Remorseless

Zara woke from a dreamless sleep, groggy and a little disoriented. When her vision cleared enough for the room to materialize around her, she relaxed, realizing she was back at Shield. An IV drip hung on a stand to her left, a thin clear tube running into a needle in her hand, and a machine behind it lit up with important information about her vitals.
There were several bunches of flowers and balloons on the shelf, making the room look vibrant and cheerful. Zara smiled, feeling special for a moment until the bunch of beautiful black and red roses caught her eye on the nightstand to her right. She sucked in a breath, a lump of ice forming in her chest as she suddenly felt a pang of guilt and worry for the person who sent them.

It didn't take long for someone to wander in, the familiar face of an old friend, Dr Sally Reeves. Zara gave her a smile, despite how crappy she was feeling.

"Hey there Zara, nice to see you awake again. How are you feeling?" She asked, her expression warm and friendly as she pulled her tablet out, ready to enter in any new patient data.
"Is Bucky alright? Where is he?"
"Bucky's fine, he's up the hall in his own room-"
"Which room? I need to see him-" Zara said, wincing as she sat herself up
"Zara, stop" Dr Reeves said, pressing her back down. "You're no use to Bucky or anyone else until you heal, okay? Let me do my job, and I'll answer any questions you have about Bucky afterwards, okay?"

Zara let out a frustrated breath, agreeing to co-operate as Dr Reeves checked her over, changed a few dressings and adjusted her IV.
"Why do I feel so dizzy?" She asked, feeling the color drain out of her face as a piece of gauze was peeled back from a nasty looking wound low on her stomach near her hip bone.
"You lost a lot of blood, Zee. We had do go in and place a couple of clamps just here" She said, gesturing at the wound. "Internal bleeds are common in car crash victims."
"I wasn't the victim, I caused that crash..."
"Well, you know what I mean. If you get any nausea that will be why as well, we did a minor transfusion, and we're trying to keep your fluids up. You're already looking better than you were on Tuesday night."

Zara's eyes snapped up as she mentally tried to count days in her head.
"How long have I been out?"
"A few days"
"Dr Reeves?"
"Sally." She corrected her.
"Sally... I really want to go see Bucky. Is there any way I could go sit with him for just an hour? Please?" Zara asked, worry in her voice. "I'll come back, and I'll stay as long as you tell me to, I just need to see him... Please"

Dr Reeves sighed, running a hand through her hair and bit her lip.
"I want to say yes, Zara. I really do, but I'm afraid I can't authorize that. Bucky's having tests done to make sure he's safe to be around, and he's been sedated and secured. He'll be okay, but the safety of our team members comes first. I'm sorry..."
"Who gave those orders? You can see just by looking at him that he's himself. We broke Larson's connection, he's fine."
"Zara, he ordered the tests and restraints himself."
"What!?" She snapped, propping herself up again in disbelief, wincing when her stitches pulled. "He ordered himself to be tied up and sedated!? Please Sal, let me go speak to him, he'll be beating himself up, that's all it is. I know him better than he knows himself."

Sally pinched the bridge of her nose, jamming her eyes shut, obviously frustrated by the whole situation.
"Zara, he specifically asked for you not to be allowed near him, for your own safety..." She said, watching Zara's expression grow more and more frustrated. She raised a finger, making her way to the door and closing it before she came back to the bed, leaning close and keeping her voice down.

"Look, between you and me, He's been difficult to deal with. You know what he's like..." Sally explained, Zara taking the hint and keeping her mouth shut while she listened.
"He wouldn't let me dig a single bullet out - insisting on doing it himself... Without anesthetic. He won't take painkillers, wouldn't let me give him fluids or medication... Sedatives just don't last on him, one shot gives us around 10 minutes of sedation if we're lucky, if he's riled up, they don't work at all." She explained. "I'm at an absolute loss, Stark said to throw him in a cell until he got over it, but somehow I don't feel like that's a good idea, and I know Barnes pretty well." She said, her voice barely above a whisper.

