comfortably alone

winter sluggishly sits up in bed. the window barely lights the room from the dawn's light. she rubs her eye, then slouches and sighs. it was less cold in her room, but she had to use the bathroom, meaning she has to go through the cold living room to reach it. she sighed again when she gets to her door, remembering why there's furniture in front of it. she pushes it back from the door as quietly as she could, although the scraping sound was still echoing. she stills, listening for any movement on the other side of the door. 

slowly opening the door, she peeks out. the windows illuminate the cabin just enough, making ellie's body shape visible. winter lightly walks out into the living room, her door creaking some. she walks closer to ellie, turning her head and leaning to her side to try and see ellie's face. ellie had drawn to blanket up over her nose, shaking while she was asleep. from her curled up position, winter assumed it got too cold but ellie hadn't asked for anything. 

winter scans the parts of the room she can see, her eyes landing on two jackets slumped on the side of the blanket rack. she glances back at ellie before walking over and grabbing them, laying one on ellie's feet and the other on her lap. she was careful enough to ease them down on her, trying her hardest to not wake the other. she then tip toed over to the bathroom, shutting the door and being as quick as possible. after she washed her hands she waited to open the bathroom door, again listening for any movement. 

once back in her room she got into her bed as quickly as possible, huddling in the slightly warm blankets. she tries listening for outside noises, but didn't manage to stay up too long.

loud banging woke winter up, slight deja vu from the night before. like before, her heart started racing, eyes flickering over her room. 

"oh.. no no." panic rose in winter's chest when she realizes she left her bat in the kitchen last night. she tip toes to her dresser, grabbing the small pocket knife and flipping it out. she felt like crying as she notices how small it actually was, doubting it'd help her much.

"e-ellie?.. ellie?" she shouts, not very loud, but loud enough to be heard in the living room. there was no answer, just some scraping noises and a few more bumps. winter's breath picked up, chest heaving as she tries to think about any defense moves her dad taught her. she was partly worried if ellie was ok, partly wanting ellie to be there as she seems to be better at self defense, but also partly hoped she'd already left.

"ellie?!" she shouts, her voice shaking. she holds the knife in her fist as her whole body shakes with anxiety. then she heard a door open and shut and quick footsteps coming toward her room. she lets out a whimper as the door slams open, but it wasn't a random person or infected. ellie's worried eyes meet winter's wide ones. ellie looks at the knife that winter was holding, putting one hand out to motion winter to put it down.

"are you ok? are you hurt?" ellie's voice was worried, matching her facial expressions. she looks around the room and looks over winter's body as she waits for the others response. winter shakes her head, breathing slowing as she realizes ellie made the sounds.

"you didn't answer when i called out to you, i thought something bad was happening.." winter still hadn't moved her knife down from pointing at ellie. ellie glances at the knife again, relaxing her shoulders and slowly walking toward winter. she uses her stretched out arm to lightly touch winter's hand, flinching when winter did. she stares at winter, who seemed to still be unsure. again she lightly presses onto winter's hand, taking another step forward. 

"i'm sorry. i thought i could fix the window before i leave, i finished right as i heard you. i'm sorry, okay? nothings wrong." ellie nods to her, a somewhat nervous glance back down at the knife in the others hand. winter's eyes flicker in between ellie's eyes, her face relaxing from her scared expression. she nods slightly, lowering her hand. she continued breathing fast though, her non-sleepy brain angry at herself for letting someone stay with her. she wanted to groan at how stupid she'd been last night.

ellie clears her throat, looking around. 

"you didn't block the door?" ellie asks. winter shakes her head.

"i did earlier. i just left the room last night." winter says. she watches as ellie's lips form a smirk. ellie narrows her eyes at winter.

"you came out to check on me?" her smirk got bigger as winter blushed. winter scoffed back from annoyance and a small amount of embarrassment. she holds her knife pointed at ellie again.

"you're so full of yourself, you know that? you're making me regret not attacking you when you came through the door." winter mumbles as ellie raises her eyebrows, still smiling. she hums.

"i doubt you would, you care enough about me to check on me." ellie hit winter's hand down. winter lets her arm fall, scoffing again and putting the knife on her nightstand before turning to the other.

"i had to use the bathroom. i was checking to see if your ego had exploded your head already." she rolls her eyes and walks past ellie out into the living room. she hears ellie follow. winter puts a thick jacket on and boots, then walks over the to backdoor. she bends down to look at the once busted window panel, which now has a poorly chopped 'plank' of wood nailed on from the inside.

"did you really axe a log to fix it?" she turns to ellie, slightly impressed, but also annoyed that they had to use the nails from the last box in storage. ellie's 'tsk tsk' behind winter makes her roll her eyes again.

