Chapter 6
Everyone in Avenger HQ had stopped laughing at Tony’s insane plan to make it snow once they saw the first snowflakes floating down. It started at dawn and by noon four inches of the white stuff covered the ground. Much of the facility emptied out to enjoy the winter wonderland.
Clint parked the SUV at the curb to see trainees, staff and a few Avengers enjoying the weather. Campfires were set up not far from the ridge where the sledding had gotten off to a start. Stations for hot cocoa and s’mores were set not far. It was most definitely the snow party Tony Stark had promised.
“Daddy! Out!” Riley excitedly yelled.
“I’m coming.”
He got out of the car and helped Riley out of his car seat. Clint had just closed the door when Riley took off. He hurried to catch him and halted when he saw Riley stop where Phil was standing with Maria.
Riley smiled at Phil and was talking and eagerly waving his hands about. His handler was engaging Riley with ease and Clint crossed the snow to them.
“He just ran straight to me,” Phil commented.
“Yeah,” Clint answered. He was still surprised by that. “He’s been talking about playing in the snow all morning.”
“Daddy, look!” Riley pointed to the slope where sledding races were being conducted. He latched onto Clint’s hand. “Let’s go, Daddy. Go!”
“You should,” Phil told him.
“Okay.”
Clint turned to go with Riley, when the boy stopped and held out his hand towards Phil. “Phil go, too!”
Phil was startled. He looked at Clint who shrugged his shoulders and grinned.
“I think that’s an order.”
Nothing surprised Phil more than when Riley reached for is prosthetic hand. They started towards the sleds.
“I’m surprised he even remembered me.”
“Riley’s got a lockbox of a memory.” Clint gave him a brief glance. “Just like you.”
Phil was relieved when they got to the sleds. He didn’t know how to respond to that. The boy’s gloved hand was so small in his, that he instinctively held it a little tighter.
Clint got a long sled and Phil followed him and Riley to an open spot on the slope. He put it on the ground, sat on it and put both hands out for Riley. This time the boy stepped back closer to Phil.
“It’s okay, Riley. I’ll hold you,” Clint assured him.
Phil knelt next to him. “This will be so much fun, you’ll want to do it over and over,” Phil promised.
Riley stepped closer not letting go of Phil’s hand.
“I don’t think he’s gonna let go. You might as well join us. There’s enough room,” Clint told him.
“Are you sure?” After Clint’s nod, Phil wasn’t quite sure where to sit. He chose to move behind the archer and put his legs on each side of Clint’s. Phil didn’t quite know what to do with his hands.
“Come on, Riley,” Clint said. “Your turn.”
The boy came over and Clint set him in front.
“I’m gonna hold you just like this,” Clint told Riley. “I won’t let go.”
“Promise,” the boy demanded.
“Phil and I promise.” Clint looked over his shoulder. “You wanna do the honors, boss?”
Phil’s heart warmed. He hadn’t heard the name from Clint in so long. He put his hands into cold snow and pushed.
The sled dipped so suddenly, that Phil grabbed Clint’s waist to keep from falling off. His heart was pounding and when he heard Riley laughing and Clint whooping that he joined them as the sled raced down the hill.
With a skid, the sled turned at the foot of the hill and the three of them were tipped over falling to their backs with Riley splayed between Phil and Clint. All three laughed together still feeling the rush from the ride.
“Picture, Daddy!” Riley jumped on Clint and searched his pockets.
“Yeah, I got it,” Clint said with a chuckle.
As he dug for the phone, Riley moved in between them and laid on his back with a wide smile. Phil was still grinning when Clint held up the cell phone and snapped a picture.
Riley was already up and trying to pull both men to their feet. “Again! Daddy, Phil, again!”
“Who am I to argue,” Phil said sitting up. He gazed at Clint who shrugged in agreement.
After two more sled rides, Phil showed Clint and Riley the art of s’mores. They shared a large cup of hot cocoa. The day wasn’t over yet. Snow angels were a must.
An impromptu snowball fight broke out which had Tony and Clint both in the penalty box for their joined effort in using a modified baseball pitching machine to make snowballs which proved many a cold painful face-hits by the never-miss archer. That’s what happens when Captain America is the designated referee.
Before the party broke up, Phil and Clint put together the world’s best looking snowman with Riley’s help.
Phil walked with Clint and a tired Riley to the SUV. After the boy was strapped inside, Clint glanced over.
“You can come if you’d like.”
“Phil come home,” Riley said with a yawn.
