Remorseless

Bucky made his way down the hallway for his usual visit to Zara, a bag of M&M's in his hand which he had dutifully picked up along the way as requested. He slowed his walk, voices arguing in her room catching his attention. He clenched his jaw, suppressing the urge to run in there and save her like a princess from a tower. His thoughts were interrupted when an intern came bursting out the door, obviously frustrated and stomped off down the hallway.
A glance in the window saw Zara seething, ripping the blood pressure band off her arm and going for the IV. Bucky quickly made his way into the room, closing the door behind him.
"Zara stop! What's going on?" He asked, grabbing her hand before it tore the needle out.

She recoiled back from his touch, glaring at him for a moment before her expression softened. She swallowed hard, letting out a breath as she calmed herself down.
"There is nothing physically wrong with me, I don't NEED this stupid thing in, anyway. I just want to go home and rest" She said, her eyes darting to his hand which was still around her wrist. He gave her a look before he let her go, Zara wordlessly taking the hint to leave the needle alone for now.
"What did the doctor say?" He said, speaking calmly and rationally as he sat on the bed beside her, his hand resting on the other side of her legs as he leaned in to listen to her.
"I overheard them saying I was fine to leave days ago. The door was open a little and they thought I was asleep." She said, earning a nod from him, "They don't want me to leave yet because they want to send in a shrink to psycho-analyse me, or get me to talk about my feelings, or whatever... Truth is I'm just so tired and I want to go home where I can relax, not sit here under lights and cameras with someone walking in every 5 minutes..." She said, feeling the anger rise up in her again.

Much to her surprise Bucky was very understanding, a small smile crossing his face as he reached over to squeeze her hand, looking over his shoulder at the door and then back to her.
"I just can't get to sleep, and when I do, every little noise has me awake in a panic. It's actually exhausting being so wired all the time. I just can't relax here... I want to go home" She said, holding back a sob as her voice cracked.
Bucky frowned, brushing a loose strand from her face, pretending not to notice her flinch at the contact. He exhaled, clenching his jaw for a moment as he thought about her predicament.
"Let me guess, part of the reason they don't want you going home is because you live with me?" He said after a long pause. Zara nodded without looking at him, biting her lip with a hopeless, defeated look on her face.
"Zee?" He asked, catching her attention as she made eye contact with him. Bucky's breath hitched as he noticed the bruising that had come out on her cheek and under her eye over the past few days. He swallowed, trying to push it to the back of his mind as he went on.
"If it helps, I can get you your own room. One call to Stark-"
"Bucky..."
"I'm serious" He interrupted her. "Even if it's just while you're recovering. Last thing you need coming out of hospital is the person who put you in here..." He said, his voice trailing off.

There was a silence between them that lasted a few moments, both unsure what to say to the other. Zara hated that Bucky felt so bad even more than she hated the involuntary flinches she couldn't seem to suppress every time he touched her.

"Can I be honest?" She asked finally...
"Please"
"I think that spending time apart is going to do more harm than good." She said after a thoughtful pause, raising her finger to stop him before he could argue. "Running away from problems has never fixed them. You don't get over a fear of something without being exposed to it... And I think we both have a little fear of hurting each other to overcome." She said, Bucky nodding in agreement.

He let out a breath, letting his cheeks puff out as he pushed the hair back off his face.
"You're sure about this?" He asked again. Zara nodded, her hand finding his metal one, her fingers closing around it.
"We gotta start somewhere" She said bravely, letting out a breath, "I just wanna go home, Buck"
"Well, you've spent a whole lotta time saving me... Maybe it's time I saved you?" He said, watching a small smile form on her face, her shoulders dropping with relief.
"I'll let you... Just this once" She chuckled.

He picked up her hand, peeling the plastic off her IV in time for a doctor to burst in the room angrily, striding over to them.
"Just what the hell do you think you're doing?" He demanded, stopping in his tracks when Bucky glared at him.
"Get me a cotton ball and some tape" He said, looking up at Zara reassuringly as he pulled the needle from her hand ever so gently and set it aside. The doctor handed him what he needed, Bucky covering up the site of the needle and pulling the rest of the tubes and tape from her skin.
"You can't do this, I'm calling Mr Stark" The doctor threatened.
"I think you'll find if you check out her records, she's free to go. Has been for days. I'm taking her home, Stark knows where to find us if there's a problem with that, not that her health is any of his business." Bucky said firmly, the doctor backing off as Bucky stood, helping Zara up.
"I'll call Stark myself when we get back. That's a promise" She said as she wobbled on her feet a little, grabbing onto Bucky at the same time as he grabbed her.

