Remorseless

Condensation on the glass window seemed to isolate Zara from the outside world even more than she felt she already was. She let out a huff of breath, focusing on her stretches, killing the time until Bucky arrived back at the room. She stood up, reaching to place her palms flat on the ground, feeling the muscles stretch. She slowly lifted her feet off the ground, testing her strength and balance in a handstand, letting herself back down again just as slowly.

Christ...

She grit her teeth, annoyed at how sore her body still was from what she could only assume was the car crash... She paused for a moment thinking of that night and the weeks after it, the changes she'd noticed in both herself and Bucky. She'd been incredibly tolerant of his ever changing moods, and he'd been incredibly supportive of her, even when she didn't want him to fuss over her.
She hadn't heard a peep from Ward in days, and Tony's trace hadn't given them any information on the number, which is what she'd feared. Bucky had been quiet in the last couple of days since she'd stupidly gotten herself drunk, whereas she'd been completely expecting him to confront her or bring it up now that the dust had settled, but nothing...
This frustrated her more than she thought it should. For Bucky to let something like that go, and then go all quiet was very unlike him. Either he was having a couple of bad days or it was the calm before the storm...

She shrugged her thoughts off, continuing on with her stretches, only stopping when the click of the door interrupted her, Bucky stepping into the room. He paused, looking at her quizzically for a moment as he dropped his gym bag down before closing the door behind him.
"Hey" She said with a smile, breaking the awkwardness as best she could.

He made his way over to her, muttering a 'hey' in reply on the way. He held out a hand to help her up when he got to her, which she took.
"What are you doing, you're supposed to be resting..." He said, a clearly unamused expression on his face. Zara frowned, a little bothered by his demeanour.
"I was just having a stretch, I was feeling a bit stiff..." She said, stretching her neck both ways, a loud crack startling them both, "See?" she added, rubbing the sore spot.
"You shouldn't do that..." He half-scolded her, raising his hand to wordlessly ask permission to feel it for himself.

Zara closed her eyes, mentally commanding herself not to flinch or jump which she was pretty sure worked, until he let out an exasperated puff of breath when his flesh hand started kneading the muscle. He hit a spot that hurt, making her screw her face up, Bucky quickly withdrawing his hand.
"Sorry, sore spot-"
"-Which is why you should be resting." He said, his voice still stern and grumpy. He leaned in to give her a quick kiss on the forehead, that frown that had been there for days still on his face. "I'm having a shower"

He made his way to the bathroom without another word, Zara biting her lip suddenly feeling very insecure... She went over the last couple of days in her head, thinking of all the things she might have done to annoy him. It had to have been the alcohol, he hadn't mentioned it since, but he'd been stand-offish and grouchy... More so than usual...
She blew out a frustrated breath, crossing her arms for warmth as she made her way to the coffee machine, turning it on and pulling two cups from the shelf in the kitchen. She glanced at her phone while the machine warmed up, her usual text from Jess was on there, which brought a little brightness to her otherwise dull morning. She shot her a light hearted text back as always, her eye catching the word 'Unknown' among the names of the last contacts to send her a message. Her mind went into overdrive again wondering what to do about those messages. She locked her phone, the coffee machine going quiet beside her as she added the milk.

It COULD be Ward... It makes sense that the GPS on his phone would be switched off... But then again... Ugh, who knows!?

She'd spoken to Jessica Jones very briefly when privacy had presented an opportunity, glossing over what had happened, but more to the point to get her on Ward's trail. As always she was already a step ahead, the Larson family offering a substantial reward for the return of their missing son which she'd gotten straight onto. Her logic was that if she found Larson - she'd find Ward. Only problem now was avoiding mind control which meant she'd have to get in touch with Tony Stark... Something she'd been hoping to avoid for the sake of anonymity, and keeping her abilities off a potential 'superhero registration act' or whatever they were calling it now. Zara had had to end the call when Bucky had walked in, Jessica stopping her for a moment and asking when they could catch up.
"We have stuff to talk about... About Dad..."
Zara had agreed, the subject of having a living relative nearby something that tugged at her heartstrings. The two of them promised to have that discussion sooner or later, both in agreement that the Ward and Larson situation took priority for the moment.
"Look after yourself, Little Jones" Jessica has said, ending the conversation...



