Remorseless

Zara woke up with a gasp from her dream, an arm tightening around her before she had the chance to get her bearings back. She pushed against her attacker, palms against his broad, firm chest as she struggled against him. She HAD to escape, every attack had gotten worse and worse, and now she was in his clutches again and couldn't fight her way free. Another strong arm grabbed her, a cold metal arm and it was at that point she knew she was dead. She struggled harder against him, her heart racing and her head spinning in a daze as she fought with her whole body to get away.
"No, no, no!" She cried, her fists coming down against him. She felt her breath leaving her as he called her name over and over, not sure what game he was playing now.
The room lit up a second after she realized she was pinned, stunning her for a moment as her eyes adjusted to the sudden change.

"Zara... It's me..." Came the voice hovering over her, Zara squinting up at him as he released her.

Her vision cleared and Bucky materialized in front of her with a very worried look on his face, Zara still gasping for breath. She sat herself up and pushed the damp hair back off her face with shaking hands, her eyes darting around the room before landing back on his.
"I'm sorry" She breathed, mortified, scooting herself off the bed. She found her sweatpants on the floor beside her and yanked them on, making a haphazard dash for the wardrobe and pulling a jacket out.
"Zee, it was just a nightmare, what are you doing!?" Bucky asked, feeling both confused and helpless as he made his way over to her. He reached out, stopping her as she thrust an arm into the sleeve of her jacket, recoiling a little at his touch.
"I just need air" She said, breath still heaving. She zipped the jacket up, yanking a pair of wool-lined boots on.
"I'll come with you"
"No, I just need a few minutes of air, I'll be back. It's not you, I just need... Just... I'll be back, I promise" She said, pulling a scarf from the hook and wrapping it around her neck as she made a beeline to the door.



Zara made her way down the hallway quickly, making sure she wasn't followed, and took the next stairwell to the highest balcony she had access to, half jogging, half pulling herself up the stairs by the hand rail. She pushed the external door open, the cold air hitting her lungs like a kick to the chest... But one she felt she needed to knock the sense back into her. She made her way to the glass railing, leaning against it as she dragged a much needed deep breath in, closing her eyes.
It was raining heavily outside again, the sound of it somewhat soothing to her as she took several more deep breaths, stifling a sob. Zara opened her eyes, grateful she'd run out to one of the covered over balconies. It was cold, but at least she was dry. She pulled up one of the outdoor chairs beside the glass and sat herself down on it as her hands went to her pockets, grateful to find what was left of her last pack of cigarettes.
She smiled to herself as she pulled one out, put it in her mouth and cupped the end so she could light it. With the first exhale, she felt stress leave her body along with the smoke. Her shoulders dropped as she relaxed, shoving the lighter back in her pocket as she wiped the sweat off her face. She leaned against the back of the chair, suddenly feeling bad for running out on Bucky in the middle of the night. She knew him well enough to know that he'd be worried sick, and he'd either be pacing back and forth in the apartment, or he'd have followed her. She was hoping it wasn't the latter, in any case she'd have to get over her little 'moment' as quickly as possible'

She let out another long breath, noticing she was still shaking, her thoughts going to her dreams. Frustratingly, they'd been the same all week, the worst one being tonight. Was it his presence that set her off? Maybe it was the talk they'd had after he'd broken the stupid coffee mug?
She tried to shake it off, taking another breath of her cigarette, suddenly feeling hit by an unavoidable wave of emotion. Her lip trembled and despite herself she didn't try to stop it now that she was alone. It was almost a relief when the first few tears fell, if she wasn't so damned shaky and confused she might have even enjoyed the release it should have brought her.

The door behind her was pushed open, catching her by surprise, Zara wiping her cheeks dry with the back of her hand as she shook the emotion off like flicking a switch. She glanced down at the cigarette, deciding it was too late to hide it. Whoever was coming through that door would no doubt be able to smell it.
"Hey" came a familiar voice she hadn't heard in a while.
"Sam?"
"The one and only" He said with a beaming smile, stepping towards her, pulling up the other outdoor chair. "What are you doing out here, Jones?" He asked, catching sight of her face, frowning suddenly.

