Ronan the Accuser / Reader - Part 4
You closed the balcony door, pulled the long curtains in front to the window to block any curious gazes from the neighboring building. After dimming the lights a little, just to set the mood and to make yourself a little bit more comfortable with the idea of getting naked in front of the man who was like a beefy version of a Greek God, you turned to face Ronan and smiled at him shyly. Ronan looked stoic and mystical in the dim lights and the sight made your stomach fill with butterflies. You were nervous and excited at the same time; nervous because you did not quite know what to expect, perhaps Ronan really meant it when he said that he wasn’t gentle, but you were also excited because you had fallen head over heels in love with him and even the thought of kissing him was making your head feel clouded, in a good way.
You took a deep breath as you tried to gather the bits and pieces of your crumbling courage and after hesitating for a split-second you walked to Ronan who was standing in the middle of your living room, wearing dark casual clothes and staring at you with the same confused expression on his face, although now there were hints of irritation and impatience as well. It was quite obvious that just like your tastes in humor were occasionally light years apart, your preferences concerning sex were very different too. You could sense that he was not a romantic lover and this troubled you unconsciously even though you tried to push those arising concerns aside.
Now, the thing was that you were not a big romantic fool; your mindset was quite realistic and you normally did not let your emotions to guide you. However there was a hidden romantic inside you and this daydreamer had always hoped to meet someone strong and gentlemanly. Even though Ronan had not fit that description at first, due to his arrogant as well as threatening behavior in the beginning, his manners had changed after you had tried to provoke him to snap your neck and you knew that he was trying his very best to be kind towards you. After this the romance-hungry side of you had started to develop many kinds of fantasies about Ronan and you had managed to convince yourself that Ronan was in fact just a misunderstood and mistreated, lonely person who would surely be gentle towards the woman he loved.
Therefore the rough groping had shocked you a little although rationally thinking it shouldn’t have come as a surprise at all. However the daydreamer had been caught off guard because Ronan had done something that the romantic side of you had not expected; you had imagined him to be intense, yes, but also very gentle – a man who understood his own strength and therefore was aware of the fact that he had to take it slow as well as to mind his actions at all times just so he wouldn’t hurt you. However he had not, in fact he had behaved in the way you had imagined him to behave before meeting you, boldly and arrogantly, like a rough conqueror and therefore your unconscious mind was now hesitant and cautious while your conscious mind wanted to seize the moment.
It was a strange feeling, not at all what you had assumed; you had expected your rational mind to be the one hesitating and wanting to take things slowly and the daydreamer side being the one ready to jump into Ronan’s arms without any doubts… but it was the other way around. Your rational mind was lured, drawn in, and your romantic side was telling you that you were making a big mistake, taking things too fast and not really thinking what you were getting yourself into. The daydreamer was screaming inside your head that Ronan was not the man you were hoping him to be… that he would hurt you intentionally or unintentionally and letting him close would only leave you heartbroken afterwards. These alarms, justified or not, were swiftly pushed aside by your conscious mind while you took the last steps to cross the remaining space between you and him.
Ronan placed his hands on your waist again. He pulled you closer with one swift and forceful motion, pressing his body firmly against yours, mischievously and sneakily rubbing his private area against your stomach while staring deep into your eyes with that same hungry spark in his once more. You were able to feel his flaccid manhood pressing against you through the layers of clothing but instead of firing passion within you, it made you anxious. You tried to pull away, just discreetly without making a scene or hurting Ronan’s feelings but the truth was that this was not what you had hoped it to be when you had said that Ronan would have to learn to be gentle. However you decided to try taking control of the situation so you placed your hands on Ronan’s chest, guided him to walk backwards and then to sit on the sofa while you sat on his lap, facing him with your both knees on the outside of his thighs. Now you were actually high enough to kiss him as well as to control his actions… a little at least.
