Roman / Reader
The sound of steady beeping woke you up. It was faint at first, penetrating your mind even though you weren't completely awake yet and gradiently getting louder as you gained consciousness. You opened your eyes slowly but closed them swiftly when the bright lights hit them and made them ache. You gasped due to the stinging pain and lifted your right hand to shield your eyes from the light just to find out that you couldn't really move your arm. You turned your head and sharpened your gaze to see what was keeping your arm trapped to your side; you saw bandages, a thin tube going from an intravenous bag to your arm and a restraint that kept your arm still.
You had no idea about what was going on and where you were. The last thing you remembered was your graduation party... and then... nothing. You felt your heart rate going up and your breathing turning into shallow gasps as you sank into a state of panic. You rolled on your right side, used your left arm to free you from your restraints and to pull out different medical sensors, turning the steady beep into a constant one. A nurse ran into the room just as you were about to pull out the intravenous needle from your arm and gasped "Not again!" with a frustrated tone. She administered a needle and inserted it to your shoulder, told you to relax and reattached the medical sensors and bandages as soon as you had fallen asleep. You tried to fight against the sedative but there was no way you could have stopped it from working.
You fell asleep and had vivid dreams about your graduation party; your friends and the closest members of your family had gathered to a restaurant that was quite casual and cozy to celebrate the ending of one and the beginning of another chapter of your life. You had studied quite many subjects during your early twenties, unable to decide for good what you had wanted to do when you grew up. However then you had stumbled on classes that were about social justice and welfare and that had been the moment when your life’s path had become clear to you and everything had finally clicked.
You wanted to help people, you wanted to make their lives more manageable, easier and better and therefore you had quitted whatever major you had been studying during that time of your life and applied to a university to study social studies. You had graduated in record time, pushed forward with the help of your high motivation and fueled by a deep certainty; this was what you wanted to do when you grew up and in fact, you were ready to become an adult now. Graduation had been a big step for you mentally – the beginning of your future, the future that had become your past… of which you had now no memory of.
You recoiled from your dreams once more and stared at the ceiling. This time the room was pleasantly dark and that made you feel calmer. You raised your head a little and saw someone sitting by the hospital bed - a person dressed in dark clothes, if your eyes we're tricking you. You couldn't see clearly, your vision was very blurry actually, but you saw enough to come to a conclusion that the person sitting by the bed was a tall man. You tried to talk but your throat was so dry that no sound came out when you tried to make any sounds. This made you feel helpless and weak. Not only you were completely unaware of your situation but on top of that you were unable to express yourself in an understandable and coherent way.
You tried to get the man's attention by shouting at him with whispers but the longer you tried, the more obvious it got that he was actually asleep. You tried to lift your left hand but noticed instantly that this time your both arms were restrained to prevent you from pulling the IV needle, the heart rate sensor and other medical things off like you had before. However, quite soon you realized that there was a remote right next to your left hand... a remote that had only one button. You pressed it and after a couple of minutes a nurse entered the room and turned on the lights. The man recoiled from his nap and instantly stood up.
- How are you doing, Miss (Y/N)? the nurse asked and smiled politely at you. You tried to speak once more but there was no sound coming out from your mouth, just random coarse and barely audible noises.
- I think she needs water. the man said and pointed at a cup with a straw on the side table.
- Is that so? the nurse asked with a somewhat bothered tone. It was clear that she was somewhat frustrated with you for some reason. Perhaps you had woken up and panicked many times, pulled out the medical instruments, hence the restraints, and because of that the nurse was now done with your shit. "Water?" she asked and after getting a confirming nod from you, she helped you to drink a little.
- Thank you. you said and sighed, your voice still very weak but now at least slightly better. The nurse smiled politely, helped you to drink some more and then left the room to get a doctor. After a while a woman in a long white coat walked into the room, took a quick look at your file and nodded.
- Any pain? she asked formally.
- A little. you replied and shifted your gaze from the doctor to the man who was standing a bit further away from the bed. "But I can handle it" you said before the doctor managed to administer more pain medication via the IV needle.
- Do you know what happened? the doctor asked curiously, put the file away and focused her gaze on you.
- No. you stated and then continued hesitantly "I was at my graduation party and then...” you spoke, took a deep breath and then added “…Woke up here."
- Graduation party? the doctor asked curiously and opened the folder again. She turned a page and adjusted her glasses as her eyes scanned the written notes.
