Chapter 4
Using Natasha’s car, Phil drove to the address she’d given him. When he parked at the curb and gazed at the house, he couldn’t have been more surprised. In years past, Clint’s apartment in the city was furnished just enough to meet his needs despite the erratic schedule. This was far from what Phil expected.
A neatly trimmed lawn with row of bushes surrounded the two story home. The large porch was decorated with lights and a twinkling plastic Santa stood in front of it next to a reindeer. The entire scene could’ve been right out of a Hallmark card when he saw a wreath on a door surrounded by garland.
Phil got out of the car and took in the Christmas décor as he stepped onto the porch. He took a deep breath to calm his nerves and after a moment, he finally knocked. Phil waited. He was starting to think Clint had changed his mind when the door opened.
Clint looked better than ever, Phil thought. He wore a midnight blue button down shirt and dark jeans which brought out the sharp hazel/gold eyes.
“Hi.” Phil couldn’t think of anything else to say.
Stepping aside, Clint said, “Come on in. I’ve got coffee.”
“Sounds good.” Phil nervously moved past him into the living room. He slid off his coat and hung it on the coat rack in the foyer.
As Clint left him to get coffee, Phil took a moment to look around. The room was inviting. Homey and warm were the only words that came to mind. A Christmas tree stood in the corner of the room with numerous brightly wrapped gifts of all shapes and sizes. Built-ins surrounded the fireplace which had photos on the mantel. Before he had a chance to scrutinize them, Clint returned with a cup.
“Have a seat,” Clint said.
Phil took the couch while Clint sat in the chair across from him. Rather than the furious and betrayed Clint Barton he’d expected, he was welcomed with a cup of coffee, a good one at that.
“This is delicious,” Phil commented.
“It was your preferred brand when you were my handler,” Clint said.
“Sorry. It’s been a while.”
The conversation lulled into an awkward silence and Clint finally broke it by pointing out the elephant in the room.
“So, you were dead.”
“For a while, actually. A very long while.”
“How long?”
“I’m not exactly sure. Possibly several days.”
Clint leaned back in the chair waiting for Phil to continue.
“The best I can figure is that about a year before Puerto Antiguo, Fury put me in charge of a project called TAHITI. It was designed for the sole purpose of bringing an Avenger back to life should one meet his or her end. It was a failure because of the deleterious effect it was having on the test subjects. I had their minds wiped and they were given new identities away from SHIELD. If Fury hadn’t ended the project, I was going to tender my resignation.”
“I remember Sitwell taking over as handler during that time. You were pretty much incognito. No one knew why. Not even Hill.”
“It was off the books.”
“So,” Clint said running his thumb on the rim of his cup. “You were the next test subject. In your case, call it a success. You’re here with memory intact.”
“Far from it,” Phil admitted. “It was selective memory tampering. The after effects did have a detrimental effect. With the help of my team, I recovered.”
Clint sipped his coffee. “Your team.”
Phil’s eyes met Clint’s. “I was given a new team and with a new mission. To track, investigate and eliminate rising threats. We were living in a different world after Loki.”
“And tell me how is it that Natasha and I weren’t included with your new team?”
“You both had moved beyond Strike Team Delta and SHIELD.”
Clint laughed before Phil could continue. “Wow, that’s mighty fucking sensei of you, Coulson.”
“I’m not sure what more you want from me, Clint,” Phil said in a low voice.
Jerking forward in his seat, Clint glared at him. “How about picking up the goddamn phone? Or maybe even a fucking postcard!”
“Clint…”
“What the hell were we to you? Were we so goddamn easily replaceable that you could walk away after the years Natasha and I worked for you? Bhutan, Istanbul, Marquette? What about Budapest, Phil? Fucking Budapest!” Clint shook his head and leaned back. “The three of us were trapped for four fucking days in a hovel bleeding all over the place.”
“I remember.”
“Wasn’t sure you did with all that reorganizing that went on in your head,” Clint muttered.
Phil didn’t know what to say to that. He took another glance at the photos, but they blurred before him. He wiped his eyes.
“You’ve done well for yourself,” Phil commented. “This is a nice home.”
“I had a reason to get my act together after everything.”
A wife, husband or boyfriend, Phil surmised. It would make sense that Clint would meet someone. He was surprised at his own jealousy arising at the thought of someone being so intimate with Clint. They’d had their moments in the past. Not sexual in nature, but a closeness that few people ever understood. Phil had always enjoyed knowing he was the only one, aside from Natasha, that Clint ever let so close. Thinking about it brought about more regrets and guilt.
Hearing the slamming of a car door, Phil looked up to see Clint getting to his feet.
“Looks like my reason finally showed up.”
The door opened and Phil saw a small form racing towards Clint. It was a child that had landed in his arms and look of pure joy on Clint’s face was one for the record books. Phil was gob smacked at seeing how happy his former asset was.
“Daddy!”
Clint grinned as he took the winter cap off Riley’s head. “Hey, kid. Have fun at the party?”
“Yes,” Riley grinned. “Blue koo-aid!”
“Let me see,” Clint said. He inspected the blue tongue. “Yep, you need a trip to the ice cream counter to take care of that.”
Riley giggled.
Phil was entranced by the scene playing out before him. Clint had a son. Nothing could have shocked him more.
Another figure moved inside and Phil glanced over. He nearly as surprised to see Barney, Clint’s brother taking off his coat. The man gave Phil a hard glare before turning back to Clint.
“Hope we interrupted something,” Barney bit out.
Clint got to his feet and handed Barney Riley’s coat. “Settle down,” he muttered. “Now’s not the time.”
Barney tightened his mouth and nodded. Clint picked Riley up and walked towards Phil.
“Hey, Riley. This is Phil. He’s a friend of mine.”