Zara plastered on her best embarrassed smile, waving cigarette sheepishly between two fingers.
"Busted..." She said with a shrug, butting the last of it out, blowing the smoke away from him as she shoved the butt into her pocket. "Bad habit" She added.
"No, I could see you were having a smoke... I meant what are you doing out here at almost three a.m in the freezing cold?" He asked, looking into her eyes.
"Just couldn't sleep" She said with a smile and a shrug as she leaned forward to stand, Sam standing at the same time. "I need to lay off the coffee" She chuckled awkwardly.
"Zeej..." He said, his voice taking on a rare, serious tone, making her swallow hard, "I wasn't born yesterday... You wanna talk about it?"
"Talk about what? I just couldn't sleep, it happens sometimes" She said, looking everywhere but his face, "Could ask you the same question - why are you out so late?"
"Just got back from a mission," He clarified, letting out a long breath, cocking his head to get her eye contact back. "Come talk to me anytime, okay? I'm good at this stuff, ask anyone" He added, beaming her a smile which she couldn't help return.
Zara gave him a nod, her eyes darting to the door behind him and then back to his face as she opened her mouth to speak.
"I appreciate it, thanks, but I'm fine..." She said, rising to her feet, "Better get back, good to see you again, Sam" She smiled, ducking past him towards the door.
"You too, Jones" he said quietly, watching her as she left.



Zara got back the apartment, letting out a breath as she turned the door handle, pushing the door open. She stepped in to find the room empty and dark, save for the lamp in the living room. She hung her jacket over one of the dining room chairs, giving her hair a quick sniff to make sure it wasn't smokey. She locked the door, kicking her boots off near the entrance and she tiptoed towards the bedroom. She slowed down as she passed the bed, his familiar shape under the quilt. Guilt set back in...
She continued on to the en-suite, brushing her teeth and washing her hands and face. A glance in the mirror revealed two very red eyes, and flushed cheeks from the cold. She glanced down at her hands as she dried them with the towel on the rack, followed by her face.

Oh well, at least it's dark. He won't see my eyes...

She hung it back up, along with her damp sweatpants and socks, stopping for a moment to consider a hot shower.

No, it's late...

Zara nodded to herself, hugging her cold body as she turned the light out and tiptoed past the bed where she paused.

Maybe I should just sleep on the couch? I don't want to wake him up a second time...

"Zee..." Came his husky voice, the quilt moving as he rolled over.
"I'm just going to crash on the couch, it's not fair with me tossing and turning all night..." She whispered, Bucky answering her with an annoyed sigh.
"Come here" He said, reaching a hand out to her. She clenched her jaw, walking over to him despite herself. She gave him her hand, Bucky lifting the quilt for her. "You're freezing. Get under here..."

Zara let out a breath, getting into bed, Bucky scooting over to make room for her, the sheets still warm from him. She laid herself down against him, her head on his chest, snuggling in close. He wrapped an arm around her hesitantly, Zara relaxing under it.
"Sorry for my little freak out before..." She whispered, tilting her head so she could lay a kiss under his jaw. He turned his head enough to kiss her back, Zara closing her eyes when their lips made contact.
"We'll talk about it in the morning, okay?" He said gently, stroking her arm.
"There's nothing to talk about, it was just a stupid dream. I'm fine now" She said, "as long as you're here..." She said, letting out a puff of breath, Bucky pulling her in tighter, laying a kiss atop her head.
"You've got me, I'm not going anywhere... But we're still going to talk about it tomorrow, okay?"

Yeah, we'll see...

She closed her eyes again without answering, sleeping through the rest of the night without incident.

When Zara woke she was on her side, Bucky curled up behind her, arms protectively wrapped around her like usual. She stirred, giving him a light tap on the forearm, Bucky letting her go without waking up. She tiptoed to the bathroom, brushing her teeth and washing her face while she was in there, not feeling like going back to bed.
She snuck out, past the bed without waking him to get dressed, put the coffee machine on and made a phone call down to see if Dr Reeves was awake to change her dressings.
Zara smiled to herself feeling organized as she made her way over to the window, peering out at the word as she woke up with it, steam rising from the warm mug in her hands. She stretched her sore neck both ways, keeping an eye on the time and was surprised Bucky hadn't gotten up until she saw him appear in the bedroom doorway.

