Remorseless

Zara paced back and forth, eyes on the clock for a moment as she tried to work out what to do about the text messages that were SUPPOSEDLY from Ward. She ran her hands through her hair, pausing for a moment as she drew in a breath.

No. This is ridiculous. You've been through worse, don't lose your head over a text message. Or multiple text messages as it were... How do you know if it was Ward? It could have been any one of his goons, it could be someone playing a sick joke...

She shook her head at her own musings, realizing she was pacing again. She told herself firmly to sit down, a decanter of something that looked like scotch or bourbon catching her eye.

Well you DO need to relax...

She let out a breath, getting up to pour herself a glass, bringing the decanter with her and setting it down on the coffee table in front of her. She pulled the lid off and gave it a sniff, coming to the conclusion that it was almost certainly whiskey. She poured herself a glass, gulping it down straight, scrunching her face up as she swallowed the last mouthful.

Okay... So back to the Ward situation... First of all, texting is really not his style, especially given the effort he went to on the island. UNLESS things are getting a bit crazy in Hydra's camp. That would certainly explain Hydra soldiers shooting at me, and their precious asset. Why would they endanger him when he is so important to their cause? A containable super weapon that works on command... They'd be crazy to try and kill him... Unless they were just trying to subdue him, which is what I'd tried to do... Obviously they'd given him more credit than I had...

She poured another glass, necking it straight, thinking of the amount of bullets she'd unloaded into him. He'd barely even stumbled, coming after her like death itself. She shook the memory off, getting back to business.

Okay, and what about Bucky? If I tell him, he's only going to fly off the handle, and go into angry, protective mode... Are you really ready to face angry Bucky again? ...Yeah, didn't think so... But then again he'll be pissed if you don't tell him won't he?

Zara reached out to the decanter and took a big swig straight from the bottle, followed by another.

Wouldn't you rather do a bit of research and present him with facts? Beats the hell out of doing the scared little girlfriend thing and hiding behind him. Ward isn't only tormenting Bucky, he's tormenting YOU as well. The only thing that comes to mind is that fucking dream... He takes you both, and uses you for psychological torture to keep Bucky 'motivated'. They don't have their mind wiping machine, nor will the code-words work on him anymore. Without that tech all they have are the odd few telepaths. That's probably not enough control on it's own, especially if they burn out or die...

She sat up, reaching for the remote control to the stereo to turn it on, hoping that background noise would help her think a little more rationally. She hit play, Bucky's iPod coming to life in the dock, a favorite song of hers coming on. She laid back down on the couch, drumming along on her thighs with the music as she confronted her thoughts again.

Okay... So the plan is to not make a big deal of this, you don't even know how legitimate it all is, and if it really is him, then you know things are desperate if he feels the need to flush you out of hiding. You're going to need to trace the phone number if you can, and maybe do a ring around, see if Jessica can bring up any leads from her office. Maybe you can get Tony onto it, you just have to think of a way to bring it up that will keep Ward's name OUT of it...
Yes, this is good...
When you get the chance, trace the number. If you can't find a location, chances are he's used his brain and it's him. If you get an obvious signal, then it could be a lure. Fucking hell, it makes no difference really, does it!?...
The next stage is up to you. Maybe you can go down there and blow the base up. It wouldn't be the first time you've done it. Hell, this time you'll have a fair idea of what NOT to do, and if you leave Bucky out of it, then there's zero chance of another brainwashing, especially if Larson dies as well.

Zara smiled to herself for a moment, letting out a breath as her expression was once again replaced by one of worry. Bucky wouldn't like it, but then again, Bucky wouldn't have to know... He could get as mad as he liked, but at the end of the day he'd be safe, and then by default, she'd be safe as well. Then they could go back to being together without fear or any of the shit they'd been plagued with since, well... forever.

"Some say a comet will fall from the sky, followed by meteor showers and tidal waves. Followed by fault lines that cannot sit still, followed by millions of dumbfounded dip shits... Some say the end is near... Some say we'll see Armageddon soon..." She sang along with the song, the words striking a chord within her, that imaginary ball of ice in her chest reminding her of its presence as she closed her mouth, clenching her jaw as she held back the sudden urge to cry again.