The doctor rolled his eyes, throwing his hands up with a frustrated groan before storming back out again, Zara looking up at Bucky who was obviously very happy with himself. She tugged the thin blanket from the bed, wrapping herself in it to protect herself against the cold.
"What?" She asked, "It's freezing in here"
He chuckled, bending to scoop her up, her eyes widening as she stopped him.
"I can walk" She blurted out, "really..." her heart racing suddenly. Bucky frowned, worry reaching his eyes as he looked down at her.

Aaaaaand we're back at square one again. You idiot.

"It'd be easier if I carried you... I won't hurt you, I promise" He said, his voice softening as a reassuring smile crossed his lips, breaking her heart a little.
"No, Buck... I'm sorry, I wasn't implying that you'd- That anything bad would happen. I just don't want to be a pain, and-"
"Zee?"
"Huh?"
"We've gotta start somewhere, you said it yourself. Remember?"
"I suppose... I just don't wanna be one of those damsel in distress girls..."
"Believe me, you're no damsel in distress" He chuckled, watching people in white coats approaching them. "Come on, let's get you out of here before I have to knock heads together" He said, gesturing at the window.
"Not comforting, Buck..."
He gave a shrug, putting his arms out. Zara looked out the window, and back to him, letting out a 'here goes' breath before she put an arm around his neck as he scooped her up.
"See? Not so bad... Let's go home."



Bucky swiped his card at the door, masterfully opening it one handed while still holding Zara. He stepped through, kicking it shut behind them, pausing to look down at the girl in his arms while she looks nervously up at him. He set her down at her request, not letting go until she'd steadied herself.
Zara gave him a somewhat strained smile, pulling her blanket up around her shoulders as she peered around the room as if to take it all back in again.
"Coffee?" Bucky asked, breaking the obvious tension.
"Huh?" Zara turned to him, having been too caught up in her own head to figure out what he'd said.

Bucky let out a breath, pushing the hair back off his face as he paused for a moment.
"Would you like some coffee?" He repeated himself.
"Oh... Yeah that'd be great. I'll help" She said, hitching the blanket up from the floor so she could walk.
"Zee?"
"Yeah?"
"Lay down, relax, and I'll bring it over" He said, somewhat authoritatively.

She did as she was told, making her way over to the couch and plonking herself down, wrapping the blanket tighter around herself as she mentally took a breath. She was home, he was normal, and everyone was safe... But something was off. Why did it feel so weird? She tucked her feet up under herself as she settled, resting her head on the small pile of cushions while she listened to Bucky pottering around in the kitchen, suddenly feeling tired again. Their couch was a damn sight more comfortable than the infirmary bed, and she found herself finally starting to relax, letting her eyelids droop as she let out what could only be described as a breath of relief.

Bucky watched her from the kitchen, turning the thermostat up to warm the room, her pale appearance making her look more fragile than she already did. His eyes wandered over her features as she closed her eyes, guilt welling up within him as he took in the bruising on her cheek and under her eye, the deep cut on her head that had been carefully re-glued, and her split lip. He clenched his jaw, disgusted with himself as the coffee machine went quiet, signifying the first cup was ready. He picked it up, making his way over to her, her eyes still closed as he quietly crept closer. Her blanket had dropped a little, revealing angry looking hand-shaped bruises around her neck, fading to red, irritated skin up around her jawbone.
Reliving the moment, Bucky didn't even need to close his eyes to see his flesh hand tightening around her throat, her eyes terrified and desperate as he lifted her off the ground. He could still hear her gasping for breath as she kicked and struggled to no avail to get out of his vice like grip, her nails digging into his flesh as she desperately tried to pry his hand open.
Bucky's chest rose and fell rapidly, looking down at her, his jaw clenched as the hand holding the coffee began to shake, Zara oblivious to him as she dozed peacefully.
His eyes shot to the cut on her head, his memory transporting him back again. He saw himself step towards the car, his hand around her throat, and all he wanted was for her to shut up and to sit still. She was fighting for her life and all he could see was the inconvenience he was facing if she attracted attention and spoiled his plans, putting his orders in jeopardy. He did what he had to and slammed her into the side of the car, hard enough to daze her, but not hard enough to kill her. There was a satisfaction when her body slumped in his grip, her blood running down the side of her face and onto his hand.

