Chapter 3
It was weird for Steve seeing Ethan Gills everyday, especially as before he had left in the forties he had pointedly avoided him. Ethan seemed to have forgiven him for all of that though and he was just happy Steve was back. Every day, after his morning run, Steve would head to Ethan's room and talk to him. They talked and talked, about politics, about the forties, about the fact that men could now marry men. It was nice thought Steve, to have someone from his home, another man out of time.
---
"Stevie, can I ask you something?" Ethan's voice was slow and Steve tensed up at the loaded question.
"Always, after all you've done for me."
"What were we?"
Ethan Gills moved to the neighbourhood when Steve was 20 and he was two years younger. His father had opened a bar and it had ended up with the reputation of being the local fairy bar but Bucky and Steve would always go anyway because the booze was cheap and the patrons didn't care what any one else was doing. It was the third night they had gone when Steve saw Ethan. He was skinny, not fragile like Steve, not strong like Bucky. His hair was cut short at the sides and gelled over the top. His eyes were big and green and he wore soft patterned shirts. Steve alternately wanted to draw or kiss him but he could never say either of those things.
---
One night when Bucky had gone out with (yet another) dame Steve had gone to the bar alone instead. He had sat at the bar sulking with weak, cheap beer. Ocassionly he would look up at Ethan, think to himself if Bucky can find other people why can't I. Finally he just decided he'd take the beating when it all went to shit and walked over to Ethan himself.
"Hey, I'm Steve."
"I'm Ethan. Aren't you usually here with someone else?" Steve stiffened at the question, thinking about how Bucky wasn't by his side. "Don't answer if you don't wanna."
"Sorry"
They talked the rest of the night, joking around. By the end of it Steve was comfortable, he didn't feel like his chest was going to explode. It was all going to be okay.
---
Steve was no longer terrified every time Bucky went on a date, because now he could just go talk to Ethan. He knew, deep down, no matter which boy it was it was always immoral and he still loved Bucky but there were no expectations with Ethan. It was all new, exciting even. Ethan never asked about Bucky and Steve never explained, that was always the rule, some things were off limits.
---
"So you're an artist, huh." A smirk flickered at the corners of Ethan's mouth.
"Sure." Steve grinned back, he could be modest but he never was when talking about his art. Then before he could think it through "Want to come to mine and see."
"Of course."
That's how they ended up in Steve's (and Bucky's) bedroom, poring over Steve's beautiful sketches.
"This is amazing, Stevie. I wish I was as talented as you." They looked up at each other, eyelashes casting dark shadows on pale skin. All Steve could think about was how plump his friends lips were. That couldn't be normal. He blamed it on the artist in his brain recognising all beauty but he knew it was more than that.
"Buck'll be home soon, so I'm gonna have to ask you to go. M'sorry."
"Nah, it's all right, my old man would be starting to worry anyway."
They dawdled through the apartment in short, lazy steps, drawing out the inevitabe parting.
"This was fun." Ethan looked down at Steve through those big, green eyes. Steve couldn't take it anymore.
"Can I kiss you?" The words spilled out and the blush painted Steve red all over.
"What?"
"Nevermind, nothing, nevermind, please don't tell anyone. Please don't tell Buck."
"Steve, look at me." Ethan pulled Steve's chin up lightly and pressed a soft kiss on his mouth. "This was fun." And then he was gone.
"You were the first Ethan. I don't know what else to say." Steve stared at the floor,scared of what was coming next.
The old man in front of him paused for a minute. "It took me a while to realise I wasn't what you really wanted, that was Bucky, always Bucky."
"I'm sorry, I didn't know what I wanted, I was just ashamed of what I was."
"I know Steve, I know. Can you leave me to think for a bit?"
"Of course."
---
Steve had to go on a recon mission later that day and he could feel the tension in his bones. It was an important mission Tasha kept telling him, he couldn't rush it, he was going to be away for a while. He was always nervous before all his missions, he tried to convince himself. But this was different. He couldn't stop thinking of all the ways he had let Ethan down back when they were young. He just felt like he had let so many people down back when he was young and now he had to deal with eveything he had left behind. He was visably shaking by the time the plane landed. So he squared his shoulders, strapped on his shield and acted like nothing was wrong.