"Easy, send me in to speak to him..." Zara said back, keeping her voice quiet.
"Well that's the thing - it's NOT that easy. I suggested that, but the higher ups don't want anyone going in there until he's stable... It's a catch twenty two. He's not going to stabilize until someone talks some sense into him, and he won't listen to me. We even sent Rogers in and that was no good either. I know it's risky, and as your doctor I'd strongly advise against it-"
"Sal... I'll do it."




Dr Reeves came into Zara's room with a wheelchair several hours later as planned, unplugged her IV and helped move her from the bed to the chair.
"If anyone says anything, I'm taking you to get some air while they freshen your room up."
"At 2.45 in the morning?"
"Your wound started weeping so your sheets had to be changed... Happens all the time, totally plausible excuse."



They came to a room near the end of the hall with blacked out windows, Zara suddenly feeling nervous of what he might look like, picturing a disheveled version of him.
"Can you help me up, please?" Zara asked, Dr Reeves obliging. "If I'm up and walking it won't look as bad..."

Dr Reeves nodded in agreement as she reached forward, pressing a switch on the wall, making the glass go from black to clear.
"One way window he can't see us." She said, reading Zara's worried face. "And the room is soundproof too..."

Zara nodded, gripping the railing to support herself, looking in at him. She felt the ball of ice in her chest melt a little as she watched him sleep, breaths rhythmic and face relaxed. She ran her eyes over him, noticing that his wrists were cuffed with some high tech looking handcuff setup. Other than that he wasn't tied or restrained in any other way. Again, strange for someone who was supposed to be 'secured'.
She bit her lip, worried that she might cry. One good sign was that at least he looked like he'd showered, he was in clean sweats and a t-shirt, and he'd shaven sometime in the last 24 hours. Whether it was while he was under sedation, or he'd done it himself was anyone's guess. She hoped he was looking after himself.

"You sure about this?" Dr Reeves asked, keeping her voice soft.
"Yeah, he'll be fine... He sent me flowers, you know..." Zara said, giving a shrug. "He's a good guy, he's just scared."

Dr Reeves nodded, handing Zara the key card she needed to go in.
"Knock twice before you go in, swipe, wait for the beep and the door will unlatch... And for Christ sakes be careful..." She said, fishing a lanyard from her pocket, handing it to Zara.
"This is a panic button. If you get into any trouble, or want out, press it. Security will be in here in seconds"

If Barnes wanted to hurt me, he wouldn't need seconds...

Zara swallowed, shaking her ridiculous thoughts off, giving Reeves a smile and taking the lanyard.
"Thank you" She said, "I know you're putting your job on the line for this. If anyone says anything it was all my idea, I snuck in... Just make something believable up. I can talk my way out of whatever trouble I get into."
"You got it"

Zara knocked on the door twice, watching Bucky's eyes flutter open through the window. She scanned the card and pushed the door open, closing it behind her quietly as she stepped into his view, her hand on the wall to support herself. His eyes were glued to her as if he didn't believe what he was seeing, his expression confused and defensive. Zara stood, lips parted, her breath picking up pace involuntarily. She didn't count on nerves being a part of the deal, but something about the way he looked at her made her blood run cold.

Shake it off... You're fine, he's fine... Be brave.

Beyond getting into the room itself, she didn't have a clue what she was supposed to say to him, and he sure as hell wasn't saying anything to her.
A glance at the one way window made her feel incredibly awkward, she hated being watched, always had. She reached up and pulled the string, letting the venetian blind drop down to give them privacy.

"Bad idea Zara, open the blinds..." Came Dr Reeves' warning voice through the intercom.
"It's fine-" Zara argued, getting cut off by Bucky's angry, raspy voice,
"It's NOT fine. Get her OUT of here!"
"Don't you dare, Reeves. I'm fine-"
"It's NOT SAFE for her to be locked in a room with me, use your FUCKING brain!"
"Ignore him, we're fine!" She called back, not quite sure if she believed her own words.

