Bad Days
It wasn't that Regulus was purposefully avoiding Sirius or anything. He was just…making sure to go different ways from him in the corridor and spending all of his free time in the dormitory or room of requirement where he couldn’t be found, and leaving the great hall early when he knew Sirius was still distracted by his friends.
Fine, he was avoiding him.
There was a good reason for it though, not that Sirius would accept it. Regulus had received a letter from home only a week before and was desperately trying to avoid another. He was painfully aware of how little time there was before the easter break and was only hoping to minimise his impending punishment.
Regulus Arcturus Black. It had begun, no dear or to- lacking any form of pleasantries or niceties. But then again, their parents were rather the antithesis of pleasant.
We have heard word from a source within the castle of a most disappointing matter. Your father and I expected better of you, than to parley with your blood traitor brother. He is, may you be reminded, a traitor to our family, and a betrayer of our cause and kind. To speak to him, in any manner, is to dishonour our family name.
You are the sole heir to the House of Black and this behaviour will not continue, I will not stand for it. If your fractious attitude persists, expect to be recalled from the school immediately. Do not think we do not have other, more suitable options awaiting you. If I hear any whisper of any further conference with your brother, then you are to be treated as much of a traitor as he.
I expect you to return home for the holiday, and consolidate your demeanour most intently, and desire no excuses for your remain at the school. If you do not return as arranged, then we will simply have Kreacher collect you.
Your punishment awaits you at home.
Walpurga Black
She couldn’t even write Sirius’ name.
That’s what struck Regulus the most. Less than a year since he had run, since he had left him, and it was almost as if he had never existed. Maybe it would be easier if he hadn’t. A despicable thought Regulus was aware, but then, those seemed to be all too prevalent at the present. And then- Maybe it would be easier if I hadn’t existed. A thought equally unsettling, but much easier to swallow.
After that came the fear.
The insistent, unrelenting fear that depleted him, leaving him weary and drained- bags settling comfortably under his eyes. The terror stemmed not from the knowledge of being discovered in the act of talking to his own brother. Not even the initial response to it. But the recognition of what were to happen if it occurred again.
Recalled from the school immediately.
Regulus knew better than to call it a bluff. She had meant exactly what she had said. If seen with his brother again, Regulus would never return to Hogwarts. Never see his friends ever again. Never see Sirius, the brother he loved more than he ever had himself, again. Never see James again.
James.
He couldn’t let that happen.
He wouldn’t.
Last came the muted apprehension of what was to come when he returned home for the holidays.
Your punishment awaits you at home.
He knew what that meant.
He had seen it happen to Sirius many a time. He had felt it first happen over the last year too many times. Because of course, after one child runs, what better way to deal with your frustration and anger than to take it out on your remaining one. At least that was a problem for him alone, not to share with anyone else. Therefore it was the least prevalent in his mind.
It was for those reasons he was avoiding his brother.
The issue was that Sirius didn’t quite seem to be getting the hint.
‘Reggie,’ he hissed after reaching out and grabbing his wrist upon ambushing him in a corridor. Regulus unfortunately had no choice but to take this route, as he knew of no alternative, and was already regretting not just skipping lunch.
‘Reggie, I know you’re avoiding me.’ The rest of his group, the so called “Marauders” were trailing behind, looks of unease plastered on their faces (they knew how the Black Brothers could be). Figuratively, Regulus sneaked a glance at James, who was hovering a few paces back, his individual concern
In an effort to evade his brother, Regulus had forced himself to distance from James too. It wasn’t fun, closer to torture really, but it was necessary. If he ever wanted to see him again that was.
‘I’m not,’ he denied, tugging away from his brother and spinning on his heels to march down the corridor.
Sirius was having none of it, ‘Yes you are, why are you avoiding me, talk to me dammit’
Feeling his heart climb to his throat in dread, Regulus snapped back, ‘Fine, I am. Happy?’
‘No, not even a little bit.’
‘Well shocker, neither am I- now leave me alone Sirius.’
Again Sirius denied his request and Regulus glanced around the corridor in panic. There were only a couple others there with them. A young hufflepuff girl who was humming a tune as she skipped down the hallway- no. Two seventh year Ravenclaws carrying huge stacks of books accompanied by a Gryffindor and a younger Syltherin- probably not. A fourth year Gryffindor blabbing about something he learnt in herbology (by the sounds of it) to his friend who was simply watching with a distracted smile- definitely not. And then there:
At the end of the corridor, his nose seemingly stuck in a book, a Slytherin, who Regulus knew for a fact to be in the year above, that he was pretty sure was from the Parkinson’s family.
Shit.
Because he wasn’t reading, was he. In fact Regulus was certain that the book was upside down.
He was listening and watching as Regulus spoke to his brother again only days after being warned clearly not to do exactly that.
He felt a sinking feeling in his gut and knew, just knew that his parents would hear of this.
He would be lucky to spend another day at Hogwarts.
It wasn’t really Sirius’ fault, but as he stood there wounded and raw, his eyes blinking shut as he acknowledged what lay ahead, it couldn’t help but feel a bit like it.
‘Laissez-moi tranquille.’ He repeated, his voice devoid of emotion, ‘J'ai besoin que tu me laisses tranquille.’