"I made you a coffee" Zara said when the bathroom door opened, Bucky stepping out in a cloud of steam, rubbing his wet hair with a towel.
He said a quiet thank you after setting the towel down over the back of a chair to dry, making his way over to her in a fitted T-shirt and fresh sweatpants. She let out a frustrated breath, Bucky noticing as he stopped in front of her, leaning on the kitchen counter with one hand.
"It's gotten weird again... Hasn't it?" She asked, not feeling brave enough to look him in the eye. "You've gone all quiet..." She added, lifting herself onto the bench where she could sit at eye level with him.
"Something's been bothering me" He admitted, clearly trying to work out how to say whatever it was he needed to say... Zara's heart took off, worried now.
"I'm gonna level with you..." He said, leaning against the bench, one hand either side of her knees, "You've been talking in your sleep, and I think you're planning something"

Zara let out a breath of relief, even smiling for a moment.

"I'm not planning anything" She said, reaching forward to push his wet hair off his face, her hands lingering on his cheeks for a moment. She pulled back again when his expression didn't change, confusion sweeping over her as she cocked a brow.
"You don't believe me do you?" She asked, a little sad suddenly.
"The last three nights in a row, you've said the same things, and it's been a fight, and then you've announced you're sacrificing yourself for me-"
"It's just a dream. A really, really shitty dream..." She assured him.
"It just worried me because you've run off before to save the world, and I can't let you do that again... And there's no way in HELL you're giving your life for mine," He said, his face sombre, "I can't go through that again, Zee"
Zara frowned, nodding in response, understanding where he was coming from.
"It's just a dream, Buck. As much as I wish I could make all this go away, I have no idea where Ward is, why we were shot at that night or why any of this is going on at all... I just want to keep you safe..."
"And I want to keep YOU safe" He came back, his hands creeping to her thighs to grip them gently as he looked intently into her eyes.

Zara let out a breath, grabbing him by the front of the shirt and pulling him towards her. She wrapped her arms around his neck, his arms finding their way around her waist, holding her a little tighter than usual. She closed her eyes, just enjoying being in his arms where she knew she was safe, pushing any traces of fear or worry to the back of her mind for the moment.
"Can we just stay like this forever?" She whispered, her voice shakier than she'd prefer it to be.
"That'd be fine by me" He whispered back, leaving a kiss on her cheek as he gave her another squeeze. "What happened in your dream?"
"We don't need to talk about that..." She said back, Bucky pulling away from her for a moment, eyes on hers again.
"I want to know what going on in that mind of yours... Good or bad." He said, "Maybe I can help?"

She bit her lip, giving her head a little shake before looking back over to him.
"It's all just about what happened with us, mixed with some stuff from the past. It's really not worth bringing it all up again. We're good now, it's just a stupid dream, and I'll get over it eventually. Really." She said, Bucky not moving again.
"So I hurt you in your dream?"
"You aren't gonna let this go are you?
"Nope."

"Okay" She said, letting out a sigh, "So in my dream, you're being controlled again. This time there's no safe house or time to come up with a plan... We both know I can't fight you off, you take me, and next thing we're at the Hydra base in the mountains - the one you got me out of last year..." She said, making eye contact with him, Bucky nodding as he set the scene in his head.
"You turned me over to the men in the tunnels and then left, and it's an exact repeat of what really happened back then-"
"What men in the tunnels?"
"Bad men, the kind that beat up and do terrible things to girls... Not the sort of story a guy wants to hear about his girlfriend, trust me" She said with a dark chuckle as she pushed the memory back out of her head. "Anyway-"
"-Hang on... What happened, Zee?" He asked gently, ducking his head to try and coax her into looking at him.
"Come on Buck, use your imagination and save me the re-hash" She said quietly, her eyes embarrassed when they eventually found his.
He drew in a sharp breath, a frown forming on his face as he reached out to take her hands. Zara pulled them away, placing them on his chest enough to push him back a couple of steps.