"Hey" She said to him, offering a smile.
"Hey"
 "Machine's on" She added, nodding over to the coffee maker. Bucky smiled a tired, morning smile as he walked over to her, hugging her from behind and laying a kiss on her cheek.
"You look tired" She said, "sorry I kept you up half the night"
"Don't worry about it, I'm having trouble sleeping too" He admitted, "Why are you up so early?"
"Reeves wanted to change my dressings and just check everything out. I woke up and remembered, so I gave her a call. I'll head down there after I finish this" She said, nodding down to her mug.
"Want me to come with you?" He asked a little hesitantly, not wanting to be intrusive.
"You can if you want... But it's just a bandage change and quick check-up, it'll only take a few minutes" She smiled, feeling him nod behind her.
"I might hit the gym then and catch up with you when you get back?" He suggested, Zara turning around to give him a kiss before finishing her drink.
"Sounds perfect, that'll give me time to give JJ a call, too, she'll probably drop by... With cake, knowing her!"
"JJ?"
"Jess!" She chuckled, "Middleton? Red hair?"
"Oh, the one who doesn't shut up?"
"Yes. That would be the one"

Bucky let out a laugh, thinking of the bubbly redhead, his face lighting up as he remembered something important.
"Before I forget, I something for you." He said, dashing over to the kitchen counter, Zara's interest piqued. He unplugged a shiny black handset, a few taps on the screen bringing it to life as he handed it to her.
"Your phone was recovered the other day... And it wasn't really salvageable... But the sim card survived. All your numbers are in there, Tony transferred all your stuff across. There was a heap of new messages in there, which have mostly been opened as they had to run a diagnostic on it... But yeah... You have a phone again"
"Thanks... Guess I just have to work out how to use the damn thing now" She chuckled, turning it over as if examining it, "Looks like It's not too much different to the one I've been using this week... I suppose that one can go back to Tony, then?"
"I can take it back if you like, I needed to catch up with him this morning anyway" he said with a casual shrug, not caring to elaborate any more.
"Was anything else recovered?" She asked, curiosity getting the better of her. Bucky let out a long breath, pushing the hair back off his face the way he always did when he was stressed.

"Weapons, clothes... The car..." He said, his voice quiet. Zara swallowed hard, regretting asking him the question at all. "A photograph..."

Zara sucked in a breath, the memory of the crumpled photo threatening to be her undoing right there. She cleared her throat, shaking it off as she glanced at the shiny screen of the new phone in her hand.
"Oh god, I'm late... I'd better go" She said awkwardly, "Thanks for the phone"
"No sweat" He said, the two of them hesitantly stepping in for a quick kiss before Zara bolted out the door.



Zara walked into the infirmary and sat herself down on the bench, looking up to see Reeves talking to someone important looking. She raised five fingers, an apologetic look on her face to tell Zara she'd be five minutes away, tops. Zara gave her a smile and a wave to tell her it was okay, and leaned back against the wall, her eyes peering down at the phone in her hand. She unlocked it, finding the operating system quite similar to her old one, much to her relief.
She found the inbox and scrolled through, her chest tightening at the sheer amount of missed calls. Stark, Rogers and Coulson racking up the most. No doubt Stark had tried to track her, Coulson too... She swallowed hard, scrolling through, finding worried messages from Jess and Sam among all the others. That 'ball of ice' feeling swelled up in her throat as she kept scrolling on through, suddenly feeling awful for all those who had tried to reach her.
A text was there from Jessica Jones, hitting Zara with another pang of guilt when she realized it was accompanied by a missed call. The message was a 'Jessica version' of an apology for their last phone call, and an invitation to meet up for a talk. The date stamp on the message told her it was sent almost a week ago.

Just great...

"Zara" Came a voice in front of her. She gasped in surprise, her eyes darting up from the screen to meet those of Dr Reeves. "You okay?"
"Yeah" She said breathlessly, nodding as she shoved the phone in her jacket pocket, standing up a little too quickly.

