Chapter 7
When Phil got back to SHIELD, he found it so quiet that the only sounds he heard most of the time were his own steps. With the exception of a skeleton staff, it was mostly him roaming the hallways. The facility seemed darker than usual and without Daisy, Melinda and everyone else it was lonelier than he’d ever known it. Mack had seen to his duties as director and even the bad guys were even taking a break for the holiday.
With so little to do, Phil spent the first day doing nonessential paperwork that had been backlogged. It reminded him a lot of his time at SHIELD when he’d started out as Clint’s handler. A few times Phil would look up from his desk and expect the archer to saunter through the door and make a nest on the comfortable sofa in his old office.
Phil wondered what would have happened had he acted on his attraction, but shook away the what-ifs he imagined. That Phil would never have done it. Fraternization rules were clear even though Nick Fury would have given less than two fucks if his best agents were shacking up in between missions. Phil had been a big believer in following the rules.
Laughing at himself, Phil got to his feet and left the office. Breaking the rules was pretty much his life these days.
The following day, Phil fixed coffee and a snack. He went to the day room where agents would gather for TV, Xbox and meals. Making himself comfortable with his old Captain America throw, Phil stretched out on the leather sofa and watched Hallmark Christmas movies. They were trite, sappy and fucking depressing.
When he woke up on the sofa on Christmas Eve, Phil forced himself up and headed for a shower. Afterwards, he made another pot of coffee, went back to his place and proceeded to torture himself more with horrible predictable Christmas movies.
Phil had nodded off and he opened his eyes suddenly. A body stood in the doorway and he couldn’t make out who it was until they stepped into the room.
“Banner?”
Bruce grinned a little. “Agent Coulson.”
“What are you doing here?”
Pushing his fingers through the untamed curls, Bruce shuffled forward.
“Tony threatened to Muppet Christmas Carol me to death,” Bruce said. “No way was Gonzo going to narrate my life.”
Phil almost smiled. “So he sent you here.”
“I guess he thinks I’ll be able to talk you into coming with me.”
Phil sat up and went to the kitchen with Bruce following.
“If Tony Stark ever accepted no for an answer, Earth would tilt on its axis in shock.” Phil reached for a cup. “You don’t drink coffee, do you?”
Bruce shook his head. “The Other Guy gets a little too close to the surface. I’ll take tea if you have it.”
“Gemma keeps some on hand.” Phil searched the cabinets and found the small box. He filled a mug with water and set it on the microwave.
“Tony didn’t elaborate about why you left. Want to talk about it?”
“I didn’t think psychiatry was your field.” Phil handed him the hot tea.
“I keep telling Tony, but it doesn’t do much good.” Bruce took a sip. “Last time he supplied his own couch. I should start billing him.”
Phil sat at the table and Bruce followed suit across from him. He studied him and noted the tiredness in his eyes.
“Looks like I’m not the only one in need of talking,” Phil observed. “Tired of running?”
“Always. I figured stopping for a little while couldn’t hurt. You?”
Then Phil did chuckle. “Touché. Maybe I should be on a couch.”
“I’m sorry. That was a low blow.”
“No, it wasn’t. You remember Barton?”
“Yeah, Clint and I became good friends. I thought he and Natasha had a thing until she clued me in early on.”
“I became his handler when he was twenty-two. I was barely thirty myself at the time. For over eighteen years we’ve had each other’s backs, doctored wounds and saved one another more times than I can count.”
“He was devastated when he thought you were dead. I mean, we all took it hard, but for Clint especially, he never got over it.”
“I’ve never cared about anyone quite same as I did with Clint. I always thought it was regulation which kept me from acting on my feelings. Maybe I was running from what Clint meant to me, still does.”
“Do you know why?” Bruce asked.
“Fear,” Phil said in a low voice. He shook his head and sighed. “I’ve been afraid in my life, but how can it be of something like love?”
“Fear is weakness, vulnerability to most people,” Bruce explained. “Showing it means exposing that part of yourself you hide away. As a SHIELD agent, it’s the last thing you show to your enemies. I’m not surprised that it’s become second nature to bury.”
“Tony was right about you,” Phil said.
Bruce shyly grinned and shook his head. “No. Fear and I are pretty good friends. I’ve gotten to know it well over the years. That’s what happens when it’s your constant companion. I’ve lived in fear most of my life from the time I was a child. After my…” Bruce took a breath before continuing. “accident, I learned how much fear guided my decisions and rather than beat it, I got to know it and used it to work for me rather than the other way around.”