You cupped Ronan’s face, very gently, just like you hoped to be touched and leaned closer to kiss the tall, stoic man. Your lips brushed his, only softly at first, occasionally pressing featherlike kisses on the corners of his mouth while you traced his earlobe with your fingertips and cupped his head with your other hand from the other side. You sometimes drew back just a little, still staying close and enjoying his warm breath on your lips with your eyes closed. You brushed your nose against his playfully, leaned closer once more and smiled against his lips, your hand moving from his neck to massage the back of his head with firm, yet gentle and relaxing circular, slow motions. Then finally, when you sensed the tension leaving his shoulders and neck, your other hand moving confidently on them, caressing lovingly and just teaching him what it felt like being touched gently, you pressed your lips against his and engaged his lips into a kiss.
You kissed Ronan only softly, never allowing the kiss grow too hungry or passionate, leaning back every time when Ronan tried to slide his tongue into your mouth. That was not the way you wanted to be kissed right now. You wanted to reassure the daydreamer-side that Ronan was the man you had hoped him to be and so far it was going well; Ronan allowed you to take your time and to regulate the pace. His hands were firmly on your waist, just holding you there, not trying to grope you while his lips moved with yours in perfect unison, never demanding for more than you were willing to give and never making you feel threatened in any way and therefore you decided to shift yourself a little as you slid your hand from his shoulder behind his back, to press your body against his, to feel him closer than before.
A huge mistake.
Suddenly Ronan moved his hands from your waist to your butt, pressed his mouth firmly against yours, his tongue dominating your mouth quite roughly and stood up from the sofa, carrying you and finally slamming you against the first wall. He lowered you to stand on the floor, trapped between the wall and his body, and then locked your hands above your head. He held your hands firmly there with his hand while his other hand moved back to your side, slipped under your shirt and slid higher towards your breasts again. He cupped your breast above your bra, squeezed rather hard again and chuckled against your lips when you whimpered from the sudden action.
Ronan trapped your lower lip between his lips, nibbled it, sucked and finally bit it, and yet again, chuckled at the muffled whimpers that you let out. He kept fondling and groping your feminine curves while his mouth muffled your objections, his hand exploring shamelessly your body and even reaching under the casual home-pants you were wearing. He squeezed your butt cheek and then removed his hand from you. However he just grabbed your hand, while his other hand still kept yours securely locked above your head, and guided you to touch him through his trousers. He moved to assault your neck with his entire mouth, including teeth, and groaned into your ear like a beast when he pressed your hand into his pants and your fingers came in contact with his naked flesh.
- Wait... you said and pulled your hand back. Ronan froze immediately and let go of your hand. His other hand was still squeezing your other hand, holding it firmly against the wall above your head. “…Wait for a moment, please” you pleaded and as soon as you had managed to break free from the tight grip, you gently pushed Ronan away from you and walked a bit further, to gain some physical as well as mental distance, although in a small apartment it felt very challenging to do, except mentally; the tall, blue man seemed like a stranger and it had been many, many weeks since you had felt so distant with him even though, ironically, you had never been this close to him before.
- What now? Ronan asked with a somewhat annoyed tone.
- Slow down. you said and straightened your clothes.
- Why? he asked and rolled his eyes. This was what your daydreamer-side feared; Ronan just did not get it.
- I... you said and hesitated as your eyes met Ronan’s gaze and his expression revealed quite openly just how irritated and frustrated he was getting. “I want to find a deeper connection with you” you said, knowing that Ronan might think that you’re being a ridiculously foolish romantic, talking such nonsense and killing the mood by being too cheesy.
You however did not care because you just wanted to make Ronan understand what you meant. Besides, you wanted to provoke him in order to see what he really thought about the whole thing – intimacy and expressing love through sex, deep down. You needed to know because you had a feeling that your opinions about physical intimacy were totally different from Ronan’s, who most likely had never even longed for being intimately close to anyone, and that made you increasingly anxious. However you were still hoping for the best, of course; you would talk openly and then form a thoroughly-considered opinion about whether there was an issue or not.