‘Reg–’
‘Sirius, go!’ he cried, voice mangled in pain, ‘Je ne peux pas..Je– ils m'ont fait...laisse-moi tranquille. S'il vous plaît’
Why couldn’t Sirius just do as he was asked? Why couldn’t he just allow Regulus to be selfish just this once.
He didn’t want to leave.
He didn’t want to go back.
‘Regulus, what’s happened?’ Of course Sirius was coming closer, their parents weren’t even here. There was no point in being disobedient. So why, why,why?
‘Je suis désolé, J– Je t’aime,’ he choked out. He had to leave, he had to go.
Sirius grasped his sleeves, trying to get a read on his expression. He wouldn’t let him see. He couldn’t show him how fractured he had become, ‘Je t'aime aussi mais–’
Why couldn’t Sirius just leave? He had done it before had he not, even when Regulus had begged him to stay.
‘Fine, don’t go,’ Regulus pulled out his wand, hands shaking, wiping his face blank, ‘I will. If you follow me I’ll hex you- and that counts for your friends too,’ he sneered the word, hating how his voice sounded, hating who he sounded like.
It seemed it would have to be Regulus walking away this time.
. . . .
It was often said that to separate one brother from another, is to split the soul in half. Is to tear it, messily and ruthlessly in two, leaving a wasteland in its wake. If that was true then Regulus’ soul was in pieces.
Once before had his brother been robbed from him, his soul sliced in half, so deftly he wasn’t even given the chance to bleed- the chance to mourn.
Regulus mourned now.
Because once again he was to be taken from his brother, only this time it would be him dragged away, stolen from the safety that lay with him and snatched into the vulnerability beyond.
He could mourn because he already knew what was to happen, wouldn’t have it spring out on him when he didn’t get the opportunity to say goodbye. He had, in his own way, said goodbye. Had told Sirius he loved him. He needed him to know that. So he had told him in case…well in case he never got to say it again.
He bled too.
Tears leaking out the corner of his eyes, lips on the verge of releasing a sob as he bled and he bled and he bled.
Gods, it hurt.
It hurt so damn much that Regulus wasn’t even sure what to do with the pain. Because oh, under a curse or a knife he could scream and he could cry but this– this there was nothing. Only the lasting agony, that couldn’t possibly ever leave.
It was fair, he thought weakly.
What did he do to deserve this? He– he may not have been good, but was he really so bad? Was this just life's way of paying him back? If this was just karma coming into play, then why wasn’t it just him in pain?
Sirius didn’t deserve this, he had done nothing to deserve this– so why did it happen to him too?
And oh James.
He didn’t deserve this. He could live a thousand lifetimes and still never deserve this. Because no matter what, he was just so inherently good that if karma was at fault then he would live a life free of tribulations.
Regulus wasn’t self-centred enough to think that this would ruin James, but he knew it would sting. Because James cared. He always cared.
Cared so much that it made Regulus burn and burn at the thought of leaving him.
Oh, his heart ached too.
Because if to leave Sirius split his soul; To leave James severed his heart.
All he was left with was the ragged and ruined rubble that he couldn’t quite piece back together.
. . . .
By the time he made it back to the dorm his hands were shaking.
He hadn’t gone to lunch, couldn’t face the thought of seeing those people when he was so obviously exposed.
Instead he got to the dorm and just…broke down.
That stupid sob finally escaped his lips and he collapsed onto the floor not able to breath, not able to think, just to cry.
He was never going to come back, oh gods, he was never going to come back.
Pandora found him twenty minutes later, still sobbing and struggling to get oxygen into his lungs.
‘Regulus! You never came to lunch what happ—,’ she cut herself off upon seeing his dire state, ‘Oh my god Regulus are you ok?’
He couldn’t reply, only took deep heaving breaths and listened to the gasp in his own voice.
She fell to the floor beside him and slowly reached out to touch his arm, knowing that sometimes he couldn’t deal with the contact. Upon a frantic nod of the head she breathed a sigh of relief and snaked her arms around him. ‘Breathe ok Reggie, I need you to breathe– it’s ok.’
It took minutes of her gentle reasural and a herculean effort on his part, but soon he was able to breathe freely and felt a shaky sigh rattle through him as his thoughts finally collected into some semblance of a mind.
They sat there in silence for a moment before Pandora pulled back and took a critical look at him, ‘Reg I know you are not going to want to answer this, but I need to know what happened love. Now that doesn’t need to be straight away, but I think it's important you tell me ok?’
From some, this would sound patronising, but from her, he knew it to be genuine and huffed in a reply. ‘What so you can find out who’s responsible and kill them?’
Pandora tilted her head, ‘That would be the course of action I suppose, yes.’
Despite the circumstances Regulus snorted and looked up at his friend fondly, ‘Thanks Dora,’ he saw her protest and continued, ‘No I mean it, you really helped me there.’
She huffed in indignation, ‘You don’t shouldn’t have to thank me Reg. It’s what a friend does.’
‘That doesn’t mean all friends would do it.’
She couldn’t seem to argue with that, and simply sat with him in silence for a moment before he broke (something that didn’t take very long when it came to Pandora). Extracting the letter from his robe- which he had been carrying round as a reminder not to slip up or break, which he had done– he passed it to her and waited for her to read, not needing to speak for her to understand what he wanted.
As her eyes scanned the parchment, the frown on Pandora’s face quickly grew and her expression darkened. ‘Reg-’ she said, upon finishing, her voice coming out as a whisper.
