Memories
When Regulus had told his friends he was seeing James Potter they had laughed.
There had been a quick slip of silence and then Barty had begun to snort in a fit of amusement and that set them all off.
The thing is that if their positions had been swapped, Regulus would have done the same. How could he have not, if his friend had casually let slip that he was seeing the person he had outwardly and vehemently declared a burning hatred for, for almost 6 years.
Except it wasn’t his friends but Regulus who was the fool caught in James Potter's trap.
He was impossible to ignore, he knew that now. On the contrary, his attention was addicting. Once entangled in his web of charm there was no escape. Only acceptance of the fact that James Potter was quite possibly the best thing you would ever come across. That to even be near him, was a blessing from the Gods themselves. So really, Regulus was entirely too content to be forever taken by the boy, too beguiled by his eminent allure to ever want to leave.
He had Regulus well and truly cornered.
It was a bit out of hand to be honest, he thought of him all the time. When he got up in the mornings, if James wasn't with him (which he often was) he would miss him. When he went to breakfast, and saw him with his friends, with his brother, he would have to restrain himself from saying hello. When he was in class there would be little things that would remind Regulus of James so forcibly that he had to refrain from grinning. Even when he was flying- flying who took his mind off everything- he thought of him.
Which is what he was doing now. Flying that is, though he supposed he was thinking of James too, but as established- when was he not?
His team was just ending a training session in preparation for their next match (which was against Ravenclaw). It had been a rigorous couple of hours and he was in desperate need of a hot shower. Technically, it was his fault that the session had been so tough, but he really had to get his team into perfect shape if they wanted to win the cup. Gryffindor had won for the past 3 years, a cause of constant annoyance for Regulus, and he was not about to let them win for the fourth year running.
Although he knew that the time slot had ended at least 5 minutes ago, he allowed his team to play for another couple of minutes keeping an eye out for– yep there he was. Two streaks of red dashed out towards the pitch, slowing down significantly when they saw Slytherin still in the air.
James was always late to practise.
That was another thing Regulus knew. He also knew that James hated being late, hated it and felt invariably guilty about it- which was stupid. James was often an idiot though.
It pained Regulus unfailingly, how James would beat himself up about these kinds of things and how he tried desperately to change himself to please others. Everyone else was perfectly content with him as he was.
And so, every time he knew that Gryffindor was scheduled after him, he would run his session a few minutes late, continuing to fly until the other boy showed up, and only then would he instruct his team to stop. It was entirely selfish, he thought, as it often pissed the Gryfindoor’s off (a win in his book) and gave him a few extra minutes to round the session up. Additionally it stopped James being guilty, which made Regulus happy. See– completely selfish.
Totally.
Therefore, at the sight of the two Gryffindor’s (James and presumably his brother) he motioned for his team to stop and head down to the ground. Resolutely ignoring that little voice in the back of his head questioning why he cared so much about how James felt.
He didn’t have time to think about that.
Not now anyway.
Not ever in fact.
. . . .
‘What?’ Regulus asked distractedly, not particularly paying attention to the question. He knew his friends wanted to talk to him about something he just couldn’t quite find it in himself to focus on what they were saying.
You see, it was lunch time in the Great hall and Gryffindor had just finished their session on the quidditch pitch, and James Potter had strutted in cockily- hair damp and messy- like he knew it would attract half the school population's attention. And whilst Regulus wasn’t usually one to go with the crowd, he was willing to admit that the general consensus was very true. James Potter was really fucking hot.
That wasn’t quite what Regulus was entranced by, James looking stupidly good was the norm (even if the damp hair was a really good look on him). No, it was the fact that upon entrance, James had almost immediately looked at Regulus. Not the other couple of hundred people observing him but Regulus.
And then, the absolute prick , had the audacity to fucking wink.
Wink, and then stroll off to his friends as if he hadn’t caused Regulus to completely spiral.
So forgive him if he wasn’t completely paying attention, he was just having an existential crisis, nothing major.
‘Regg, Reggie– Reguluuus, star booyyy.’ –which was of course interrupted by the insistent and irritating form of Barty Crouch, poking him repeatedly in the ribs.
