comfortably alone

winter felt most at peace when she listened to the birds sing in the early morning. the mist collects on the vibrant grass around her. it felt empty in the cabin after last summer when her only parent left, her father, had finally met his end. she could still picture him sitting with her outside, counting how many birds they'd see and showing her how to make flower crowns. he radiated so much love towards winter, and she felt that loved completely.

she'd felt the guilt of it for months on end. she missed the stories he'd tell of the world before the infected, the stories of her mom and how much her mom had loved her. winter's dad never went into detail of her death, only sharing that her mom saved them but died doing so. her dad always tried protecting her the best he could, training her only on basic defense fighting. she now hated that she hadn't pushed him harder on training her, they always assumed they'd be alive longer together. 

the cabin she grew up in still held the nostalgic smell, but there had been more infected in the last year then they've seen since the beginning. living in the country had the perks of low infected traffic. they had running water due to the solar panels her father had gotten installed in the early 2000's before everything, she had successfully kept the garden, horses, and chickens alive during the winter time. she used to hate the quietness after her dad's death, feeling empty and lost almost everyday. although the lost feeling never went away she started loving the quiet. it was calm, easier to hear any problems, easier to cope with the anger she used to feel. she used to be able to sleep in, she used to be able to tell when a sound wasn't the infected and was just one of the animals outside, but ever since she was left alone it's harder to sleep. 

she can only distract herself so much until her body gives into the sleep she was avoiding. it was getting harder for her to feel safe, even if rationally she knew the amount of infected that passed through was easy to take. still, with every infected near, the nostalgic smell would be replaced with death and a rotting smell. 

today she fed the animals slow, watered the plants slow, showered slow, ate slow. just trying to fill the long day and avoid thinking about how good it would feel to sleep. she couldn't, the thought of waking up and seeing that the safe haven her parents had worked so hard for was in danger simply because she was selfish enough to sleep kept her up. it made her stomach twist at the thought. she wouldn't say the loneliness damaged her, she liked being by herself. maybe it's partly because she's only met a few outsiders that her dad had to scare off. that certainly didn't help her distrust in strangers. 

it's been two days since winter last slept. she finally started feeling her body fight her, and for once she gave in. she was exhausted from fixing the barb wire fence and cleaning the chicken coop and finally cleaning the solar panels. she even hung more strings with empty cans on them around the doors. she lied in bed, listening to the chirping crickets and the wind against the windows. glancing at the cans hanging across the bedroom door before sleeping. 

winter bolted awake when she heard cans clattering and bumping from the living room. she sat up quickly, reaching for the baseball bat beside her bed. her stomach twisted with the possibility that tonight would be her last night alive. silently praying that it was an infected or a bird that found it's way in, she slowly and carefully stepped towards her bedroom door. she put her ear to the door, leaning away from the cans as much as she could. her chest brushed against a can, making a small clinking sound.

winter held her breath, waiting for more noise from the living room. her stomach dropped when she heard a voice. she couldn't make out words, but she heard footsteps coming closer, stopping maybe a few feet away from her door. radio static and then the persons voice echo through winter's door. this time she made out a few words.

"i found.. coming back soon, it's starting to rain." there was a voice from the radio too but winter couldn't hear any distinct words from it. 

winter's breath picked up as the reality of her needing to defend herself against an actual person set in. her palms started to sweat. she then realized the sprinkling of rain starting against her window, every sound became 10x louder for her. she gripped her bat tighter, stepping back and putting her hand on her door to open it a little. just then her door swung open, knocking her arm back and making her stumble back. she quickly swung the bat back, aiming for the persons head, but missing due to the darkness.

"ow, shit!" she hit the persons upper arm, making them grunt and flinch into themselves before stepping back and holding the pistol towards winter. they fixed their posture, and huff. winter tried to not seem scared, but her arms were definitely shaky. "i don't want to hurt you! it's dark and raining, i just needed a place to wait until morning. i didn't realize someone was here." the woman says in a pleading tone.

"please get out.." winter curses herself for the unsteady voice and the use of 'please'. she shouldn't have to be nice in this situation, but she panicked and said the first thing she could think of.