"yes, actually two. the scraps are in the fireplace already, but i couldn't find a hammer so i used a rock. looks pretty good, huh?" ellie's proudness carries through her voice clearly. 

"mm, come." ellie nods back, walking out with winter. she walks over to the woodpile, looking at ellie and motioning down. ellie's eyes follow the direction of the others hand, landing on the hammer leaning against the woodpile. ellie looks embarrassed for a second before shyly laughing and scratching the back of her neck.

"c'mon, how was i supposed to see that in between the house and pile? using a rock is cooler anyways.." ellie mumbles behind winter, following her more down a path just off the side of the porch. winter hums a 'mhm' back, chuckling.

"why are you not leaving, don't cocky people always have somewhere to be?" she throws an expecting face over her should at ellie. 

"where are we going?" ellie ignores her. 

"mm where am i going, correction. you are going to leave." winter says, more annoyed that the other girl is still behind her.

"i'm curious about you. plus what if there ar-" loud clucking of winter's chickens interrupts her, "wait are those chickens?" there was a perkiness in her voice, speeding up her walk to be beside winter on the path.

"yeah.. they're actually usually not that loud, you should go. they sense your bad juju." they came to a metal fence and gate. winter unlocks it, opening it and quickly turning to shut it before ellie comes in too. ellie stumbles back, shooting an annoyed glare to winter who smirks.

"i don't have bad juju.."

"i expect for you to be gone by the time i'm back inside. goodbye, ellie. don't come back." she fake smiles and waves. ellie still glares back, sighing and folding her arms. winter makes a 'shoo' motion, watching ellie turn on her heel and walking back up the path.

 winter felt relief, relaxing her shoulders and quietly sighing. she continues to walk toward the chicken coop and fenced in yard. she started hearing groaning as she got closer, groaning of infected. she watches the infected walk around the back side of the chicken coop, still distracted by the chickens who were squawking at it. her eyes widen, realizing she didn't bring a weapon with her outside. she'd like to blame ellie, it seems easier than accepting she was having a dumb streak. she was always so careful. 

winter tries to quietly reach the horse stables but the door was already open, sliding it open more grabbed the infected's attention, suddenly running towards her. the horses started making noise at the scene in front of them, huffing out. she darts to where she keep some tools, flinching as as few tools fell out onto the ground after she pulled a crowbar out quickly. she still had a hard time hurting the infected, but something about them not looking fully human made it easier in her head. she lets out a shaky breathes she turns and sees the infected racing through the barn to her. she braces herself, giving a hardy blow to the infected's head, stepping back after. all her hit did was knock it back, still swinging it's arms to grab her. 

winter grunts loudly as she stumbles on the tools on the ground, sending her falling back and dropping the crowbar. the infected crawling on top of her quickly. she kicks her legs, trying to get it off her, but failing as it sits on top he thighs. it tries clawing at her face, then leaning down, the tendrils floating out of its mouth trying to connect to her skin. she whimpers while pushing on it's shoulders. she glances to her side, searching and finding where the crowbar fell. she looks back at it before pushing it as hard as she could, making it fall backwards. as she got her leg free she kicks it in the face, using the small time she had to turn and reach for the crowbar. 

winter couldn't reach it, turning back to the infected when she feels it start crawling on her again. she lets out a cry, thrashing against it. she couldn't help but stare at the horrifying sight of the tendrils getting closer to her face. she gasps loudly when a knife sheaths itself through the infected's skull, making liquid splatter on her shirt as it drips down. it stills, the knife making a squishing sound as it's pulled back. it's body falls on top of winter, making her whimper again and harshly push it off her. she crawls backwards, chest heaving and sweat dripping down her forehead.

winter slowly looks up, ellie stares at her with mouth open. 

"are you bit? come here." ellie rushes out, squatting and holding winter's jaw in her hand as she turns her head side to side. she looks over winter's body, moving her arms around to check and then checking her ankles. "nowhere?.. winter? hello?" ellie furrows her eye brows, and winter swears she sees genuine panic and worry in her eyes.

"i'm fine, i'm fine." winter bats ellie's hand away, shaking her head. ellie held her stare into winter's eyes, not moving back. 

"bad. juju. i told you to leave, ellie." an annoyed tone in her voice. she lightly pushes ellie back, scrambling to stand. she gives ellie a glare, looking around the barn, avoiding looking at the body lying on the floor.

"aren't you so glad i didn't." she smiles back making the other sigh. winter shakes her head back.

