Where. Is. Peter Parker.

So Peter hasn't seen Wade in months (It's been nine months actually,) and with no word from him. Peter knows he can't die, but it's still an irrational fear, and one that's at the forefront of his mind especially over these last couple of months.

You see, Peter hasn't been on patrol, hasn't fought any bad guys, or had contact with anyone for these last couple months. (Okay, that last one's a lie, he just hasn't been in contact with Wade. But he definitely hasn't done any of the first two.)

See, Peter's very sick, and for some reason his healing isn't working, at all. He's been cooped up in the SHIELD hospital this whole time.

About a week after Deadpool went on a mission, Peter wasn't feeling like himself. Yeah, he's had like the flu or the common cold for like a day or two max, but that was rare. The only time he's ever been really sick was when a villain came up with something to make him sick.

He looked paler and he was tired a lot, even before going on patrol. It wasn't till he almost passed out while he was mid-swing when he was so dizzy on patrol that he went to SHIELD because Doc Connors might know something.

He didn't think he looked that bad till Steve Rogers grabbed him by the waist in the hall and swung him up into his arms.

"Woah kid!"

Okay, he's like nineteen, is he really still a kid? And he was only a little dizzy. Was there really any need for theatrics?

"You look like death Peter."

Peter sighed, placing his arms around Steve’s neck. “I’m fine Steve.”

“You don’t look it.” Steve placed a hand to Peter's throat while Peter held on weakly to Steve for support, before Cap’s eyes went wide. He took in Peter's fast heart rate, shortness of breath, and thought the kid was having a heart attack. He rushed him to in infirmary no matter what Peter said to him.

Peter may have rolled his eyes as he was laid on a cot, but God, it was heaven to stop moving and just lay down. He was so tired. He thought it was ridiculous he had tears of relief prickle in his eyes.

Even though the doctors and nurses fussed over him, the EKG looked fine, so no heart attack. It wasn't until they took some blood and ran a lot of tests before they figured it out.

Peter was suffering from anemia, but that wasn't the serious thing.

"What do you mean that's not the worst of it?"

The doctor sighed, "Mr. Parker, you have Stage Five Kidney Disease."

Peter, completely bewildered, asked, "What?"

"It means your kidneys are operating at less that 6% in your case. The anemia is a side effect. But the thing is Mr. Parker, it takes months, years for this to happen. The point you are at right now. It shouldn't be possible. I mean, with your age, your abilities." The doctor shook his head.

"So what do we do now?"

So Peter was stuck at the SHIELD hospital, cooped up and not allowed to leave the Helicarrier. He's been on the damn thing for nine months, even Nick Fury gets a break from the thing.

For the last couple months he's been on what they call Hemodialysis. He's been taking on water weight because he's not expelling fluid like he did (Thank God he's still peeing. The doctors say most people stop all together. It'd feel so damn weird to stop having to piss.) so they both clean his blood of waste and take off excess fluid. He has the dialysis three times a week, about four to five hours at a time, always on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. They have a chest catheter on the right side of his chest, so they have access to his blood. The amount of times they use to have to stick him to take his blood before the catheter was ridiculous. (Apparently being a hard stick is a common thing with people who have Kidney Disease) Now though, they can do it from the catheter, thank God.

Going through that version of dialysis is a really weird feeling, and he once walked over a bunch of taco meat on a dare (The shit Wade gets him to do.). It’s like during it, his whole body like vibrates and his limbs keep up that feeling for hours afterwards.

Also, the types of food he could eat was drastically cut. He can't eat things like tomatoes, potatoes, dark sodas, ice cream or chocolate because they are high in phosphorus. He can't eat hot dogs anymore, and that really crushed him.

What sucks balls is that he's stuck on a SHIELD diet thing, so he has to eat what they give him. (God does he miss the processed crap he use to eat. Oh God, and salt. They took salt away.)

The thing is, they can't fix it either. They are scanning his blood, body, kidneys. Anything and everything trying to figure out how to fix it. He could get a kidney transplant, but he's technically not human. He's Spider-man. They don't know if it'd even work.

Speaking of Spider-man. He technically isn't even Spider-man anymore.

They have some guy Peter doesn't even know who is like his twin bodywise, at least that's what Tony says (Peter won't believe it till he sees it.), and he's doing the whole gig for him. That hurts more than Peter's willing to admit, and he went through healing from a kidney biopsy like a human with normal healing, so that says some thing.

So yeah, he's stuck all by his lonesome (even if the Avengers and others do visit) and he hasn't seen his secret boyfriend in nine months. And if there is one thing Peter knows for sure when it comes to Wade and/or Deadpool, nothing good is going to happen when he gets back into town. He’s knows Peter and he’s going to go to his apartment and see he hasn’t been there in months, or (Peter has a sick feeling this is going to happen) Wade's going to know there’s a fake Spider-man.

(And Peter will admit to himself, it is tiring being right all the time.)

***

Deadpool has officially arrived back in New York, the big Apple, the city that never sleeps, the place of endless amounts of alien invasions and villain attacks, the home of his baby boy!