"i already said i'm not here to hurt you. i'll even give you some of my food if i can stay the night." winter's breath hasn't slowed down, her sweaty hands making it harder to grip the bat. she slowly glances next to the woman in the doorway, the light switch just a few inches away. winter goes to slowly reach toward it, nervously watching the other. the woman stiffens, tightening her hold on her gun. winter quickly flips the light on, going back to holding the bat with both hands. 

the woman had light brown and reddish hair cut short and tied back, wide eyes, and a blood splatter on her neck. she was a few inches taller, and looked younger than her voice portrayed.

"you have guns." winter eyes her pistol and the other gun strapped around the woman's back. the fear is building by the second for winter, she's never had to be violent to an actual person and she's not sure she can actually follow through.

"you don't?" the woman sounded half genuine and half sarcastic, raising her eyebrows. winter slowly shook her head, furrowing her eyebrows. 

"i don't need one. leave now." her voiced wavered a little and she felt a lump in her throat. she feels stressed seeing how the woman looks unconvinced. she scoffs at winter, giving a small chuckle.

"i didn't know baseball bats were more dangerous than guns." winter's heart skipped a beat, she knew she was so vulnerable and she hated it.

"i'll show you how dangerous if you don't leave." she wanted that to be true, but knew the bluff she was putting out was completely seen through by the woman. the woman smirks at winter, tilting her head and looking around her room. 

"you seem to live comfortably here." winter's heart felt like if it beat any quicker it'd pop out of her chest.

"i am and i'm comfortable alone. i don't want you here. at all." she hoped the stranger took her seriously, even the tiniest bit. the woman looks back at winter, squinting her eyes a little before relaxing them. 

"you won't swing." she lowers her gun, stepping forward which makes winter take a step back. she shakes her head and keeps distance in between them.

"please don't.." winter felt her voice get higher, tears starting to fill her eyes. her one fear is coming true. she's let her parents down, she's broken everything they've done for her.

the woman narrows her eyes, then steps to the side. she looks around the room again, walking to look closer. she's turned her back on winter, which could mean she's so confident in her fighting abilities that she knows she'd win, or it could mean she knows winter wouldn't try anything. which sadly, she won't. she couldn't, too frozen in fear. she still had her bat up, staring at the lady inspecting her room. 

"oh cool, i like pearl jam too.. do you have any records?" she throws a quick glance at winter, then goes to touch a small switch blade on winter's dresser. tears finally start falling down her red cheeks.

"no.." she quietly yelps. the woman pulls her hand back and turns to her. she tilts her head.

"relax you don't have to cry about not having records. i just saw the poster." she shrugs and turns back, reaching out to the blade again.

"no i mean.." winter wants to shrink into herself for speaking. the other looks over her shoulder. "don't take it, please.." winter's breath hitches as she starts feeling the lump in her throat travel up.

"no offense, but i don't want a poster i already have." she chuckles.

"the.. the knife, please. just leave." the woman stops moving, again turning to winter. she hums.

"it's important to you?" she asks. winter nods slowly, tears falling as she does. the other nods also, looking at the floor. her gaze travels up the wall beside winter then focuses back on winter.

"mine too." winter could see the small smile the other offered, but nothing could calm the anxiety that was drowning her. her whole body was practically shaking now. the other saw, sighed, then put her hand in a pocket on her thigh. winter brings the bat up more again, scared of the next weapon this lady is bringing out. the other dug hers out, crouching down and sliding it over to winter. 

winter felt it tap her socked feet, but refused to look down at it. the woman sighed again, standing up.

"i'm seriously not going to hurt you. you can lower the damn bat and relax. i'm trying to be fucking nice." winter was shocked at the language, only hearing her dad use it when he was extremely mad, which made her feel the other was angry about to get violent despite her words. her bottom lip trembled, only lowering the bat when the other gave her an annoyed look that could've meant she was close to losing it on winter.

"there you go, relax man. i won't touch yours, but you can hold mine. i don't mind." the woman slid down the dresser to sit on the floor. winter slowly followed, crouching but not sitting. she still held her bat next to her, leaning down and picking up the knife. 

it had a wood base, the long blade flips out when she presses the button. she jumps a little, not expecting it to open so easy. he dad's was foldable, no button, and not as long as the one she's holding. the woman laughs lowly, watching winter look in wonder.