After seeing a reassuring nod from Clint, Phil got into the car. By the time they got to the house, Riley was out and Phil carried him inside to his room. With Clint’s help, they got him out of the winter clothes and under the covers.
Out in the hallway, Phil watched from the doorway as Riley slept.
“He’s incredible,” Phil said with wonder. “You’ve done a great job with him.”
“He was already great when I got him. I can’t imagine what my life would be without him.”
Clint closed the door and leaned against the wall.
“Today was fun,” Clint said. “It was good to see you like this.”
There was so much Phil wanted to say, but the words wouldn’t come. The day had been so wonderful and he hated seeing it end. Phil opened his mouth to speak and instead found himself pulling Clint in for a kiss.
Their bodies fit close together as they wrapped their arms around one another. Clint kissed intently and Phil welcomed it. He could smell and taste the essence of Clint. Phil sought more as the need for one another deepened.
While Clint was reaching for the buttons on his shirt, Phil was pulling on the sweater Clint was wearing. As the clothes came off, Clint was pulling Phil into his bedroom. Not breaking the kiss, Phil closed the door behind them.
~*~
Clint wasn’t sure what it was that woke him at first. His eyes opened at feeling the body in his arms jolt. Phil was covered in sweat and in the grip of a nightmare. There was a second jolt and a shudder.
“Phil,” Clint said in a low voice. He knew to tread carefully. “Phil, wake up, babe.”
Phil suddenly jerked away and sat upright. He glanced at Clint, then averted his eyes.
“I’m sorry.” Phil covered his eyes.
“It’s okay.” Clint took Phil’s hand in his. “Want to talk about it?”
“No, I can’t.” Phil shifted around and scooted off the bed. “I should leave. This was a mistake.”
“What?” Clint raised up towards Phil. “Why?”
Still shaking from the nightmare, Phil reached for his boxers.
“It can’t happen,” Phil muttered while searching for the rest of his clothes.
Dumbfounded, Clint watched Phil dress and before the man left the bedroom he grabbed his sleeper pants. He followed Phil down the stairs to the living room.
“Phil, talk to me,” Clint roughly told him.
Holding his coat in one hand and his shoes in another, Phil just said, “I think that’s supposed to be my line.”
“Yeah, it was when I needed to hear it. You need it now more than I ever fucking did.”
Phil sighed. Leave it to Clint to turn his own words back on him. He went to the chair and set the items in his hands on the floor. Clint sat on the coffee table across from him.
“Is this about your hand?” Clint gently asked.
“No. I get pissed at it, but no. I’m tie-less these days, but I’ve adjusted other than the occasional phantom pain.”
“I could tell that today when Riley grabbed it. You’re comfortable with it. I could make us some coffee or something if that’d help.”
“I’m fine.”
“Phil, I never meant for us to move this fast and if that’s why you need to leave…”
“God, Clint, no.” Phil rubbed his eyes. “It honestly has nothing to do with you. It’s me. I’m toxic for both you and Riley.”
“Let me be the judge,” Clint softly countered. “Start with telling me about your nightmare.”
“They’re worse now.” Phil leaned back and he wanted to cry when he looked at Clint. “It used to be a replay of something that happened not long ago. Now, it’s you I see. Tonight it was both you and Riley.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I was seeing someone,” Phil admitted. “It wasn’t serious, but she was a good person. Both of us were cut from the same cloth, so to speak. We were having dinner and she was murdered in front of me. Stark brought me here and after seeing you, that night it was you. Now, it’s you and Riley.”
Seeing the tears on his cheeks, Clint reached for Phil. “Jesus, Phil. I’m so sorry. Isn’t it all the more reason not to leave? To not let that bastard win over you? Over us?”
“Grant Ward.” Phil bit the name out as if it were a curse.
“Ward? It was him?”
“He was Hydra and nearly killed my entire team.”
“Fury said Ward was Hydra. Shocked the hell out of me at the time.”
“Fury told you.”
“Yeah, he did. Ward was a tight ass, but it never occurred to me he was on the dark side.”
“You knew him?”
“That crazy SOB Garrett sent Ward my way for some advanced sniper training about five years ago, I think it was. We spent a few months in a South American jungle with me training him in long distance and damn near impossible shots. You were laid up at home nursing a broken leg at the time and I was bored.”
Phil chastised himself before responding. “I read Ward’s file cover to cover and I don’t even remember it.”
“It’d be in Hydra’s files,” Clint muttered.