Get your shit together... You're better than this.

She shook her head at herself, replacing the decanter lid before laying back down, her hands drumming on her thighs again as her eyes closed. She exhaled again, commanding herself to relax, her body deciding to obey her as she felt herself sinking into the soft couch cushions...

No, don't fall asleep here, Bucky doesn't need to come home to this... He needs to come home and everything be fine, or come home and I've gone out to see a friend... Yes, good idea...

Zara glanced at her phone, still nothing from Jess. There was only one other person who'd tolerate her while she was having a bad day, and coincidentally it was someone who could also help her with her little mystery phone number problem.
She stood up, and made a concerted effort to cross the room without falling over, regretting the amount of whiskey she'd necked from the bottle. Her skinny jeans were hanging in their usual spot, and she managed to change into them while holding onto the wardrobe door and pull a knit sweater she didn't know she had from the back of the dining room chair.
With little effort, she got her winter boots on, and on the way out the front door she shoved her phone into her back pocket and pulled the sweater over her head, letting out an annoyed sigh.

It's down to your knees, you idiot... No wonder you don't remember having a dark red knit, it's obviously Bucky's...

She gave a shrug, not caring any more. If she was honest with herself, it was warm and comfortable and she really didn't care what she looked like. It was a wonder she'd even bothered to swap sweatpants for jeans.
After a walk that took longer than it should have, and an interesting descent down a flight of stairs, she arrived at a set of double doors she'd gone through hundreds of times, not bothering to knock.

"Jones! What are you doing here?" Came Tony's voice from across the lab.
"Hey" She answered, stepping over cables and strange devices that had been spread out over the floor. She smirked to herself as she pictured herself in a minefield, only to look up to see Tony had come over to assist her.
"What the hell have you been doing?" He asked, putting his arm out to catch her as she navigated her way through a tangle of floor cables. She stepped over the last of the junk, thanking him for his help as they made their way over to where his desk was.
"Just chillin-out" She said, trying to come off as sober as possible.
"Yeah, well you smell like a distillery. Sit down." He said, pulling the edge of the leather couch over enough that she could sit on it and stay close enough to him to talk.
"What's going on, Zeej?"
"Nothing much... Bucky said to relax, and I'm feelin preeeeety relaxed" She smiled. "I just wanted to ask a favour, and see if you needed me to come hand you wrenches and stuff in return?"

Tony let out a sigh, running his hands through his hair.

"What favour?" He asked after a few minutes of quiet.
"Well..." Zara started, pulling her phone out, "Uuh... A friend of mine has been getting calls from a weird number. And I wanted to see if you could trace it or not? I said I'd ask you..."
"Got the number?"
"Yeah" She said, unlocking the phone and reading it out "We're pretty sure we know who it is, if we have an area code then we'll have a pretty good idea if it's him or not."
"Someone harassing said 'friend' of yours?"
"Yeah you could say that..."
"Hmm..." Tony pursed his lips, dialling the number, much to Zara's surprise.
"NO, DON'T CALL IT!" She blurted out, reaching out to snatch the phone from him, "He can't know we're trying to find him... Gotta keep it on the D.L, trust me"

Tony let out another frustrated breath, hanging up the phone and setting it down on the bench top.
"Who is this guy?"
"Someone who my friend had an unwanted encounter with, but she doesn't want to go to the cops unless she knows for sure it's him, which it may not be... But she's kinda thinking it may be him? It's complicated... But the area code or even better, the location will help clear it up for sure" She said, swaying a little in her seat and covering her mouth as a hiccup surfaced.
"And remind me why you're involved?" Tony asked, shooting her a concerned look.
"Good friend."
"Right."
"And she hasn't called the cops?"
"No. No point unless she knows for sure if it's him or not"
"That's not like you to let the authorities handle something..."
"Oh believe me, I would have kicked his ass myself, but a promise is a promise..."
"Okay, makes sense... And what's with the whole... You being drunk before 10.30am thing?"
"Needed to relax, and I guess I'm a bit of a lightweight these days..." She said, laying down on her side on the couch, covering her eyes with a hand.
"Are you okay? Not going to be sick?" Tony asked, suddenly worried about his very expensive couch...
"Just tired..."
"Have you eaten?"
"Nope"
"I'll call Barnes..."
"No, don't... I'll just rest here... Don't call" She mumbled, her eyes getting heavy as she succumbed to the alcohol.
"I'm calling..." He muttered, shaking his head.