"You know what? Some other time..." She whispered, sliding off the bench, landing in front of him. She glanced up at him when he stood his ground, both hands still leaning on the counter, blocking her in. She drew in a breath, backing herself against the bench, looking up at him uncomfortably.
"I should have gotten you out earlier. We should have gone looking when you weren't recovered..." He said, hanging his head. "You didn't have to go through that, I should have been there to protect you, so many times... But I wasn't"
"Don't say that... You all thought I was dead, Tony's machine read my vitals and there was nothing there" She shrugged dismissively, looking down as she picked at her fingernails.
"Tony's machines don't work for SHIT!" He snapped, making her jump as his metal hand closed hard enough to crack the bench top. The plates on his arm recalibrated, making a robotic whir as he seethed, jaw clenched and eyes narrowed.

Zara sucked in a breath, feeling her body tremble as she backed herself against the counter as hard as she could. Bucky raised his hands apologetically as he calmed himself, Zara staying where she was.
"I didn't mean to scare you, I'm sorry..." He said, gently reaching for her again, pulling her into his arms. "What kind of guy leaves a girl in that situation... And then kidnaps her and beats the hell out of her? ...I don't deserve you"
"I was dead, Buck. Most people don't come back from that. We both knew I was wasn't gonna last long, I remember it. I was so scared, and you were trying to be brave for me. You held me and kept me warm... In my last moments you kissed me, and I died safe and warm in your arms..."
"You weren't safe at all, you would have been safer if I'd done my job properly, or if I'd kept you the hell away from that bunker like I should have done!"
"You couldn't have kept me away if you'd tried, that was my battle to fight, and I don't regret taking that bullet for you. Not for a second..."
"The bullet wasn't the hard part, the six months of torture-"
"-It was hard, but that was the price I had to pay to protect you that day, and I'd do it again if I had to... That's what I dream of. The beatings, the attacks, starvation, threats, and that fucking chair..." She said, her breath hitching as she swallowed down the urge to cry, staying tough. "I remember it all. I woke up and I didn't know where I was. It was freezing cold, and dark down there, and all I wanted was you. I asked for you over and over and they kept saying 'soon enough, soon enough'... I can still hear those words as clear as day in my head"
"That won't happen again, Zee... I promised I'd keep you safe before, and I broke that promise. This time I won't okay?" He said, desperation in his eyes as he took her face in his hands.
"I've never told anyone what they did to me..." She said, shame in her voice, "I wasn't going to tell you... No-one wants a girl with THAT kinda baggage"
"You think YOU have baggage?" He asked, gesturing at his arm in such a way that she couldn't help but smile a little, wiping her eyes.
"I just didn't want you feeling sorry for me or anything. I'm a big girl, I can take care of myself, and I guess that's why I didn't tell you any of that stuff earlier, or any of the other stuff that happened. You were right, it's good to get it out, but I don't want your pity, okay? I don't want anyone's pity..."
"I know you can take care of yourself, but everyone has their limits... I just hate that the whole thing was because of me. I've done a lot of bad stuff in my life, but the things I've done to you... I'll never forgive myself for."
"You didn't make those choices for me that day in the field... And I was the one that made you go back to the warehouse the night Larson got into your head. It's all on me." She said, Bucky shaking his head at her.
"Shut up... Just... No more of that, okay?" He said, pulling her against him again, holding her tightly, "I'm the super soldier, I've been through wars and I know when it's time to fall back. I didn't make the call and it cost you, both times. I'm supposed to be the hero, not the fucking villain"
"You are my hero, you've saved my life more times than I can count-"
"And I'll continue to do it for the rest of your life, which is why I won't let you anywhere near Ward or Hydra or any of them... And if they try to hurt you, I'll rip their throats out, just like I'm gonna do when I find those men that hurt you"
"You and Steve already killed them all..."
"...Just as well"

"Buck?" She asked, stepping back enough to look him in the face again, "This Ward and Hydra thing... I won't be left on the sidelines. If I'm on the bench, then so are you. Just so you know..."