“What were your impressions of him? Did you reach a conclusion about his abilities?”
“Are you still after him?”
“Ward’s dead.”
Clint looked at him in confusion. “Fury said he killed Hand and a lot of good agents. The asshole is dead. What’s the point?”
“I want to know what you thought of him, professionally and personally speaking.”
“Jesus, Phil. You’re treating this like fucking after-action report. Why is it so important that you know?”
Phil edged forward. “How did I miss it? There was a Hydra agent and not just any Hydra agent. He was one of their deadliest and most talented. How could I have been so blind as to not see what was right in front of me?”
“Come on, Phil. You’ve told me more than once over the years. Even the best of us miss things. This isn’t your fault.”
“It is,” Phil said shaking his head. “It is. I should’ve done more. Should’ve intervened and got more involved with my team.”
“What are you talking about?” Phil was rambling and it scared Clint to see him like this.
“I could’ve stopped all of it!” Phil forcefully answered. “There were so many times I could’ve stepped forward, when he was vulnerable…”
“Oh, my God,” Clint breathed. He couldn’t believe his ears. “You wanted to save him. You still think you could’ve helped him.”
“I killed him.” He raised the black prosthetic for Clint to see. “With my own hand I took his life. He was barely conscious and I killed him, Clint. I’m not sorry I did it, either.”
“Fuck,” Clint bit out. He got to his feet and rubbed his face. “Phil, you saw talent in Ward. Hell, so did a lot of other people, me included. When I first got to SHIELD, you said the same things to me and Natasha both. You saved us from ourselves and made us into great agents.” He went back to Phil and kneeled. “You wanted to save Ward and you couldn’t. You had to kill him instead.”
That was guilt Phil was struggling with. If it hadn’t been for Ward’s betrayal, perhaps Phil would have come to them sooner. Clint couldn’t be sure, but it explained a lot.
Phil wiped his face. “When he killed Rosalind, I became so enraged and vengeance was all I could think about. He murdered good people, brought pain in every way possible to those around me. I keep thinking it was because I failed him and he was furious at me.”
“To hear Fury tell it, Ward was a lost cause ages ago. He murdered his own parents and brother, burned down their house. Garrett took a psychopath and honed him into a Hydra agent. There was no decent being inside of him to save by the time you got him, Phil.”
Of course, he was right, Phil thought. Clint was able to view it all objectively. He hadn’t been able to do that since the day he’d discovered Ward was an agent. A small part had held onto hope a good man still resided somewhere inside of Grant Ward.
Phil put his shoes on and stood. “I should go.”
Clint vehemently shook his head. “No, you shouldn’t. You should stay here with me and Riley. I think you need us as much as we need you.”
“Clint, I can’t abandon my responsibilities.”
“I’m not asking you to and you know it. All your reasons for walking out are running thin and you’ve only got one that’s in the way right now. You stay and I swear, Phil, it’ll be gone by morning.”
“What would that be?” Phil was tired. He just wanted to close his eyes and forget the world already, but nightmares awaited him.
“Fear. This right here,” Clint said motioning around him towards the house. “This is the first real thing you’ll ever have. It’s the normal stuff that’s more frightening than all our missions put together. Scrambled eggs and Captain Crunch cereal for breakfast, stepping on Legos in your bare feet, and an ugly stray cat walking on your car. You haven’t lived until Gray’s Anatomy night with Natasha and my brother.”
“You are an amazing father, Clint. Thank you for everything.”
Phil turned to leave and Clint calling his name stopped him.
“Phil! You’re walking out on the best life ever.”
He was too broken. Clint and Riley didn’t deserve that. “I know.”
When the door closed behind Phil, Clint swung around. He heard the text notification on his phone and stalked across the room. He swiped it on and read Barney was on his way home. Clint exited out of the app and saw the photo from earlier in the day. He’d set the photo of the three of them lying on the snow as his background. Pissed, Clint threw it and it landed on the tile floor of the kitchen. He went upstairs to bed and sleep never came.
~*~
It was Barney who found the cellphone on the floor. The glass was shattered across the photo. He picked it up and sighed. Cursing Phil all the while, he took the phone.
~*~
At 5am in the morning, Tony stumbled into his lab carrying the strongest coffee he could make. He was rubbing his eyes when he saw a cellphone with a post-it stuck to the front. Written in crooked scrawls were these two words:
FIX IT!!
BB
Tony tossed the post-it aside and turned on the phone. The lock screen photo told him the entire story and he got to work.