Dr Reeves pursed her lips and frowned, letting out a breath. "Come on, let's get you checked over."



"The incision wound is looking great, and all the superficial cuts and bruises are making headway" Dr Reeves said with a smile. "These deeper ones might take a little while, but good news is that nothing's infected. I'll give you some gauze and tape, you can take the dressing off to have a shower, just be gentle and don't scrub at it. Pat dry, and cover up it again so you don't scratch it or knock it..." She added thoughtfully trailing off as if she was trying to think of anything to add.
"Thanks, Sal. Appreciate it" Zara said, returning the smile.
"I think that's all, BP's good, temp and reflexes are good... Are you still feeling light headed or nauseous at all?"
"Only if I stand up too quick, I haven't felt sick really since I've been home."
"Sleeping okay?"
"All I've done is slept..."
"Good, good..." Dr Reeves added, typing into her tablet for a moment. "The dizziness will pass, that's just a side effect of concussion. If you're not feeling nauseous anymore, then that's a good sign you're at the tail end of it all" She said, sitting back down on her stool in front of Zara, looking her in the face.
"How's everything else going? Things okay at home so far?"

Zara shifted uncomfortably on the edge of the examination table, clearing her throat before answering.
"Yeah, well I've only been back for one night, but it's good to be home" she said, nodding to herself, and giving a smile.
"Can I get the truth this time?" Reeves said, giving Zara a knowing look, "I don't need to remind you I've got quite a few psych qualifications do I?"
"No, I'm well aware of that..." Zara answered flatly. "I'm fine, it IS a little weird, but Bucky's been great. I just have to settle back in. It's really not a big deal, I've been hurt during missions before"
"Not by people you were close to-"
"-Friendly fire happens, and we're trained to deal with it" She said firmly, holding the eye contact.
"Zara, I'd like to organize another appointment with you for in maybe three or four days time. I'll call through and let you know when I'm free. I'd like to have a nice, long chat with you"
"About?"
"About this" Reeves said, gesturing at Zara as a whole.
"I'm not up for a sit down chat, Sal. I'll answer all your questions right here but I'm not doing the couch thing..."
"I'm afraid that's not your choice to make"
"Yeah backing me into a corner is going to do a whole lot of good isn't it?" Zara snapped, her face aggressive now.

Dr Reeves let out a long breath, pushing the hair back off her face as she thought about her next move.

"Zara, I don't want to fight you on this... I'm your friend, and I'm here to help you, okay? I've never done wrong by you before, and I'm not about to start now" She said, Zara's face softening a little as some of the tension drained out of her.
"You're acting out defensively because you're feeling vulnerable. I get that, and there's nothing wrong with it, especially after what you've been through"
"This is ridiculous. I'm acting out in frustration because I'm FEELING frustrated. I don't feel vulnerable, I feel ANNOYED"
"Well for you to react so strongly to a particular line of questioning means that you feel effected by the subject matter..."

Zara rolled her eyes, jumping down from the table as she reached for her jacket.
"Zee, STOP. I'm sorry" Reeves said, jumping to her feet and stepping in the way of the door.
"I think we're done here" Zara said, looking up at the doctor, jaw clenched.
"Just STOP! How about I cut you a deal?"

Zara blew out a breath, arching a brow as she listened.
"We skip the sit down for now, while you settle in, but down the track if I feel like you need it, you come and participate without all the drama? Okay?"
"Fine."
"Are we okay, you don't hate me?"
"No, so long as you knock the 'vulnerable' crap off"
"No promises there" Reeves chuckled, Zara's expression softening in return, "Just don't be so afraid of your feelings, it's okay to feel vulnerable to me, or to Bucky..."
"Everyone's vulnerable to him."
"What do you mean?"
"Seeing what he can do, and how fast he can do it... Just standing in the same room as him you don't realize just how vulnerable you really are" She said, nodding towards the scar under Reeves' eye. "You of all people should know that"



