Teenage Dirtbag

The week had started rather slowly, yes it was his first week at a new school, but apart from the strange first day with the principal, the rest had been fairly normal. He would bring the rodent to school every morning, then he would meet lily at the front gates and listen as she talked about the school with so much passion that Regulus was envious. 'How could someone love something so much?'  He would watch in awe as the light shone in her spring green eyes.

On Thursday, he had his first sports lesson. Sport was always a tricky subject for him even before he socially transitioned. He had always hated the way he felt and looked in the tight gym clothes, whether it was skirts or leggings, tracksuits or mini shorts, he just didn't feel right in them. All he wanted to do was hide or throw a fit, anything to get those wretched clothes off of him. So when Thursday came round, he refused to get changed. Not only was the teacher demanding him to change in front of everyone, therefore outing himself, she also wanted him to change into the school sports kit that consisted of the tightest t-shirt you’ve ever seen, a hoodie that was once again so small that it made his skin crawl to even look at, not to mention that all of these were from second hand clothing. The whole ordeal made Regulus want to burst into tears.

He had always been particular with hygiene, so much so that it would drive Sirius crazy.

“NON. Putain don’t walk into the bathroom with your dirty shoes, the fuck is wrong with you?” Regulus stared at him with a disgusted look.

“Omggg ça va, sérieux t'exagères, I’m only walking in for a minute.” Sirius replied exasperated after being told this a million times.

“Mais c'est sale, on marche la pied nus !” Regulus sighed again, using hand gestures to hopefully get his point across better. Sirius had the whole, athlete locker room experience that Regulus never had, so where he could probably live in a garbage truck, Regulus would rather die.

Regulus stared at the gym teacher, trying to not lose his cool as he thought of what would happened if he did as she said. The looks of horror he would get from hi scars and tightly wrapped chest, he’d seen them all before and would have rather spared himself from reliving them.

“No,” Regulus answered again, when she told him that he had to change in the locker room with the other boys, and he couldn't just simply use the bathroom.

“Young man, this isn't a negotiation, you are going into that room and changing into those clothes,” Something in Regulus had a mini party at the words ‘Young man’ , but he tried to ignore it as he had a much more pressing issue at hand other than the small bit of gender euphoria he got from the words.

“Why can’t I just change in the bathrooms?” He replied again stubbornly, they’d been going around in circles for 5 minutes now, but like hell was going to be the first to give in. If there's one thing he’s thankful for, his mother raised a stubborn bitch, and there was no way he was losing this.

The teacher sighed again, looking as tired as him from this conversation. “If you don’t change with the others then I’m going to be forced to give you detention. It’s not fair on the others that you get special treatment.” ‘forced’ . 'Yeah right you're not forced to do anything', you're doing this cause you want to,  he thought, barely managing to stop himself from rolling his eyes.

“Ok,” he replied confidently. He wasn’t planning on staying here long anyway so it doesn't really matter if he got detention. Regulus silently revelled as the teacher's pet inside of him started to cry. He had always hated being a teacher's pet, so for some reason this made him enjoy the threat of punishment. God what the fuck was actually wrong with him?

☆

So that's how he found himself in detention on the first Friday evening of term.

When he walked into the empty room, he briefly thought that he would be the only one there. After all, who would be stupid enough to get detention in the first week of term? He sat at the back and mindlessly opened his small notebook and headphones. The teacher in charge looked just about as pleased as him to be there, and had asked him to write an essay on why he thought it was ok for him to not have to change in front of everyone, but it wasn't ok for anyone else. Regulus just sighed, it’s not that he thought that he should get special treatment or anything, he just didn't understand why in general everyone couldn't just change in the bathrooms? He understood that it was because then the bathroom would be over crowded and it would take longer, but if it helped with the students already having very low self esteem then why couldn't they just install stalls in the changing rooms?

Writing the essay quickly was the best way for to be able to do whatever he wanted for the rest of the session, so that's what he did. It wasn't like the teacher was paying much attention to him anyway, far too busy laughing at some bad meme on her phone.

5 minutes passed quickly as he spitefully wrote his essay, so engrossed in it that he almost didn't notice another student arrive.

Regulus froze as he looked up. Every muscle in his body went dead cold as he started to drown in his own thoughts.

The boy in front of him smiled warmly at the teacher as he walked in, apologizing for being late. Or at least that's what Regulus presumed he was saying, he couldn't hear anything through his ringing ears and prickling eyes, dread overtaking him.

The world stilled as the agony seeped into his soul, memories coming back to him in flashes of painfully quick memoirs that left him feeling bruised. The kind smiles and childish laughs, the screaming, it all flooded in so quickly that Regulus could hardly keep himself from standing up and running away. The only thing stopping him was his still completely stilled body.

James Potter was standing in the doorway, completely oblivious to him as he attempted to sweet talk the teacher into not marking him in as late.

Regulus couldn't breathe. In out, in out, in out. It's ok, nothing matters, you're going to be ok, ça va aller. He chanted the words in his head over and over as he forced air to get into his lungs. 