‘It’s fine,’ he assured.
It wasn’t fine.
‘It’s not fine Regulus, this is inhumane, these are supposed to be your parents and they acting lik–’
He cut across, not wanting to hear what she was going to say, he already knew, ‘I’m aware Pandora, you don’t have to tell me,’ his voice sharp and barbed.
Her expression softened, ‘I know I’m sorry Reg. But surely they can’t actually recall you from the school. I mean you’ve got a life built here.’
‘They can, actually.’
Which was true. Technically parents could take their child home from Hogwarts at any point without a truly valid reason. They had the right to, of course. Most parents wouldn’t though, wanting their child to have some semblance of freedom and choice.
But to the Blacks, children were never children. Merely ornaments to show off, paintings to display. Live belongings that were to be strictly punished if they showed any sign of disobedience- if they dared to think for themselves. Where Sirius had been an untrained dog, an insubordinate heir that wouldn’t be moulded to their ways and was to therefore, be hidden in the darkest corner of their veiled gallery. Regulus was the opposite. He was their prized possession, their magnum opus that melded perfectly with their polished facade.
He wished to be that no longer.
‘Oh Regulus, that's awful love. I truly think they are despicable. If it helps, I really would kill them if I could.’
He gave a weak smile, ‘It does I suppose.’
‘I guess that you’ll just have to be really careful from now on in. And if you are spotted, then–’
‘Dora.’
Regulus’ interruption and the silence that followed said it all. She knew exactly what it meant- for him, for all of them- and her face crumpled the instant reality struck.
‘No no no, you were spotted?’
‘Sirius came up to me today demanding to know why I was ignoring him,’ Regulus attempted a wry smile, but it came out sort of crushed and fragile instead, ‘I couldn’t get him to go away. Someone from 7th year Slytherin spotted. I think they’re a Parkinson.’
‘Oh Regulus. I can’t even— what are you going to do?’ Pandora’s voice was shaking with emotion. He supposed this was fairly sad for her, they had been friends for around six years now after all. He knew he was going to miss her. She was his sister after all.
‘What can I do?’
‘Well you never know, maybe they didn’t tell anyone, maybe you were mistaken’ (he wasn’t) ‘and they weren’t a Parkinson’ (they were) ‘Your parents could have been making an empty threat,’ (they weren’t) ,’maybe, maybe–’
‘Pandora.’
‘Regulus, I can’t lose you none of us can.’
‘You don’t have a choice,’ he replied softly.
Pandora’s face hardened and she shook her head, ‘No we do have a choice, and so do you. I’m not saying it is an easy one, and you certainly don’t have to choose it– but just please.. consider it at least ok?’
‘What?’
‘The Potters.’
Immediately he shook his head- ‘No.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because they won’t want me there,’ she opened her mouth to argue, but he held his and out and signalled that he let her finish, ‘and even if they did, even if by some miracle Sirius and James and Mr and Mrs Potter all were happy with me there- my parents would never allow it. They only let Sirus go because they still had me, because they had the spare. If I go they have no heir…..They wouldn't stand for it.’
Pandora stared at him, eyes calculating, ‘Is that why you didn’t go with him?’
Yes.
‘No. I didn't go with him because he didn’t ask me to go with him.’
‘Would you have gone if he had asked?’
Yes. No. Regulus honestly didn’t know the answer to that question because it had never happened. Sirius had run without asking him to go with him and that was that. Regulus didn’t blame him- he had at first though- the house they were brought up in was truly unlivable, and how could he fault his brother for running when he had the chance.
Would Regulus have gone? Because he wanted to, he had wanted to for years now. But he neve really got the opportunity to do the things he wanted did he? If he had gone with Sirius, their parents would have dragged them back. The Black family couldn’t be without an heir now could it. Then none of them would have escaped. Better one than none. How could he have run when it would have dammed his brother too. So no, perhaps even given the opportunity, he wouldn’t have run.
He voiced none of this however and simply replied, ‘I don't know Pandora.’
She seemed to accept the answer and nodded, ‘I just want you to know that you have the option Reggie. If anything, and I mean anything, happens then the Potters would welcome you with open arms. Worst comes to worst you can stay with me, you know my mother adores you.’
Regulus swallowed.
‘I’ll think about it.’
‘Please. Now do you want me to go grab you some lunch from the kitchen.’
‘I’m okay, don't worry about it.’
But worry she did, as she glanced at him with palpable concern, ‘Reg–’
‘I’m fine,’ he assured, albeit not entirely in a convincing manner, ‘I’m likely to be gone in a week anyway so it really doesn’t matter.’
‘Reg–’
A sudden thought besieged him and he interrupted, ‘Can you not tell anyone, please. I just don’t want them to worry- or knowing them, get angry and do something irreparably stupid, i.e attempt to murder my parents.’
She paused, before reluctantly conceding ‘Fine, but really Reg I meant what I said.’
‘I know.’
. . . .
No word came.
Not a hint or a whisper that his parents had heard of his disobedience.
And yet, Regulus knew. Knew that they had, he could feel it. A cold snake slithering up his spine setting him constantly on edge. Was it worse that they knew and had done nothing? Or would it have been more so if they had recalled him, like promised? Was it simply a way of keeping him on edge until they could punish him suitably? Or a stinging reminder of their neglectance- that they simply didn’t care, he was not worthy of their attention.?