- That is not... the man said suddenly and stopped immediately when you and the doctor shifted your gazes to him. "That's not what happened" he mumbled and took a step backwards. You found his behavior rather odd; it was almost like he didn’t want to be the center of attention but still, for some reason he was in the room with you. It meant that the man had to be someone close to you because usually only family members were allowed to stay after visiting hours. The hospital was silent and the room had been dark so you reasoned that it was either late in the evening or even night.
- Who are you? you asked with a deeply puzzled tone, smiled nervously and stared at the tall man in dark, casual clothes. The man seemed a bit nervous and like he had been on his guard, which you found puzzling and also intriguing. You see, you were great at reading people, one of the main reasons why you had been fascinated by social studies, and this man was giving you strange vibes. However he did not answer.
- Oh, he is your fiancé. He found you at your workplace and called the ambulance. the doctor said after taking another glance at your file and reading the summary.
- My fiancé? you asked and sighed nervously. You shifted your eyes from the man to your left hand in order to confirm the claim by seeing the engagement ring circling your ring finger. However, there was no ring to prove it.
- I took the ring to be cleaned. the man said quickly, walked to the bed and took your hand. He brushed the skin of the back of your hand with his thumb and smiled at you. The man was tall and he had broad shoulders, he was athletic too but it was clear that he had done some heavy lifting during his life, in other words, he looked strong. He had green eyes, long dark eye lashes and dark impressive eyebrows. His hair was dark brown, he had a light stubble and a soul patch. He had combed his hair back with some hair product that made his hair look a bit greasy. On top of that he had short sideburns and a light moustache. He looked handsome but there was something about him that made you feel a bit uneasy; there was darkness radiating from him and he had a serious 'bad boy' -thing going on.
- Ah. you sighed and shifted your gaze elsewhere. You felt a state of panic taking over again but this time you decided to fight it as well as you could.
- Can someone, please, tell me what happened? you pleaded and pulled your arms as an involuntary reaction. The doctor decided to remove the restraints and gestured the man to tell you why you were in a hospital.
- You were assaulted at your workplace. he spoke. This time he sounded confident and therefore you had no reason to doubt him.
- Workplace? But I... I just graduated! you exclaimed and stared at the man with widened eyes. The truth was, you did not remember anything after the graduation party and in fact it felt like you had just been there celebrating with your family and friends.
- You work as a social worker for the city of (a city of your choosing, located abroad). the man said and brushed your hand again as an attempt to comfort you. "I was going to pick you up from work but..." he spoke and then stopped.
- What? you asked and held your breath as you waited for the man to continue.
- I found you lying on the floor in your office. he said and added with a shocked tone "Bleeding out and barely alive." The man swallowed once and shifted his gaze elsewhere as he recollected the horrible sight.
The man told you that he had immediately called the emergency services and after the ambulance had taken you to the hospital, the police had checked from the security camera footage that your previous client had trashed your office and assaulted you with a knife. Then, fifteen minutes after the attack, your fiancé had entered the building and found you coughing blood, barely conscious. The man told you that when you had fallen due to the impact of the first attack, you had hit your head quite badly to the corner of your desk. He speculated that the head trauma could be the reason why you now had problems with remembering. The doctor confirmed these speculations and added that you were lucky to be alive after such violent attack.
- What kind of clients am I dealing with exactly? you asked and chuckled nervously.
- Well... the man said and sighed. He took a deep breath before he continued. "You help ex-convicts to get their shit-" he spoke and stopped, cleared his throat and mumbled "Sorry" with an apologetic tone. "I mean, their lives together" he stated and then described how you had helped many people to find jobs and proper housing, encouraged many to seek help to deal with their mental issues and provided a sort of safety net to rely on when trying to start a new life.
- Oh. you sighed, feeling quite proud of yourself because of your honorable career choices, and tried to recall something, even the most unimportant details of your life but all you could remember was your graduation party and everything that had happened before it. Nothing after it.
- It is an important job. the doctor stated and made some notes in the file. "But apparently also dangerous" she added with a thoughtful tone. The doctor raised her gaze from the file and smiled at you, told you that she had to continue her rounds but would come back in the morning. You mumbled "Alright" and returned to stare at the ceiling once more when the doctor had left the room.
The man walked around the bed and sat in the armchair. He was wearing a dark hoodie and black college pants that were hanging loosely from his hips. When he sat in the armchair, he casually just lounged in it and this slack and sloppy demeanor made you suspicious whether he was actually your fiancé or not. You see, you had always assumed to meet a guy who at least looked like he had his shit together and this man, even though he was very handsome, didn't quite fit in that image of an ideal guy you had pictured in your head. But then again, people and their preferences changed and if you were not fresh from school anymore, it meant that you didn't really know yourself anymore. It was a somewhat frightening thought.