“I hope you’re not suggesting I follow your cue, Dr. Banner.”
“Call me Bruce. No, I think you already know what you need to do. I’m just here so I can tell Tony I gave it the good college try. I never expected you to come back with me.”
“Why are you going?”
“Natasha,” Bruce answered. “She deserves more than what I gave her when I last saw her.”
“You’ll still wind up leaving and saying goodbye,” Phil surmised.
“Maybe, but I think I’d like to grab a chance for happiness and love even if it’s just for a little while. There’s not much of a chance for a happy ending for us. Kind of like that song,” Bruce said with a sad smile.
“What song?”
“The Dance by Garth Brooks. Have you heard it?”
“I’m not that good with music.”
“Our lives are better left to chance I could’ve missed the pain, but I’d have to miss the dance.”
The words made Phil realize he wouldn’t trade his years with Clint for anything. Before he could think more on it, he heard the notification on his cell. He pulled it from his pocket and grit his teeth.
“What is it?” Bruce asked.
“Stark wouldn’t be Stark if he wasn’t a pain in the ass. My phone is supposed to be secured against unauthorized numbers.”
“That’s Tony for you.”
Phil swiped the screen and opened his text app. A photo appeared and he leaned back as he gazed at the three happy faces of himself, Clint and Riley.
“Hitting below the belt is not unusual for him as well.” Phil slid the phone over to Bruce.
Bruce glanced at it, then Phil. “Nice looking family.”
“We’re not.”
“It could be.”
“You’ve been talking to Stark too much.”
“I think I get it from Pepper, actually. She’s always checking on me behind Tony’s back.”
Phil took the phone back from Bruce and raised an eyebrow. “If I come back, do you think there is a way for Tony Stark to not get credit?”
Bruce grinned. “Not a chance.”
~*~
Clint had gone all out for Christmas. Aside from the multitude of gifts under the tree, he wanted an intimate gathering of his closest friends for Christmas Eve night. With Christmas music playing in the background and the toasting of eggnog, the Avengers were celebrating the holiday together.
Riley had gotten a few gifts early. He and Tony were on the floor putting together the Lego Millennium Falcon. Who knew Tony Stark and kids could go so well together? Clint was shaking his head as he left the bedroom back to the party. He was refilling his glass, when he heard the doorbell.
Clint went into the living room and was halted by the sight of a slender Santa Claus, red suit and all standing in the middle of the room.
“Santa go on a diet?” Clint was trying to figure who was under the white beard when he saw the eyes. Somewhere in his vision he caught Bruce and Natasha holding one another.
Santa came closer and Clint stilled when he saw those familiar bright blue eyes.
“Phil?” He could scarcely breathe.
“Merry Christmas?” Phil was sure this was the biggest mistake of his life with the shocked look on Clint’s face. Maybe he was too late to fix everything.
“What are you doing here?”
“Can we talk, Clint? Please? I’ll leave afterwards if you want.”
“Um, yeah.” Scratching his head, Clint walked past the kitchen, through the dining room out to the back porch. He turned around and watched Phil pull the beard down to hook under his chin.
“Thank you,” Phil said.
“If you plan on leaving again, I’d rather not have Riley see you right now. He was asking about you the next morning after you’d left.”
Phil had no idea on how to begin so he just blurted out the first thing that came to mind.
“I love you.” When Clint stared at him speechless, he continued. “I don’t have a right to tell you that now, even though I should’ve said it years ago. I’ve fucked up our relationship from the beginning and in more ways than I ever realized, Clint. I care about you and Riley, both. I can only hope you’ll forgive me and give me another chance at doing this right.”
“You want us…both of us?”
“More than anything,” Phil told him. “I didn’t know I had commitment issues or that any of this was ever a possibility until I thought it was out of reach. I’ll likely screw it up once in a while. I think we could be a family if you’ll give me a ch…”
Phil was jerked forward and Clint was kissing him. It startled him at first, but he was quick to melt into Clint’s lips and put his arms around him.
“I love you, you crazy asshole,” Clint whispered in his mouth before kissing Phil more.
Neither noticed Riley watching them through the window with a grin and the Avengers gathering as well.