Uncertainty plagued him. Crept in his mind, an insistent shadow, inching into every thought, every moment until he was occupied by little else. To banish it, would be to banish his brain from his head or his heart from his chest or his soul from his body. Not impossible, but not really possible either.
Instead, he settled for a malignant path of ignorance- in which he lingered in the shadows, inescapable as they were, but denied the acknowledgement of their presence. That way it was possible to focus on other priorities. For example, the upcoming match.
The Sytherin vs Ravenclaw match was the second to last match of the year and tensions leading up to it were pretty high.
Frankly, Regulus wasn’t all that concerned. This sounded arrogant, he was aware, but so far Ravenclaw’s team was the weakest in the competition. They definitely had some good players, but overall their dynamic just…wasn’t quite good enough. Consequently, they were lowest on the leaderboard so far. The standing currently read: Gryffindor (no surprise there with James as captain), Hufflepuff (their team this year was pretty ferocious competition), Slytherin (lower down mostly due to the fact they had only competed in one game so far), and of course Ravenclaw. Therefore there was a high likelihood of them winning the match.
That didn’t mean Regulus was going to go about it rashly, and he made sure that his team trained hard the week leading up to the game. The night before, he did his normal routine, and the morning of, he got up early to do stretches. And of course he ate a good sized breakfast to give him a boost of energy (as if the adrenaline wasn’t enough to thrive on).
Upon entering the hall, his eyes had immediately sought out James' (typical) and found the gesture unsurprisingly returned. Knowing that Regulus didn’t wish to be distracted by messages or jokes, the other boy simply gave him a subtle (not really) thumbs up and turned back to his friends.
They hadn’t talked in person since the argument in the hall. Regulus continued to distance himself in the insistent fear that James would get dragged into this too. He refused to let that happen. So..distance.
He found he enjoyed this very little, in fact not at all. It was really much more difficult than he had imagined it to be, and was rather ashamed by his obvious dependence on the other boy. Perhap after the match he would allow himself a moment to talk to him, a reward of you will. Regulus was pathetically desperate for just a minute of his time, it was pitiful really. It was almost as if he was addicted. Too much time away from James and he was suffering withdrawal symptoms. What was wrong with him?
Slumping himself down on the bench next to Dorcas, he voiced the last statement outloud, ‘Urgh, What is wrong with me?’
She gave him an unsympathetic grin, ‘I assume this has something to do with sunshine boy.’
He glared at them, ‘Why is that your immediate assumption. I have an endless list of woes, and he is just one of them.’ Even more than you know, he thought. Regulus had made Pandora promise (on her belief of wrackspurts- god only knew what they were- of all things) that she wouldn’t tell a soul of the letter he had received, nor of the consequent breakdown. He didn’t want to worry them. (Reg they should be worried, they’re your friends- Pandora had said, much to his discontentment). They had no idea that any conversation with him could be their last, cruel he knew, but it stopped them from walking on eggshells around him. He refused to be treated like glass.
‘Because Reg,’ Dorcas replied in a tone that indicated her answer was obvious, ‘Nothing riles you up like James. If you are having a problem, 9 times out of 10 it’s about, or linked to in some way, him.’
She had a point. Regulus narrowed his eyes at her and simply turned to the other side of him where Evan and Barty were having some sort of petty dispute, which he was sure boiled down to Evan wanting Barty to be careful on the quidditch pitch but refusing to admit it.
Sighing he turned back to Dorcas who was smirking triumphantly.
Pandora chose this moment, extraordinarily unhelpfully on her part, to flounce over and swoop down to kiss the top of Regulus head, causing him to wrinkle his nose at the unnecessary affection. ‘Hey Reg, just popping over to say good luck, I promised I wouldn't to Emmeline, considering technically you're our rivals at the moment but I really don’t think it matters. Oh and I almost forgot- you’ve given it some time already so you don’t have that excuse, you can’t keep avoiding James. He looks so sad when you don’t pay attention to him, and he isn’t as pretty when he’s sad.’
‘Pandora!’ Regulus hissed.
‘What– oh Emmeline’s seen me I’ve got to go, good luck Reggie!’ And with that she sweeped back off, leaving a (still) smirking Dorcas, a bickering Barty and Evan, and Regulus who was on the brink of despair.
I hate my friends, he thought.
He didn’t really though, not all of the time. Just most of it.
. . . .
They won the match within 30 minutes.
It wasn’t by a large margin, simply because they weren’t given much of an opportunity to actually score within that time, but it was an easy win nonetheless. Regulus had caught the snitch without any complication or difficulty, and the game had come to a swift, clear resolution.
In fact it had been a little too easy.
Boring almost.
Nonetheless, the after party was suitably riotous and chaotic and quickly descended into absolute chaos. Regulus himself decided not to get drunk, though helped himself to a glass or two of whatever they were serving (he wasn’t sure he actually wanted to know what was in the punch).
Pandora hadn’t bothered trying to sneak in– members of other houses always got through the doors anyway– though some casted her some odd looks, as it was her house that had lost in a game to Slytherin. Their little group managed to steal a sofa for themselves as the room got fuller and fuller, and Regulus ended up with Pandora one one side and Dorcas on the other– Evan and Barty slumped on the ground leaning back on their legs trading what could easily be mistaken as insults but Regulus knew to be some sort of sadistic flirting.