- A connection? Ronan asked suspiciously, almost like you had suggested him to play some children’s game. He scanned your expression and rolled his eyes when he realized that you were actually being serious about this. Then he scoffed which made you feel ridiculed and kind of foolish... but you couldn't give up. No, you had to voice your thoughts and hold onto the things that mattered to you - even if it meant that you would ruin the mood.
- Yes, I want to stare deep into your eyes. you stated and sighed as you pleaded Ronan with your eyes as you tried find clues, basically any signs of recognition in his intense gaze. You were hoping that he would understand how much this meant to you but at the same time you feared that it wouldn’t be the case and you were only making a fool out of yourself… in Ronan’s eyes at least. You smiled shyly and continued by saying with a soft voice “…To feel your heartbeat and lose myself into your warm embrace-“
- That might be the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Ronan scoffed and shook his head. He looked annoyed, nearly angry and that scared you a little. You did not want to be scared of Ronan but you were well-aware of the facts; Ronan the Accuser was a strong-willed man, proud, slightly egoistic as well, and you both knew that he was physically stronger than you and therefore it wouldn’t be any trouble for him to dominate you if he so chose. Ronan had changed during the time he had spent with you, yes, but there was no reason why he couldn’t have just gotten back to his old ways. Sure he had said all the right things and learned to respect you… or so you assumed, but still, the time you had known him compared to the time he had been alive was just a blink of an eye and therefore it was a bit too good to be true to just close your eyes and hope for the best.
- I want to surrender myself to... you began, your tone hopeful but also shy and after a rather long pause, you inhaled and added “…Passion.“ You sounded almost embarrassed, like passion and wanting someone were topics that you did not dare to talk about and it required an immense amount of courage and boldness to even say the word aloud – it was difficult to admit that you wanted Ronan… not just mentally but physically as well.
The truth was that you had dreamed about falling passionately in love for a long time but every time there had been a potential guy to fall in love with, you had been too afraid of losing your independence as well as freedom that you had just pushed them away and convinced yourself to believe that it wouldn’t have worked out anyway – you were better off alone. Yet you dreamed about great love, so great in fact that it was terrifying but still… there was a part of you that wanted to experience it. Ronan smirked mischievously with no softness in his eyes and chuckled. He liked the word “surrender”, he liked it a lot and he was very pleased that you had finally gotten the idea. Yes, you would surrender tonight… you would surrender yourself to him.
- Yes, you could start surrendering yourself to me by taking off your clothes... he stated and took a long stride to stand right in front of you. Ronan placed his hands on your waist, turned you around with one rather forceful and effortless action, emphasizing his physical dominance over you, making you stand there facing away from him. He grabbed the hem of your shirt and he added, bending down to speak right into your ear “…Perhaps I should rip them off.” His deep voice sent shivers down your spine, partially exciting you but also doing the opposite, especially when he suddenly shifted his hand from your waist lower and rubbed your womanhood through your clothes quite roughly.
- No! you stated firmly and freed yourself from Ronan’s tight grip once more. You turned to face him and pleaded with a desperate tone “I want to enjoy this, I want to explore this together with you.” You swallowed your negative feelings and mustered a weak smile on your face before you continued “I want to feel you-“
- Oh, you will feel me alright. Ronan said instantly and interrupted you. He smirked at you smugly and growled proudly “You will feel my hard cock penetrating deep into your wet hole-“
- Hole? you asked with a confused tone, not sure if you had heard right. Ronan confirmed this by nodding to which you reacted by scoffing “Hole!” The expression made you feel cheap and to be honest, it had insulted you greatly. Ronan however kept smirking at you and therefore it became quite clear that he did not see anything wrong with speaking to you like that. He even got closer and tried to grab your arm or something; you did not know because you instantly took a step backwards to keep your distance. “Hold on” you said, your head spinning from confusion. Ronan chuckled smugly. For him this was almost like a game; he had had women before who had said “no” but after relentless pursuing and tireless efforts had surrendered themselves to the Accuser.