-PETEY!-

(We are going to get so much ass! Mmmmm, beautiful, amazing, yummy Spidey ass.)

He's so happy he keeps spinning his guns out of his holsters to try out all kinds of Wild West shit. He's totally got this shit in the bag. The advantage with him is if he shoots himself in the face, he'll be fine.

-John Wayne bitches!-

(Do you think Petey likes the Duke? We can sit around watching him being all manly together.)

"I don't know guys, we'll have to ask him. Now what do you think of this? We go get Spidey from patrol, serenade him with hot dogs or mexican, and we go back to his place and have amazing welcome back sex."

-Yes! Let's do it!-

(Perfect date material. He'll love it, just like he loves us.)

"I thought so too. Now we just have to find our little spider."

Deadpool whips his head to the side watching as said spider lands on a building a few blocks away.

"AH HA! Let's go!"

Okay, so getting to Spider-man is just a nightmare and utter fail, but he does manage to get up on the building behind him. Both boxes are singing different songs of sneak-a-toode, [Mission Impossible and Batman, to each his own.] only for Deadpool to stop in his tracks from tiptoeing noticing something very wrong with the 'Spider-man' in front of him.

Moving with the deadly force and stealth he's known for, [even the boxes stop singing, going quiet like they do only when Peter’s in danger] he grabs the 'Spider-man' by the back of his neck, slamming him into an air conditioner unit on top of the building, his gun pressed under his chin. Speaking in his rough voice, the one that is strictly Deadpool, he says, "Now, don't try anything stupid or I'll blow your brains out." The cocking of his gun [-not the fun one- (sad face)] under the guy's chin makes him know he means business.

"D-D-Deadpool." 'Spider-man' stammers.

"Listen here fuck face. You have three seconds to tell me where the real Spider-man is before I start blowing away kneecaps, or ripping your limbs off. I know that gorgeous booty anywhere and you," he places emphasis on the 'you' with a little extra pressure with his gun at the guy's throat, "don't have it."

"I-I am Spider-"

"One."

"I am-"

"Two."

"Dead-"

"Thre-"

"SHIELD!"

Deadpool stops from pulling the trigger of his gun at the guy's knees.

Sweetly he asks, "What?"

The guy coughs, "SHIELD. SHIELD knows. I-I don't know where-"

In that same dripping sweet voice he cuts the guy off. "Wrong answer."

He pulls the trigger blowing away the guy's right kneecap. He walks away from the guy screaming and writhing in agony. He could kill him but... blowing out his other knee cap could be just as satisfying.

And it is.

Now to go see Pirate-Patch.

And going to see Pirate-Patch means he gets on the Helicarrier and sneaks around like a fucking ninja without anyone noticing [though that meant beating the shit out of like ten people before they sounded the alarm] till he finds Fury in the middle an Avengers meeting.

He sees Captain Almost as Bootylicious as Peter, Tony with a Stick up his Butt Stark, Widow, Greeny, Goldilocks, Caw Caw Motherfucker, and that one babysitter agent.

Yeah fuck that. Being sneaky is over.

-Get him!-

(Fuck the rest of them! Get Captain Crunch!)

Deadpool drops down in front of Fury, surprising the fuck out of everyone, but before anyone, even the Black Widow, could react, he's got his gun cocked and pressed to Fury's forehead. "Anyone move and he's dead." He's speaking in that same dark voice from before.

Everyone stops, while Fury looks at Deadpool, the only indication of his surprise is his slightly raised eyebrow from his one good eye.

"Deadpool." He says calmly.

"Fury, make one move and I'll blow you away."

"Okay," he says just as calmly. "What has caused such...an unexpected visit?"

Deadpool's white lenses of his mask stare at the director of SHIELD. "Where. Is. Peter Parker."

Though Deadpool doesn't see it, most in the room wear surprised expressions while others school theirs. Fury remains ignorant, playing dumb.

"Who?"

Deadpool pressed the point of the gun closer to his skin, "Spider-man, don't act stupid. Where the fuck is he!"

"I don't know what-"

Deadpool aims his gun toward Fury's remaining eye, "Care to have two eye patches for your funeral?"

Fury refuses to say anything.

Deadpool is about to shoot him when Captain Bootylicious asks, "Why do you want to know where he is Wade?"

"Wade's not home right now. And Deadpool says it's none of your business."

Tony, still tense, rolls his eyes. "Maybe if you give us a reason, me might tell you where he is."

Deadpool smirks under his mask, "Or I could just blow this whole ship up with all the bombs I've set everywhere."

They can all see the detonator in his other hand.

"You wouldn't!"

"You couldn't!"

"There's no way!"

So many voices overlap but the words that reach him are, "You can't! He's here!"

Deadpool grins, dropping the play detonator on the table, speaking in his high pitched voice, "Kidding!"

Before disappearing.

Several shots are fired after him, but he manages to disappear like the badass montherfucking ninja he is. Fury thinks he's so stupid!

-Patches is so stupid.-

(Let’s go find Petey! He might be in danger! Or locked up! Or DEAD!)

SHUT UP! He’s not dead!