Sirius hadn’t crashed the party, which was a relief. It was. Too many people would see them, and they wouldn’t be talking anyway. So why did it make him feel abandoned? He was the one who had pushed Sirius away, and for a good reason too. Yet it was still ridiculously disheartening.
‘Regulus,’ Dorcas slurred, being much more drunk than he, ‘Regulus would you like– like me?’
‘What?’ He spat out, a little caught off guard by the question.
‘If you, you know, didn't like,’ they leaned in with a hushed whisper, ‘guys, would you like me, or like think I was– pretty.’
‘I think you are very pretty, Dorcas,’ the small amount of alcohol freeing the words from his lips easier than they would ordinarily, ‘I can’t answer the other one though. I don’t like you- like that- so..I don’t really know.’
‘Oh.’
She seemed put out by this, their lips pouting a little in disappointment, so he asked, ‘Why do you want to know Cas?’
They paused for a moment, ‘I- I just, well I want to know if it's possible for someone to like me I guess.’
‘Is this a general someone or a specific someone.’
‘Um a specific someone, maybe.’
‘A Blonde, Gryffindor, Quidditch playing someone maybe?’
She spluttered at him, her face a picture of indignation, ‘How did you know? Am I that obvious?’
‘Dorcas, you stare at her everytime she is within a hundred metres of you, you’ll go early to quidditch practice just to see her fly- and I know you say thats its for me to see James but we both know that's not true, she’s the epitome of your type, yes its fucking obvious.’
‘Oh.’ They repeated.
‘Yes oh.’
‘Fuck do you think she knows,’ she hissed in panic.
‘Oi, who are we talking about?’ Barty interrupted with his usual lack of tact, him and Evan apparently having exhausted the list of insults they had been steadily launching at each other– that or they were just nosy little shits who didn’t understand the concept of privacy. Either could be likely.
‘Dorcas’ little crush.’ Regulus explained at the same time as they hurriedly said, ‘No one.’
Disregarding the latter statement Evan started in delight, ‘Oh Mckinnon. She is quite pretty isn’t she.’
‘It's more than that Evan,’ Dorcas sighed, slumping back on the sofa. ‘She’s just so, you know.’
‘Not really, enlighten us.’
‘Well for one she’s got a really really nice smile, I like nice smiles, and then well- don’t make fun of me, I know you will– but, but I just, it’s her hair, I love her hair. Also they way she tries to act all cool but really is just a sweetheart, and I know this because she once spent an entire week walking a first year to her classes because she kept getting lost and was really stressed– even though it meant she got a whole bunch of detentions for being late. Oh and she’s really smart too, especially in defence, and charms it just make me so erhh I can’t. Oh and she is very pretty, so very pretty. Do you think she thinks I’m pretty?’ As she spoke, they waved their hands about in a series of random motions and her face grew into a dopey smile.
‘Damn Meadows, you’ve got it down bad.’ Barty teased.
Whacking him over the head Pandora assured, ‘I’m sure she does find you pretty Cas, you are a very pretty girl. And as someone who likes pretty girls she most certainly should like you.’
‘Are we sure she likes pretty girls, or just girls for that matter?’ Asked Evan.
Pandora nodded, ‘Yes, we saw her snog Emmeline last year remember– they're just friends now though. She might like guys as well, but she definitely likes pretty girls.’
‘But do we know that she likes me,’ Dorcas bemoaned.
‘She watches you.’
‘That's not the same thing Dora.’
‘No but–’
Regulus started to zone out on the conversation, eyes tracking the room for a particular individual. It took him a moment, but there, sat in the back corner, was the boy. Callan Parkinson. He was talking with some friends, Avery and Mucilber, but as if he noticed Regulus' gaze on him he glanced up and smirked.
Shit.
Dropping his stare, Regulus looked at the floor.
Suddenly the party didn’t seem all that enjoyable, and the noise began to buzz in his ears. Mumbling some sort of excuse that had his friends turn to him with visible concern he stood up and made his way over to the dorm rooms– head held high. But as he turned back to the other boy, and saw his eyes still on him with a look of visible victory, he felt himself crumple inwards a little bit, and rushed for the safety of his room.
The three weeks until the holidays now seemed much too short, and the shadows curled inwards as he thought of the prospect of what was to come.
. . . .
It took him a week to cave in and seek out James.
It was a stupid, stupid thing to do that would only cause him more pain when he invariably had to not see him for the following two weeks of holiday and perhaps forever, if his parents acted upon their threats.
It was just…he missed him.
He missed him, and he was a weak, weak man.
So he followed the group from the great hall one day, a couple dozen metres behind, and waited till James separated off from the others (something to do with scouting an area out for a prank- which made Regulus involuntarily roll his eyes) before ambushing him. Maybe ambush was a bit of a strong word, but then he did grab his arm and yank him into a closet– so it was fairly accurate.
‘Reg?’
Why did James have to be so pretty? It wasn’t fair, Regulus thought. It made it so hard to concentrate. Like, he had planned out exactly what he was going to say- precisely- and now it had just…gone. Realising he was going to get nowhere with this he groaned and tugged the other boy down to kiss him.
And Merlin, he had missed this.The way their bodies melded perfectly together, lips merging into one. The sparks that flew between them, lighting him up in a way that nothing else could. James’ hands on his back, in his hair, on his neck. The slide of their tongues and the brush of their teeth. Oh, he was done for now. There was absolutely no way he could even attempt to avoid him after this, not when it was so perfect. So so perfect.