Zara sat up, startled from her spot on the couch, Bucky standing in front of her. The guilt came back when he saw the frightened look in her eyes, much like the look he saw in his dreams and memories. She sat shaking for a moment before her expression went from fear to concern as she struggled to stand.
"Bucky, what happened?" She gasped, reaching out to his hand. He recoiled back from her, glancing down, noticing blood on his hand. He felt his heart rate pick up as he turned his palm over, the glistening blood matching that that had been on his hands the night he'd taken her... His breathing picked up, Zara becoming worried as she stood before him, not really sure what to do other than snap him out of it.
"Bucky, let's get you cleaned up" She said, reassuringly as she reached over, gripping him gently by the forearm. He jerked back again from her again, making Zara lose her balance, Bucky having to grab her to stop her from falling.

She looked up at him and gave him a reassuring smile, Bucky still holding her with a look of shock on his face.
"I almost knocked you over..." He said, an apologetic tone to his voice as he shook his head.
"I'm fine" Came her reply. "You caught me"
"I could have hurt you..."
"But you didn't"

He steered her away from the broken glass on the floor, the remainder of it crunching under his boot as he took a deep breath, getting his head together.
Zara pursed her lips, reaching out to take his cut hand against his will, turning it over to examine it. "The cut's not deep, let's get you cleaned up"

She pursed her lips, keeping her expression reassuring as she led him slowly to the bathroom. She turned the tap on for him, Bucky stubbornly insisting on cleaning the cut himself. He applied some antiseptic, not bothering to stitch it due to how fast it'd heal on its own anyway.
He dried his hands, covered the wound and leaned on the counter for a moment. He took a breath and let himself have a moment to clear his head before turning to her.

"I'm sorry, Zee... I don't know what came over me" He said without looking at her. She glanced down at his hands, still gripping the edge of the counter. He hung his head as if ashamed to look at her, Zara biting her lip to hide any trace of emotion she was feeling.
"It's fine, Buck-"
"It's NOT fine, Zara. It's the EXACT OPPOSITE of fine" He snapped, looking over at her again as he straightened up, her breath hitching involuntarily. Her jumpy reaction didn't go unnoticed by him, Bucky letting out a melancholy chuckle, knowing he was right about her being frightened.
Zara grit her teeth, straightening herself up and wearing the bravest face she could plaster on.
"Bucky, we can't keep going back and forth like this... You broke a mug, I do it all the time it's not a big deal!" She said.
"I zoned out, I could have hurt you..."
"You're exhausted, it's any wonder you zoned out for a few seconds. You hurt a cup-"
"-I crushed it in my bare hands"
"You can crush CONCRETE in your bare hands - a cup was bound to break one day"
"And what if I was holding YOU at that very moment!?"

Zara swallowed hard, not sure how to answer him.
 "You won't hurt me"
"Well I already DID!" He snapped, pulling her in front of the mirror, yanking down the front of her gown down to reveal the bruising on her neck. She closed her eyes, gritting her teeth as a stray tear rolled down her cheek.
"I did that to you..." He said quietly, his voice cracking. Zara opened her eyes, meeting his in the mirror, his expression having gone from angry to utterly broken. She wiped her eyes, swallowing down the urge to break down in his arms right then and there.