Zara made her way back to the room, keeping her head down and her hands in her pockets. She didn't stop till she'd swiped her card in the reader, and stepped in the door. She closed it behind her, leaning against it for a moment as she let a breath out, her eyes scanning the room.
"Bucky?" She called out, relieved when there was no answer. She locked the door behind her, kicking her boots off and making her way to the couch. There were no new calls or messages on her phone, so she decided to use the time she had alone to return those that she couldn't over the last week.
She called Jessica Jones, not surprisingly there was no answer, so she left a message explaining that she'd been 'indisposed' and apologized that she hadn't called back sooner... She tried calling JJ, again not getting through. She left a message before getting back up off the couch, shoving her phone in her back pocket as she peered around the room, hugging herself against the shivers.

The door clicked loudly as the handle moved, making her jump as it opened. Bucky stepped in, looking tired but not sweaty... Zara smiled at him when they made eye contact.
"No gym time?" She asked,
"No, I had a meeting with Stark about some new tech" He said, closing the door behind him. "How'd your appointment go?"
"Great, healing well and all my results came back healthy" She said, watching his face light up at her good news.

Zara bit her lip, feeling her heart race as he approached her, the conversation with Reeves playing over in her head again...

I'll show you who's not vulnerable... Here goes nothing...

She strode over to him and wrapped her arms around the back of his neck, planting a big kiss on his lips, pressing her body into his. She felt his arms wrap around her hesitantly, so she went in again, kissing him more slowly this time, letting it build, giving him confidence to relax into it and tighten his grip on her.
"What's this all about?" He asked, pulling back enough to look into her eyes.
"I missed you..."
"We only saw each other an hour ago"
"That's not what I'm talking about, Buck. I miss you. I miss us... I miss this" She said, one of her hands lazily playing with his hair.
"I do too, more than you know" He admitted, worry on his face. "Are you sure you're okay with all this?"
"I'm sure I'm over people asking me if I'm okay" She quipped, leaning in to kiss him, Bucky pulling back.
"I'm only asking because I care, not because I think you're weak" He said, Zara nodding before letting him kiss her again, her heart racing at full speed.
"Your heart's racing"
"You're a good kisser, what do you expect?" She answered, Bucky chuckling to himself as he backed off again.
"Did I do something wrong?" She asked nervously.
"No, not at all..." He said, "come here" he added, taking her hands as he led her over to the couch where they sat down.
"I get the feeling you're trying to prove a point to either me or yourself..."
"I kinda am, I guess" She admitted, feeling embarrassed suddenly. "I just wanted to show you that I'm okay, and I'm not... Afraid of you, or anything. Which is what I think you've been worried about?"

Bucky nodded thoughtfully, letting out a breath and giving her a warm smile.
 
"That's okay then" He said, "Just so long as you're not doing it to throw yourself in the deep end... I know what you're like" He added, nudging her knee with his, playfully.
"I'm fine. I think that if everybody worried a little less about how 'poor little Zara Jones' is feeling, and more about this Hydra situation, we'd all be much better off." She said, changing the subject back to business. "I'm more concerned with the fact that we were attacked by Hydra soldiers, and wanting to know why, and also what's going on with Ward..."
"I know you are, we all are... But right now, my priority is you" He said sternly, Zara letting out a frustrated breath.
"Well your priorities are backwards then" She sassed, Bucky giving her a look to let her know her comment wasn't appreciated. She blew out a breath, frustrated with herself, and the conversation as she stood up to leave, Bucky grabbing her by the wrist and pulling her back down, gently. She landed in his lap, a somewhat shocked look on her face.

"My priorities are just fine..." He said authoritively, "And I won't stop worrying about you until the day I die. Got it?"

Zara drew in a breath, nodding obediently, not quite sure what to say.