Zara and Bucky were locked in a standoff, both of them glaring at each other, Zara shaking, Bucky's chest heaving. There were a few moments of silence, followed by Dr Reeve's voice over the intercom again.
"Zara?"
"It's fine... I just want to talk to him, that's all. He won't hurt me..." She said, bravely making eye contact with him, "...Will you, Buck?"
"I can't make that promise, obviously..." He growled, his jaw clenched angrily and his body tense.
"If you were going to hurt me you'd have done it already" Zara said, watching him flinch at her words.

"I'm right here if you need me, Zee" Came the voice over the speaker again.
"Got it"

Zara took a step towards him, her eyes locked onto his as if testing him out, followed by another step. She stopped to take a breath, holding her side where her ribs hurt.
"I got your flowers..." She said, her voice shaky and uncertain. There were a few moments of silence, Bucky swallowing and looking away for a moment before making eye contact again.
"Zara, what are you doing here?" he asked, getting straight to the point. She chewed the inside of her cheek nervously.
"I was worried" She said, her voice feeble and quiet.

He let out a breath, looking her up and down, his expression softening a little.
"You don't need to worry about me. I'd rather you didn't, actually"
Zara clenched her jaw, stepping towards him again, making her way around the foot of the bed, gripping the edge of it to support herself.
"-That's close enough..." He warned, Zara ignoring him as she kept coming.
"It doesn't matter if I was sitting on your lap or standing by the door. You'd still kill me in a second if you really wanted to," She said defiantly, "So it makes no difference."
"It makes PLENTY of difference-" He said, raising his voice.
"-No it doesn't. It doesn't change a damn thing... Shutting me out won't help matters either, while we're at it"
"Back off, Zara. I mean it."
"I'm not afraid of you"
"Yes you are.." He said, those eyes looking into right into her soul. Zara swallowed hard, opening her mouth to speak, only to be cut off again. "And as you should be..."
"Is that a threat?"

Bucky sucked in a breath, looking her up and down again, his tough expression faltering for a second when he saw her flinch at his words. Zara bit her lip, holding tears back. She let out a breath, composing herself and standing her ground. She shook off her moment of emotion, eyeing him still, waiting for him to say something... Anything.

"No... It's not a threat..." He sighed, glancing hopefully towards the door, and then back at Zara. "I wish I could say I'd never threaten you, but that ship's well and truly sailed, hasn't it?"

Zara gripped the end of the bed, her knuckles white as she steadied herself. She closed her eyes for a second as the sick, dizzy feeling overwhelmed her for a few moments, taking a breath as she waited for it to pass.
"Mind if I sit?" She asked, looking over to him for permission. He didn't answer her, so she sat at the end of the bed, keeping distance between them.

"Bucky... Those few days we spent in the house, I know it wasn't your fault..." She said, mustering the courage to speak. He gave a sarcastic chuckle, not wanting to believe a word she said.
"Every threat, every clash... It was all Larson and Ward. It wasn't you..."
"That's such bullshit Zara, and you know it. You knew it was me, you said things... Personal things..."
"Of COURSE I did, I was trying to snap you out of it!"
"Yeah, and I lashed out at you because of it!"
"Which means it was working!" Zara snapped at him, both of them going quiet for a few moments. "I just wasn't strong enough to break through it. If I'd have been able to hold out for a little longer..." She said, trailing off with a defeated shrug.
"Then I'd probably have killed you..." He said regretfully, his voice low and sad.

Zara had to tear her eyes away from his, not being able to bear the broken look on his face. His jaw was clenched in an effort to stay strong, but like her, it appeared he was just barely hanging on. She bit her lip again, not allowing it to tremble, wrapping her hands into fists as she fought of the urge to break down and cry right then and there.

"I did everything I did to try and save the both of us, and I know if the roles were reversed, you'd have done the same for me..."
"Of course I would." He said after a pause, his expression softening a little.

They both let out a breath at the same time, trying to relax in the presence of one and other. Zara looked over, noticing Bucky was watching her, and for a moment she wished she had Candice's powers, what she wouldn't give to know what he was thinking...