"never seen one like that? i guess it is pretty nice." she looked smug, which made winter roll her eyes. she slid it over to the other and stands back up. 

"yes, pretty nice. now leave." she glares, feeling her tears dry on her cheeks. 

"come on. i was serious about needing to just stay the night. i have a few apples and a few pieces of bread, we could share." winter had only heard of those foods in her dad's stories, and she hated that she was a bit intrigued about trying it. she furrows her eyebrows, trying to remember the picture her dad had drawn of it years ago. the food they had at the cabin was only eggs, carrots, and beets. sometimes her dad would fish or if a chicken got sick they'd have that, but she doesn't know how to cook it and doesn't find interest in the hurting an animal part.

"i.. i don't have room for you." winter tries to hold onto the little bit of persistence she had left in her tired head. the woman looks around, leaning to the side to see past winter.

"oh look a chair, thats room enough." the woman smiles brightly up to winter. the smug face is back, making winter feel defeated knowing that this woman had more persistence than she'd ever have.

"i already ate earlier.." 

"you've never heard of midnight snacks or some shit?"

"i only have a few carrots left out, i haven't harvested yet." the woman nods quickly.

"i haven't had those in years! here." the woman reaches behind her to tug her bag off, pulling out an apple and almost rolling it to winter.

"don't put it on the floor, it'll get dirty." she whispers almost, getting embarrassed by her complaining halfway through. the woman glances up and looks amused, quirking her eyebrow up.

"i don't think i've ever met such an uptight person, god. and would you please lower the fucking bat? my name's ellie, at least give me your name so i don't have to call you crying girl with the bat." winter could tell it was ellie's attempt at lightening the stressful tension. she took a deep breath in and out, still not looking away from the other. she hesitantly puts the bat aimed all the way down in her hand. 

"you can wash it in the sink, i'll show you." winter steps back from the doorway, watching ellie get up and walk toward the door, backpack in hand. she holds the apple in one hand after holstering her pistol. 

"i know what a sink looks like." she smiles. "but cool you have running water." winter rolls her eyes at how cocky this lady's behavior has been.

"i meant where it is. are you always so smug in everything you do?" she scoffs. winter follows behind ellie, who she saw smirk at her words.

"i found it earlier, breaking in and all. sorry about the window by the way." she gives a guilty smile over her shoulder. winter's face contorts in confusion.

"the window?" she looks around when they get in the living room, only feeling the cold breeze of the outside but no broken window. ellie nods toward the window on the back door in the connected kitchen. there was no glass in the lower panel close to the nod. she groans.

"are you serious? do you think i can just make glass here? i'll have to trim wood and nail it on." she groans in annoyance. 

"again, didn't know you were here. i can fix it tomorrow, don't worry about it. so... your name?" ellie fully stops and turns to the other once they reach the sink. winter looks into the others eyes, obvious curiosity filling ellie's eyes. winter hesitates, not know if it was a good idea to blindly trust the first stranger she encounters. she can practically hear her dad screaming about the situation. ellie takes the time to actually look at winter, her gaze falling and rising every time she looks at another detail on winter.

"winter.. i'm serious about you leaving tomorrow, i don't need you to bug me any more than you have." winter takes the apple from ellie's hand and leans her bat against the floor and cabinets, leaning over the counter to wash the apple. she could feel the other's eyes burning holes into her, anxiety was still very much a problem right now. winter's hands shook as she rubbed the apple under the water. 

"the apple won't bite." she hears a chuckle behind her. winter turns the water off, turning and handing it to ellie with an annoyed glare. she grabs the bowl of carrots from the fridge, only four carrots sit in the bowl. winter walks to over to the fireplace and puts the bowl on the ground, walking over to the blanket rack and pulling off two blankets. she turns to ellie, who is still watching her from the kitchen. she's holding the apple, rubbing one side with her thumb. winter glances at the apple then to ellie's face. 

