this is me trying
Regulus swears he wasn't doing this on purpose.
“Mr Black! If you want to keep disrespecting me and your classmates by interrupting their learning, then you can to the principal's office!” Regulus just looked at her dumbfounded. 'Shit'.
“And don't think that I've forgotten, you have detention.” The teacher continued. 'Shit'.
He really wasn't doing it on purpose, he just always managed to say the wrong thing!
The two boys next to him, Evan and Barty, snickered and cheered for him as he exited the classroom. They were idiots but they were his idiots, so he didn't mind.
The three had gotten closer recently, and Regulus was finding himself genuinely enjoying their company. Sure they were a little strange, but they reminded him of where he came from. The good parts of it at least.
They both came from money, and while that was clear by what they wore and the way they stood, it wasn't evident in their personalities. Under all the layers of hundred dollar clothing, they were just two normal teens, trying to have fun and get through school same as everyone else. Well ok maybe they weren't exactly the same as everyone else, but that just made them interesting.
Regulus made his way to the principal's office, walking down the now deathly silent gothic halls. They truly were a remarkable feat of architecture. The ornate ceilings reflecting hundreds of years of life and history, the past of thousands of teens trapped in its smoothly carved stone.
He paused in front of the intimidating Eagle painted on the door before him. His last meeting with the principal had been less than pleasant. He gulped silently, a sense of dread filling him. 'It's ok', 'don't worry about it', 'you'll be fine'. He took a final deep breath before knocking on the towering wooden door.
The sound echoed through the halls, bouncing off walls, mocking him and his stupidity.
“Come in.” He heard the stern voice say from the other side of the door.
He turned the door knob slowly, uncertainty running through him again.
He stepped into the warm office, a fire roaring in the antique fireplace at the side of the heavily furnished room.
“Ah, Mr Black. For what reason do I have the pleasure of meeting you today?” The principle continued with a faux smile. His dislike for Regulus seeping through every syllable.
“I uh, was sent by my teacher.” He replied, unsure of how to phrase that he'd been kicked out of his class.
“I see,” The Principle placed his hands on the desk, tightly holding each other as if to hide his annoyance. “And for what reason?”
“Well I talked back to her.” He replied, again unsure if this was the correct answer.
“And do you think you were right to do so?” Dumbledore probed again, and if he was honest, yes. He did think he was right. Teachers always demanded the respect of their students without expecting to have to give that respect back to them. He thought it was an extremely flawed way of thinking, but he couldn't say that to a teacher. So he did what he was best at. He lied.
“No, I don't” He said, head hanging low to add to the effect. “I wasn't truly mad at the teacher, it's just been very hard adjusting to the new school and family, and I took out my stress on her. I am very sorry, it won't happen again.” He was sure that was going to work. It always did, he'd spin some sob story of how his life was so hard, and then he'd be out of here in less than fifteen minutes.
But Dumbledore just hummed. He didn't apologize or seem at all bothered by what Regulus had just said.
“Mr Black, I do not know if you are aware of this, but I am informed of when and why my students go to detention. Therefore I do know that this is not your first offense.”
'Shit'. He was really screwed. He tried to school his expression, but all he could feel was dread. This was going to be such a bother to deal with and he just wanted to be able to make it through his day with peace.
“I also know that your brother is in this school. Did you know this?”
Regulus froze. Of course after the first day he assumed that some teachers had made the connection, but apart from their looks and surname, there was no proof.
This also meant that he could still deny it.
“My brother is in Washington, living with his friend.” he didn't want to lie to the principle again, the feeling of doom looming over his every word.
“You were correct a year ago, however he has since moved and is now here. I assume that this means that you have had limited contact with him. Is that correct”
Regulus bit the inside of his cheek, looking down at the floor. “Yes.”
“I see. Would you like that to change?”
Regulus' head shot up. He felt that this was with string attached, but his want for a family was apparently still very prevalent.
His expression was apparently all the man needed to know his answer.