“They always surrender” he thought silently while staring deep into your eyes. His mind was clouded with lust and therefore he was unable to see as well as realize that you were actually being serious. Besides, if he suddenly went soft like that, he would probably have to admit that his actions towards women had not been very honorable in the past. It had never bothered Ronan, he just did not care… but what if he suddenly woke up from ego-trip and saw you holding back your tears, confused and disappointed – deeply hurt even. But he didn’t. It had been too long since the last time he had had a woman, too long… ridiculously long in fact.
- Kneel and show me what your mouth can do. Ronan demanded. “Suck my blue throbbing cock until it is hard” he spoke and continued, while taking long, shamelessly hungry glances at you “Then I'll fuck you from behind, take you gently.” He chuckled when he said the word “gently” and it was clear to you that he was being sarcastic. Actually the whole “gentleness” –thing was a big joke to him. “You'll be sore tomorrow” he stated with proud smugness.
- Right… no. you stated firmly and folded your arms.
- What? Ronan exclaimed. “Get down on your knees and shut your mouth” he ordered, came a bit closer but stopped when he noticed you backing away immediately. However Ronan chose to believe that you were just playing hard to get; telling him that you didn’t want this while secretly wanting it. He perfected his posture to appear even taller than he actually was and then continued assertively “You may only open to fill it with my-“
- No. you said and shook your head. “This is not going to work for me” you stated with a cold tone that lacked affection completely. Ronan noticed the change in your tone but instead of trying to figure out what had caused it, he got offended and reacted the way he had always reacted before – with arrogance and by taking a superior role.
- You are a woman and I am a man, the Supreme Accuser. he stated smugly and continued with a question “Why should I care what works for you?” You scoffed and rolled your eyes. Just as you were about to reply Ronan gestured you to be silent and said “Hold your tongue, woman.” You clenched your hands into fists and sharpened your gaze to which Ronan responded by letting out a frustrated sigh and stating “Shall I remind you that you were willing-“
- Yes, I was. you said and interrupted the tall, mystical warrior. “I am not anymore and guess what, although this might come as a shock to you…” you spoke with an exaggeratedly low voice and after a quick inhale, you continued firmly “…Here people are allowed to change their minds about having sex.” Ronan’s eyes widened as he stared you in shock. “Even during sex” you added and fought the urge to shift your gaze away from Ronan, to break the eye contact but you had a feeling that the stoic man would take it as a sign of weakness. You had to keep staring at him, to stand your ground.
- Well, that is ridiculous! In my opinion, if a woman has given her consent, the man has a right to take her. Ronan commented and then added “No turning back.” You chuckled bitterly and shifted your gaze elsewhere for a brief moment.
- I can’t fucking believe this. you mumbled with a barely audible tone while staring at the floor until you realized this – breaking eye contact with Ronan, and forced yourself to meet his purple eyes once more.
- Besides I shouldn't even have to ask. A peasant like you should be flattered if a high commander like me wants to fuck you. Ronan stated, apparently insulted due to the rejection and defiance.
- So in other words, you fuck your slave-girls without asking. you spoke with an emotionless, yet rather disapproving tone. Ronan noticed the undertone of disgust in your voice and glared at you.
- It is my right. he stated and then asked “What is the big deal anyway?” You replied to his question with a loud “Ha!” to which he responded by stating “Fucking is just a way to satisfy a basic need.”
- For me it isn't. you said, your voice breaking a little but you still managed to keep yourself together. “Sure, I do enjoy an occasional quickie like any other person, but...” you said and sighed, turned your head away and mumbled with a tone that was filled with disappointment and sadness “…I really wanted it to be special… with you.”
- Special... Gentle... Connection. Ronan scoffed. “Would you like me to wear a dress as well?” he asked mockingly. “You surely are robbing me of my manhood!” he groaned and stared at you angrily. His mind had been clouded by lust before but now it was clouded by anger and therefore he jumped at you, pushed you against the wall and pressed his lips firmly against yours to muffle your objections while his body kept you locked between the wall and him and his hands held yours against the wall so you were unable to resist him.