‘It’s ok’ he heard a voice say in his head, the voice was so foreign, yet familiar, his thoughts searched as he tried to identify the voice. The need to know who the smooth, comforting voice belonged to overwhelmed him. He felt as though he had forgotten something very important, knots forming in the pit of his stomach.

Sirius,

Regulus looked down at the desk, physically forcing himself to look away from James. Tears started to gather at the corner of his eyes. How could he forget? 

He hadn’t realized that he was beginning to forget the one person in the world that had actually seemed to care about him. His memory of his childhood was filled with gaps and black spaces, but out of everyone in the world, Sirius was the last person he ever wanted to forget.

He was using the same voice he would use when he tried to comfort him after one of their parents yelled at him. Not for the first time, the voice didn't bring him comfort,  it just made him sink deeper and deeper into himself.

He compelled himself to look away from the table, an escape plan already forming in his mind. It’s ok, if he could just annoy Mr J. enough, he was sure that he could get him to call social services again, demanding to send him back. Then Regulus would set everything up so that when they came to investigate the claim, they were met with empty bottles of alcohol everywhere and a half dead man on the couch. So drunk that he wouldn't even hear them come in. 'Yeah that’s a good plan', 'it’ll be ok', 'I’ll be ok', 'I’ll survive', 'I always do', he repeated, trying to calm himself, but somehow, the last line of his thoughts made him more miserable, I always survive, I wonder how it is to live?

James made his way over to sit down next Regulus, seemingly unbothered by the look of panic on Regulus’ face. He was as beautiful as he had been the day they met. Age had clearly been kind to him, his once soft features sharpened by time. Sun kissed skin glowing as the harsh light from the room bounced off of it. He was breath-taking.

Regulus had to pinch himself in order to not stare for too long. Turning back to the essay, thoughts racing. 'Words, yes words, we like words, let's write some'  his very useless brain provided for him, too preoccupied by the million questions he had. Why are you here? How come you're not in Washington? Is Sirius with you? Are you going to tell him I'm here? please don’t…

James sat next to him confidently, taking a piece of paper out of his bag as he started to doodle little hockey sticks and pucks in the margin.

After another 5 minutes of inner turmoil later, he decided to disregard his essay in favour of his lyric book. Whenever he felt confused, sad, overwhelmed (basically anything that made him human), he found it helpful to write down his thoughts in the form of lyrics. He never did anything with them, he just kept them close to his heart, a little escape in the turbulence of the world.

But when you look in his eyes

Do you think of mine?

And when you look at that smile

Do I cross your mind?

I know in your head

You see me instead

He thought of his brother, the way he had replaced him so easily. Every word written more personal than the next. He didn't think, he just wrote, he just felt. He felt the way it had been so easy for Sirius to find some new to share all his secrets with, he felt how much he wanted that too. Too find someone that could make him feel like he was alive. He felt how much he missed his brother.

And I'll admit that I sometimes, maybe, might

Think about you at night, well, almost every night

No matter how I try to hide

And erase you from my mind

I'm dying

To find a lookalike

Tears started to sting his eyes. 

He couldn't cry here, not when James was right next to him.

He turned his gaze to the older boy, curiosity over taking him. He had his face on the table, arm stretched out, head turned towards Regulus as he gazed at him.

Regulus mimicked him, taking in a deep breath. It was a lot harder to do than he thought it would be, his throat like sandpaper. 

All he could think was 'pretty', 'pretty', 'pretty'. Even after all these years James could still make him feel a way that no one else could. 

“Hey,” James whispered, lips parting every so slightly as it almost came out as a breath.

“Hey,”

“Whatcha doin’?” James inquired, his voice barely loud enough to hear, his brown eyes never leaving the silver across from him.

“Just writing,” Regulus whispered back, not sure how to tell him that he was writing a song about his brother leaving him for James.

“Anything interesting?”

“Maybe,” regulus replied with a smirk. He wondered who would be the first to break the peace and face the big grey elephant in the room.

“Can I see?” James tempted, hand stretched out tentatively.

Regulus stiffened, unsure what to do. Should he give it to him? Probably not, but something inside of him really wanted too. He settled for asking his own question instead, “Why?”

James shrugged, grinning before moving his arm to use it to rest his head. His smile was warm, like rays of sunshine on a summer's day. Regulus thought he would go blind from looking at it for too long, but he couldn't look away. Instead he just stayed with his head on his outstretched arm and let the warmth of the sun brighten something that had long since turned to ice inside of him.

“I think that I would like it,” James whispered, leaning in next to Regulus, the words a secret between them.

“I don’t.” Regulus muttered, turning his face to the table so that James couldn't hear him.

“My names James.” James said in a normal volume. Regulus thought it would break the strange sort of world they had created around them, but it didn't. Somehow they remained there together, in their own little world.

Regulus had been so busy worrying about what seeing James would mean, that he completely forgot that the older boy hadn’t seen him in over two years, and therefore, would likely not recognise him. Not only was his hair shorter, his features had matured quite a bit during adolescence.

