt all over face and movements. “That’s not what this is.”

“Then what is it?” Silence stretched between them. Suzie’s grip on the phone tightened.

“This—” Jewels gestured between them, exhaling like the words physically pained her. “This academy, it’s ours. I know that. I know what it means. I know what we built. But this… this is an opportunity, Suzie.”

Suzie’s breath hitched. “An opportunity to leave me, our business?” Jewels flinched.

Suzie was trying so hard to remain the calmest possible, to voice her anger but not end up a sobbing and blabbering mess, but it was becoming almost an impossible task to accomplish.

“Because that what it feels like, Jewels. You are abandoning our thing, you are taking a piece of it and tearing it away, and I don’t even get a say? The academy is my baby too”

“You do get a say,” Jewels shot back, stepping closer. “You always get a say, it’s not secure yet, is just a few months.”

“Then why does it feel like you already made up your mind, you are leaving in two days for gods’ sake. You probably hid the suitcases, didn’t you?”

Jewels was quiet again, and that silence was the answer.

Suzie let out a hurt chuckle, that made Jewels feel like the worst friend in the world, “God, I can’t believe this.” She shook her head and looked away, blinking the tears away.

“It’s not forever” Jewels tried to affirm her, give her some hope. Suzie just scoffed, “But it could be” and Jewels didn’t deny it.

Suzie stepped back, voice quieter now. “I thought we had something real here.”

Jewels’ expression softened, pain flickering behind her eyes. “We do.”

“Then why are you running from it? I thought what we had was perfect, all we both wanted”

Jewels inhaled sharply, like she was about to say something, something important, but then she hesitated. Stepped back. Put that damn distance between them again.

And that—more than anything—was what made Suzie’s stomach drop.

She let out a shaky breath. “Go, then.”

Jewels’ brows furrowed. “Suzie—”

“Go.” Suzie’s voice was quiet, broken. “If you’re gonna leave, just—just do it, ok baby. You know I just want you to be happy, rigth?”

That baby hurt Jewels ‘heart, she knew Suzie used it to smooth the situation down, to hold herself together for a moment longer and avoid being the one to clip her wings, always so loyal and considerate of Jewels ‘feelings, brushing away her own.

The apartment was quiet now, the storm had passed, but the weight of the whole discussion still lingered in the air, in their chests, in the space between them.

Neither of them spoke as they moved through the motions of their weekly sleepover, a routine built over years—brushing their teeth side by side in the tiny bathroom, slipping into comfortable clothes, moving around each other like they had done a thousand times before. But tonight, everything felt different.

Suzie didn’t know why she still expected Jewels to climb into bed with her. Maybe because they always did. Even when they fought, even when they were younger and stubborn and stupid, they never let the night separate them. And tonight was no different.

Jewels hesitated for only a moment before finally slipping under the covers beside her. Close. Close enough that Suzie could feel the warmth of her body, the familiar scent of her shampoo, the way her breathing wasn’t as even as it usually was.

Suzie closed her eyes. Tried to will herself to sleep. But the tears came before she could stop them. Silent at first, then shaking. Then uncontrollable.

Jewels turned immediately. “Suzie.” Her voice was so, so soft. Suzie didn’t answer.

Jewels shifted closer, hesitated for only a second before pressing a gentle kiss to her temple, then another to her cheek. Her thumb brushed away a tear.

“I don’t—” Jewels started but stopped herself. Exhaled shakily. “I didn’t wanted to hurt you like this, but I feel like it’s for the best, for the both of us”

Suzie let out a broken little laugh. “Then why does it feel like shit?” Jewels was quiet for a long time. “I don’t know.”

Suzie rolled over, curled into Jewels’ warmth, her forehead pressing against her collarbone. She didn’t want to do this anymore. Didn’t want to keep talking, didn’t want to hold onto something only to feel it slip through her fingers.

“Hold me,” she whispered instead. “Just hold me. The whole night.” Jewels’ arms tightened around her instantly, like she was afraid to let go.

Suzie took a deep, trembling breath, memorizing the way it felt. The way this felt.

“So I can remember,” she whispered. “So, I can remember what it feels like when you’re gone.”

Jewels made a sound like her heart was breaking. But she didn’t argue. Didn’t try to fix it. She just held her.

She knew this was hurting her best friend and platonic soulmate, but she promised herself that this was the right thing to do, she loved Suzie so much, that she had to let her go, grow and make her own dream come true, and for that, Jewels had to be far away.

She knew that Suzie would never take the first step, so she was going to this for her, for the both of them, Suzie always prioritized her, that she put herself in second place when they were together, so by being away, she would help Suzie a lot more than staying and tying her down.