The boy gazed at Phil with uncertainty and he wasn’t quite sure how to proceed.
“Hello, Riley,” Phil said. “Did you go to a party today?”
Riley turned his head and buried his face in Clint’s shoulder. Phil watched how Clint gave the boy’s shoulder a comforting rub.
“Hey, kiddo. It’s okay,” Clint soothed. “He’s a friend.”
Riley just clutched him tighter and Clint gave Phil an apologetic look.
“He gets that way with people he doesn’t know. He’ll warm up before you know it.”
“Of course. I understand.”
Clint turned towards Barney who had stayed to witness the meeting. Phil knew a protective stance when he saw it. He took a step back and wondered if he should leave.
“Could you get his bath done? I’ll be up in a little while,” Clint asked his brother.
“Yeah, bro.” Riley easily went to Barney.
Phil watched Barney take his nephew up the stairs and then he looked at Clint.
“You have a son.” Phil was still in awe of the love Clint shared with Riley. “I’m happy for you.”
“We’ll see how long that lasts.” Clint picked up the coffee cups and took them in the kitchen with Phil following.
“What do you mean?”
Clint poured the remaining coffee out and set the cups in the sink. He turned around and leaned against the counter.
“The reason you’re here is because of Riley.”
“I’m not following.”
“Audrey was Riley’s mother, Phil. He’d just turned two when she died.”
The news was a punch to the stomach. Phil felt the air leave his lungs.
“How?” He remembered how full of life and happy she always strived to be.
“Cancer. It hit fast and hard. There wasn’t anything anyone could do.”
Phil blinked back the tears. His knees felt weak.
“I don’t understand.”
“She had no one,” Clint roughly explained.
“You and Audrey?” Phil was confused. How had they even met?
“I was the one that told her you died. We helped each other get back on our feet.” Clint saw a hint of betrayal in Phil’s eyes. “I’m not Riley’s father, Phil. You are.”
“What?” Phil was frozen in shock. It couldn’t be.
“She didn’t find out until after we thought you were dead. Audrey called me because she needed help with Riley. She knew she wouldn’t be around much longer.”
Still trying to grasp all that Clint had told him, Phil went to a chair at the table and sat.
“He’s my son?”
Clint saw the confusion and shock on Phil’s face. He sat in the closest chair and leaned towards him.
“Riley is your son, Phil. You and Audrey are his parents.” Clint scooted a bit closer. “This is a lot to take in and you’ve got a lot to think about now. We’ve got a lot to talk about, too, and Riley needs to get to know you. I think if we ease him into it, he’ll come to love you before you know it and he’ll be all yours just like it’s supposed to be.”
“Clint, what are you talking about?”
“Riley’s your son. He belongs with you.”
Clint said it so simply as if it was a fact. Phil shook his head.
“He thinks you’re his father.”
Pulling away a bit, Clint sighed. “Well, everyone thought you were dead up until two days ago. In time, with you and me helping, we’ll tell him the truth when we think the time’s right.” Clint took another deep breath and let it out. This was harder than he thought it’d be. He was going to lose Riley and his gut knotted up just thinking about not reading to him every night or making his breakfast in the mornings. “We can start out slow, you know.”
“No,” Phil whispered.
There was no way Clint heard that word coming from Phil.
“It’s impossible. I can’t.”
“Why not?” Clint stilled feeling his heart grow cold.
“Clint, you’ve no idea how complicated and dangerous my life has become regardless of how much I’ve betrayed you by keeping the fact that I’m alive a secret. There is no place for a child in the world I have to live in. You of all people should understand that.”
Phil flinched when Clint jerked to his feet knocking the chair back.
Clint paced back and forth barely able to contain his fury.
“That fucking project must’ve done more than rearrange the furniture in your brain!” Clint bit out as he kept pacing. He stopped and glared daggers at Phil. “What the hell do you think I did, Phil! I changed my life for Riley, to give him as normal one as I could manage. That’s what parents do!”
“My life is too dangerous for anyone to be around, let alone a child.”
“This isn’t about you, Phil!” Clint yelled. “It’s about Riley and how you do what’s best for him, put him first…ahead of everything else!”
Phil watched Clint rub his face and knew how close he was to hitting him a second time. When Clint brought his hands down, he saw how red his eyes were. Phil hated the pain on Clint’s face and that he was the reason for it. He’d do anything to take it away, but didn’t know how.
“You were dead, Phil. All that got me through those first months was knowing that I was doing some good in the world. You always saw me as a better man than I thought I was and I wasn’t going to disgrace your memory or the faith you put in me.” Clint went to Phil. “I couldn’t think of a better way to honor you or fulfill what you wanted for me than by raising your son. I changed my entire life for Riley and put him first because that’s what I thought you would want.”
“Thank you,” Phil whispered. “I can’t think of anyone who…”
“Fuck you!” Clint bit out. “Just…fuck…you.”
“Clint, I’m in no way capable of being a father. Too much has happened and the person you keep talking about doesn’t exist anymore.”
“Is this about your hand?” Clint asked. “Riley’s been to Avenger HQ. He’ll see it as just another Stark toy.”
“I wish it were that simple.” His mind flashed back to his hand on Grant Ward’s chest, killing him, the look on Fitz’s face afterwards and the realization of how his own desperation, need for vengeance and uncaring of the costs had brought him to this point. “It’s possible to walk away from the darkness of our lives filled with horrific violence and death. You’re proof of it, Clint. The difference between you and me is that I went to the one place you never went in all of our years of working together.”
“Which is?”
“The one you never come back from.”
Clint said nothing as Phil turned and walked away. He didn’t move from his spot while his former handler, the man he still loved, grabbed his coat and left. Hearing the car driving away, Clint sunk down into a chair and buried his face in his hand.