"I'll use you as a warning sign
That if you talk enough sense then you'll lose your mind
When Sam Wilson was in high school, he had read about Captain America in history class. He had been interested, but pretended not to be. It wasn’t cool, and everyone else complained about having to learn all this, so that’s what Sam did. He didn’t need any extra attention, not after almost being caught kissing the cute new boy at the end of one of the pool parties. Not after one of the only openly gay boys at his school was beaten within an inch of his life, the word ‘faggot’ spray painted on his car in bright yellow paint. Sam wasn’t gay, he like girls, but he also like boys. (He supposed the closest thing to it was bisexual, although he dared not say it allowed.) He did not need any more attention, not with the vaguely racist things some of the other kids would say, oblivious to the cruel connotations behind their words. No, Sam Wilson did not need any more attention.
So he simply shrugged away any interest, occasionally looking down at the picture of Captain America, and wondering what it was like to be a real hero.
"I'll use you as a focal point
So I don't lose sight of what I want.""
When Sam Wilson joined the army, the first person he met was Riley. Riley, with his smile and his jokes. Sam liked him instantly. They were friends, best friends, and Sam could feel himself growing to love him. Like love. He didn’t know if he could ever tell him, didn’t want to lose what they had, couldn’t lose what they had. Of course, all those swallowed words and buried feelings did nothing in the end, and he could only watch as Riley was fell from the sky. Could feel all the things he never said burn his throat as he screamed his friend’s name.
Weeks after, he still cried at night, when no one could see, sobbing into the dark.
Never in his life had he felt more alone.
Sometimes, he wondered if he should just end it.
The gaping hole left by Riley had shaken him, and he didn’t know if he could continue with
He left the service, and for weeks, searched for something, anything, to numb the dull, empty pain in his chest. That’s when he saw it. The Captain America exhibit exhibit at the Smithsonian. He had heard the dug him out of the ice.
Walking through the doors, he heard voices and remembered reading about the man way back in high school. He read about Peggy Carter, read about the Howling Commandos, read about Bucky Barnes.
He read about Captain America. No, Steve Rogers.
He read about Steve Rogers, and how he kept fighting. How even after losing everything, he was still fighting, still stayed alive.
Sam shut his eyes as he stood there.
I’m going to keep living, he said. It wouldn’t be easy. It wouldn’t be easy, but he would keep trying.
He loved Riley. He knew he would never fully get over his death.
But he knew one thing.
It had broken his heart, but it didn’t break him.
"I've moved further than I thought I could
But I miss you more than I thought I would."
When Sam Wilson was offered the job to help vets with their PTSD, he almost turned it down. He was barely recovering himself, didn’t know if he would be much help. But he the more he thought about it, the more he wondered if he couldn’t give it a shot. What’s the worst that could happen?
So, he lead one meeting.
And then another.
And then another.
He found himself in his work, found himself smiling again. He was helping people. He may not be a real hero, like Captain America or the Avengers, or Riley, but he was helping people, and that’s all he ever really wanted.
"I found love where it wasn't supposed to be
Right in front of me
Talk some sense to me."
When Sam Wilson met Steve Rogers, he recognized him instantly, and honestly, he couldn’t believe it. He had been out running early in the morning, thanks to one of his many nightmares. Riley’s dying screams still haunted his sleep. He knew they would never leave.
But meeting Captain America himself? That was a surprise.
“On your left.”
The guy was a hot, fast, nice jerk.
That was also a surprise.
He found himself smiling, flirting even, because he knew he’d never get the chance to flirt with Captain Fucking America again.
And he found himself falling a little bit in love with the man.
That felt more than a little dangerous.
And he was right.
"I'll use you as a makeshift gauge
Of how much to give and how much to take."
When Sam Wilson first kissed Steve Rogers, it was a frantic kiss in the middle of the night. It was full of agony, full of pain, full of fear, and the screams that echoed in his mind.
They had been in their motel room, on the hunt for James Buchanan Barnes. Sam had fallen asleep, and for the first time since they began this “quest”, he woke up screaming.
“Sam,” Steve had said, shaking his shoulders. Sam sat up quickly, a cry dying on his lips. “Sam, Sam, it’s okay. I’m here. I’m here. It’s okay.” His hands slid down Sam’s arms, holding him here, to the earth, as Sam gasped and sobbed. Sam leaned forward, burying his face in Steve’s shoulder, and Steve had held him, and it wasn’t strange, it wasn’t awkward, because this was Steve, this was Steve Rogers. He didn’t care that he was showing “weakness”, he didn’t care.
“It’s okay. I’m here.”
Sam had looked up into those earnest, solemn blue eyes, and he wasn’t thinking, but he was. It hadn’t been Ryley who died in his dream.
It had been Steve. His Steve.
He had lost one man he loved before acted on his feelings. He wasn’t going to lose another.
He wasn’t thinking (but he was. He was, and it hurt).
He leaned forward, and their lips collided, and Steve was frozen, and Sam knew he made a mistake.
When he pulled back, face feeling like it was on fire, he gazed at Steve’s shocked face, about to mumble and run away. He had made a mistake, and now he had lost his friend. He had lost Steve. The thoughts ran through his head.
They ran through his head only to be pushed to the side as Steve’s lips pressed against his.
They fell silent as Steve Rogers kissed him, and he kissed back, the light of the full moon shining down through the window.
"I'll use you as a warning sign
That if you talk enough sense then you'll lose your mind ."
When Sam Wilson joined the Avengers, he had looked at Steve as they sat on the roof, under the night sky, and resisted kissing him right there, resisted grabbing his hand, and pulling him close, if only to feel the other man’s heart beat.
“So,” he said casually, barely containing the massive grin that threatened to break free on his face. “Guess I’m a real hero now, huh?”
Steve looked at him, slightly surprised, and gave him a small small and a shake of his head.
“You’ve always been a real hero, Sam,” he said. “Always.”
And that’s when Sam knew that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with this man, and the words were falling from his mouth before he could stop them.
“I love you.”
And without missing a beat, Steve had grabbed his hand, and they sat beneath the stars. “I love you too.”
It was the most at peace Sam had felt in years.
"I found love where it wasn't supposed to be
Right in front of me
Talk some sense to me."