‘ What?’ he echoed again, ‘What do you want from me?’
Evan scoffed, ‘Well that leaves it rather open doesn’t it, maybe some love, some attention…I don’t know, for you to stop ogling your boyfriend and listen to us?’
‘I’m not ogling!’ Regulus stuttered, feeling the immediate need to defend himself- and he wasn’t, really, just…admiring, like any sane person would (it’s not his fault he made friends with people who were quite the contrary). Then the rest of the sentence caught up with him and he stressed, ‘-And he’s not my boyfriend.’
He caught Dorcas’ smirk out of the corner of his eye and glowered at them, the bitch didn’t even try and hide it.
‘Mhmm, sure tell yourself that Reg, if that’s what you want to hear,’ she grinned, ‘And don’t try and use that glare on me, you look like a petulant puppy.’
‘Oh fuck off,’ he hissed back, ‘As if your not entirely obsessed with a certain blonde Gryffindor.’ Her eyes flared at the mention of the girl they were admittedly captivated by.
‘Oooh I got you there didn’t I?’ Regulus taunted as Barty and Evan sniggered.
Just then a girl flopped down in the seat next to Regulus, her blond locks spilling over his shoulders as she leaned in to ruffle his hair (a move that would be rather foolish for anyone else to try).
Technically, Pandora wasn’t supposed to sit at the Slytherin table- being a ravenclaw- a rule which Regulus honestly thought plain ridiculous, however it was such a regular thing that no one even batted an eye. And really, who would dispute her presence, what with the friends she had?
‘What are we talking about?’ she asked, fiddling with the abundance of bangles decorating her wrists.
Without hesitation and with no hint of remorse, Barty simply states- ‘James.’
Accepting the explanation without question Pandora says, ‘Ah yes don’t you think his hair is looking quite lovely at the moment. I think it rather suits him like that.’
‘Urgh.’ Regulus groaned, thudding his head to the table while his friends just looked on and laughed- he hated them sometimes, really.
‘Mmm it does doesn’t it Reggie.’
Yep he definitely hated them.
‘I will hex you,’ he threatened, though it was slightly redundant. His friends knew that he would never hex them (jinx them lightly, maybe). Other people who annoyed him or mocked them, yes. But his friends, no (though he often dreamed of it).
‘You would have thought dating perhaps the nicest bloke in the school would have made you a better person,’ Barty mused, ‘But nooo, still a despicable boy who threatens his friends on a daily basis- why we hang out with you I will never know.’
‘ I’m not dating him!’ Regulus protested. By the looks of it he was a tad too loud, as his cry drew the attention of those near them on their table. ‘I’m not dating him,’ he reiterated at a quieter level, ‘and you personally “hang out” with me because you’ve got horrifying attachment issues and would have a fit if I left you alone for more than a day.’
‘Oi piss of Black.’
Evan patted Barty’s shoulder in a patronising manner, ‘It’s ok sweetheart, he only speaks the truth.’ (the way those two flipped between practically ripping each other to shreds, and terms of endearment sometimes confused Regulus).
‘ I don’t have attachment issues!’
‘Oh but you do,’ Dorcas chimed in.
‘Oh not you too.’
As his friends' voices faded into the background, Regulus found his eyes drawn back to James (what a surprise), only to find his eyes already on him. He was surrounded by his own group of friends having a- seemingly- very engaging conversation, and yet he was looking at Regulus. He felt himself shiver uncontrollably at the intensity of the stare he was being given, unable to look away until James slowly blinked, as if coming out of a trance, and looked down at the table. For a minute he felt disappointed it was over, stupid at how much he revelled in the attention. And then James looked back up. Blinked 3 times slowly, and looked down.
Ah.
It was the communication system they had devised, for when they couldn’t talk. A blink meant are you ok- which could be answered with a shake or nod of the head. Two blinks meant I can’t talk now, I'll talk to you later. And three, three blinks meant I want to ask you something (or tell you something). Not verbally of course. But on a charmed piece of paper they kept in their pockets at all times.
Regulus pulled this out now and there– yes, in James’ (honestly appalling) scrawl:
Hello Reg :)
He shook his head and glanced back up yet again, finding James looking at him, grinning, awaiting his answer.