"can you at least help me grab firewood? you let cold air in.." winter only then realizes she's wearing fuzzy socks, a big tee shirt, and sweatpants. she crosses her arms in front of her to try and hide her chest, as she wasn't wearing a bra. ellie nods, walking over to winter and stopping right in front of her, never looking away from her eyes. they share a silent moment before ellie bends down and sets the apple in the bowl with the carrots. she then nods at winter again when she stands, following winter as she walks to the back porch. 

there was a stack of decent sized logs, winter made ellie carrying three inside as she also carried three. she turned on the electric fireplace, waiting for a well off fire to turn it off to save energy. just as winter sits back ellie sits beside her maybe two feet apart. ellie taps her shoulder with the back of her hand, holding the apple out to winter. she takes it, trying to not be obvious about being marveled by how round it was. she remembers her dad telling her some were sweet, others sour, but couldn't remember details.

"it's.. it's sweet?" winter asks quietly, looking over to ellie. ellie laughs some, making it apparent she thought the other was joking. when she noticed winter's blank stare she smiled back and straightened her posture to lean over. winter knew it wasn't needed, personal space seems to not be a common concept to the woman. she runs her finger over the skin and looks up at winter, who's staring back expecting an answer.

"see how the skin is red?" there's more gentleness in ellie's voice. winter nods back. "right, red means sweet. green is sour, and usually yellow is in between depending on the type. have you never had one?" she seems genuinely curious, less sarcastic than earlier. winter shakes her head.

"never even seen one, nor bread. what does bread taste like?" ellie raises her eyebrows, obviously a bit shocked  at winter's answer.

"okay well, just bite it, but don't eat too far in the middle. there's the apple core, it has seeds in it. and bread-" ellie leans over opposite of winter to fish out a paper bag from her backpack, unfolding it and holding the bread out to winter, "-hard to explain. no taste, sweet but not. usually people put butter or a jam on it." winter eyes the slices, taking note of the bag that holds it as it looks like it's falling apart. 

winter hums back, lifting herself up and walking to a cabinet in the kitchen. she bends down and pulls out a plastic tupperware bowl with a lid. briskly walking back over to the warm fireplace, her arms getting goosebumps from the cold. she sits, putting the bowl in her lap and reaches over to grab the blankets she set aside. she hands the thicker one over to ellie, waiting for her to wrap it around herself to slowly reach over to ellie.

ellie's eyes widen, just staring at winter. she tired to move slowly to not scare the other, seems she wasn't the only guarded one. winter glances up at ellie then back to the bag of bread, gently picking it up from ellie's thigh. she opens the bowl, setting it inside and crumpling the paper. she puts the bowl in between them and pushes it to ellie.

"for you." winter says.

that was my good bag, winter." ellie couldn't even act annoyed, honestly thankful for an actual container for food. "eat." she motions toward the apple, making winter nod back.

she takes a small bite, trying to understand the new taste. her eyebrows pull together, not expecting a sweet liquid to cover her lips after the bite. ellie giggles at the face she made, taking a bite of her own after locking eyes. winter takes a bigger bite, her mouth watering at the new food.

"good?" winter nods, focusing her gaze back to the apple in her hands, turning it every way. ellie smiles a little wider.

"how is it so round?" 

"it just is, i'm not sure there's an actual reason. i'm not that knowledgeable on apples. it grows on trees, starts as a flower." winter makes another confused face. 

"a tree? i haven't seen any of those around our land." ellie giggles.

"it's a certain type of tree, i doubt any would be here. bread?" ellie holds a slice out to her, winter sets the apple in the carrot bowl and takes the bread. it was softer than she thought it would be, initially smashing it together where her fingers grabbed.

"oops." she mumbles, a bit embarrassed for being so naive to something that's normal for ellie. only earning a small smile back. she again takes a small bite, again shocked at how fragile the bread is. she nods, the taste is definitely different, but good nonetheless. "mm!" she rushes to pick up a carrot. shyly smiling to ellie.

"my food is a bit boring compared to this. sorry." ellie shakes her head, grabbed the carrot. 

"i haven't had a carrot in a while, food is food. i'm thankful, winter." winter tries to ignore the giddy feeling rising in her chest, eating the apple after finishing the bread.

after eating in silence for a bit ellie speaks up, making winter jump slightly.