“I could arrange for this to happen, of course assuming that you start to behave in a way that is fitting of your… lineage.”
Regulus could feel his anger rising, the insinuation alone that he was not behaving to the ‘standards of his family name’ was enough to make him want to murder this man. In addition, he could very easily arrange a meeting himself. He didn't need this senile old man to do it for him.
“Thank you Sir. That is a very kind offer, but I must decline. You see my relationship with my brother is none of your business, and even if it was, I wouldn't sell it make your inbred ass happy.” With that he exited the room without being dismissed, such in a hurry to leave that he almost didn't catch what the older man said.
“If you think you can fix this alone, you are mistaken. What makes you think that Sirius wants to see you?” With that the door closed. Regulus could still see the faint smirk of the old man as the door shut. The sight etched into his brain, making shiver run down his spine.
☆
All hopes of concentration were completely gone after that. It's not that he was delusional and assumed that his brother would be delighted to see him, they hadn't left things in the best place when Sirius left. But he had thought that if he ever wanted to, he would be able to somehow fix it. Now, he wasn't so sure.
If Regulus hadn't wanted to see Sirius before, he wanted it even less now. Every time he even saw the end of black hair, he turned around and started walking in the other direction. It didn't matter if it was Sirius or not. He wasn't taking his chances.
He wasn't mentally ready to have this conversation with his brother yet, and at this point he wasn't sure if he ever was. Just thinking about Sirius was painful. It had been for the past 4 years, but now it was different. He felt like something was ending. Like he was standing at the edge of a cliff, waiting to be pushed. His past behind him, an abyss in front.
The realization came with the feeling that the last tether to his family had been broken, he was finally free. He felt as if a weight had been taken from his soldier, and that he was now ready. He was ready to find his home, his family. Not the one that was imposed on him, the one that he chose.
“Hey, you ok?” Pandora bent down next to him so that they were face to face. They sat in his empty classroom, everyone had gone back home, but he couldn't.
He looked at her with tears in his eyes, “No, I- I don't know what to do. I feel like it's over.” He couldn't explain why, but he didn't need to. She just hugged him.
“It's going to be ok, youll see. You have me, and lily, and if were both honest Evan and Barty because those idiots would do pretty much anything for you,” he laughed through his tears, it came out hoarse and broken, but it was there. A real laugh. “You're not alone, ok, we’re here.”
Her words calmed the storm raging inside of him. He had only known her for three weeks, but that was enough time for her to become a constant guiding figure in his life. She was everything. With her here, he knew that one day, just as James had said. He was going to be ok.
That's why his heart broke as he walked through the front door of J's house. He was going to have to leave her, he didn't know when, but he knew it was coming. The families that took him in never lasted long. Everyone thinks they want children until they have to take care of them. They expect them to be like house plants. Pretty to look at and not much maintenance. Happily confined to a corner of the room, overlooked, and neglected. If there's one similarity between house plants and children, its that if neglect them long enough, eventually they'll die.
☆
The next couple of days were much happier, he no longer felt burdened by his past. Yes it was a part of him, but it didn't define him.
“Regulus! Hey!” Barty waved to him from their table.
Evan and Barty had started to join Pandora and him for lunch at their forgotten table in the corner of the cafeteria. He missed the times when it was just the two of them, but as much as he acted like didn't, he enjoyed their company.
He made his way over to them, no longer looking around for the shadows of his past. Instead looking forward to his future.
Evan turned to him as he sat down. “Ok, so we were just thinking, what's better; water with cucumber-”
“Or, water with lime?” Barty cut in. Smiling as Evan glared at him.
Regulus chuckled internally. “Well personally i think water with cucumber is better.”
“Yes!” Evan fisted the air. “See! I told you so.” he said loudly, pointing at Barty with an accusatory finger.
“This isn't fair ok, we’re four people. We need another neutral party to decide this.” Evans' mouth gaped at the accusation that this was not ‘fair’.