- Gosh, Ronan! you managed to shout at him when he parted his lips to catch his breath. “You are hurting me, don't you get it?” you shouted with tears in your eyes. “I do not like pain!” you screamed, this shocking Ronan and therefore he released you immediately. You pushed him away, your entire body shaking visibly and after putting as much distance between you and him as possible in your small apartment, you stated with an emotionless tone “You know, whatever, I think it is better that I will sleep on the sofa tonight.”
- Fine. You are the peasant after all. Ronan commented and took a look filled with mockery and scorn at the sofa. “Besides I’m too tall to sleep there” he commented and walked straight into your bedroom, slammed the door shut and a depressing silence fell into the apartment. You walked to the sofa, threw few sofa pillows to the floor, leaving just two softest ones, and grabbed a light blanket which was nowhere as warm as a real blanket but since your pillows and duvet were in bedroom, this had to do for tonight. Tomorrow you would have a serious conversation with Ronan and tell him that he couldn’t stay anymore.
Ronan couldn’t stay because he had crossed a line and failed to see it. The situation would have been different if he had realized it himself that he had hurt you both mentally and physically and apologized but… he had not. He had reverted to his old ways and as much as it hurt you to tell him to go away, you owed yourself to do it. You couldn’t allow him to treat you this way, not anymore, and therefore you had to accept the cruel state of things that Ronan had not changed after all; he still saw you as a peasant with no value and he still thought that he was entitled to bend you to his will, to ignore your needs and desires, to ignore the fact that you were actually just as valuable as he was. You lay down on the sofa and listened to the silence. It filled every corner of your apartment and made you feel heavy, like you had been sinking down into the endless darkness, weighing a ton, perhaps even more.
Then the tears came. They burned your eyes, your cheeks as they rolled down and landed on the pillow, right next to your head. You kept scolding yourself for falling in love with a monster and being such a naïve fool, an idiot who had thought that she could heal the monster’s black soul and make him better. After a couple of hours you ran out of tears completely. You stared at the ceiling, unable to fall asleep and counting minutes to the sunrise. You felt numb and exhausted… but still you were too mentally disturbed to get any sleep. You probably would stay awake the entire night and be an emotional wreck tomorrow. Not a great basis for a serious conversation.
After an hour or two you heard the bedroom door opening and footsteps coming closer. You sat up, hugged a sofa pillow and took a deep breath. You heard Ronan calling your name few times and asking whether you were awake and as a response you turned on a lamp that was on a side table next to the sofa and stared at Ronan standing shirtless wearing his loose pants on his hips and staring at you with a sad expression on his face. You rubbed your eyes and yawned because it was very late, almost early already and even though you had assumed that you wouldn’t be able to sleep at all tonight, tiredness was really kicking in now… perhaps due to the emotional exhaustion that was making you feel numb and heavy – it was a massive, yet invisible weight on your shoulder, a tight corset around your chest, making it impossible to breathe freely, turning your breath into shallow gasps and making you feel weak.
- Can't sleep? you asked with a neutral tone, cautious not to provoke Ronan in any way.
- No. he said and then hesitantly asked “May I sit here?” He pointed at the other end of the sofa. You nodded and watched him like a hawk as he walked to the sofa and sat down. Ronan looked shorter than usual and he looked deeply troubled, almost like his shoulders had been pressed down by a same kind of invisible burden. Seeing him like this made your heart ache but at the same time you did not want to feel compassion towards him… therefore you felt very conflicted about this.
- What's up? you asked, your voice barely audible, breaking the long silence that had followed after he had sat down.
- I... didn't mean to hurt you. I... don't want to hurt you. Ronan spoke with a shaky tone, not daring to look at you. You swallowed once because you felt your emotions building up behind your seemingly calm exterior. You did not want Ronan to apologize because you wanted to hate him but every kind word and act made it more difficult due to the fact that you were in love with him. “Do you think there will be a bruise?” he asked softly and pointed at your arm. You covered yourself with the blanked a little and sighed “Yeah.”