Regrettably, James pulled back after only moments.
Regulus missed him already.
‘Reg? What’s going on love?’ His face a picture of confusion and concern.
‘Nothing,’ he lied in return, and dived back in for another kiss, because how could he not.
Unfortunately, James saw through his thinly veiled deception and dress back- eyebrows knotted, head tilted in worry. ‘I don’t believe you.’
‘Are you calling me a liar?’
‘I’m calling you someone who would rather bottle up whatever is going on until it destroys him from the inside, than tell someone who cares, not wanting to worry them. And more importantly, not wanting them to think him weak. You’re not weak love.’
Shit. When did he allow James to get this close to him that he could read him like an open book- even though he was anything but that. It had taken him years for his friends to know him that well. James had accomplished it in months. Always the overachiever wasn’t he.
Unable to deny Regulus simply dropped back against the wall of the cupboard and glared. He was quite good at those. James however, seemed unaffected– and simply leant in to reclaim the stolen space.
‘You can talk to me Regulus. You don’t have to. But it's an option. I need you to know that it's an option.’
Silence stretched between them, warping the moment until it felt like they had been looking at one another for hours.
‘It’s my parents.’
The other boy's face darkened.
Regulus hadn’t been sure to what extent Sirius had shared his experiences with Walburga and Orion, but he could garner from James’ reaction that he knew enough. Enough to know from those three words the gravity of the situation.
‘What have they done?’ His tone was deep and harsh, perhaps a little harsher than he meant it to be, and well, despite himself Regulus felt a little weak in the knees in response.
‘Nothing yet.’
‘But they plan too.’
It wasn’t a question. James already knew.
‘Yes.’
‘Why?’ His voice was strained, worried, ‘What have you done that’s made them mad– you've done everything they’ve asked.’
‘Um well about that, I err haven’t.’
‘What?’
‘They um, asked me to stop talking to Sirius.’
‘Oh.’ James' voice went soft, understanding, too understanding.
‘I did try, but Sirius,’ Regulus couldn’t help himself biting down on the word, fighting that resentment that didn’t belong, ‘he er didn’t stay away from me. That’s why– that’s why in the corridor I was trying to avoid him, but uh… it was too late.’
‘Too late?’
‘They know.’
‘Wha-’ the other boy's voice stuttered out, possibly through fear, ‘ what are they going to do?’
‘They said they would take me out of school.’
‘WHAT!’
Regulus looked over to see James' face had crumpled, his usual bronze skin turned and ashen white. He couldn’t help but reach out to touch his cheek, an attempt to comfort. Even when the anguish was his fault- it was all his fault. However he was shocked to see the other boy flinch back from him, eyes filling with tears.
‘They’re going to take you out of school,’ he whispered, disbelieving.
‘I– well they said they would, but they haven't done anything yet, probably waiting until the Easter holidays to maximise the impact– but at least I’ll have the time to say goodbye,’ Regulus replied, schooling his face carefully into nonchalance. He couldn’t make this worse.
Somehow it did.
‘Reg.’
‘It’s fine, really.’
‘No.’ James denied.
‘No?’
‘No.’
‘No you’re not leaving, you can’t. You– you’ve got friends here, Sirius is here. I’m here.’ The last part was quiet. So quiet Regulus almost didn’t hear– but he did. He did and oh James couldn’t just say stuff like that, it made it all so much harder. ‘You can’t, I won’t let you.’
Regulus’ face turned cold and icy, an involuntary movement that he couldn’t quite help, ‘You won’t let me,’ his voice empty.
‘Reg.’
‘Let me make this clear to you James. You don’t let me do anything. No onedoes.’
‘They do.’
The words seemed to slip out James' mouth before he had the chance to think them through, to stop them and the instant regret was evident on his face.
They struck him nonetheless.
‘Yes. Because they are my parents James. The power that they hold over me is insurmountable. I do what they tell me to do because I have no other choice. I do not want their fucked up love, that is so twisted and convoluted that it can’t really be called love at all. I do not want their favour, which they only display when it is beneficial for them. I do not want to be their little project,’ he spat out the word, tone full of venom, ‘to exhibit and parade whenever they want. I DO NOT WANT TO BE THEIRS AT ALL.’ The truth came out warped and mangled, his voice too loud and his head too quiet. He hadn’t wanted it to come out either. But as said, when could he ever do what he wanted.
‘Regulus.’
He didn’t want to look at James, he didn’t want to see the pity that would reside on it.
‘I- I don’t have a choice James. If they decide to take me away, there is nothing I can do, nothing but enjoy the final moments I have…here.’
‘I hate them,’ It came out as a whisper, and finally, finally Regulus looked up to see not pity, but anger, anger and heartbreak stretching across James’ face, ‘They- they can’t do this to you.’
‘They can.’
‘I know.’
Startlingly James let out a choked sob and grabbed for him in a desperate motion, pulling Regulus towards him into a hug. It was warm and it was soft and it was the complete antithesis to everything Regulus was feeling. It was like coming home.
‘I don’t want you to leave Reg, I don’t want to let you go.’
The admission was not one that he had been expecting but it was spoken with such sincerity and unbashful honesty that Regulus knew he would never forget the words. He clung onto James like he was a plank of driftwood in a stormy ocean. How long would it be before the current snatched him away and Regulus was left to drown.