"no i'd just like you to leave, honestly, but while you trespassed did you happen to see a brown and white spotted horse? literally can't miss him, he's massive." winter asks while noticing she only sees three. she rushes over to clam them down, checking each stall.

"no, i wasn't even aware you had any." ellie shrugs. winter hums, comforting the next horse and shushing them.

"four. there's only three here." winter tried not to show the worry that was setting in. she went on to the third, trying to pet their nose and shushing them. ellie shuffles over to the last stall, the door to it open with no horse inside. winter groans, she tried not to think about the bad possibilities. 

"i'll help." ellie says, enjoying the situation a little too much for winter's taste. 

"then help and drag the body outside of the fence over that way, she waves her hand to the back barn door. ellie salutes winter with a smile.

winter walks out the other way, scanning the field while she heard fainting grunts and scraping sounds behind her. she starts walking out more, whistling out which meant food time. she hears a faint gasp somewhere on the other side of the barn. just as she walks around the corner she bumps into ellie, who had a face full of pity making winter's stomach twist. she feels a lump form in her throat, way too familiar with the feeling than she wants to be. she tries clearing her throat, but her breath hitches.

"where?" winter whispers, eyes filling with tears and clouding her vision. ellie nods over her should, stepping to the side for winter to walk.

the sight made winter's stomach drop, the tears falling and she starts sniffling. at this moment she doesn't try to not cry, briskly walking to the horse lying on the ground. the animal was surrounded by it's own blood, still alive and making small, quiet noises of pain, gasping for air, and weakly kicking it's legs. bite marks all over his neck and front legs burned into winter's mind. winter stops by it's side, crouching and putting her head in her hands. she lets a sob leave her, feeling the warm tear fall down her cold cheeks. 

ellie hesitates, but leans slightly and softly puts her hand on top of winter's head. winter let out another sob at the feeling, ellie petting her head and humming lowly. winter rubs her face then wipes her tears, turning to look up at ellie. the other's heart clenches at the sight.

"i know it's a lot to ask.. but i can't-" winter pauses, looking back at the horse, "i can't d-do it.. i don't want him to suffer, please ellie." she whimpers. "he was all i had left of him.. he was my dad's before everything. he's old and i love him too much." winter doesn't look at ellie, the shame of crying in front of a stranger setting in. she didn't see ellie nod, but watched ellie walk closer behind the horses head. she sits on her knees, leaning back and grabbing her knife from her pocket. she lifts his head into her lap, softly petting his head a few times. once winter heard the knife blade flip out she closed her eyes tight, putting her hands over them. she cries harder after hearing the sound of it entering the horses head.

suddenly ellie is back by her side, squatting down and tucking winter's hair behind her ear. winter uncovers her eyes when she calms a bit, starting to crawl over to the horse's body. she sit's by his chest behind his front legs. her hand slowly going to touch him, hesitating for a moment.

"i'm so sorry, i'm sorry." she mumbles to his body, lips quivering as she drops her head down.

"i can dig the grave, winter. i'll do what you need right now." winter knows ellie is trying to be nice, but her pained heart is turning to anger. not necessarily at ellie, but the world and how messed up and unfair it could be. she looks over to ellie, she awkwardly stands feet away, rubbing one of her arms. winter is trying her hardest to hold back an angry face, knowing it isn't exactly fair to take out her anger on ellie. 

"my dad dug the years ago, he didn't expect them to make it this far." her voice trails off. "ellie, i think you should really go. i don't need or want you here." she stands up, watching as ellie's face falls, rejection written all over it. part of winter feels so guilty, but ellie said she'd do what she needs, that's what she needs. she wants to go back to the comfort of the welcoming loneliness.

ellie slowly and slightly nods. she takes a few steps back, letting her gaze fall to the floor before turning and hastily walking away. winter sighs in defeat, tears coming back. however she remembers the voice of her father telling her 'every life leaves at some point and the best we can do is adapt quickly'. she sniffles, wiping her snot and tears away. 

"oh, bud." she whispers. although she could use the help of ellie carrying him with her, she chooses to push him herself. 'at least it'll take up my time' she thinks. 

winter first fed the animals, coming back to the horses body later. she spent probably five hours pushing and pulling his body before taking a break, letting go of his leg and falling back onto the grass. she felt emotionally exhausted, looking up into the clear sky.

ellie's things were gone when she came back, bowls in the kitchen sink, blankets folded, jackets hung on hooks on the wall, and a small piece of torn paper with writing on it on her bed.

'i didn't want to snoop too much, but good job hiding the guns. couldn't find them. hold them for me? you can leave them outside out front if you don't want to see me. i do runs twice a month so i'll pass this area again.