- Are you sure we're engaged? you asked curiously after a rather long silence. You were trying to keep your voice as casual and light as possible but failing due to growing frustration.
- Yeah. the man scoffed, clearly bothered by your enquiries. "You ring is getting resized" he stated. You stared at the guy with a confused expression and then he corrected himself "Cleaned, it's getting cleaned." He sounded annoyed and upset, almost like he had been ready to explode due to the fact that you were suspecting him and questioning your relationship.
- Alright, alright! you said and gestured the man to calm down.
- I'm sorry, babe. he said and sighed. "These past few weeks have been tough" he commented and placed his hand on yours again. His touch felt pleasant but unfamiliar, however you decided not to pull your hand away just so you wouldn’t offend him. Besides, it, having him there holding you hand, comforted you somehow; it was almost like reassurance that even though you did not know what your life was like now, there was someone who cared about you and had stayed by your side all this time.
- Few weeks? you gasped and a shock took over your face as the muscles of your entire body tensed up.
- You were put into a medically induced coma and for a moment it looked like you wouldn't make it. the man stated and squeezed your hand. He looked sad and exhausted, like he had gone through hell. "They had to get the swelling of your brain down" he explained and then mumbled "Or something."
- Was it really that bad? you asked, the severity of your situation finally sinking in, well, slowly but surely.
- Yeah, babe. It is basically a miracle that you survived. he replied and smiled. However, his smile carried a deep undertone of sorrow and concern, which made you feel sorry for him as well as slightly guilty for doubting him; the man was the one sitting by your bed and holding your hand. Sure, he wasn't exactly the prince charming you had dreamed about but he clearly cared, and that was the most important thing, right?
You both were silent for nearly fifteen minutes, just staring at the ceiling and trying to come up with something to say. You wanted to ask many questions about your work and relationship, about your life in general but you had a feeling that the man didn’t really want to talk. However it was also possible that your people reading skills were greatly hindered by strong medication and therefore you were reading the man’s body language and non-verbal communication wrong. It was also late and you both were tired. It wasn’t uncommon that people behaved in unexplainable ways when they were tired… besides, the man had most likely gone through a traumatic experience, he had nearly lost you, and as you knew from your psychology studies, people reacted to situations like this in different ways. The man was a stranger to you but you weren’t a stranger to him – this was something that you had to try to keep in mind.
- What's your name? you asked with a warm and friendly tone.
- Roman. he replied and then asked with an astonished tone "You really don't remember anything, do you?" He leaned towards you and scanned your face suspiciously, almost like he had been trying to find traces of deceit on your face.
- No. you replied and shook your head. “Nothing after graduation” you stated and sighed. You didn’t even know what year it was, which meant that you couldn’t say whether you had lost a year or a decade, or something in between. You shifted your eyes to your hands and deducted by the look of your skin that it had not been more than fifteen years since your hands looked very youthful still… or perhaps you were one of those people who just aged well. However, this Roman –guy looked like he was in his thirties, so unless you were a so-called cougar and gotten yourself a younger boyfriend, it was highly likely that you were about his age. You didn’t want to ask what year it was because asking such thing felt ridiculous.
- You don't remember how we met. Roman stated or asked, you couldn’t say for sure.
- No. you replied and focused your eyes on him once more.
- You don’t remember me. he stated with a cautious tone, almost like he had been probing and trying to find out how comprehensive your amnesia was.
- No, I’m sorry. you answered and smiled apologetically. “I hope you understand that I can’t…” you said and paused to process your thoughts. You inhaled deeply and then continued with as sincere tone as you could muster in your state of confusion “…I want to remember but it’s not something I can just-“
- You don't remember that we have been... Roman began, interrupting you suddenly almost like he had been too impatient to let you finish and continued slightly hesitantly “…Planning to move in together.”
- No? you said but this time your tone made it sound like a question. Roman nodded as a confirmation and furrowed his brows. “Wait…We're engaged but we're not living together” you stated, sounding more suspicious than before.
You see, you had always imagined to date a guy who worked in an office and preferred tidy, business casual clothes. Your ideal man had a degree from university and was a person whom you could present to your family without feeling nervous that he would say or do something stupid, offend your friends or get too drunk during gatherings and parties. You obviously didn’t know Roman due to your head injury but what you knew based on your first impression of him was not that flattering and this made you question your own taste of men. What had happened? Why and how had you ever fallen in love with someone like Roman?