"Coulson has a team looking into the Hydra situation, and Stark is developing AND testing mind shields that work. I'm helping him. All that's left to do, is to make sure that you and I are okay. Okay?"
"Okay" she said quietly, nodding. "I can call a few contacts about Ward and Larson, get some eyes out, especially if they've gone to ground-"
"You've done enough. You just risked your life to save the both of us. Again." 
"And you'd have done the same thing if the roles were reversed, it's not a big deal, Buck"
"Zara, it's a HUGE deal... I don't know whether to be annoyed that you put your life on the line for me - again... Or be literally worshiping the ground you walk on for it."
"Option number two sounds nice..." She mused aloud.
"I already worship the ground you walk on, you know that... My point is, you're not invincible, and it worries me the lengths you'll go to..."
"What was I supposed to do? Let you take me to Hydra to be killed or captured? See you wiped and dumped in a freezer or sent back out to do 'missions' for them?"

Bucky sighed, brushing her hair away from her face as he cupped her cheek, leaning in to kiss her.

"I don't like what you did, but I'm pretty damn grateful you did it... I'll never be able to make it up to you"
"Just cut me a little slack, and we'll call it even. Okay?" She said, her voice quiet.
"No promises, but I'll try. You won't look after yourself so someone's gotta do it" He chuckled, earning a genuine smile from her.

Zara's phone vibrating caught their attention, Bucky reaching to the floor where it had fallen to pick it up. He handed it to her, Zara frowning when a number she didn't recognize popped up on the screen. She ignored the call, giving Bucky a shrug before leaning over to kiss him.
"I need a hot shower" She said, letting out a breath. "Reeves gave me some fresh gauze and tape, so I'm going to go enjoy a proper one and have some girl time" She added, Bucky helping her to her feet.
"Sounds good. Maybe I'll go see if I can round Steve up. Him and Sam got back last night from a mission. Wouldn't mind catching up"

Zara gave him a smile and a nod, Bucky leaving a kiss on her forehead before she got up and headed for the bathroom door.
"See you in a couple of hours" He said, picking his jacket up off the back of the chair.
"Have fun!" She grinned, giving a wave as he left the room.

Zara stepped out of the steaming shower with a relaxed smile on her face, the smell of fruity body wash filling the bathroom. She wrapped herself in a towel, giving her wet hair a rub, and wrapping it up in another as she hummed to herself.
She was suddenly distracted by her phone, the text alert going off. Curious, she picked it up, wiping the steam from the glass cover as she opened it.

Unknown, 9.43am
Why don't you answer your phone, Zara? I miss you...

Zara, 9.43am
I don't have your number, sorry... Who is this?

Unknown, 9.44am
I'm insulted! ;) I'm an old friend. We have history together. Can you guess who yet?

Zara, 9.44am
Who is this? Seriously?

Unknown, 9.44am
Someone who still has the taste of your lips on his... You stood me up


Zara, 9.45am
If this is a joke, you're not funny. I'm about a second away from tracing your phone and coming to find you

Unknown, 9.45am
I'm hoping you do, and bring your metal-armed friend along with you. We have unfinished business... And so do we, Zara.

What the fuck!? Taste of my lips? Unfinished business with Bucky and I?

Zara rolled her eyes, dropping the phone back down on the counter as she went to the bedroom to dress herself again, pulling comfy sweat pants on. Her phone buzzed again as she pulled a tank top on over her head, straightening it over her body. She let out an annoyed breath, stomping back into the bathroom to check her phone again.

Unknown, 9.49am
Don't be like that, ignoring my messages... We had a date, and you ruined it

Zara, 9.50am
Okay loser, you're messing with the wrong person. I warned you...

Unknown, 9.50am
Good, get angry. Come and get me. Bring the asset with you and wear that little white dress you had on in Bora Bora... P.S, hope our pictures turned out well. I wouldn't mind a copy of those ;)

Holy fuck... HOLY FUCK...

Zara's heart raced and she found herself pacing back and forth just to get her head together. Her mind was going a million miles per hour, first instincts were to hide the messages and try to work them out, second instinct screaming at her to get Bucky on the phone right this second...

Maybe I call Tony and have him trace the number? But that's what they want, they want me to go to them. THEM? Why am I saying that, there's only one person who saw me in Bora Bora other than Bucky. The only other person with a Polaroid camera and a very sick sense of humor... Which means he's been waiting for me... Don't keep him waiting any longer. STALL HIM...

Zara 9.52am
I'll be in touch, Ward. See you real soon, Z.