"I've built a Hulk-do. A Hulk-sized dildo. And also reinforced armour that'll allow me to use it as a strap-on," Tony explained, handing Bruce a glass of rage juice.
Bruce looked at the glass, and then at Tony. He did it again just in case the glass has some wisdom to share. "Tony...that's...uh, super thoughtful. But, you know, I kind of thought you were with, you know, Pepper?" He slapped together some courage, and added, "And Natasha and I have, like, a thing. It's not a real well defined thing--okay, I'm not sure if she thinks it's a thing, but I think it might be a thing."
"Yes, we have love interests, but Iron Man and the Hulk do not. Ergo, no issue. Anyway, I installed a piston in the Hulk-do to do the fucking, seemed more efficient that way. Once we get the Hulk off, I've got a collection device ready to go, and then we can compare his semen to yours and maybe grow some baby clones or some shit."
Bruce took a tentative sip of the throbbing neon rage juice. "Have you really thought this through? This seems like it might be a bad plan. And I'm not really sure that Hulk is that single. Him and Natasha--"
"That's fucked up. She's two-timing you with your internal rage monster." Tony leaned over the table, eyes glittering with insomnia and manic energy. "Does that make you--mad?"
It did, a little. Bruce ignored it, committed to not causing infinite property damage this week. "Tony, I think you need sleep. And to maybe talk to Pepper and take some kind of--like, uh--pills. Or something. Pot, maybe."
Tony fisted his hand in a sheet draped over a large object of mysterious origin, and tore it away. "I give to you the Hulk-do!"
Bruce slammed back the rage juice and then nearly choked to death on it, his mind gone absolutely blank. The Hulk-do was surely out of proportion. Tony must have been off by at least one order of magnitude in his measurements, because there was no way that thing could fit into any beast short of a blue whale. Bruce tactfully didn't mention this, afraid that Tony would start looking up the anal dimensions of whales again. "That's nice, I have to go now."
"You drank the rage-juice, though," Tony said, climbing on top of the massive suit and sliding into it feet first. The Hulk-do stood out from the front like a fifth limb, long enough that if one of the suit's legs broke off, Tony could prop it up on it. Thick enough that the suit could likely balance upon it alone. The shaft was ribbed and ridged and glowing with strange blue lights that Bruce didn't trust in the slightest.
"Rage juice?" Bruce asked, irritation beginning to grow inside him. "What the hell did you just give me?"
Tony buckled in, and Bruce heard the distinct sound of his unreasonably expensive ripped blue jeans unzipping. "Ahhhh...yeah, fits like a glove. Gave you rage juice to make you transform. In the shot glass."
"I thought it was whiskey!"
"It glowed neon green, what are you, stupid?"
Bruce. Was. Not. STUPID! And he was turning green. "This is bad. This is really bad."
"Come on, Big Boy! Papa want some Hulk Juice!" Tony cheered, sealing himself into his Hulk-do suit. "Let's rock, Green Guy!"
***
Bruce never remember what the Hulk had done. Perk or problem, he didn't know which. Changing back felt like waking up, but this time--something was wrong. Really wrong.
"Don't-change-back-don't-change-back-don't-change-back--" he heard Tony chanting, his voice tinny and clearly being projected through a speaker. "Oh shit, you're changing back."
"Tony?" Bruce asked, studying the ceiling with sleepy curiosity. Why was he in Tony's shop? His legs--actually everything from his ribs down felt subtly wrong. "What's wrong with me?"
"You're shrinking and also stuck on a three-foot wide dildo, but don't worry, I think I can fix this. On an unrelated note, when you said the Hulk wouldn't let you die, do you think that would include the Hulk not letting you be crippled for life? I need you to think on that answer, it's super important to deciding what we're going to be doing in the next ten minutes."
Tony must have taken those caffeine pills again, Bruce thought, closing his eyes. Gosh, he felt so stretched.