Bucky pursed his lips, stopping himself from arguing back now that they were both on good terms with each other.
"Let's talk about it some other time... Okay?" He offered, Zara nodding, "I love you, Zee" He whispered, taking her face in his hands as he leaned in to kiss her.
"I love you too."
"Are you gonna tell me the rest of your dream?"
"Some other time... That's enough doom and gloom for one morning, don't you think?" She smiled, making him chuckle. "Your coffee's gonna go cold..."

He smiled as he took a sip, letting out a dramatic moan.
"You make a good coffee, babe"
"That's the real reason you keep me around, isn't it?"
"Maybe... Maybe not" He said, his eyes smiling, the mood significantly lighter now.

Zara chuckled, giving him a playful shove as she picked her phone up, unlocking the screen.
"Who are you messaging?"
"All my other boyfriends..." She teased,
"What are their names, I'll sort them out" He threatened, making her laugh again.
"No I was actually just deleting a few messages, I've been talking to Jessica Jones a bit lately. I was going to ask you to take me into the city to meet up with her... But obviously that will have to wait" Zara said, giving a dismissive shrug.
"Not necessarily..." Bucky said, cocking his head as he gave her a smile. "What's the fascination with this woman anyway?"
"Well... We're actually related..."
"Are you sure? There are thousands of Jones's around"
"Not many out there who's father was Brian Jones, who supposedly died in a car accident with his family in the late 90's"
"But your father's name was Donald..."
"That's right, in Massachusetts after 1991 he was Donald Jones... He started a life there after he knocked my Mom up. He was still 'Brian Jones' in New York up until his death in '98 or '99..."
"He had a double life?"
"Yeah you could say he was quite clever about it... The car accident was obviously staged so he could fake his death and dispose of the family. Jessica was still in junior high, she survived somehow, she wasn't supposed to. According to state records he died then and there. I guess the lie was too hard to keep going... He was good at that obviously, y'know, the whole him turning out to be a Hydra agent thing..."
"No shit..."
"So Jessica went off to a foster home, later found out that she was actually enhanced. Again, no idea if it was from the crash, or already in there, but that's all she remembers. She said he was always away on business, obviously off cheating on his wife with my Mom. I was an accident, but by then he was too deep in the Hydra game to commute back and forth so he did what he felt he had to. You kind of have to be around a little more when a baby comes along, I don't even know if Mom knew about the other family. Probably not!" She said with a shrug.
"I suppose she was Hydra as well, which explains my upbringing... That's all I know, and I've dug up everything I could. Jessica has some old photos and a few bits and pieces. She wanted to meet up away from Shield to talk to me in person. Neither of us have any other living relatives, so I guess that's something, huh."
"Absolutely" Bucky said, still shaking his head in awe, "You should try and connect, I know if I had family, I'd want to know them. It was something having Steve after all these years... Even if it took a while for me to realize it." He smiled fondly.

Bucky bit his lip, ideas beginning to form in his head. Maybe being cooped up all this time was doing more harm than good? Zara was clamming up and walking on eggshells, and he was no better, always worrying about frightening her or getting in her space, when all she seemed to want was to be with him for some reason he couldn't fathom. Maybe they were so institutionalized that they weren't seeing things clearly? Whatever the reason it tore him up just to look at her, and if she looked up at him with that fake smile one more time he was sure he was going to lose it altogether. Who's idiotic idea was it to put an unstable super soldier in a room with a girl who he'd just kidnapped, held hostage and beaten half to death? And then made them share a bed together!? Given the revelation of her past experiences it was a wonder she trusted men at all, never-mind one that had continually let her down and threatened her.

Maybe she's crazier than I am?

Bucky shook his thoughts off, self deprecating was stupid, and he knew damn well she wasn't crazy, just crazy for him... Okay maybe she WAS a little crazy, but that was okay, wasn't it?