-Our booty can’t be gone!-

He follows the swarm of Avengers heading toward where he figures Peter is.

They lead him right to his baby boy.

***

Peter is dozing when he's startled awake with the Avengers running into his room Bruce included looking a little green around the gills.

All six of them and Coulson look like they're ready for a fight.

"W-what? What?" Peter asked dazed. He rubs the sleep from his eyes. "What's going on?"

"There's an intruder." Steve says in his Captain America tone.

"An intruder?" Peter sits up in his bed, sitting with his back against the bedframe.

"How you doing kid?" Clint asks with his bow nocked as he and Natasha scan the room like you see in all those police shows when they clear a room. Cap and Tony (in all Iron Man armor) are facing the door with Thor, ready for attack. Bruce stands at Peter's side and Coulson's at the other.

Peter looks at them like they've lost their minds. "If there's an intruder, why are you all in here?" He stops as realization dawns. "They're after me aren't they?" Horror and slight panic showing in his eyes and on the heart monitor next to him, "No one knows about my condition! How-"

"We don't know," Coulson says looking less composed than usual.

"Don't worry Peter," Bruce says. "We won't let anyone get to you."

Clint continues with, "And when we figure out who leaked it, we'll skin them alive."

Peter looks paler than usual, "Thanks for the Predator imagery Clint."

"Anytime kid." He says deadpan.

There's a tense few minutes, and Peter's trying to calm down. He can't protect himself right now. He's powers have been like nonexistent for months now. He feels so helpless, like he did before his powers when Flash was always beating the shit out of him. Like with Uncle Ben.

He looks out of the corner of his eye to see some red and black. It's from a slightly moved tile in the ceiling. He sees Deadpool's mask looking at him. If he was a dog, his tail would be wagging. Damn it. He is wiggling his whole body in a silent happy dance.

Realization dawns on his a second time. He slaps a hand to his face.

"Is the intruder Deadpool?"

Everyone turns to stare at him.

"Yeah..." Clint says.

Peter sighs, closing his eyes. He doesn't know if he wants to laugh or cry. "He won't hurt me."

Everyone's looking at him like he's grown an extra head.

"WHAT?"

"Are you crazy?"

"Peter what are you saying?"

"You are sicker than I thought."

"Young Man of Spiders!"

"No seriously guys. You can leave. I'll be fine."

They all start to protest.

"No, seriously. Trust me. Go. I'll be fine." He waves with his hands for them to leave.

They are still looking at him like he's crazy, but he just motions with his hands for them to shoo.

They eventually conceed, though he knows they are probably watching the feed of his room.

He rolls his eyes and sighs again. He's tired again. "Come on Wade."

Wade drops from the ceiling. Even through the mask, Peter can see the horror and concern on his face.

"Wade-"

"Petey what. I mean. Baby boy. Why are you. Who-" He can't seem to be able to get out a sentence.

Peter smiles softly at him, "Come here."

Wade sits on the edge of the bed like Peter's going to shatter. Peter smiles some more, acting like normal. "Lift your mask a bit. Where's my hello kiss?"

Wade obeys on autopilot. The boxes are spouting out theories that are making Wade's head spin. "Baby boy, what-what happened?" God, he's got tears in his eyes.

Peter kisses him again, snuggling into the older man's shoulder. "You remember right before you left and you were on patrol with me? When I thought I got bitten by that mosquito?"

Wade nods. "Yeah. It was the dead of winter. It was fucking freezing. No way it was a mosqueeto."

Peter laughs softly at the word, "Yeah. Well, you were right. It was some sort of dart or injection or something. The SHIELD doctors think some quack doctor/supervillain was trying out some serum or something that would cause heroes to lose their certain abilities and die or something. It caused my kidneys to fail, at least that’s what my biopsy results said, and my healings gone. It's also like my powers are like blocked or something. I don't know. It's weird. They said I would have died within two months if I hadn't come to SHIELD. It works pretty damn fast."

Wade's whole body is shaking with tension. "I'll kill him." Yep. Deadpool's talking again.

Peter runs his hands up Wade's inner forearm leading up to his hand, making it relax so he can hold his hand. "Hey. None of that. We need him alive so they can figure out how to fix this."

Deadpool stands up. "Then I'll find him and drag his ass back here. Kicking and screaming and make him fix you. Then I'll-"

"Hey." He grabs Wade back to him. "Fury's working on it."

Wade glares, "Fury is shit." And the boxes give their enthusiastic agreement to the statement.

Peter actually laughs at that. "Speaking of Fury. How'd you get in here?"

Wade looks innocently him, or as innocent as he can with the mask on. "I did nothing."

Peter glares at him. "Why don't I believe this?"

Wade leans over and kisses Peter one more time before pulling his mask down, "Don't worry baby boy. Deadpool is on the case!" He leans forward, whispering in Peter's ear, "And you'll just have to pay me back when you're better."

Peter blushes to his hairline. "Wade!"

But the mercenary is gone.

***

When Deadpool enters the meeting room with Director Fury and the Avengers, the atmosphere hasn't changed, but the direction of the mercenary's murderous energy has.

"Let's go get this son of a bitch."