"I'm sorry I totaled your car" She said, earning an actual smile and a chuckle off him, which made her smile as well. "At least we know the airbags worked"
He bit his lip, his laughter turning to sorrow again as a dark cloud seemingly formed over him, his face apologetic and sad. Zara frowned a little at the sudden change in him, and suddenly wanted to reach out and hold him. She moved a little closer and to her surprise he lifted his arms in a wordless invite for her to lay with him, which she took.

She laid her head down on his chest, his arms finding their way around her body gently, despite his cuffed wrists. He laid a kiss on her temple, Zara suddenly not able to take it anymore as tears welled up in her eyes.
"I'm so, so, sorry, Zee..." He said, his voice cracking. She nodded against him, unable to speak as her emotions overcame her and she choked back a sob, wrapping a fist into his shirt as she clung to him.

They stayed like that for quite some time, Zara pulling herself together as best she could. She let out a breath, hanging onto him tightly still, his warm flesh arm against her back a welcome comfort to her. A glance up at Bucky's face revealed that his eyes were a little wet, bringing back that urge to cry she'd worked so hard to suppress. She bit her lip and held it back, just trying to be grateful that they were together again for now.
"Are you okay Buck?" She whispered, feeling his chest move as he exhaled at the weight of the question. He shook his head, still holding her against him, muttering a single word in response.
"No..."
"I'm here... No matter what" She said quietly, feeling his lips press against her forehead again.
"I want to ask you the same thing, but it seems like a such a stupid question given the circumstances... How could anyone be okay after something like that?" He mused aloud, his voice low and raspy, "I've been so worried about you. I've been sick worrying... I thought you'd hate me, part of me was HOPING you would hate me, just so you'd stay away... So you'd be safe, but selfishly, on the other hand, I couldn't stand it if you did. Or if you were afraid of me... But I guess I couldn't blame you if that's how you felt."

Zara nodded against him, thinking of what must be going through his head, thinking about what he'd been agonizing over during the past few days.
"I don't hate you, Buck. Here I was thinking YOU hated ME when I walked in..."
"No... I just... I didn't trust myself not to hurt you" He said, his voice cracking again as he stopped himself, taking a breath. "I'll never forgive myself for what I did to you, for what I put you through. I remember EVERYTHING. You looking up with me with fear in your eyes, and my hand coming... I see it every time I close my eyes, and I can't stand it. I can only imagine what you must see. I'm so, SO sorry, I wish I could take it all away."

Zara wiped her face, a stray tear escaping despite her best efforts to hold them in. She closed her eyes, snuggling into his warm body, not sure if she was comforting him or herself.
"It's not your fault..." She whispered, feeling his arm tighten around her, his metal hand gently rubbing her arm. "If we're okay, I'll be okay..."

Bucky nodded, glancing down at her for a moment, his eyes catching her bruised legs emerging from under the hospital gown they had her in. He frowned, imagining what the rest of her must look like...
"You're so brave" He whispered, his cheek against her head as he held her.
"I don't feel very brave..."

"Zee, are you okay in there? I gotta get you back to your room, honey" Came the voice over the intercom.
"Yeah, we're okay. Five more minutes?"
"Make it a quick 5 minutes..."

Bucky let out a breath, looking down at her again. He held her gently and sat them both up, her face contorted as she clenched her jaw against the pain throughout her body. Her breath picked up a little as he steadied her, looking into her eyes with concern.
"Where does it hurt?"
"Everywhere... My ribs and my stomach mostly," She said, a hand going to the site of her gauze covered wound. "My body didn't hold up quite as well as yours did"
"Well, there's good reason for that" He said, managing a smile which Zara returned. She glanced down to his handcuffs and then back up to meet his eyes again, arching a brow thoughtfully.

"Well, now that we know you're okay, are you going to get rid of those?" She asked, Bucky giving a low chuckle. "As if they'd ever hold you for real anyway..."
He chuckled again looking down at the seemingly flimsy chain, nodding to her in agreement. He leaned away from her, yanking his arms apart, the cuffs breaking with a loud snap. He let out a sigh of relief, pulling them from his wrists, dropping what was left of them in a pile on the bedside table.
"I suppose they really WERE pointless..." He muttered under his breath, reaching for her hands to give them a very gentle squeeze.
"Between those and the sedatives that didn't sedate you..."