What do you want, Potter?
No pleasantries? No hi how are you James, honestly I’m offended.
Hi lovely to talk to you, how are you James, I can’t believe you’ve honoured me with this conversation James, It’s so much fun conversing to you James.
I’m choosing to pretend that wasn’t sarcastic Black, and going to believe you meant all those lovely things.
Ah living in delusion I see.
No…just ignoring anything that I don’t want to hear.
Same thing.
Well aren't you prickly today.
What do you want James?
‘Oi Reggie, what you got there?’
Feeling mightily inconvenienced by the interruption, Regulus pulled his head up reluctantly.
‘None of your business.’
A coy smile grew over Dorcas’ face– ‘You’re not…talking to James are you?’ they questioned innocently.
‘..No.’
Pandora grinned and Regulus knew he was uncovered, ‘Oooh you are, say hello from me will you, how is he?’
‘He’s fine.’
‘Just fine?’ Said Evan lifting a single eyebrow.
‘Yes..just fine.’ He gritted out, resisting the arcane impulse to hiss.
‘Not–’
‘ Fuck off.’ Regulus finally broke, wanting desperately to get back to talking to James (it was pathetic yes, but true).
‘Calm, no need to be so feisty Reg.’
But he wasn’t listening anymore, his attention once again absorbed by the boy sat on the other side of the room. James was watching him, head tilted in confusion, possibly wondering what had got him so visibly riled up- something like apprehension reflected on his face.
He blinked.
Regulus nodded.
James then returned his focus to something on the table- presumably the enchanted paper- and Regulus did the same, noting that there was a series of lines written in an attempt to get his attention.
Okay, sticking with the direct approach again I see, fair enough.
I was wondering if you wanted to meet in the classroom by the portrait of that arrogant knight on the seventh floor, you know Sir what’s his face.
After lunch I mean, obviously.
It would only be for a bit.
You don’t have to if you don’t want to.
Like if you’re busy
.
Or just don’t fancy it.
I don’t mind.
Reg?
Reguluuuus?
reggggiie
James
You’re back!!
Yes.
Yes you’re back or yes you want to meet up?
Both.
Yess!!! See you in a bit then xx
See you soon
Bye :))))))
Goodbye James
Against his own will, Regulus felt a smile steal across his face. James had that effect really. Just to brighten anyone's day. He was the sun. It was what he did. And yet every time he did it, it took Regulus’ breath away, that James had that power. It should have scared him, the control James had over his mood, his…everything- but he wouldn’t entrust it with anyone else.
James never hurt anyone on purpose, and so against his own desires, Regulus trusted him. Let him in beyond the barriers to where no one had ever been, other than perhaps Sirius. He was quite sure James did not know the extent of the hold he had over Regulus. But even if he did, he was certain James would do nothing about it. Nothing but reassure Regulus that he would not break him, wouldn’t shatter the remaining fractions of him that had been hastily shoved back together. Not when they were just starting to heal.
‘So when you seeing lover boy?’
Exasperated, Regulus sighed and looked at Pandora, ‘How do you know I’m seeing him?’
She grinned, ‘You’ve got that look– the James look.’
‘The James look?’
‘Yeah,’ she elaborated, ‘When you get that dopey smile on your face, and your eyes light up. It’s the James look.’
Regulus scowled, ‘I do not have a dopey smile.’
‘Nope,’ Evan cut in, ‘You definitely do Reg. It’s funny really, you go from a prickly little dick one second to well…a prickly little dick who has a crush, the next.’
He did not have a crush.
He would never get a crush on James Potter.
That wasn’t what this was, it was just..fun he guessed. Regulus wasn’t really sure what this thing between them was but it wasn’t a crush or anything romantic, absolutely not. It was just a mutual agreement that suited them both. Very well. Extremely well actually. He wasn’t sure about James but Regulus was very happy with things as they were. It suited him. No complications, no strings, no stress (from that area of his life anyway).
So whatever this was, it was not ( not!) a crush.
‘I do not have a crush.’