"so.. winter, huh? did your parents love the season or something?" ellie asks, taking another bite of a carrot. 

it's not ellie's fault. it's no one's but winter's. she knows she should actually grieve, but it was easier for her to push feelings down. for some reason being in front of a stranger has heightened her emotions, in general, but being this vulnerable in front of ellie has her anxiety coming back. suddenly her throat was tight and her breath was more raggedy. she clears her throat, opting for staring at the ground, avoiding ellie's eyes that are trained on her.

"um.. my first and middle name is winter aconite. it's what the flower eranthis is also named.. my dad said it's a flower that symbolizes hope and rebirth. he said my mom and him planned to name their first child that, how ironic is that. i haven't even left this land, but my dad believed i'd help the world somehow." winter fumbles her thumbs, pursing her lips in thought. ellie hums in acknowledgment. 

"i've never heard of it, but then again i don't study flowers either." ellie smiles, sensing the gloom winter had while remembering something. winter perks up, turning to look at ellie.

"want to see a picture? my dad actually painted a picture of it for me." winter waits for ellie to nod, she then walks to her room and ellie hears some objects being moved. winter comes back, smiling softly down at the painting as she walks back over to the other. she flips it for ellie to see, the bright yellows and greens jumping from the canvas. 

"oh, wow. that's beautiful. he has a gift, painting isn't as easy as it looks." ellie chuckles, still examining the painting. she hears winter mumble an 'i know', fondly looking down at the painting still. 

"he did have a gift. i, sadly, didn't get those abilities." winter chuckles, but ellie caught the pained expression. she decided to let the other feel that emotion for a minute before standing. she tried her best to not give winter any expression of pity, but she's sure she didn't hide it too well.

"how about we sleep, it's late. i feel bad waking you and making you scared earlier.." ellie says quietly. winter nods back, setting the painting down ad propping it up against the wall. she walks near ellie, bending down to pick up the empty bowls. ellie grabs her arm before winter actually reaches the bowls and nudges her up.

"i'll get it in the morning, go to sleep, winter." they stare into each others eyes, winter felt so nervous thinking about sleeping while a random person is in her house, but she could feel the sleepiness come back over her. she nods slowly. "does your door have a lock? you seem nervous having me inside all night, how can i help?" winter shakes her head. ellie looks at the ceiling in thought. 

"what if- fuck.. i.." ellie mumbles a bit, trying to find a solution. she looks hesitant to speak, but decided that she was willing to trust winter through the night. "ok, what if i give you my guns and my other switchblade? just for the night and you can barricade the door tonight, i need my one switchblade though. at least something for any danger." ellie runs a hand through her bangs, obviously uncomfortable with the idea, but wanting to have winter see how grateful she is for letting her stay the night. winter looks slightly confused.

"only the guns.." winter says, making ellie sigh.

"do you even know how to work one?" winter shakes her head but goes to defend herself when ellie laughs.

"no, but my dad had one! i just.. was never taught. i have amazing hiding places though." winter smiles. ellie whips out her pistol, not thinking of how harsh the action may look as she's so desensitized to it. winter steps back at the action, widened eyes focused on it with fear.

"oh shit sorry, i'm not.. just here, fuck." it's very obvious now to winter that ellie is feeling unsafe giving up her guns. she holds out the pistol, putting onto winter's stretched out flat hands. winter's arms falter some, the gun heavier than she imagined. "jesus, ok. i'm putting the big one on your bed, i don't trust shaky, weak hands." ellie mumbles. following winter into her room and carefully setting the gun down after unstrapping it from her back.

winter ended up giving ellie three blankets and a pillow.

"can you um.. can you let me know if you get too cold?" winter asks, avoiding eye contact. ellie nods back setting the blankets in the chair. waiting for the other to leave. winter awkwardly nodded, making her way to her room. 

she hides the guns in the top of her closet, using a step stool, and covered them with clothes. she looks over at the door, going to fasten the cans across the doorway. she thinks of fully barricading it, and maybe she should've. all she does is move her small desk in front of the door, half scared ellie would need help and it'd take too long for her to reach ellie. she huddled into herself trying to warm up some, the pile of blankets hardly warming her fast enough.

she hears ellie put out the fire, mentally thanking her.