Besides, you had always thought that a relationship was supposed to go in a certain way; you meet someone trustworthy and compatible and go out on dates, then at some point this ‘seeing each other’ turns into dating and eventually becomes a relationship that grows more serious with time and then you move in together to see if you really are compatible and then… then it is time for an engagement and finally a marriage… preferably after you both have good jobs and secure income. You knew that your idea of developing a lasting relationship was quite structured and narrow-minded, boring even, but you had come to a conclusion at some point during your student years that it was better to be smart even in the matters of the heart and not let yourself get carried away by your emotions or hormones. Now, keeping this all in mind, it was a shock to you to hear that you had changed so much that you were willing to get engaged before actually living together.
- Yeah, but that is about to change because you asked me to move in with you. Roman replied and stood up because he was getting somewhat frustrated. He towered over you as you lay in the hospital bed and stared at you with his intense eyes.
- Uh-huh. you commented, trying your best not to let him under your skin. “How long have we been dating?” you asked and stared back at him, your vision still blurry and focusing your gaze at something so intensely making your eyes and head ache. Roman was silent for a moment, perhaps counting the years and months in his head… at least you hoped that this relationship had lasted years and months instead of weeks and days. You waited and waited, growing a bit more restless by every passing second. Didn’t he know? Why was that such a difficult question to answer?
- About eighteen months. he replied eventually and nodded, he tilted his head and focused his eyes on you. You felt almost naked under his gaze and to be honest, you were slightly mesmerized by his handsome or even beautiful features and the eyes that seemed to see right into your soul. Yes, Roman’s gaze made you feel tingly and lightheaded and therefore it was not a big surprise if your feet had gotten swept away by this tall, dark man.
- That is not a lot. you commented and sighed after gaining some control over your fascination and returning to your normal rational and prudent state of mind.
- Well yeah. It was love at first sight. Roman replied instantly with a tone that made it obvious that he was getting deeply irritated and perhaps even angry. “What do you want me to say?” he asked and scoffed.
- I just find it… out of character. you stammered, slightly shaken due to the angry tone. “I don’t usually jump into things” you explained with a cautious and hesitant voice.
- Perhaps you have changed. Roman commented, sounding somewhat sardonic and perhaps even amused, and rolled his eyes. “Besides, eighteen months is a long time” he stated with a casual tone and then added “It is hardly jumping into anything.” You knew he had a point; eighteen months wasn’t exactly a blink of an eye and maybe Roman was right when he suggested that you had changed during your adulthood. That, changing, was completely normal, after all, and to be expected. It was possible, very likely actually, that you had abandoned your dogmatic opinions during the years, now forgotten, when you had come to a realization that the world was much more complex than your idealistic guidelines and rules. Maybe you had learned that you couldn’t force life into inflexible frame when life was filled with variable and unexpected events that changed everything in a blink of an eye.
- True. But… It still doesn’t make any sense to me. you mumbled with a barely audible tone. “Why aren't we living together if...” you asked, sighed nervously and then concluded by stating with an assertive tone “…We're planning to get married?”
- Because I am currently unemployed! Roman snapped and groaned as he glared at you. You got startled because of his harsh tone as well as the fire in his eyes and turned your head away to gain some privacy. The steady beeping of the heart monitor had gotten faster, indicating that your heart was suddenly racing. Roman noticed this too and the look on his face softened instantly. “And your apartment is... too small for both of us” he mumbled with a tone that communicated to you that he was embarrassed because of his sudden and uncontrolled outburst.
- Okay! No need to get defensive. you snapped in return as soon as you managed to catch your breath again. “I’m only asking because I can’t remember” you explained with a shaky voice. Roman nodded.
Roman walked a bit in the room while you followed him with your gaze. He left the room, got himself a drink, a soda or something, and filled your cup with cold spring water he had bought from a vending machine. He helped you to drink and then returned to sit by the bed, opened the chocolate bar he had gotten for himself and offered you a piece. You refused politely because your throat still felt sore and the mere idea of swallowing something solid caused shivers that ran along your spine from your neck to your lower back, making your skin fill with Goosebumps.
You were hungry, basically starving, but you were not that hungry. You called the nurse and asked her to bring you a smoothie but apparently the doctor had to check your stomach before you were allowed to eat anything. The stab wounds had been deep and a few of them had actually punctured your stomach quite badly. “Fine” you muttered and wished the nurse goodnight after she had told you to get some sleep. She turned off the lights from the room and left you alone in the dark with Roman.
