Chapter 9
Slowly, Loki opened his eyes. Feeling how swollen they were, he remembered his breakdown, how exhausted he had suddenly become and just laid down right here on the kitchen floor, crying himself to sleep. Embarrassment flooded him, at how he had allowed Anthony yet again to influence his life, even after Loki had sworn to himself to ban the genius from his every thought and to no longer give him power over his emotions.
Failed.
There it was again, this dark voice in his head that - even though he hated to admit it - was always right. All Loki did was failing. He himself was a failure! No matter what he did, no matter where he went, he destroyed everything and people everywhere acted accordingly.
Thor, who had known this since they were children and always abandoned him to play with his friends, better people.
The Allfather, who always prefered Thor no matter what he did and had been harsher on Loki when they were children because he too knew what the raven haired Prince was.
The people of the Court. Thor’s warrior friends. The guards. All of them had always known no matter how hard Loki had tried. They had sneered at him, rattled him out, insulted and blamed him regardless of his action.
And even now on Midgard they all knew and all hated him because of it. He had hoped so hard that it would have been different, but no one liked him. Period. Everyone saw right through him, saw this ugly darkness inside of him and turned against him. He should have been used to it by now, really.
So what if the common people of Asgard had loved their younger prince. What if they had been nice and kind to him, that didn't mean it would be the same in Earth. The People back home just hadn't interacted with him often enough to reject him, that was the only reason, really!
Stupid, stupid, stupid, to get his hopes up and for believing in finding acceptance from the people of the same world he had tried conquer, not too long ago.
Loki sighed. All he wanted was for the pain in his heart to go away. To not feel it anymore. Maybe.. Maybe if he felt a real, physical pain, then.. Maybe then it would stop for a while?
In his clouded mind this thought began to sound more and more like a good idea, until it was the only one left in his head. So, like a junkie trying to get his next fix, Loki stalked to the cabinet where he kept the sharp knives, took the first one he saw and then settled back down on the cold kitchen floor, leaning his back against the cupboard. He pushed more than rolled his sleeves up and then - finally - pressed the blade against his pale skin.
The red of the warm blood looked dark against the porcelain colour of his arm. Beautiful it was, almost like art, Loki thought as he relished the pain. It felt like at last he could breathe again, like the restriction in his chest slowly lifted and his heart could finally beat normally again. It was such a relief that new tears sprang to his eyes as he pressed the knife into his flesh anew.
Loki wouldn't have been able to tell how long he had just sat there after, just soaking in the pain and enjoying the burning feeling it left. Could have been minutes, could have been hours, but the prince didn't really care all that much. For the first time in days he had the control back and that thought lifted his spirits high. He kept sitting on the floor for some more minutes before he decided to get up. Admittedly, the sticky blood on his forearm wasn't exactly what Loki would describe as nice, but it was worth it! So he made his way to the sink and waited for the water to be lukewarm before he held his arm under it and tried to rub the dried red layer off. Not wholly prepared for the sting he hissed when he first pressed on the wound but adapted quickly and was gentler after. Sure, he could have just magicked it all away, but that wasn't really the point of it, was it? The pain was only half of it, remembering was the other part. He wanted and needed the wounds to remind him and keep him strong. He wasn't sure yet if they would scar or just fade away with time - he was a god and those had only been knives made by mortals after all - but at least for the time it would take to heal they would ground him. Suddenly a grin made his way on his face, he felt so much lighter now! He was ready to face the world again!
The first thing he did, was go to the bathroom to take a shower. Sometimes he missed the luxurious baths of Asgard. Sure, showers were more practical but that was all there were to them, really. So after a quick washing he dried himself off with a big, green towel and then looked in the mirror. The first thing on his list was shaving, because as much as he sometimes liked beard on others, he hated it on his own face! So once his skin was smooth again, he felt like himself once more. Now he could focus on how sunken in his face looked, how red and puffed out his eyes and how chaotic and tangled his hair was. The wet mob of black hair on his head was easily fixable with a bit of brushing and a bit more patience, but for the rest, so he decided, only a glimmer would help. A couple of minutes later, Loki looked in the mirror again and was satisfied with his appearance. He was now wearing tight black jeans and a dark green sweater over it. His dark hair wasn't wet anymore and fell in wavy locks over his shoulders. And thanks to the glamour he cast his whole face looked vibrant now. Ready to slay,he thought grinning to himself as he made his way over to the front door. He put on his black boots, the dark brown trench coat, pocketed the keys and then, with a final look around, left his flat.
Maybe it wasn't beautiful outside with the wind and the clouds in the sky shielding the sun, but to Loki it was perfect anyway. He walked through the empty streets to the small park at the end of the village and sat down on a bank. He rested there for hours, just enjoying the outside, glad he didn't feel the cold and was immune to the biting wind. And when sometimes his thoughts threatened to waver back into dangerous territory and Loki pressed onto the deep cuts in his arm to feel the pain again and ground himself back to the here and now, well then no one was around to see and it was nobody's business anyway!