Ugh, the only thing that's driving us nuts are these four walls along with their rules and their cameras... We gotta get outta here




"Tell you what," He said after a thoughtful pause, "why don't we make that trip into the city? I'll take you, we'll go by road and stay under the radar. You'll be safe with me, especially if we keep it all on the down low... Might be good to get away from this place for a few hours"
"Or dangerous... What if Wards' lurking somewhere with his mind control friend?"
"We happen to know for a fact he's nowhere in New York..." He assured her, watching as she arched a brow. "What, you think you're the only one around here with contacts?"

Zara let out a defeated sigh, "What if half the cars here are bugged?"
"Then we take the bike."
"A motorbike? Are you serious!?" Zara chuckled, nervously.
"What, you don't trust me?" Bucky teased her back.
"Last time I got on the back of a bike with someone, I almost got killed!"
"I bet it wasn't on a bike full of gun holsters with an armed super soldier?" He said, his face grinning with excitement now. "I won't let you fall... Easier to make a getaway if we do get chased, anyway."
"How am I supposed to hang on if I'm so sore? I'll come straight off the back."
"Passenger backrest, plus you're on board with me. If you move, I'll grab you."

Zara pushed her hair back off her face and blew out another breath, trying her best to hide a smile, which proved difficult with Bucky grinning at her like a cheeky schoolboy.
"What happened to 'you need to rest, Zara, you're so fragile, Zara'" She said, imitating him in her best 'moody Bucky' voice. He raised a brow at her, Zara cocking her head as if waiting for a good answer.
"You weren't going to rest anyways, how is that any different to sitting behind me on a bike for a couple of hours?"
"What if I get stiff and cramped?"
"Then I'll give you a massage"
"Hmm..." Zara pondered, "that actually sounds really nice"
"I can give you one before we go if you like? Just say the word..."
"Lets see if she's even going to be around, first!" Zara scolded him, picking up her phone.

Zara Jones 8.10am
Hey Jessica, are you around today? Was thinking of making a trip to the city in stealth mode to have that family bonding time we discussed...

While she waited for a reply she got a pair of jeans and leather boots out for herself, Bucky tossing her a leather jacket which she caught and set down on the bed as she dressed. She put her hair back in a French braid, making a quick dash to the bathroom to put a little makeup on.
"Oh what a shame, looks like she hasn't replied and we can't go out like Evel Knievel this morning" Zara said, pretending to be upset, Bucky smirking at her.

Right on cue her phone vibrated on the bench, Zara beating Bucky to it to snatch it up, Bucky stifling a laugh in the background.

Jessica Jones 8.32am
Yeah I'm home for a few hours. Obviously Ward isn't around?

Zara Jones 8.32am
Apparently he's not in NY at all. Bucky offered to bring me down to see you after I filled him in on the whole family thing, is that okay?

Jessica Jones 8.34am
Sure, I'll send you the address

Zara Jones 8.35am
Awesome, looking forward to it. Oh, and he doesn't know about me looking for Ward so if we could keep that between us for now, that'd be great. I'll tell him once we know more, he worries... See you soon, we'll leave now x

Jessica Jones 8.35am
Got it. Sent you a map link, it's a bitch to find otherwise. Drive safe.

"Looks like we're going after all..." Zara sighed, deleting any incriminating messages from her phone, waiting for the map link to come through. Bucky smiled as if he was way too happy about getting her on the bike, Zara smiling back weakly.
"Hey..." He said, stepping over to her, placing his hands on her shoulders as he looked into her eyes. "I know you're nervous about leaving the base, going out into the world, and getting on that damn bike... Maybe even being alone with me, not that I'd judge you for it-"
"Buck-"
"-No, listen." He cut her off, his face serious, "I owe it to you to keep you safe, and I promise that I'll look after you and get you there and back without a scratch..."

Zara blew out a breath, puffing out her cheeks as she did, looking up at him nervously. She gave him a nod, despite herself.
"I trust you..." She said, Bucky giving her a kiss on the forehead in reply. He reached over, passing her the leather jacket and helping her into it before pulling his own on and zipping it up.
"I love you too much to let anything happen to you, Zee. What do I always say to you?"
"That you'll keep me safe?"
"Exactly... And I might even buy you lunch, too." He said, that flirty smile crossing his lips again for the first time in weeks.

"Okay, in that case... Let's do this"