Chapter 12
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Bucky stood firm in front of the Captain with folded arms. Steve mirrored him and looked his soul mate in the eyes.
“About what exactly Bucky? What do I need t' talk about?"
“You! You're hurtin', Steve, and I'm not gonna stand here and let you suffer!"
The Captain shut down and looked at the floor, jaw clenched. You were starting to feel the effect of his strong emotions and clenched the edge of the counter.
“I don't want your pity I want t' be left alone," Steve growled, “G'night."
Steve moved to go back out the door, but Bucky blocked him.
“Us letting you be alone is why you're not talking in the first place, punk. Now sit down and talk!"
Bucky shoved him down in a dining table chair. The Captain immediately sprang back up so fast that the chair clattered to the ground and slammed his soul mate onto the table. He held up a bloodied fist, eyes devoid of all emotion, and you jumped off the counter to get between them, but the look, Bucky, gave you made you stay back.
It was a concerned and slightly fearful expression Steve was either blocking him out or his thoughts were worse than you knew. After a second, Steve, snapped out of whatever rage had taken over him and lowered his hand with a terrified look on his face. His eyes went wide and years away as let go of his best friend.
“I-I-I'm sorry," the Captain whispered, “I'm so sorry, baby girl..."
Bucky came to stand by you while, Steve, sunk down into another chair, staring at his beat up hands. You did a once over of, Bucky, who looked pretty shaken. That got you worried. It's hard to frighten an assassin, especially the Winter Solider.
“I'm fine, doll. I-I just haven't seen him like that in a- ever."
“James, what are you two hiding from me?"
Bucky started to stutter and you were about to get really angry until you heard the most pathetic noise from behind.
You turned and, Steve's elbows were propped up on the table, his hands buried in the back of his blond hair. He was shaking in now silent tears. You looked at, Bucky, for answer, but he was too busy holding back his own sadness.
You swallowed hard and steeled yourself before walking up to the broken down first supersoldier. You put a hand on his shoulder and bent down to look him in the eyes.
“I'm sorry," you whispered, “I was out of line with you earlier and I'm sorry, but don't be mad at Bucky, please? He just wants t-."
“What? Help? THERE IS NO HELP FOR ME!"
The Captain slammed his hands down on the table to glare at you before he caught himself and broke eye contact. Bucky came to sit on his right and put a hand on his shoulder with an expression of great worry. You hugged, Steve, from behind. Finally, he took a letter out of his jacket. Bucky took it and you sat down in his lap so you could read it too. Everything the Major did was spelled out. Finally, Steve, spoke in a tiny voice, wiping tears from his swollen face and talked more to, Bucky, than you.
“I couldn't get right again. W-whatever HYDRA did to me...the team had to cage me up. Li thought she was to blame so s-s-she took our memories of her and left because she thought it would make things better."
Steve started crying harder because, it did. It did make him all better, according to the letter. You looked over at, Bucky, who was still staring at his soul mate.
“Tell, (Y/N), Steve, it's okay. She won't hate you. We all have our demons."
Your eyes softened as you listened to your supersoldier repeat the the words of support you gave him a few months into you joining the team. Steve swallowed hard and nodded.
“Li and I, w-we were going down fast. I-I knocked her up, but we both wanted to keep it so it was fine. But I banned her from going on missions while she was pregnant and she told me to go screw myself. We were constantly at each other's throats. It was driving us apart.
But just like I thought, s-she made a bad judgement call on a just us assignment. She was in trouble so I had to save her, but I wasn't f-fast enough. She got shot-w-w-we l-lost our b-b-baby...
I-I couldn't be near her! I nearly called off our engagement I was so mad! But I-I didn't stop to think about how she felt. I didn't even ask.... I just went to the Tower and left her alone in our private apartment in D.C.."
The Captain cursed and started shaking.
“S-she was suicidal even before she met me so I should've been watching her! But I didn't! Everyone was on vacation all month so they didn't know what happened and I never told them! I just said we were fine and that we just needed a break from each other.
I-I let my best gal just sit in that empty house for two months because I couldn't get my head out of my ass! Couldn't even be bothered to answer her when she begged me to come back home every day through our bond. After a few weeks, she stopped and our bond went cold. I knew something was wrong and I should've checked on her, but everyone except Tony and Bucky got called out and couldn't be in contact with anyone for a month. It gave me a lot of time to think about what a bastard I am."
“When I got back, the first place I was gonna go after debrief was to see her and beg her to take me back, but..."
Steve lost his composure again and you could feel your mutation feeding off the Captain's fragile state. You clutched your soul mate's hand. Eventually, Steve started again in broken words.
“I-I didn't know-s-sh-she-whatever she used on herself messed up her head, she refused t' believe that I was even real.
There was nothing I could do! She was too far gone! I went t' see her every day, but she just kept insistin' that I was a figment of her imagination along with everyone else! She was fully convinced that we abandoned her. Eventually, Tony, put her in the hospital wing permanently an' on constant supervision. Somehow HYDRA got wind of her being decommissioned from the Avengers an' used it t' their advantage.