Bucky answered his phone on the second attempt, his tone short and irritated.
"Oh good, you can answer a phone" Tony sassed, rolling his eyes in frustration.
"Don't start. What is it, I'm kinda busy..."
"I believe I have something of yours, passed out on my leather couch"
"Is she okay?" He asked, letting out a breath of relief.
"Of course she is, she's with me"
"I'm on my way"

Predictably, Bucky burst through the double doors into Tony's lab, stomping over to the couch in full protective boyfriend mode. Tony rose from his seat by the desk, stopping him before he could reach her, raising a single finger to his lips. Bucky took the hint, stepping back from Tony, the two of them finding a quiet corner to talk.
"What happened?" Bucky demanded, keeping his voice low.
"You'd know what happened if you didn't leave her on her own. I told you to LOOK AFTER her!" Tony snapped, "If that was Pepper, I wouldn't have let her out of my sight"
"Stark, you have no idea what you're talking about. She's not my prisoner, she's my fucking girlfriend"
"Well start acting like it, or you're going to lose her. We all are."

Bucky grit his teeth, the plates on his arm flexing as he fantasized punching Stark in the face for a moment, changing his mind thanks to better judgement. Tony smirked, cocking his head, his eyes going from the arm and back up to Bucky's face.

"You have no IDEA how worried I am about her. You haven't been there for the conversation's we've had, tears shed, or any of the deep, dark things she's said in her sleep. I know her, you don't. Maybe if you'd payed that kind of attention to Pepper, she'd have hung around..." He said, towering over Tony, his best intimidating face plastered on.

Bucky turned away, ignoring whatever it was that Tony snapped back in response as he made his way to the couch. His face fell when he saw her, dead to the word, curled upon her side.
"Zee?" He said softly, shaking her gently. Her eyes creased a little but when she didn't wake Bucky scooped her up, holding her tightly. He let out a long breath as he made his way out of the lab, shooting Tony a look as he passed him.
"I mean it Barnes... Watch her" He said, his tone less accusing this time, and more filled with concern. Bucky didn't stop, instead acknowledging Tony with an angry 'I don't wanna hear it' look, pushing past him.

He made his way down the corridor quickly, Zara in his arms. He glanced down at her occasionally, cradling her head against his chest gently. As much as he tried to ignore Tony's words, the guilt swelled inside him to a point that was just about unbearable. He clenched his jaw, hurrying, just trying to get back to their room as fast as he could without running into anyone.
It was a relief when he got to the door, kicking it shut behind him, letting out a long breath. He looked down at her again, she hadn't stirred once since he'd picked her up.
He made his way over to the sofa, stopping himself for a moment as he considered laying her down, instead sitting down himself, Zara still in his arms. He pressed the button to recline them back, and when he was comfortable he just sat and held her.
He closed his eyes, swallowing down the anger at himself, and the guilt that Tony had placed within him. She'd asked for space, and he'd granted her that. As far as he guessed, that didn't make him a bad guy...

Bucky let out a breath, brushing her hair back from her face, Zara finally stirring a little. He reached down, pulling her boots off one by one, her hand reaching up, gripping his shirt over his chest. His hand found hers, a metal thumb gently dusting her knuckles, making her grip tighten on him. She screwed her face up as she fought against herself to wake, turning to press her forehead into his chest as she let out a barely audible groan.
"You okay?" Bucky asked, his voice soft.  

