Spider-Man/Deadpool - "I Did A Pregnancy Test"
“I did a pregnancy test.”
Wade was standing in the middle of the room as Peter entered, a strangled look on his face.
Peter blinked at him. Walked over to the counter and dropped the shopping bags down. Started unpacking.
“Didn’t you hear me?” Wade almost shrieked.
Peter took a deep breath, leant against the counter. “Wade.”
Wade was pleading him with his eyes. “Please don’t leave me.”
Peter gave him a skeptical look. “You’re….’pregnant’.”
Wade nodded, wringing his hands.
Peter looked him over and sighed, crossing the room to give him a hug.
“You’re not pregnant,” he told him softly.
“I am,” Wade told him. “I did like fifty pregnancy tests.”
“You’re a guy.”
“Backaches,” Deadpool started listing. “Headaches, tender breasts. Morning sickness.”
“You’re not pregnant.” Peter’s face scrunched up. That list sounded- “Are you quoting Jake and Amir.”
Wade blinked at him. “Well yes,” he told him, “when I figured out I could be pregnant I went to a reliable source-”
“A comedic webseries for college students.”
Wade nodded as if Peter wasn’t pointing out a huge flaw in his plan.
“But I did the pregnancy tests correctly,” he informed Peter. “I’ve watched too many dramas to mess up that part.”
“I’m going to strangle you.”
“The mother of your unborn child?”
Peter groaned and grabbed his hands. “Have you been in contact with any weird magic lately.”
Wade shook his head.
“Have you switched genders or anything?”
Wade shook his head again.
“Wade, you are male. You don’t have a womb.”
“We have room.”
Peter glared at him. “Now you’re quoting Big Train.”
“I can’t help it,” Wade wailed. “I’m scared.”
Peter closed his eyes and opened them again. “How far along do you think you are?”
“I don’t know, a few weeks?”
“Right.” Peter disappeared into the bedroom.
“Please don’t be packing your things, please don’t be packing your things.”
Peter came back with an instrument in hand. “This is basically a life form scanner,” he told Wade. “Stay still.” He pressed the button.
A few seconds later it beeped.
“Well??”
Peter raised an eyebrow. “Yeah, you’re not pregnant. And just for kicks,” he pressed another button, and it beeped again. “Yeah, no womb, you’re physically incapable of getting pregnant.”
Wad clasped his hands together in silence.
Then he jumped into Peter’s arms. “We’re not pregnant!” he squealed.
Peter rolled his eyes.
“You won’t have to get a second job, I won’t have to quit mine, we won’t have to quit our deviant ways.”
“That wasn’t going to happen anyway.”
“Oooh, Peter,” he swooned. “I need you to be gentle, this pregnancy scare has really taken it out of me.”
Peter sighed and kissed the top of his head.