"I don't think I need to tell you the damage I'm capable of inflicting without even thinking about it... Just LOOK at you" He said, gesturing at her tiny frame, "And then take a look at me... Without the serum a guy my size could snap you in two. With the serum... I could crush you to dust- and then there's my arm" He said, his voice dark and quiet, Zara suddenly not holding her composure so well as she let out a shaky breath.
"So what are you saying? Are you trying to scare me off or something?" She asked, meeting his gaze in the mirror again.
"Are you scared?"
"Of COURSE I am... And so are you" She said, making him flinch a little at her words.
"Bucky I know EXACTLY what you're capable of... Obviously." She said, reining her emotions back in as hard as she could. "I wouldn't be with you if I didn't want to be... So if this is you changing your mind about me being here, then just say it..."

He grit his teeth, watching her wipe the last of her tears away as she steadied herself.

"I don't want you to leave... Unless you want to, that is..." he admitted, his voice barely a whisper as she turned to face him, leaning on the bathroom counter.
"But?" She asked, sensing he had more to say.
"But you're right... I AM afraid. I'm afraid I'll hurt you, or worse, and you're already so fragile" He said, reaching forward to tuck a loose strand of her hair off her face behind her ear.
"I haven't felt like this since the early days at Shield..." He said, "Only this time I'm afraid of hurting the one person that I should be protecting. How the hell do I protect you from myself?" His voice cracking.

Zara bit her swollen lip, that emotion threatening to overcome her again. She found herself stepping in to wrap her arms around him, gritting her teeth and holding the tears back.
"I'm not going anywhere Buck. Things have never been easy for us, but we'll get through it... Just like we always do. I trust you."

She felt him nod and let a breath out, his body relaxing a little.

"If you need space, just say the word. Okay?" She offered, pulling away from him. He nodded, managing a small smile as he ran a hand gently over her cheek, leaning in to kiss her on the forehead.
"I know that it doesn't fix things... But I really am sorry for everything"
"Stop apologizing for someone else's' wrong doing..." Zara said, running her hands up his chest. "I wasn't the only one hurt by it, so we need to look after each other" She added, her arms finding their way up behind his neck.
"You're incredible..." He whispered, wrapping his arms around her gently before his lips found hers.



Zara felt better after a hot shower, getting into her favorite sweatpants and tank top. Bucky set her up on the couch with a movie and a warm blanket, even bringing her a hot drink without any cup casualties or spills this time, which they joked about. He pottered around the apartment cleaning and trying to keep himself busy until Zara finally got frustrated with him and invited him to sit with her. He reluctantly obliged, propping her up as he sat, dropping a cushion down in his lap before laying her head on it gently. She smiled up at him when he brushed her hair back off her face, his flesh hand reaching down to pull her blanket up before it settled on her waist.
It wasn't long before she drifted off, Bucky understanding how exhausted she must be. She twitched occasionally, her face contorting into the odd frown the way it always did when her dreams were unpleasant. He rubbed her arm and shoulder gently, watching as her face and body relaxed at his touch, smiling with genuine relief that he could still be of some relief to her, despite everything.

Bucky let out a long, slow breath, finally allowing him to relax as well. He knew deep down that she was safe with him, he wouldn't let fear or anger take control of him again. He looked down at her peaceful face, still in absolute disbelief that she'd not only forgiven him, but had the courage to move back home. He brushed a loose strand of hair from her face, making her stir a little, her hand tightening around his thigh as she settled.

A smile crossed his lips, thinking of all they'd been through together. If he was honest with himself, he was a little surprised that she'd been so willing to come back to him. Most girls would run for the hills after being abducted and beaten up by a super soldier, but here she was, laying in his lap.
Bucky found himself clenching his teeth, the more he thought about Zara's loyalty to him, the more he thought about Grant Ward, Hydra and anyone else who'd threatened them. He realized that nothing more had come about in regards to the soldiers that stormed the house that night, trying to shoot at them when he was still under Larson's power. He made a mental note to mention it to Steve and Coulson, perhaps Hydra's front wasn't as united as they'd like it to be. Perhaps Ward wasn't the almighty leader he thought he was... Surely this could be used against them. A sinister smile crossed his lips at the thought of all the things he'd like to do to Grant Ward.

Zara's phone lit up from its spot on the couch arm. Bucky peered down at it, a worried message from Stark along with two missed calls. He rolled his eyes, picking it up and unlocking it.