- I would be surprised if not. you added and shifted your gaze elsewhere.
- Oh, I... he began and swallowed with a serious and apologetic expression on his face. “…Did not realize that I was that...” he said and then added, sounding embarrassed “…Rough.”
- You are strong... and... huge! you exclaimed because it was impossible to even think that Ronan did not realize how powerful he was physically. “You could snap my neck with your fingers and crush my bones if you wanted to” you commented, trying to sound as neutral as possible while making a firm point. Ronan gasped as your words hit him; he knew you were right but admitting it was neither easy nor pleasant – it made Ronan feel like a monster.
- I bet you hate me now. he mumbled, not daring to even look at you, except when you were looking elsewhere and even then he turned his head away immediately to avoid eye contact with you.
- I don't hate you, Ronan. you admitted. Hearing this made Ronan sigh in relief but then you continued “But...” which made him hold his breath once more.
- But? he asked shakily.
- Sometimes people are just different, you know? you stated and before Ronan had a chance to comment you continued “We like different things and I don't have the right to tell you that your needs and desires are wrong.” You stopped talking and after a brief pause you added “…Well, as long as you do not harm other people...” this statement stabbing Ronan like a knife. He gasped but stayed silent. “…Just like you cannot tell me that I can't want the things I want, even if they sound ridiculous to you” you spoke with a soft voice that was filled with sadness. “No one is at fault here. We're just different” you stated and turned to look at Ronan. He looked fragile and almost tiny now as he sat on the sofa next to you, his head down and shoulders collapsed.
- I am... sorry... he spoke and turned to look at you, his eyes begging you to forgive him as he kept repeating how sorry he was over and over again. It was obvious that he meant it and hearing him apologizing so sincerely was making you hesitate your own convictions. It was making this situation and your mental turmoil even more difficult to handle like you had planned. Oh yes, you had planned to keep your distance and to stay polite and friendly, not to provoke him in any way but also refrain yourself from giving him hope or sending wrong signals either.
- Sometimes two people love each other... you began, tears falling softly on your cheeks again and after catching your breath enough to speak you said “…But unfortunately... it doesn't automatically guarantee that they are right for each other.” You wiped your cheeks, smiled at Ronan as a reassurance that you did not hate him and then continued with the same soft yet grief-filled tone “Just like... it doesn't mean that they should be together, either.”
- Please… don’t… Ronan gasped and when he did, you realized that his cheeks were also stained from tears. You had a feeling that Ronan the Accuser did not cry that often and therefore this situation must be significant to him as well. The thought comforted you but at the same time you did not want feel sympathy towards him.
- Sometimes love isn't enough. you stated with a neutral voice while bottling your tears and making sure that you wouldn’t crack under his gaze. “The universe has a twisted sense of humor, I suppose” you commented, trying to distance yourself from the heartbreak with such casual statement. Ronan turned his head away as he processed what you had just said; he understood why you felt this way but at the same time he was shocked to hear that you were ready to just give up, ready to accept that there was no future for you and him… that you rejected him because of one mistake. Okay, the mistake had been a huge one but… Ronan had not even considered a possibility that this was the end for you and him.
- So… what now? he asked, his tone shaky and nearly inaudible.
- I think… it is time… for you to leave. you spoke and sighed. “Though it breaks my heart” you thought silently but did not dare to say it aloud. It did not change anything if you told Ronan that letting go broke your heart and therefore it was better to leave as it was – the damage done was too great anyway. Ronan nodded and just as he was about to say something, you gestured him to stay silent and told him that it would be better if he went to bed because you did not want to break down in front of him.
- Besides, you need some sleep before I’m kicking you out. you said and looked at the blue warrior with a cold, emotionless eyes. Ronan got up, stood still for a moment and then sat down, closer this time. Before you were able to react or object, he placed his hand on your jaw and guided you to look at him, very gently this time and said with an assertive, yet affectionate tone
- No.