‘Prongs? Where the fuck have you gone?’
And just like that, the spell was broken as the sound of his brother's voice reverberated down the corridor and Regulus slipped out of James’ hold.
‘You should go.’
James glanced at him, face scrunched in worry, eyes a little red and cheeks tear stained. ‘I know. I will I just–’
‘James?’ The voice got closer.
The other boy swallowed and grasped at Regulus hand, which had already gone cold in the time parted from him. Regulus didn’t want him to ever let go.
We'll talk yeah? We’ll see each other before….before the holiday,’ the words unsaid echoed in his mind again and again, ‘You can,’ James seemed to pause for a moment, considering his words, ‘You know that you have the option. If you need, or just want. If you can, you..well.’
‘What option?’
‘Me. I- I mean, my home, you can always come and live with me- us. Sirius would be happy, an- and I don’t mean you should just do something because it would make Sirius happy, but it would make me happy too. Um, well I mean it’s your choice, but my parents would be fine about it.. I think they would love you actually- not that it should… You know what, I'm just going to stop talking.’
Home.
That was the word James used.
Not house but home.
Grimmauld Place wasn’t Regulus’ home. It never had been. He supposed Sirius had been his home for a while, but it was hard to be at home with someone who wasn’t there. No. James was his home. His person. Wasn’t that what a home was. Somewhere where you felt wholly yourself and at peace. He had only truly felt that way with James. Maybe following him, even if it meant leaving his house and family, wouldn’t be all that bad. It would just be going home.
‘Reg.’ And that was when he realised he had been silent for too long, leaving James having, ‘You– you don’t have to. I just–’
‘I’ll think about it.’
A beautiful grin spread across James’ face. Oh Regulus would do anything to make that smile appear.
‘You will?’
‘I will.’
‘I–’
A hand slammed on the door of the cupboard and from outside Regulus could hear Sirius saying, ‘James, are you in there.’
James looked at Regulus in panic, who just shrugged, he may have got them into this cupboard but that didn’t mean he was getting them out of it.
‘Err..yes?’
Silence.
‘Why the fuck, are you in a cupboard Prongs?’
‘Um.’
‘Get out here, I can’t hear you properly.’
Again, James glanced back at Regulus who simply raised his eyebrow, somewhat amused by the whole situation. Slowly, James reached out and pushed him gently to the side of the cupboard, away from the entrance's view, before hesitantly opening the door to reveal a baffled Sirius, keeping his hand on Regulus’ chest to stop him from moving.
‘James?’
‘Yep.’
Unable to see either boy's expressions, Regulus distracted himself by tracing up and down James' hand ever so slightly. It was a very pretty hand, he thought. The hairs on James' arm rose.
‘Do I need to repeat my question?’
‘What question?’
Wow James was really bad at this wasn’t he. His voice sounded quite distant and distracted, and Regulus wondered idly what was causing it as he pulled James hand from his chest and lifted it closer to his face, placing a gentle kiss to the palm. He honestly couldn’t help it, it was- as he said- a very, very pretty hand.
‘What question,’ Sirius remmarked incredulously, ‘The one where I asked you why you were in a fucking cupboard.’
‘O- oh,’ James stuttered, his voice hgh and breathy (was he okay?) ‘Um, yeah I was…..um I was checking it for prank ideas.’
‘You were checking a cupboard……for prank ideas,’ came Sirius’ sarcastic- and awfully grating if you asked him- voice.
Regulus continued to work his way around James' hand, stopping every few moments to press another kiss. Sometimes, he believed that James ought to be worshipped by all who came across him. He was the incarnation of the sun after all.
Said boy gave a sharp intake of breath, ‘Yes! Um yes… I was er scouting as you said. And um, I’ve got an idea….for a prank,’ he clarified.
‘Yes I gathered that.’
‘Right. So we should err leave the cupboard. And go. Plan the um prank.’
‘Okayyy, can I see the cupboard that gave you all these amazing ideas?’
‘No, no, no um I don’t want you to.’
‘Right.’
‘Yeah.’
Sirius seemed to pause for a moment, as if debating his life decisions that lead him to this moment before sighing and muttering, ‘Merlin, you are so strange Prongs.’
‘You love me though.’
‘That I do.’
And for a moment, Regulus felt a stab of jealousy course through him. At how easily they said the words, at how easily Sirius said them. And at how much they sounded like brothers. They might as well have been.
‘Let's go then, we don’t have long before Charms.’
‘Okay,’ James moved as if to follow, his hand lightly caressing Regulus' face as he stepped away from the boy. At the last moment however, Regulus’ hand darted out to cling on to James’ own and he found himself yanked back into the cupboard.
‘Prongs?’
James' eyes darted around his face, and Regulus felt himself flush lightly at the heated look he was earning. ‘Yeah you go ahead, I’ll catch up in a minute.’
‘Okayyy.’ Still sounding confused, Sirius wandered off, and immediately James slammed the door shut.
‘You bastard Regulus, kissing my hand, teasing me, with you brother inches away- do you like to torment me.’
Regulus tilted his head, eyes dancing with amusement, ‘Oh but it’s my favourite pastime is it not.’
‘Gods, Regulus, you drive me insane,’ James groaned, before crashing their lips together.