-ellie' 

the terrible hand writing made winter have a small smile sneak on her face. 'matches her perfectly' winter thought, but as she reaches her closet and stands on the step stool she sees the clothes on top of the guns flipped up a bit. obviously ellie had seen them, making winter roll her eyes at how persistent ellie was on seeing her again. winter now felt annoyed that she didn't just take them back with her. 

she carried the outside, leaving them in a bush out front, sticking out enough to tell they were there. the metal made winter's skin get goosebumps, it felt so wrong holding something so dangerous. she spent the rest of the night, honestly the rest of the week, trying to forget any memory of ellie. trying to forget losing the second most important thing to her dad. she let herself sink back into the emotionless life she made after her dad left.

-

it had been a whole month without ellie coming back, the guns still in the bush. she ignored the occasional thoughts of what happened to ellie, but found herself checking the bush everyday. some bit inside herself wished to see her again, the only human she's interacted with from the outside world. she thought more about the apple though, sometimes making her stomach growl or mouth water. she never thought about it before, but suddenly the regular food she had seemed so bland and boring.  

it's warmed up outside, everything turning bright and deep greens, sprouting flowers, and the wheat started growing back fuller. it's been muggy for about a week now which made winter sweat extra hard at the end of the day. the sounds of the wildlife around the cabin brung a bit happiness back in her life, reminded of days and nights her and her dad would spend sitting outside together. she even let herself cry fully a few times, some progress in grieving.

one evening as she was fixing a tear in her clothes she heard a muffled voice out front.

"ow, shit! goddamn it.." and more mumbling. winter got up and turned off the lights, walking lightly to the window next to the door. she opens the curtains the tiniest bit, looking around. she didn't see anything for a few seconds, only heard some shuffling, but then she sees ellie stand straight, brushing her clothes off and bending back down. she came up again with her pistol in her belt and the other back to being strapped behind her. 

ellie looks around the tree line, then pulling her backpack off and in front of her. she riffled through her bag until she found the lid and bowl winter gave her. she gently puts it on the porch with a note in it. she steps back, again looking around before going back into the forest, brush leaves moving behind her. 

winter waits a few seconds, coming out to open the bowl while sitting on the porch floor. she felt uneasy but ignored the feeling. all the note had on it was a smiley face, which sadly made her smile also. she takes the paper with her, leaving the bowl and running inside. she ran to the carrots growth bin and grabbed one, twisting it out and going over to pull a beet out too. she brushes dirt off of them, hurrying to wash the carrot off and scrapping any roots on it off. she then tore a page out of a notepad on the counter, scribbling words on it quickly.

'only wash the beet before eating, if you do before it will rot quicker.'

winter ran back out front, maybe a bit too eager. she put the veggies in the bowl along with the note, closing it and putting it on the last step of the porch. she shuffled inside, closing the door then going back to peek out the curtain. she waited a few minutes, starting to feel a bit unhappy when she started thinking ellie had already left. then by some chance she sees ellie start leaving the brush, walking quickly over to the bowl. she opens it, unfolding the note first. a small smile showed on her face. she then put the note in her pocket and shuts the bowl, shoving it into her bag. 

ellie glances over her shoulder back at the cabin, but it was quick and she disappeared back into the trees.

winter had a lingering smile on her face for the rest of the night and every time she'd think about it after. she never realized just how boring life actually is, how long the days were, how the isolation has actually made her more sad than she's admitting. she tried also pushing that down, but everyday she felt herself hoping more and more that ellie would pass through. she doesn't know what her plan would be, but she just hoped.

-

it ended up being two more months before she saw ellie, half annoyed ellie had lied about passing through more often. but then again she totally pushed her away, even now she's not sure she's ready to lean into any friendship with anyone. she definitely felt giddy, she couldn't deny that.

winter didn't like why she showed up though. loud knocks rang through the house, winter ran and grabbed her bat. she slowed her breathing this time, holding the bat ready to swing, and cracked the door open. 

ellie was hold her side, hand and shirt soaked in blood, a pained expression under the smile she gave. she switched her weight over to her other foot, throwing the guns on the grass off the porch. winter's eyes follow the objects, darting back over to ellie. her eyebrows drew together, and she opened the door more.

"what happened?" she says, still raking her eyes over all the blood. ellie chuckles weakly.

"funny story, i was coming here to drop off bread and about four miles away some guys were talking of a cabin. they'd been watching you from what i gathered." ellie's words honestly scared winter, but she could sense it wasn't time for getting into that.

"okay?.. so?" winter says.

"stuff happened, can you just give me like an old shirt so i can tie this off? i feel light headed." ellie had a pleading stare. winter nods a little, stepping away for ellie to come inside. ellie goes to sit on the floor, but winter spoke before she could.