Regulus started laughing at his own stupidity as relief washed over him. James didn't recognize him. He was safe. Regulus ginned, looking back at James as he straightened his back. James watched him, completely bewildered by Regulus’ sudden laughter.

“Regulus.” he said, a smile never leaving his face.

James smiled back, confusion fading. “Well Regulus, if you would be so inclined, I would love to see what you were working on.”

Regulus swears he was going to end up dying if he was next to James any longer, his breath hitching in his throat from the way his name sounded.

“Ok,” Regulus answered with a small nod. Now that he knew that James didn't know who he was, there wasn’t any point in hiding the lyrics was there? Some deep, almost forgotten part of him trusted James, a reflex he realized had never left.

He silently handed James the notebook and watched as the others' eyes grew larger. “These are incredible.”

“You wrote these?” James gaped

“Yeah,” Regulus stared at a spot of ink on the table that had become very interesting, fighting the blush that was coming up to his cheeks.

“Do you want to become a musician?” James lowered the book to look at him.

Regulus lifted his stare to meet the older boys, and oh was that a mistake. He was glowing, eyes sparkling. Regulus couldn't turn his gaze away. His mouth felt dry as he tried to reply to the very simple question, but not a word would leave his lips. He was too busy staring at James. His messy hair, his big round golden glasses, his stupid grin that still made his stomach flutter.

“Uh, no. I just… I don't know, write them for fun I guess. Writing it down makes it feel more real you know?” he tilted his head ever so slightly.

It was James’ turn to stare this time, eyes burning into his soul.

“Yeah.., I think I get what you mean.” James all but whispered, as if someone had punched all the air out of his lungs. He handed the notebook back, eye contact never being broken as he stared at him like he was universe’ greatest enigma.

A moment lapsed between them, just staring at each other, neither daring to move. The moment isn't awkward or comfortable, it is as though he was stuck in a bubble. Like any movement would burst it and make him fall down back to reality.

Again, James was the first to speak. “So what are you here for?”

“I refused to change in front of everyone for sport. You?” He answered swiftly.

“They were always strangely particular about that.” James said, looking as if he was thinking of something else, before turning his attention back to Regulus “I got stuck with detention after my best mate Pete sold me out for bunking. Nice guy really, just always a bit scared to go against authority.”

“But not you?”

“No, not me” James smirked, looking way too confident for his own good.

They hardly talked after that, neither knowing what to say. Regulus turned back to his essay, feeling a lot less spiteful than before. 

He almost forgot that he was writing it passive aggressively, going over the last twenty minutes in his head over and over, checking if they were real or just some sad figment of his imagination. His brain’s desperate attempt to make him feel wanted by anyone. Even someone who had unknowingly broken him before.

☆

It was late when he got back to the apartment. He hadn’t told the J’s the reason why he was coming back so late because he guessed that it would just earn him another screaming match.

“Where were you?” Mrs J asked as soon as he walked into the cold apartment.

“At school.” He replied nonchalantly, walking towards his room, hoping that he could end the questions there for the day. He was too tired for this shit.

“No come back here!” She called aggressively. “Lyra! Don't make me come get you. Get your ass back here.”

Regulus just sighed at the ceiling, but he never made the effort to turn around. Too exhausted to care about whatever bullshit she was going to spew at him. All he wanted to do was to sit with his back to the door and let music overtake him while he tried to not over analyse every part of his encounter with James.

“LYRA!” She called again. This time coming closer to him.

He could see it, his door was right there. He was so close.

A cold hand snaked its way around the strap of his back, tugging him back. Finally, he turned to meet her scornful gaze. 'Ah shit. I'm so fucked'. He thought hastily before she could start interrogating him.

“I asked you a question!” facial expression never changing, her arms folding upward to cover her body as if to show authority, but all it displayed was insecurity and fear.

“Where were you?” she asked again

“At school.” he replied in the same way as he had just done a few minutes prior.

“Ok, what were you doing that late at school? Because of you I had to walk for half an hour to get my little muffin from school. Is this how our parents raised you?”

Regulus’ blood boiled under his stone cold skin. Flames in his heart that had been flushed out years ago, igniting inside of him, wanting to burn down  everything.

He dint even know how the fuck he was supposed to respond to that. No that's not how his parents raised him. But then again they never did much to raise them, too busy seeing there flaws too ever spare another glance at them.

He could feel his emotions bubbling inside of him, instead of feeling them however, he deflected them and answered with what he was best at; a sarcastic comment. “Half an hour? Wow that must really have been such a trek for someone your age. I’m so sorry, would you like me to go get you a cane?”

Mrs J. stood frozen in front of him, speechless, too shocked to even think of a good way to rebut him. Regulus took that as a silent permission for him to leave, and finally walked the two meters to his room.

As soon as he shut the door, his body collapsed in front of it, no longer strong enough to support him.

He closed his eyes, plugged in his headphones and listened to ‘Le paradis blanc’ by Michel Berger. All his anxiety melted away as the sound of whales filled his ears.

Thoughts of James and Sirius came and went in his mind, both good and bad, but at the end of the night, he decided on one soul thing, that he was going to avoid both like the plague until he got out of this shithole.