- Did we meet through my work? you asked curiously after a somewhat long silence that was equally depressing and awkward. You kept staring at the ceiling and waiting for Roman to say something.
- Are you asking me if I am an ex-convict? the man asked with an offended tone. "What makes you think that I've been to prison?" he asked and scoffed.
- Nothing... just... you stammered nervously, not really knowing what to say. You didn’t want to say that Roman looked exactly what you had imagined a former prisoner to look like but you knew that he knew you were thinking about it. “I'm sorry” you sighed and swallowed nervously.
- I haven't exactly spent my time doing house chores since the assault. Alright? he snapped, sitting in the armchair next to the bed and staring at you through the darkness. “These were the last clean clothes I managed to find yesterday morning before coming here” he mumbled and after a brief pause and a sharp inhale, he added “I've been sitting by your bed ever since-“
- I'm sorry. It is obvious that you're suffering too... you commented with a tone that was filled with regret and embarrassment. “…And I'm not making it any easier for you” you stated after a sniffle.
- Yeah well, shit happens. Roman said with an indifferent tone that communicated that he was kind of used to being looked down to. It made you sad because you had unintentionally become one of those snobby people who judged a book by its cover. You were just about to apologize again when he said “Perhaps you should rest.”
- You should rest too. you spoke and then added “You can go, I'll be fine.”
- Are you sure? he asked, stood up and headed towards the door without kissing you goodbye or even brushing your hair. This, lack of affection from your supposed fiancé, made you feel quite lonely and emotional which came out as a stream of silent tears.
- Yeah. We'll talk more tomorrow, okay? you managed to say without sounding too broken.
- Yep. Roman said, opened the door and took a quick glance at you as light poured into the room from the corridor that was lit with bright fluorescent lights.
Roman stopped to stare at you while he stood in the doorway. You turned your head away because the lights were blinding you and making your eyes hurt. Besides you did not want the man to see you in such fragile state – your pale cheeks stained by the tears and your features buried in troubles and shadows. You waited for Roman to leave but for your surprise he didn’t. He just stood there, letting light into the dark hospital room and scanning your face with his eyes, surely noticing every sign of distress and discomfort. You, however, couldn’t see his face since he was facing away from the light. Therefore you could only guess whether he was smirking at you or perhaps looking at you with kindness in his eyes.
- Roman? you asked just as he was about to turn away and exit the room.
- Yeah? he asked and stepped back in.
- Are we going through some kind of rough patch? you asked cautiously with a tone that was filled with sadness and insecurity.
- Why are you asking that? Roman asked in return with a tone that you could neither interpret nor read.
- You just don’t really seem like you… you stammered, paused and then added “…Love me.” You tried to sound as neutral as you possibly could but you had a feeling that no matter how you said it, it would sound like an accusation in Roman’s ears. It wasn’t a matter of ‘if’ he was going to get upset because of your statement but a matter of ‘how strongly’ he was going to react this time.
- I could say the same to you. Roman snapped and scoffed “Oh yeah, true! You don’t even remember me!” he spoke with a voice that made it pretty clear to you that he was hurt and upset. “Guess how that makes me feel” he stated and tilted his head. You couldn’t see his face but you could feel his eyes staring straight at you and ripping your defenses apart.
- I get that you’re hurt, I do… you began sympathetically, swallowing your tears and sniffling every once in a while between the words. You gasped sharply and then continued “…But you don’t seem too happy that I survived.” Roman was silent and therefore you added with a tone that was filled with sadness and regret “It feels like we were nothing but… strangers.”
- Maybe this is how I react to… Roman replied, sniffled once and then continued “…To nearly losing the love of my life.” The statement made you gasp and whimper silently. “And yes, if you must know…” he began, took a deep breath and continued with a calm, somewhat emotionless tone “…We’re having a rough patch.”
It made sense to you now, well, kind of – finally there was a reason to Roman’s cold behavior and the reason kind of made sense. It made sense that he kept his distance both physically and emotionally and also now you understood why your heart didn’t remember Roman even though your mind couldn’t. “That’s why neither of us is wearing our engagement rings” the man said, shifted his gaze elsewhere as he dropped his head and sighed so deep that his shoulders seemed to collapse and it looked like he had lost ten centimeters from his height. He looked burdened and troubled… until he inhaled slowly, perfected his posture and stated assertively “But… I am determined to make it work.” The Roman left the room, closed the door behind him and left you alone in the darkness. You closed your eyes and after listening to the steady beeping sound of the heart monitor, you fell asleep.