It took her a few moments to get her head together, but once a simple 'yep' came out, Bucky felt some of the tension drain from his shoulders, and minute by minute she became more 'human' again.
"You came back for me" She mumbled, still gripping the front of his shirt, Bucky letting out a small chuckle to himself.
"Of course I did... I wasn't gonna leave you on Stark's couch..."

She mumbled something that he couldn't understand and drew her knees up, snuggling herself into him as his arms tightened around her. She stayed completely relaxed with him, much to his shock and relief.

"So what's all this about, huh?" He probed, keeping his voice soft and kind.
"Hmm?"
"Drinking... That's not like you..."
"No big deal" She said in the middle of a yawn,
"Well... It kinda is when it's out of the blue" He countered, rubbing her back with his flesh hand, "Talk to me..."
"I was just... Stressed. I poured a glass to make me feel better, and I guess It's been a while"
"Was it because of me? We can get you your own room if you need the space... Don't think you're obligated to be here for my sake, I understand"
"No... I wanna stay... Please"
 "What if we go speak to Reeves?"
"She has no idea..." Zara said, her words becoming clearer as her brain pulled itself out of the fog.
"What do you mean?"
"She thinks I have a fear of allowing myself to be vulnerable" She said, her head still resting against his chest. "It's ridiculous"
"Why is that so ridiculous?"
"Because everyone here is vulnerable. Those of us without super powers are helpless against Banner, Maximoff, Rogers... You... Just being in the same room as any of you guys, we're literally putting our lives in your hands"

Bucky let out a sigh, he didn't like what she'd said, but at the same time he didn't disagree with it.

"But here I am sharing a room with you, sharing a bed, sitting here in your arms... If that's not trust, then I don't know what is..." She added, her voice trailing off.
"Have you always thought of us like that?"
"No, not always. I was very naive for a long time I think..."
"Are you afraid of all of us that are enhanced?" He asked, "Of me?" He added, flinching a little at his own words.
"No, not at all... I trust you"
"Are you sure?" He asked, not completely convinced. She nodded against him, still holding onto him tightly.
"Yeah, I'm sure."

Bucky pressed a kiss to her forehead, neither of them ready to move just yet. Zara lifted her head, kissing him under his jaw, Bucky dropping his chin to look at her. She kept her expression neutral, looking into his eyes as if trying to solve a puzzle, before her hand left his chest to run her fingers down his jaw. He let out a hesitant breath, still watching her as she closed her eyes, leaning in to kiss him slowly and tenderly, both of them tensing a little. He gave her a smile, pulling away a little as he studied her as she had done to him.

"I think you are afraid of me" He said quietly, cutting the bullshit, Zara sitting up a little somewhat stunned, shaking her head.
"I have a very healthy respect for what you're capable of... But while you're 'you', I have nothing to be afraid of. Do I?"
"Of course not"
"Well then... There's your answer"
"It's not that simple" He said, a frown on his face now.
"Yes it is... Unless deep down you WANT me to be afraid of you?" She said accusingly.
"Don't try to psycho-analyze me" He said, annoyed now.
"Well don't try to psycho-analyze ME" She countered, both of them sitting face to face again, both irritated and worried at the same time. "I'm not as delicate as you think I am... You think I'm made of glass"
"I'm not saying you're delicate, Zee... I just worry that this last 'adventure' hit you harder than the others - and understandably, too. I don't want you to feel claustrophobic here with me, but it'd be good to be able to talk about it if you need to"

Zara nodded, letting out a long breath, the room spinning far too much for a conversation so heavy.

"I'm fine. I just have a lot on my mind, but you killing me in my sleep - or beating me to a pulp isn't a worry to me... And the day it is, then we'll talk"
"What's on your mind?"
"Can we talk about it some other time?" She asked, exhausted again. Bucky relented, nodding as she laid herself back down against him again, her arms finding their way around his neck as she closed her eyes and pressed a kiss above his jaw.