His friends all let out identical groans- what was their problem?- ‘Jesus how far in denial is he?’ he heard Barty mutter, in a tone that Regulus didn’t like, thank you very much. ‘In the fucking Mariana Trench mate,’ Evan mumbled back.
‘Oh shut up guys, and in answer to your earlier question Pandora, I am going now. So if you will all excuse me- and by that I mean I can’t bear to spend another moment in your presence…..except you Pandora,’ he conceded, ‘ but since you are hanging out with this lot, I don’t have a choice.’
‘Dramatic bastard,’ Barty joked at the same time as Dorcas protested, ‘Hey, what have I done wrong.’
‘For the sake of staying friends, Dorcas, I’m not going to answer that.’ He said smirking, before standing abruptly and making a quick exit of the hall.
James was still sitting with his friends, but Regulus felt his eyes track him as he strode out of the doors and knew he would soon follow (don’t ask him how he knew James was watching, despite his back being turned- it was like a sixth sense for Regulus by now).
It doesn't take him long to reach the desired spot. Though the changing staircases and near identical corridors make it a slow process for the masses, Regulus had always been good at finding shortcuts. It wasn’t because he was lazy or anything, he just liked avoiding people really. Anyone that wasn’t his friends. Or James. His brain supplied. Shut up. He answered. Surprisingly the other boy seemed to know a fair amount of hidden doorways and shortcuts too- which he supposed was how he managed to carry out all his pranks with his brother. Actually, now Regulus thought about it, James knew even more of Hogwarts secrets than him, which was…odd. There was definitely a reason behind it, but he couldn’t quite place it.
And oh, he remembered what James meant by the annoying knight now, inwardly sighing and hoping to avoid conversation.
His wish, alas, wasn't granted and as he stepped past the portrait he heard a nasally voice cry out, ‘Stand and fight, you mangy cur!’
‘I’d rather not.’
‘Aha a scoundrel! You would back down from a fight, what cowardice you possess.’
Groaning, Regulus deigned not to reply and continued towards the classroom on his left (one he knew for a fact would be empty because it was only used as a spare arithmancy classroom when the number of students taking it was too small for the room 2 floors below. Since Regulus took arithmancy, and found the class to be of a small number, it was going unused)
‘Where is the chivalry, young fellow, where lies your bravery sir!’
‘I think you got my house mixed up, I’m a Slytherin not a brawny Gryffindor- bravery doesn’t matter to me.
‘Hogwash I say! Bravery matters to all. Who are you to–’
With that Regulus shut the door of the classroom behind him. He didn’t need to hear Sir Cadogan and his stupid declarations. Bravery matters to all . What kind of saying was that? Bravery wasn’t important, it was stupid and delusional. Regulus had never needed Bravery and he never would.
‘Reggie..Reggie, I’m going to need you to be brave.’ Sirius’ reassuring voice floated across to him, breaking his inconsolable state of panic.
He hadn’t meant to. It wasn’t his fault he didn’t mean– It didn’t matter if he hadn’t meant it, his mothers voice sliced through his head, relaying back and forth with Sirius’ murmurings, pushing further still towards the teetering edge he resided on.
‘No.. I didn’t I– swear I.’ He didn’t mean the words to some out either, but somehow he had lost control of his mouth, of his body, of his thoughts.
‘Shh sh- sh it’s ok Reggie, I know you didn’t.’ Sirius murmured again, why was he ok with this? He should be mad, he should be shouting and yelling and hitting.
But Sirius didn’t do any of those things, he never did, he just clasped firmly onto Regulus’ hand and repeated, ‘Look Reggie I need you to be brave, just for a moment. Can you do that for me?’
‘Non, non je ne peux pas,’ He stuttered out in panic, ‘C'est toi qui es courageuse Siri, je... ce n'est pas moi, j- je ne peux pas, je ne peux pas.’ He couldn’t seem to breathe. His throat was tightening, struggling like a noose was tied around it. There might as well have been. Surely that would have been better than what he would get now, what mother would “reward” him with. A rope may have brought him some comfort, some stability. At least then he would have a choice.