"Zara, come on..." Nagged the voice over the intercom again, Zara looking over to Bucky apologetically. "You've just had surgery, we need to get fluids and medicine into you like we talked about."
"On my way, sorry" She answered.
"What surgery?" Bucky asked, suddenly worried again.
"I had some internal bleeding, something in there ruptured and they had to place a few clamps. I'll be fine, just need to take it easy for a little while" She said, his hand finding her cheek, making her breath hitch. He looked at her somewhat cautiously, taking his hand away.
"Sorry... Tender..." She said, suddenly feeling bad.
"It's where I hit you, isn't it?" He said, his voice almost a whisper.
"Um, I'm not sure... But it's okay, really" She said unconvincingly, waving her hand casually as she turned to swing her legs off the bed.

"Zee..." He stopped her, "Don't..."
"What? It's no big deal, injuries heal. Some faster than others" She joked, swallowing hard as she moved to stand. Bucky was on his feet, helping her before she could tell him not to, much to her annoyance. He paused, one arm holding her, the other tilting her chin gently so she was looking at him.

"Zee... This didn't just happen to one of us" He said, placing a finger over her lips when she went to speak, "It's only natural that you're going to be nervous around me, just like I'm going to be nervous around you."
"You're nervous around me?"
"Of course I am. I don't want you to feel threatened or unsafe around me. I don't want to feel like a big scary monster, I want to look after my girl... If she'll let me"
"That's sweet, but I'll be fi-"
"Don't argue with me, or tell me that you're fine. You came here off your own back to be here for me, and you better believe I'm gonna be there for you okay?"
She let out a defeated breath and gave him a nod, his hands hesitantly finding her face again before pressing a gentle kiss to her lips. They pulled apart , looking into each others eyes for a few moments, as if studying one and other. Bucky relented, wrapping his arms around her and held her until she relaxed, leaving a feather light kiss on her forehead.
"I love you, Zee"
"I love you too..." She whispered.


He helped her to the door, holding her up as she swiped the card, the door popping open to reveal the worried face of Dr Reeves.
"Barnes!? I thought you were cuffed?"
"I was..."
Dr Reeves shook her head, not even wanting to go there as she reached out for Zara's hand, helping her into the chair. "Tony knows..." She warned, Zara groaning in response.
"Knows what?" Bucky asked, looking back and forth between the two.
"Knows that I snuck her out... And he's gonna kick both our butts if I don't get her back asap" Dr Reeves said, in a hurry to leave. "Actually he's going to kick both our butts regardless, which is why we have to go NOW."
"I'll speak to him" Bucky suggested.
"NO" Both Zara and the doctor said at the same time.

Bucky stepped out of the room with a shrug, pulling the door closed behind him.
"I'm not going to sit in my room, while Stark gives you and her the third degree... Not after what she just did for me" He said, a defiant look on his face as he gestured for Dr Reeves to move over. "I'll push" He added, taking the wheelchair handles.
"Jesus Christ... I am so fired... Seeya later Shield career..." Came Dr Reeves' worried voice. He turned to give her an exasperated look, the doctor quick to relent and gesture down the hallway. "Don't mind me, Barnes... Go right ahead"
"Don't worry about Stark, he's just doing the protective thing... Which is fine, but if he gets in your face or Zara's, then I'm going to do MY protective thing."

Zara let out a worried sigh, pushing her hair out of her face. Bucky reached down to her shoulders, giving them a gentle, reassuring squeeze.
"I don't want a fight-" The doctor started, before being cut off.
"I don't want to fight with or hurt anyone. I just want to be there for those who were there for me. That's all" He said, Zara's hand finding his on her shoulder. She let out a yawn and nodded, the doctor relenting again, this time happier to do so.

"Let's get moving" He said softly, pushing the chair into motion.