"Only if you promise not to get drunk again without me" He said, Zara nodding against him again. He wrapped his arms around her again, feeling her body relax as he held her. Uncertainty gripped him again as he glanced down at her peaceful face. She said she was fine, but every instinct he had screamed at him that that wasn't the case, and that there was more to the story she wasn't telling him...

The rest of the day was an uneventful, quiet day. Bucky was grateful that he was pretty much 'off duty' for the time being, while the others were sent out on various missions.
The 'serious' conversation topics were swept off the table, the two of them vegging out on the couch under a quilt having a junk food and funny movie day - a rare pleasure for them both.
Pizza was on the cards when it got late, followed by another movie which they chose at random after not being able to agree what to watch.




Bucky opened his eyes on hearing a female voice muttering something in front of him. It took him a few moments to realize they'd fallen asleep on the couch, Zara laying in front of him, her back to his chest. The T.V lit the room up with a faint blue glow, the movie having finished hours ago, the display on the clock showing that it was after 3am. He let a breath out, deciding that despite everything, they were both warm and comfortable, and she was still wrapped in his arms where he knew she was safe.

The muttering came and went as it often did when she'd had a few crappy nights of sleep, nothing specific or anything that he could understand clearly until both 'Hydra' and 'Ward' got a mention. Bucky's interest was piqued as he listened intently, Zara unexpectly rolling over in his arms to face him, gripping the front of his shirt in both fists and burying her face in his chest. Bucky wrapped an arm around her to stop her falling if she moved again, and she was quiet again for a few moments, laying quite still until she started trembling. He frowned, wishing he could dive into her dreams and save her from whatever was plaguing her.
Her grip on his shirt tightened as she pressed herself harder against him, the muttering starting up again...

"It doesn't matter... It doesn't matter... He's no use to you without me... You can't torture him if I'm dead..."

Her breathing picked up pace and her body tensed, Bucky would have been tempted to wake her if he didn't want to find more out. He held her, trying to stay as still as possible as to not interrupt her train of thought - or speech as it were...

"Your days are numbered... Just you wait, Ward... You can't hurt him if I kill you first..."

Bucky frowned, his lips parting as his mind ran at one hundred miles an hour... He wondered if her erratic behavior could be attributed to a plan that she'd been formulating? Did SHE even know what she was doing, or was her subconscious plotting something? Was Zara going on a solo mission, or was it all just crazy nightmare-talk? People often spoke in their dreams of things they wished they could do, and usually this wouldn't have bothered him, but this WAS Zara, and she was well known for acting recklessly and on impulse.

Christ Zara... What's going on in that head of yours? I can't protect you if you don't talk to me...

"I can save Bucky... One of us is going to die, Ward... And I'm not afraid anymore" She muttered, letting a breath out and going limp in his arms again, deep sleep taking her again.
Bucky felt his heart pick up pace, he suddenly hoped that he'd been right and that it was just the nightmare talking. If not, the clock was ticking and he'd have to figure out what she was planning before she put whatever it was into action.

"You're not gonna die, Zee, and I won't let anyone hurt you... You're safe" He soothed her as she slept, not completely sure if he was convincing her or himself. The knot in his stomach suggested that maybe it was the latter... Bucky let out a breath as that horrible out-of-control feeling that he hated took him over.
He sure as hell wasn't going through losing her again to a stupid Hydra attack, nor was he ready to let her go on one of her crazy missions. A gut feeling was something he never ignored, and everything inside him screamed to keep her safe. Easier said than done if she wouldn't talk to him. Bucky of all people knew there were way to make people talk, if it came to that...

He'd rather scare the hell out of her than lose her to a suicide mission... He let out a sigh, looking down at her again, her face peaceful and trusting as she snuggled herself against his chest. He suddenly hated himself for all she'd been through, and all she was going to go through if he had to force information out of her.
It was clearly going to be a long night, and he was going to have to work out what course of action to take, preferably the course that would leave her not hating him, but any course would have to do if it meant she wasn't going to go out and get herself killed.

As long as she's safe, it doesn't matter. I owe her that much...