‘Tu vas bien, tu vas bien Reggie, ne panique pas, respire.... respire pour moi ok?’ Sirius slipped into french too as well as he held Regulus by the face, clutching at his cheeks in a desperate attempt to get his attention. ‘You don’t have to be brave, It’ll be ok, I- I’ll be brave for you.’
And suddenly he could breath, air filled his lungs as he took a gasping breath, ‘Sirius.’
His brother swallowed and nodded,’Je serai courageux pour toi.’ He repeated, like a mantra, as if it would keep him going. Save him from his fate. It wouldn’t.
Monstrous footsteps approached, fury echoing off the floors, and the walls and the ceilings. A raging dragon on a warpath against her own kin, their mother approached.
‘J- je t’aime.’
‘Je t'aime aussi,’ his brother replied, voice unwavering, the image of courage as he stood in acceptance of his fate.
Regulus wished he could be like him, wished he could be brave. But he wasn’t, he never would be.
The door flew open and the dragon stormed in, eyes blazing with a hatred so ferocious, Regulus felt as if he were burned. Her eyes narrowed on Sirius as he stepped forward to take the blame and guilt washed over him.
He did this.
Suddenly he couldn’t breathe again.
‘CRUCIO.’
He was drowning.
Sirius let out a piercing scream.
If only he was brave.
‘Reg?’
‘No, no no désolé, Je suis désolé.’
Warm hands were clutching his face, a voice telling him to breathe. It was Sirius, it had to be Sirius he–
‘Regulus.’
No that wasn’t Sirius, he didn’t sound like that, no–
‘Love, come on it’s ok, I’m here, you’re ok.’
James.
There floating in front of him, his face knitted in concern was James Potter. He was breathing, he was okay. Mother wasn’t there. Sirius, Sirius wasn’t there. Where was Sirius? Where–
As if he read his mind James affirmed, ‘Sirius is in the great hall, with Remus. We’re at Hogwarts, not at your house. Do you want me to take you to him? I can do that for you.’
‘No,’ Regulus gasped, so exponentially relieved at the knowledge that his brother was safe that he felt himself able to breathe properly again. ‘I’m fine, it’s fine. I– I’m alright.’
James curled a hand around his own, ‘Ok love, if you’re sure…do you want to tell me what happened?’
Ridiculously, Regulus felt embarrassed. No normal person would get these..flashbacks and well, panic attacks. It didn’t matter that he'd been told again and again that it was okay, that it was understandable. That all that mattered was that Regulus was alright. Because that wasn’t true. He couldn’t afford to have one of these..moments at home. He was sure Sirius didn’t have these problems, but then he was always braver than Regulus.
Brave.
That foolish word again.
Abruptly his mouth tasted sour and he felt irritated. Irritated and stupid and angry. At everyone. At his mother for being how she was. At his father for doing nothing to stop her. At his brother for being so fucking brave. And at James for just being nice, so absurdly nice. Why couldn’t he have just been mean for once.
‘No.’ He snapped and looked to turn away before realising he was on the ground.
Well that was embarrassing.
He worked with it though and sprung up to leave, no longer in the mood to talk or just see James. He was too bloody perfect and Regulus didn’t have the energy to deal with it.
‘Hey hey hey, Reg wait,’ James hurried after him, his hand latching onto his wrist.
Glaring at the point of contact, he barked back, ‘What?’ in a voice that sounded vaguely like his mothers.
He hated it.
‘We don’t have to talk or anything, I could talk to you and you can just listen, or or we can just sit in silence, or you could read- I don’t mind watching you read.’ James rushed out, sounding a little desperate. Why was he that eager to spend time with him? What could he possibly have to offer that could be of interest?
Inwardly, Regulus groaned.
This was what he was talking about. James being just too perfect. How was he even real? He had calmed him down after a panic attack, asked him if he was okay, and Regulus had what? Snapped at him. And then, instead of allowing him to walk away like any sane person would do, he had just provided him with a plethora of options just so he could spend time with him. Too fucking perfect!
You see, Regulus didn’t have a choice now. How on earth could he walk away from..that. But he still didn’t want to talk, and he didn’t have a book with him. So instead he created his own- much more preferable- option.
Audibly sighing he tugged Jame down to his level (the tall bastard) and kissed him.