I thought everyone accepted that we needed a break, but, Tony, told me everyone knew I was lying my ass off, but, didn't but didn't say anything because, Li, told them not t'. T-they never looked at me the same after, Li, almost...even, Nat, started talkin' t' me only when necessary, and I deserved every bit of it.
I got so disconnected from m' team that I never thought t' ask-s-she would've been on assignment with me an' not in the hospital if I-they wouldn't been able t' make it seem like they took her! I would've never had a reason t' go t' that base!"
Steve took deep breaths to calm himself down so he could finish.
“They-they tricked me... I had just come back from another mission an' there was HYDRA video footage of m' best gal bein' tortured an' threats t' kill her if I didn't get there fast enough. No one was home 'cept, Tony, but m' dumbass didn't even-!
I-I wasn't thinkin' clearly! Li wouldn't've let herself get captured without a fight! B-b-but I thought they had m' baby girl, an-an-an' I promised her I would always come for her! So I did an' of course she wasn't there!"
Steve buried his face in his hands for a long time before continuing in a smaller voice.
“They sedated an' restrained me. I don't remember much of what they did t' me all I know is that it hurt more than I thought anythin' could at the time...
The only moment I clearly remember is when m' gal showed up t' save me. I don't even know how she knew! But she came for me an' I-I-I was the one that raised the alarm that she was there.
She fought back as best she could, but she was running on empty an' there were too many of them.
Her ex-husband, was the one 'training' me and made me watch- he made me watch him break her down in the worst ways possible until whatever they were doing to my mind made me enjoy hearing her scream for mercy. E-e-eventually, I-I wanted t' be the one... They let me free then. Free t' toy with my fiancee an' then kill her for embarrassin' HYDRA."
He looked at you two in panicked desperation.
“I-I love her more than anythin'! I didn't- please, please, believe me-!" he shouted, “I love her!"
“Steve! Steve, we know, pal," Bucky soothed, “We know just finish."
The blond nodded, not completely in the present if his paling skin and shifty eyes were anything to go by.
“T-they put her back to full power an' I was so happy. So happy that I would be able t' fight her at full strength, destroy 'the crown jewel', then the Asset, an' take my place as the best of the best.
B-but s-s-she didn't- she refused t' fight back! She jus' let me do terrible, awful things t' her! It wasn't any fun 'cause she wouldn't fight me back! Jus' tellin' me how much she loved me an' knew I was in there somewhere!"
“I jus' got angrier and angrier, but she still wouldn't defend herself. I-I-I-."
Steve got too overwhelmed for a minute and went silent, getting lost in his nightmares. He started glowing the dark purple sign of life force draining that your mutation brings to those unfortunate enough to be upset around you. The victim never notices, they're too caught up in their misery, but you heard Bucky's sharp intake of breath and squeeze on your side. Eventually, the Captain shook his head, the light of life slowly draining from his eyes.
“I don't know how long they let me be in that room with her. Just that one moment I was about t' snap her neck an' the next the Hulk grabbed me an' knocked me out.
I woke up strapped to a bed an' she was layin' next t' me. My head hurt somethin' fierce an' I couldn't remember how I ended up there or who the beautiful woman beside me was.
I asked her who she was an' how she got all her injuries. She just looked at me an' said someone she loved very much got out of control an' she was standin' too close. I told her t' tell me who they were an' I would make sure never they hurt her again.
She just undid m' restraints an' started cryin' an' hugged me like I was some kinda hero t' her, which just made me feel worse. She was so familiar! Why couldn't I remember her?! Eventually, she sat up, kissed me between the eyebrows like always, an' apologized for what she had t' do.
T-the last thing I remember before she disappeared from my mind was telling her t' come back sometime an' s-she said 'D-don't I always?'
That's when I remembered m' best gal just t' forget her again! We always did that before every solo mission! An' she kept her promise! She still came back t' me for this this one!
I got a second chance at saving her an' I still fucked it up 'cause I couldn't be bothered t' ask her about why she kept listenin' t' that sick bastard of an ex-husband! I killed her 'cause I didn't want t' deal with the heavy stuff between us!"
Steve started crying again, gasping for air with every inhale and, Bucky, hugged him. Steve broke down in Bucky's arms grief and shame and anger. His soul was almost yours! All-
Bucky quickly let go of his platonic soul mate, turned you around, and held you tight. To, Steve, it just looked like he was comforting you, but you knew this was warning number two to control yourself.
You forced your mutation to stop by matching your breathing with Bucky's and focusing on the slightest spark of happiness, Steve, had that you couldn't quite place the source of. The purple glow disappeared somewhat and, Steve, started breathing a little easier. Bucky sighed in relief and ran a hand up and down your back with a silent thanks.
“Steve," Bucky said, “It's like you told me, you were being controlled half the time."
“Yeah?" Steve sniffed, “Is that supposed t' make me feel better? I-I still did it! Please just leave me alone..."
“And let you continue to drown? That's not happening, Steve," you said firmly, “Come on to my room. We're snuggling all three of us."