---
The mission was not a success. To begin with it was perfect, Steve got into the base undetected. He got what he needed. But there had been an accident. Someone in the information department had mapped out the plans wrong. Captain America was in a Stark hospital in New York with a back full of bullets. The media was having a field day, the Avengers were distraught. No one knew how much Steve could heal from and everyone was scared that even if he could would he still be the Steve they knew.
---
"M'awake."
Moniters started beeping and the entire Avengers team came bursting through the narrow door of the hospital room the second they realised Steve was awake.
"Man, never scare us like that again Steve or I'll have to kill you." Sam looked like he was somewhere between crying and grinning. Natasha stood quietly in the corner with Clint trying to convince her it would all be okay, her family was safe. Tony was silent, looking almost embarrased at the fact he was there also.
"Sorry." Steve said it with a loose grin, his words hazy from the pain medication.
"It's okay just don't die on us, asshole." Sam pulled him into a somewhat awkward hug and Steve was just glad for the family he had.
---
It was a week before he was let out of hospital. One arm still in a sling, back covered in bandages and purpling bruises. But Steve insisted he was healthy and that the best thing for him now was his apartment. No one agreed with him but keeping Captain America locked in a hospital was easier said than done.
---
When Sall opened the door mascara was streaked down her face and her eyes were puffy, fear hit Steve like a punch to the gut.
"Shit. What's happened?" The blonde man tried to rush forward but was stopped by the worrying pull of stitches.
"Grandpa died yesterday. Shit, I'm sorry, everything's a bit of a mess at the moment." She rubbed at her eyes and sighed.
"Sall, it'll be okay. I'm sorry for your loss. Give me a shout if you need something." Steve offered a burst of platitudes to Sall, turning to go to his apartment. He could feel every footfall humming through his body as the tears welled up.
Steve and Ethan went on one thing that could constitute a date. They went to a local bar and drank, then went to Steve's apartment and kissed softly. It was the most two gay men in the thirties could get. Steve was amazed that even though they'd been drinking cheap beer the younger man's mouth still tasted like sugary sweet mint. It waspretty much perfect and yet when it was over Steve fought the urge to wash his mouth out with soap, to scrub his skin until it bled. He'd only just managed to get Ethan out of the apartment before Bucky got home.
---
That night he slept on the couch.
Steve was so tired of mourning. He had to mourn so often that instead of feeling sad there was just now an empty space where he felt his heart should be. He sat on his bed with his legs crossed, unmoving. He felt like he no right to mourn for Ethan Gills anyway. Ethan Gills was a good man and he deserved better, Steve decided. So he just sat there completely still.
It couldn't last forever. Of course it couldn't but it was a nice thing for Steve to cling to while it did. When he was with Ethan he felt like he was lit up from the inside. When he was gone the disgust crept in, a few times Steve considered starting up old bad habits. He was happy to have someone else. Sometimes he even felt like he was worth something.
---
It only took minutes for it to fall apart. Steve and Ethan were sitting on the couch, foreheads pressed together, mumbling into each others mouths. Bucky was out on another shitty date, he shouldn't have been home for another hour.
Except.
He came stumbling through the door, smelling like booze and sex.
"Stevie, babe, I'm home." His eyes widened at the sight of the two boys tangled together in front of him.
"Who the fuck is this! The fuck, Steve!" Bucky only cursed when he was really drunk so Steve scrambled away from Ethan as fast as his limbs would carry him.
"This is Ethan and he is leaving." Steve mouthed the word sorry and tried to usher Ethan away.
Bucky grabbed him by the arm as he left."Look, I don't know who you think you are but if you ever touch Stevie again... " He trailled off as Ethan bolted out of the tiny apartment.
---
Steve didn't talk to Bucky for a week after the incident.
---
"Look I'm sorry Steve. I just, I saw you with that guy and it made me so angry. I had to do something. I'm so so sorry, but god Stevie please talk to me again." Bucky's voice cracked and shook as he spoke. He was begging Steve, it was all he felt like he could do.
"Okay, Buck. But why does it matter to you anyway." Steve practically whispered the words, his tone sharp.
"I just .... Nevermind."
---
Steve didn't talk to Ethan again.
He sat still for hours until all the guilt and the sadness felt like it would crush him. Then he cried so hard he thought he might pull his stitches.