We are just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year
Jane felt horrible for leaving Loki like that, but the way Darcy’s voice was shaking when she picked up the phone made her skin crawl, the brunette had never sounded like that before. Scared, helpless.
As soon as she entered, Ian was there waiting for her. He guided her to the third floor where Darcy was. She and Ian were both still in their costumes, Darcy hugged her when she saw her.
Darcy had received the call ten minutes past midnight. Erik Selvig had been taken to the nearest hospital after he was found walking alone outside in the middle of the night by one of the guards, he tried to hurt the man before being sedated, he was out of danger once the clock had marked three a. m. but the doctors insisted he stayed for evaluation.
“I don’t understand” Jane said, after Darcy finished explaining, “We saw him a few days ago, he was fine” She shook her head, “I don’t understand” Jane whispered.
“The doctors say that is normal with someone in his condition” Darcy said, “Becoming violent is part of the final… the final stage of-“
“We can get him help” Jane said, “We-“
“He’s not going to get better Jane” Darcy said.
Something inside of Jane twisted. She shook her head softly, her throat feeling too tight to swallow down the tears threatening to leave her eyes.
“Erik Selvig’s family?” A nurse approached them.
“Yes” Jane said, blinking away her tears.
“You can go now” She said nodding at them.
She entered the room, the faint sound of the machines monitoring Erik sent shivers down her spine, Erik didn’t deserve to live like he was, losing himself little by little. She walked towards him, finding a seat next to his bed. Erik looked pale, sick, as she held his hands, so cold against her warmer ones, Jane knew he was not going to make it.
She cried then. Harder that she had ever permitted herself to cry infront of other people. Erik Selvig was a part of the small group of people Jane had left and she loved him, but in a few months he was not going to be able to remember her or himself. She held his hand tighter between hers, taking them to her face, as she sobbed hard. Erik then squeezed her hand back softly.
“Jane” his voice made her look up at him, his eyes struggling to stay open.
“Hey” She did her best effort of a smile, “Hey, I’m here”
“Jane” he repeated, smiling softly at her, “How are you?”
“I’m-” She said, “I’m good”
“Good” he chuckled, “That’s good”
Jane smiled at him and stood to kiss his cheek, running her hand through his face while she squeezed his hand with the other. She wanted to ask how was he feeling but she knew the answer.
“I’m sorry, Jane” he said all of sudden.
“No, no, don’t be silly” She said, “Don’t talk about it now”
“I’m not getting any better” he continued, “I don’t want to… to keep forgetting”
He then smiled. As if they were talking about a whole different subject.
“Darcy said you have someone”
She looked at his hand in hers, “Yeah… I do”
He smiled, “Is he good enough?”
“He is more than enough” She nodded, and she wasn’t lying.
“Good” he smiled.
And then Jane wake up.
Darcy was shaking her shoulder softly. He eyes fluttered open and Darcy smiled softly at her. She was still holding Erik’s hand and the man was deeply asleep.
She had being dreaming of him.
“He’s too sedated to wake up” Darcy explained, “We should let him rest”
Jane nodded and stood up. She left a kiss in Erik’s forehead and whispered a goodbye.
Darcy offered to drive her home, after getting some breakfast. The whole ride was way too silent and Jane felt there was something Darcy wasn’t saying. It wasn’t until the waitress left their plates with waffles that Darcy told her the news.
“What!?” Jane asked, “What the fuck-“
“Listen to me!” Darcy interrupted.
Ian could only looked at both women while they yelled at each other, stuffing his mouth with fruit.
“It’s a place they-“
“You know what he’s asking?” Jane exclaimed, “We are not doing this, we’ll get help”
“No” Darcy said, “This is what he wants, Jane” she said, “He knew he was getting worse and he wrote it in his will”
“There must be something else-“
“But there isn’t” Darcy said looking at her plate.
Neither of them said anything. Darcy then pulled out a letter out of her bag. She slipped the envelope to Jane across the table.
“He wanted to explain it to you” Darcy said, “It’s all there”
Jane opened the envelope with shaky hands. It had been written a little over a year ago, after Erik started showing signs of whatever he had. He asked her for comprehension and then for forgiveness. Erik Selvig wanted to die. To put end to his suffering before he lost himself completely. And apparently he had found the solution for that in Switzerland.
She finally arrived home two hours later to find Loki was sound asleep in the couch, Catsby resting on his chest. She smiled softly to herself and went to the kitchen to make some coffee. She took a hot cup of coffee to her room, pulling out her computer. She felt tired but didn’t want to sleep, her eyes struggling to stay awake as she typed away.
Dignitas was an assisted dying Organization located in Switzerland. It was an option that was offered to Erik when his condition started to worsen and his memory started deteriorating. He had told Darcy via letter and left one for Jane too. Explaining that it was his last wish.
“Jane”
She looked up and found Loki standing on the doorway, “Hey” she said, closing the computer.
He walked towards her and sat next to her on the floor. As if he knew something was wrong he held her tightly.
“He wants to die” Jane said, and Loki understood she was talking about Erik Selvig, “He’s flying to switzerland tomorrow”
“I… I never apologized-“
She kissed him, “Don’t”
“You said it was after New York” Loki explained, “The-“
She kissed him again, “Loki”
“Is he…”
Jane shook her head, “He wants us to go to switzerland with him” she swallowed, “He’s… he wants to die”
“Oh, Jane” He grabbed her hand.
“He asked me and Darcy to go with him” Jane said.
“When?”
“Tomorrow” Jane said, “We are leaving and three p. m.”
“Leaving”
“I will come back” Jane added quickly, “I will come back to be with you” she smiled softly, nervously, “I promise”
Loki stared at her, her eyes tired and offering her kindest look. And he realized how much it was going to hurt him telling her what followed.
“Thor came back” Loki said, not wanting to look at her, “After you left he… he came to give a message”
She frowned, “What?”
Loki kissed her deeply, holding her face with such tenderness that made Jane feel like she was made of glass. When he pulled back he looked pained, his eyes glassy. She kissed his face two, three times.
“The guards of Asgard will come tomorrow for me” Loki said finally.
“But” Jane shook her head, “Your mother-“
“I will be free” Loki said, and Jane let out a breath, a small smile in her lips now, “A free asgardian”
It took Jane a few seconds to understand what he was saying. Loki was being taken back to Asgard. Away from her.
“Heimdall told them” Loki said, “About us”
Oh.
“It’s that a bad thing?”
“Of course not” Loki said, “Not for Thor’s ego” he chuckled sadly, “But not even for that they will let me stay”
“That is not fair” Jane said, pulling away from his touch, “They are taking you away now that-“
“It’s the only way they will let me live” Loki said.
She narrowed her eyes, full of betrayal now, “You want to leave”
When Loki said nothing she stood up, “It’s not that Jane, this is bigger than-“
“You are leaving me too” Jane said, “You-“ the rest of the phrase was unspoken, her throat too tight to keep talking.
Loki stood up and held her, “I don’t want to”
“Let me go!” Jane pushed him.
“They will never leave me alone!” Loki yelled back, “They will never let me be with you!” Jane shook her head, “I am not enough for you” Loki whispered
“You are a liar” Jane said, making him look at her in shock, “You don’t love me-“
“Of course I do” Loki said, “I love you with everything I am, every fiber of my being lives for you”
When he finished talking Jane was already gone. She locked herself in her bathroom not wanting to listen to him anymore. Not wanting to look into the eyes that weren’t going to be able to look at her anymore. She could hear Loki still pacing around in her room for a few seconds before leaving, slamming the door close as he left.