Barty turned in his seat to tap the girl behind him, everyone else around the table protesting against it. She was stunning, with beautifully black braided hair and green eyeshadow making her eyes stand out.
“Hello,” he started. “We’re just having a little discussion here, and we were wondering if you would help us decide.”
To everyone's surprise she turned around, a playful smirk on her lips. “I’ve been listening to your conversation for the past ten minutes, and I think the blonde one makes a fair point. Water with cucumber is better.”
Evan stood up, arms stretched out wide as if to announce his victory to the world. Barty looked betrayed but slightly smitten as he gazed up at Evan.
Evan walked over to her, a wide grin spread across his face. He took her hands in his, too focused on the girl in front of him to notice the way Barty was glaring at them both in jealousy.
“Fine lady, how gracious you are to offer me this victory. Would you please join me at our table so that I may learn more about my heroine.” the girl laughed at him, and for a moment Regulus thought she might slap him. But instead she stood up from her seat and followed Evan as he pulled up another chair to their table.
She sat in between Evan and Pandora and seemed utterly amused by the group.
“As you have accorded me this victory, would you please tell me your name.” Evan continued.
“You may be a prince of your own universe, but to know my name you shall need to do something truly extraordinary.” She smirked at him as he looked at her with mild shock.
“I like you. I’m Pandora” Pandora said from the side, eyes filled with awe.
The girl smiled at Pandora and leaned closer to her ear to whisper something. When she leaned back Pandora was grinning from ear to ear.
“Well it's very nice to meet you D.” Pandora said through a wide smile as D gave a knowing smirk to the rest of the group.
After that D, Dorcas, spent every lunch with them. She was a year older than them and a Slytherin, but for a reason he could not fathom. She seemed to enjoy spending time with them, so she did.
☆
That night, Regulus came home to an eerily quiet house and a note on the kitchen counter.
“We’ve gone out to the restaurant to celebrate my promotion - Mrs J.”
With no one in the house, Regulus connected his phone to speakers, rejection and abandonment filling his vulnerable thoughts. He just wanted to be loved, to be part of something. But here he was, alone in a house that was not his own, hoping for a family that wasn't his to come and tell him that it was a mistake and that of course he should come with them.
It's not that he loved or even liked the J’s, but it was the concept alone that he was left out again, that was enough to make him want to yell to the sky with tears running down his smooth skin.
Slowly, he opened his phone. Tears fell on his screen as he opened the ‘folklore’ album on Spotify.
His mind went back to his day, his friends, his family. How he smiled and actually meant it. How he’d hugged Pandora and she'd hugged him back as if he were the only thing in the world. Like he was important.
His finger hovered over the songs before choosing ‘this is me trying’.
The music started, and he could feel the tension seep from his body.
“I've been having a hard time adjusting ”
- each syllable came with a new hidden meaning; how he was thrown into a new school, a new ‘home’. How hard it'd been for as he had a fundamental problem with things changing.
“I had the shiniest wheels, now they're rusting”
- all his lost potential, time passing while taking beautiful things with it. What was once beautiful was now broken and ugly.
“I didn't know if you'd care if I came back”
- Sirius. His fear of rejection that ended up being fulfilled. The revelation that he wouldn't have his brother back even if he did try.
“I have a lot of regrets about that”
- the regret that he never tried. That he just gave up without even talking to his brother all because some grumpy old man told him exactly what he had been fearing.
Every lyric brought new thoughts and emotions to the surface, tears becoming heavier as they rushed down his face at a greater speed.
“I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying”
- his friends, what he hoped they could hear through his silent smiles. He wanted to tell them that he was trying so hard to change, to make things different. To live.
“They told me all of my cages were mental”
- his own thoughts. 'I thought that they physically trapped me but they don't'. I have power over them .
He listened to the song on repeat, his mind coming up with new ideas and theories every time he heard the lyrics again.
At the end of the night, he was left with one feeling, hope. He was trying. Trying to be better, trying to be happier, trying to find his way out of the hole that had trapped him for so long.
He was trying, and that was enough.