Tony Stark 4.55pm
Are you okay Jones? I heard Robocop busted you out of the infirmary and you were supposed to call me. You've got 5 minutes or I'm coming down there in the suit.

Zara Jones 4.56pm
She's fine, showered and asleep. No need to dust off your party frock. -Robocop.

Tony Stark 4.56pm
Hopefully she's asleep of her own accord, and not because you put her to sleep. Lay a hand on her again, and you'll wish you were back at Hydra. Night.

Zara Jones 4.57pm
She's safe with me now, no thanks to you and your shitty mind shields. Night. -B

Bucky locked the phone, setting it face down on the arm rest. He wasn't in the mood for going back and forth with Stark, not today. He let out a frustrated breath, looking back down at Zara, sleeping peacefully in his lap still. She was his priority, nobody else's.
A knock at the door disrupted his thoughts, Zara jumping in her sleep. She stirred, groaning a little as she moved to sit up. Bucky rubbed her shoulder, clenching his jaw with annoyance at whoever had woken her. Another knock had him livid as he lifted her and gently laid her back down again.
"You're alright baby... Stay asleep" He whispered, laying a kiss on her temple. She screwed her face up again before relaxing, Bucky relieved when she fell asleep again within seconds.

He strode across the room, opening the door angrily.
"Stark. What the hell do YOU want!?" He demanded, keeping his voice down as he eyed the man down who stood before him.
"Oh I want a whole lot of things, Barnes, but I'm not suited up for THAT." He spat, angrily.
"She's trying to sleep, what's your problem? If you're here to start a fight, I'm not up for it. I've got more important things to worry about, and so do you"
"I'm not here to fight with you, Barnes. As much as I'd like to rearrange that face of yours..." He said, taking a breath. "Just so you know, that I hate what happened just as much as you do."
"What's your point?" Bucky snarled at him, growing tired of arguing.
"I'm worried... A bunch of us are worried, she means a lot to us..."
"She means a lot to me, too"
"Fine, here it is then... We're not convinced that you're one hundred percent stable-"
"-What are you suggesting" Bucky asked, narrowing his eyes.

Tony let out a breath, frustrated as he pinched the bridge of his nose.
"Candice is coming back" He started, pausing for a moment as he looked up at Bucky. "I want to trial a new device, and I think you'd be a good candidate-"
"Candidate for what, for someone else to get into my head!?" He snapped, stepping towards Tony.
"Well, yeah. I figure she can make sure you're, well, healthy upstairs... And then we can make sure this doesn't happen again" Tony said, standing his ground.

Bucky blew out a breath and ran a hand through his hair. He didn't think it was a bad idea, he just didn't feel like placating him after the all the blame and threats.
"I'll think about it" He said with a shrug, a bored expression on his face. Tony gave him a nod, reading into it as much as he needed, deciding it was as much as an agreement as he was going to get.
"Let me know..." Came Tony's reply as he gave Bucky a nod and took a step back. "Look after her, okay?"

Bucky glared at him, not sure if he appreciated Stark's concern or not.
"Of course" He said after a moment, deciding it was the quickest way to get rid of him. Tony's expression softened a little, not quite into a smile, more of an 'acknowledgement' if anything. Bucky stepped back into the apartment, closing the door quietly, locking it behind him.

"What was that all about?" Zara mumbled, looking up from her blanket cocoon.
"Dick measuring contest more than anything" Bucky said, an annoyed tone to his voice as he made his way back over to her. "You okay there, I can carry you to bed if you want to sleep" He offered.
"Do you mind if I stay here?" She asked, yawning.
"Of course you can stay there" He smiled, looking up at the TV, her movie still going in the background
"Buck?"
"Yeah?"
"Will you come sit with me again?"
"Sure I will" He said, warmth in his voice again.

It didn't take long for her to snuggle back into him again, her body relaxing into his touch, much to his relief. He laid back into the cushion, watching the movie, his eyes darting down to check in on her ever so often. His mind went to Tony's proposal, helping him develop and test a new mind control shield. As much as he hated to admit it, it really was a good idea as much as he hated having someone snooping around in his head.

It's worth it if it keeps her safe...

He pushed the hair back off his face with his free hand, his mind made up. He'd call Tony in the morning.