A small whimper of surprise sounded from the mouth of the other boy, obviously not expecting this course of action but not disputing it either.
Regulus felt a hand snake around his neck and into his hair as James backed him into a table, his legs going weak at the contact.
It was like this every time. No matter how many times they had kissed like this, it never stopped being so..magic. It felt fiery and ardent and simultaneously the most precious thing Regulus had ever experienced in his life, would ever experience probably. Every time it happened, he felt so cherished and so so treasured, like he was something to be held on tight to and shielded from the world- that he just melted. Any barriers he kept up throughout the day were torn down, leaving him open for James to see. And yet Regulus didn’t mind. Because it was James.
‘Regulus,’ James breathed out, uttering his prayer like a name, ‘You can’t just avoid everything by kissing me you know. I mean not that I’m complaining I–’
‘Shut up.’ Regulus instructed and worked his lips down from James’ mouth to his jaw, pausing in what he knew to be a very sensitive spot. At his devout attention a moan left the older boy's mouth, and god did Regulus just want to swallow it (an odd thought he knew, but he was used to them by now). So he did the next best thing and replaced his lips on James’, drawing him closer and closer until their bodies were pressed together, merged into one.
In response, James skated his hands up and down Regulus' side fervently, sending a shiver up his spine as his fingers worked his way under his shirt, meeting the cool skin of his stomach. Gods this was heavenly.
‘Hey Prongs what ar– AHwhat the fuck.’
And there stood Remus Lupin, at the entrance to the classroom looking utterly shell-shocked.
‘Oh gods I did not need to see that what the fuck, what the fuck!’
Panic coursed through Regulus. No one was supposed to know, it was a secret no one could know. His friend didn’t count, they wouldn’t tell anyone, but Remus Lupin. Oh that was his brother’s boyfriend, gods this couldn’t have been worse. Shit shit shit. What did they do now?
A hand slipped into his, James. Oh James. Would they have to end this, Regulus didn’t want it to end– fuck he didn’t want it to end.
He heard James mutter under his breath, ‘Ah shit the map,’ and narrowed his eyes. What map? James hadn’t told him about a map. Urgh merde he didn’t have time to think about this now, he would have to handle that later. Would there even be a later, he wasn’t sure.
‘Heyyy Moony whatcha doing?’ James grinned, if a little awkwardly- why the fuck was he grinning?
What..
What in Merlins name was James doing?
‘James, literally what the fuck .’
‘Ok you’ve said that three times now, I’m sensing you’re in shock.’
‘I– you- ok right..I’m assuming Sirius doesn’t know.’
This time Regulus answered, in a voice too sharp for his own liking, ‘No, and you're not going to tell him.’
Remus’ eyebrows flew up, ‘Oh I’m not am I?’
‘No.’
James glanced between them, looking apprehensive. ‘Rigght, um yeah I– we’d probably prefer it if you didn’t,’ he paused for a moment, his features unusually embarrassed, ‘Well I’m guessing you came to see me for a reason, Moony.’
‘Err yes,’ Remus started before glancing back at Regulus and then continuing, ‘In private.’
Ah so it was about the werewolf thing. It’s not as if Regulus didn’t know, I mean come on it was obvious: Missing every full moon, scars on the face and body, and his nickname was moony for fucks sake. It didn’t change his opinion on Lupin, honestly he couldn’t really care one bit about the other boy. Unless he hurt Sirius of course. Then he would have to kill him. But that was just obligatory- no personal feelings there.
‘Oh right.’ James said, and then the room descended into silence again, tension and discomfort stifling the air.
‘Oh for Merlin's sake,’ Regulus turned to James, ‘I will see you later, and if you don’t turn up I’ll hex you,’ he then stalked out of the room, pausing momentarily to glance at his reflection in a window and fix the state of his clothing (he couldn’t go round looking unkempt now could he) and barely spared a glance at the other boy who stood rooted to the spot in the entrance.
As he walked away from the room he heard behind him an exclamation of ‘James Potter you absolute idiot ,’ and let a rare grin span his face.
Well, it was the truth after all.
James Potter was an idiot.
Even if he was a lovely one.