Chapter 3
Dark. There was no light at all. Just total darkness. But Loki didn't care. His sight would have been blurry from all the tears, after all, so why bother. He was just laying there, pretending to be dead. Even if death would have been a mercy. Because no matter how painful death would be to him, there was no way it would hurt more than this. Loki had been punished before. Tortured before. And betrayed before, by the few friends he had, but never had it been like this. Never before had someone used this much skill and time and patience just to destroy it all without even having to say a single word. Loki hated this. How he felt right now. And all of this crying and sobbing, but he couldn't stop himself. His heart was bleeding. Anthony had ripped it apart. He felt so small. He felt so hollow , when at the same time all of him hurt, all of those feelings and sadness and agony forced him to acknowledge the pain and made him think about it. When at the same time, he was so full of feels that he all but wanted to scream and scream and never stop, because he couldn't bear it. Couldn't bear the dreadful thought of living like this for the rest of his sad life. Or if you could call it living. For how could he live, when he wasn't whole anymore, when a part of him was missing and would never come back.
Loki didn't have an answer. He tried to stop his brain from thinking, because with every passing second everything became even more terrifying. Life without Tony. But how could one ban his mind from wandering around.
He knew it had to happen sooner or later. Loki wasn't like Tony, not at all. He wasn't all of those perfect things, the mortal was. And he certainly did not fit into his world, either. Anthony's world was glamour and money. It was parties, sex and brilliant technologies. But it certainly wasn't cuddling, talking about everything and nothing at all, remembering normal eating hours to have meals together, watching stupid cheesy movies, going for walks just holding hands, being watched in his workshop cause Loki just loved to see him concentrated and all working, he always was so beautiful when he tried to figure out whatever puzzle was still unsolved and the content glee in his eyes when he had made yet another genius discovery. And the moment he just remembered again that Loki was still in the lab-
That moment would never happen again. How could he have been so stupid? How could he have not seen how this wasn't was Tony needed? How Loki, stupid dumb Loki, wasn't what Tony needed, at all? Why hadn't he just changed, pretended to love those excessive parties, those expensive presents and restaurants. Why had he insisted on romantic evenings with just kisses and soft touches when he easily could have just given in to what ever Tony wanted, was it short, rough sex in the kitchen or a slow blow job on the couch. Why had he been so stupid. He could have been all Tony needed, as Tony was all Loki needed himself, right now, but he had acted too slow, and when he had finally realized that the genius was distancing himself from Loki, it had already been too late. He had still tried, waited up for hours hoping to surprise Tony, planing special dates just to be informed by JARVIS that “Sir won't make it today” . And when he had been home, Tony had been in his lab or otherwise busy, no matter what Loki tried.
It was several weeks until Loki finally realized that it had probably less to do with how busy Tony was with the Avengers and Stark Industries but more with just how he didn't want Loki anymore. Loki was devastated and even though he had promised himself he would never ever be dependent on anyone ever again, not ever give his heart completely away again, he knew he was lost. He told himself, one more time and he would leave, but every evening, every night, every lonely Sunday morning, he said again, just once more. One last chance. He hoped so bad that he was wrong, that it was really just work, that he could trust Anthony and that he wouldn't be lied to when he said that he loved him, but then, one day, he tried to surprise his lover at work just to find out that he wasn't even there. That was the moment when Loki had to accept that it was, in fact, him. He persuaded himself to stay a bit longer, that maybe it was just a phase that would pass, once the mortal realized that Loki was a reliable constant in his life, but that day never seemed to come. So he told himself, one more time. And he was so afraid, because he knew this one last chance would pass very soon. In fact, he practically begged Tony to come home early hoping he would, still trying to believe that there was nothing behind his absence, but of course he didn't. He agreed to, but he still didn't return to the god in his bed. And so Loki just knew that he was history. In the bad sense of the word. And he still loved Anthony, his sweet Anthony, with all of his heart, so he decided to not make a scene but just leave silently, instead. Because maybe that was the reason why he didn't end it officially? The fear of Loki falling back into old habits, doing something evil, acting up to forcefully get attention? But the sad and honest truth was, Loki was too broken for those playful, mischievous schemes. So Anthony wouldn't need to worry about that, he would just be gone, without a trace, not bothering anyone anymore.
The god packed his things by hand, torturing himself with all of those sentiments and after one last look around, one last look on his cell – no call from Anthony, of course – that he would be leaving behind, the photos on it just too many painful memories and it was rightfully Tony's after all, he summoned his magic and teleported himself to no specific destination, really.
Loki didn't want to leave. He really didn't. But what other choice did he have? He wasn't wanted anymore. And he loved Tony too much to be a bother to him. The other Avengers, they had been nice, of course, the had started to talk to him and invite him, too but- how could he force his Beloved to interact with him, just to humor people who were his friends first, anyway?
Once arrived in the total darkness – which he was grateful for to his seidr – he finally allowed himself to break down. He had tried to avoid showing his pathetic crying in front of the A.I. as much as possible. And in retrospect, he should have always just worn a mask at the tower, but stupid stupid Loki could now remember at least three occasions where he had screamed at the invisible servant and demanded to be told where Anthony was and there were the four times he knew for sure when he had cowered on the floor, sobbing, begging the same invisible servant to just allow Loki to see the engineer once this day, but there had been no answer. And now, it was too late.
Sober. It was as if all of the alcohol in his system had just been whisked away by this one thought. Where was Loki? Instantly he regretted to have stayed this long, thinking of his beautiful Loki, pouting somewhere here in the tower all alone, being just pissed enough to choose to sleep on the couch himself, but never forcing Tony to do so – and yes, that was all Loki, sweet, loving, understanding Loki, who always tried to please the others around him even as he was angry. Tony sighed. He would have to apologize in the morning, probably. He hated to apologize. But Nat was right, he had been kinda sorta nasty to his lover, leaving without him and not coming back as promised, but it had been just perfect with his friends, surely Loki would understand that, right? He knew that he had maybe a bit neglected Loki those last weeks, but work had been stressful and the Avengers had all of those missions and briefings and Tony also needed some time for himself, in his lab, and socializing with his friends, Loki knew that. And okay, maybe he hadn't exactly encouraged Loki to come with him tonight, but a guy also needed time with his friends, without the better half always tagging along, right? Loki also could go meet with his friends, hell he probably did all the time, or was he just sitting in this fucking tower 24/7! And it wasn't as if there were other people around, on their Team Nights... well... a sudden guilt flushed through Tony, thinking about hot-guy – he still didn't know his name. He tried to bury the unasked for feeling, but found that he couldn't. The fuck?! Well, maybe he really should apologize to Loki in the morning, but not those angry ones which always ended in a stupid fight and more sleeping alone in the cold bed – still, Loki being too polite and considerate to force Anthony on the couch – no, maybe he should do one of those flowers-and-breakfast-in-bed apologies. And probably buy some expensive jeweleries. Everyone loved expensive gifts, right? Especially pretty princesses like Loki, even though pretending they didn't!
And then, reality hit him in form of a throbbing headache and put a sudden halt to those thoughts. Tomorrow , he decided and after finding some carefully provided painkillers on the nightstand next to his bed – probably from Loki, who else – he all but fell back in bed and tried to ignore the bad feeling deep in his stomach, telling himself it had nothing to do with his guilt and all with the alcohol.