And fuck, it may have only been temporary, but in those few moments, Regulus felt the best he’d ever done.
. . . .
Brewing Amortentia was not high on Regulus’ to do list. Alas, it was a staple of 6th year potions, and therefore, couldn’t simply be bypassed.
It just…pissed him off. All the giggling and the suspension and drama caused by it. Everyone made it such a big deal. It wasn’t as if you always smelt a specific person anyway. It was just things that attracted you. And if that was a person, great. If it wasn’t, then that’s fine. Honestly Regulus didn’t even care about what his smelled like (that was a lie, he was shamefully curious). Would it smell like someone to him, he didn’t know (Most likely). Would it send him into an emotional spiral which would likely end in a mental breakdown, unlikely (very likely).
Either way, he had regarded the lesson with a great deal of apprehension. So when the day arrived he had planned to simply plough through and ignore everything and everyone until the lesson was over, it’s not as if he would find brewing the potion particularly hard- honestly they needed to increase the difficulty of everything at this school, because so far everything had been abysmally easy. Lessons wise anyway.
His plan started off without a hitch, and it was only when the potion was almost finished that he stumbled into a slight…issue.
‘Regulus!’ Dorcas hissed, ‘Mine smells like Marlene’s shampoo, what do I do???’
He frowned, ‘How do you know what Mckinnon’s shampoo smells like? Are you stalking her?’
‘No! Regulus,’ they exclaimed, looking utterly horrified, ‘I sat next to her at last year's dance, only for a moment of course, but she smelt absolutely divine, how could I forget that. It was the moment I started liking her, I think.’
‘Oh..that makes sense I guess. Why don’t you just ask her out?’ Regulus replied distractedly, his mind drifting back to the aforementioned occasion.
He remembered it particularly well, because it had been around the time he and Sirius had finally begun talking again. His brother had dragged him into a conversation with his friends, which of course Regulus had despised, even though Pettigrew seemed decent, and Lupin was quite agreeable. He had refused to acknowledge James’ presence of course because he at that time, still abhorred him on principle.
‘Dance with me.’
Regulus looked over at Potter in confusion, the two of them stood alone as Sirius and Lupin had gone off to dance (totally platonically of course- merlin they were idiots) and Pettigrew was entertained in a conversation with a girl Regulus didn’t know.
‘You heard me, dance with me.’ Potter grinned at him, that stupid beautiful grin. Regulus hated him even more for being able to smile like that, it was entirely too captivating.
‘Why would I want to dance with you?’ Regulus snarked back, his tone laced with apathy.
‘Why wouldn’t you?’
‘Because I hate you.’
Potter looked shocked by his admission, as if it was not the most obvious thing in the world, ‘Why?’
‘You stole my brother from me,’ Regulus answered, sliding the words between his teeth so they came out as little more than a hiss.
‘He’s always going to be your brother Reg,’ again Potter grinned, there should be something to stop him smiling all the time.
‘It’s Regulus.’
‘Right,’ James’ grin slipped ever so slightly, and instead of revelling in it like he should, Regulus mourned the loss of it. That was before he leant in, closer to him and repeated, ‘He’s always going to be your brother Regulus,’ he enunciated the word properly, pausing on each syllable in such a way that sent a shiver down Regulus’ spin, ‘nothing will change that.’ There was a distinctly earthy scent about him, mingled with the sharp twang of broom polish, it smelt all too comforting.
Stepping away quickly, Regulus deigned not to reply, instead spotting Dorcas over the other side of the hall next to some blonde girl- something Mckinnon. Taking this as an opportunity he abandoned James by the table and strode away, ignoring the impulse to look back. Ignoring the way he felt cold all of a sudden. Ignoring the way James’ presence had made him feel warm.
He hadn’t thought back to that night in a long time, it was simply yet another memory that had slipped between the cracks. Yet now Dorcas brought it up, he wondered whether he had really ever hated James at all. Because that— that did not seem like hate, more indignation. Exasperation at how the boy who had stolen his brother would have no trouble stealing Regulus too. He had, really. Regulus wasn’t sure he was ever going to be returned.
It had been a lovely night though, James had looked stunning- he mused. Smelt stunning as well, with the musky scent of the earth and the familiar smell of broom polish, in fact Regulus could almost smell him now.
‘ –you don’t get it Reg, if I ask her out and she doesn’t like me that’s so embarrassing. I’ve just got to like..trick her into telling me who she likes, and then if it's not me I’ll just……Reg? You okay?’’
Wait.
He could smell almost James now.
He could smell James now.
Shit shit shit. He could smell James in a classroom filled with fucking Amortentia.
‘Regulus what’s going on love?’
Oh he was so not ready for this. He thought he could just ignore his feelings and carry on as if they didn't affect him . As if they didn’t change the entire trajectory of his life. As if he wasn’t desperately in love.
love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love,
Love.
Oh.
He was in love with James.
‘Dorcas,’ he whispered, his voice shaky and nothing like his own, ‘What do you do…when you realise that you’re in love?’
‘When you realise you’re in— oh. Regulus.’ Her voice went soft and understanding, she knew what he meant. ‘I think..I think, that you’re just supposed to accept it. Because there’s no coming back from it. You’ve fallen off the cliff. The best you can do is swim for the shore.’
Swim.
Not something Regulus was particularly good at. But as Dorcas said, he had no choice.
So he swam and he swam and he swam.