"go sit on the toilet lid, i'll be there in a minute." ellie didn't bother making any snarky comments yet, just agreeing and listening to winter. winter quickly went through her old tees, finding a purple one and cutting it with her knife, through the middle to make a tube and then cutting down for a strip. she reached the bathroom, ellie sat on the toilet with her shirt off. the gash in her side was probably three inches below her sports bra and maybe four inches wide. winter had to peel her wide eyes away, trying to process a shirtless woman was sitting in front of her and trying to process how gnarly the cut was.

winter shook her head, doing her best to focus. she reached into the cabinet under the sink, grabbing a bottle of old vodka and a first aid kit. she turns back to ellie.

"um.. do you want me to..?" her voice trails off as she avoids looking at ellie's body, instead looking at the floor.

"respectfully, i think i'll pass out from the blood loss before i'd finish it. do you know how to clean cuts?" winter pulled her eyebrows together in a slightly shocked expression.

"ellie thats a full gash mark, not just a cut. i haven't cleaned one that bad before." ellie nods back, showing she's listening.

"if you see any cloth or debris in it just try to tweeze it out of dig it out in whatever way you can. only uh, yeah only put the alcohol on spots with dirt to clean it out. only. if it's all over the cut it won't heal right. do you know how to do stitches?" winter shakes her head quickly. "that's okay. yeah ok.. just wrap the cloth over it tight after you're done." winter nods with an 'mhm', still not looking.

"winter." ellie says.

"mhm?"

"winter, look at me." ellie says in a serious tone, her droopy eyes meet winter's wide ones, shocked from her tone. "i need you to not focus on whatever you're thinking about. okay?" winter nods, not talking yet. winter looks away again. "i said look at me." and winter listens instantly. "you won't hurt me, okay hun? i've felt greater pain before." winter nods, she felt frozen in her spot though, ignoring the name she was called.

"winter. i need you to say you understand. if the bleeding is still bad you need to heat my knife and press it on the cut, burn the skin." she sluggishly throws the knife on the floor close to winter, sighing loudly.

"yes i understand. i'll.. i'll do it. is it okay if i..?" she trails off, looking up at ellie after kneeling next to the toilet to see the wound better. she reaches a hand out but doesn't touch ellie's skin. ellie looks down at her nodding.

"yeah, that's kind of what i asked." ellie says sarcastically. winter scoffs.

"be nice, i'll let you bleed out." winter bites back. 

"no you won't." ellie smirks at winter, then lets her head fall back against the wall. winter gets to works quickly, opening the kit and grabbing the tweezers, hesitating again when she goes to grab ellie's waist but follows through. she pulled the skin slightly apart, pulling out the two only bits of cloth. ellie whimpers, shifting in her spot. winter tried not to think about that too hard. she then pulls out cotton pads, pouring alcohol on it and swiping it against the dirt on the end of the cut. 

ellie's hissing faded out, her body going limp. winter panics, cleaning it quicker. thankfully the bleeding wasn't bad so she put the small bit of gauze she had on it and reached around ellie's waist and back to wrap the cloth around. she took note of ellie's earthy but sweet scent. she tied the cloth tight, messily putting the supplies away.

"ellie?" winter whispers to the other. she got no reply, but felt a pulse in her wrist. she finally sits all the way on the floor, letting out a big sigh and running a hand through her now sweaty hair. she then remembers a tip her dad gave her years ago. she gets up quickly, crouching and lifting ellie's arm over her shoulders, grabbing her torso and lifting her up. she practically drug ellie to the living room, lying her down flat on the ground, letting her blood circulate better.

thankfully, for both ellie and winter, ellie woke up in the middle of the night. she was obviously very sore. winter gets up from the chair she was watching her from. she rushes to ellie's side. ellie winces and groans out as she sits up, whimpering when she looks down and sees the cloth with a few spots of blood.

"careful.." winter mumbles, holding ellie's back.

"did you have to cauterize it?" she look to winter.

"no, i uh.. i'm obviously a wizard. put a spell on it to make it stop." winter smiles, sensing ellie needs a little distraction. ellie laughs and groans after.

"it's a witch, stupid." she playfully says back. winter sighs, shaking her head.

"well this witch is about to make the blood pour back out, careful." winter says. ellie puts her hands up in a defensive way, giggling.

"want some dinner now?"

"yes, please. beet soup?" ellie raises her eyebrows with a sarcastic curious expression. winter rolls her eyes.

"boiled carrots and scrambled eggs, be grateful i'm not feeding you rocks." ellie lets out a quiet 'yes ma'am' smiling slyly at winter.