Thranduil / Reader (13) - Part 6
Your fate was sealed. There was no way around it because even if there was some magic in true love, if indeed true love was capable of breaking curses and saving lives, it wouldn't help you now because it was not true love that Thranduil felt for you. Hell, it wasn't even love. The more you thought about it, the clearer it became that you had seen what you had chosen to see and ignored pretty much all evidence that had stated otherwise. You tried to recall the exact moment when you had abandoned the sense of reality but the more you thought about it, the more convinced you were that there had not been any specific moment; your comprehension of the true state of matters had disappeared somewhere between the first private dinner and the feast of starlight -celebration... and it surely had something to do with the way you had let go of the melancholy that had shadowed your life... well... always.
You ran to your chamber, locked the door and squeezed the key tightly in your hand. You took few shaky steps backwards and then fell to the floor, on your knees to cry. You sobbed in silence for many hours until the sun set and the room became dark. Then you crawled to your bed, lay down, still holding onto the key, and stared at the ceiling while tears kept pouring from your eyes. You did not think that Thranduil had tricked you to have sex with him, oh no, you had wanted it too so there had definitely been a mutual consent and desire to be intimate, but you scolded yourself for assuming that it had actually meant something. Had it been pleasurable? Yes, very. Had you wanted it? Yes, a lot. Would you have done it if you had known that Thranduil did not love you? Possibly, but if you had known, you would have been able to protect yourself from the heartbreak. You could have cared less, been more reserved about the things the king said and did, you could have rehabilitated yourself from your childish and foolish dreams and enjoyed Thrandui's company anyway, just not get so emotionally tangled and invested in it. In theory at least, however real life was so much more complicated than that.
There were no absolute answers in real life, no black and white but many shades of gray in between… and colors as well! Therefore it was impossible to say for certain if it had made any difference had you known that the king wasn’t going to fall in love with you since you were going to leave when the first snow fell. Although the truth was that the whole first-snow --thing sounded like a weak excuse that the king was using to justify his actions. You couldn't know the real reasons because he had not shared them with you but if he had told you that, for example, he was scared of getting hurt or it was difficult for him to let people close due to the death of his wife and the nearly lethal heartbreak that had followed, you would have understood. But now he just stated that there was no point because you were going to leave anyway.
Only if he knew that you were not going to leave, but to… well… die, basically… although you hated the word and therefore rather not even think about it. Besides you didn’t really have a say about that – about either, the deadline or your death, both were beyond your control. It, your nearing end, just was one of those things that happened because some certain actions were taken and those actions had consequences. That was how the world worked and there was nothing you could do to stop it. All you could do was to try to enjoy the little time you had left… and to be happy that the king’s heart wasn’t going to break for you and the grief wasn’t going to kill him. If you really had to go and leave this world as well as your physical form behind, so then... maybe it was for the best; you, after all, did not want the king to suffer. You refused to wish him ill despite his changed attitude and the unfairness of the situation you had been put in.
You were slightly envious at Thranduil, though, you couldn't help it. You wished you could have been just as strong and keep your feelings under control, like he did. It would have been easier like that and perhaps you would have come on top as a winner. But then again, you didn't want to be so cool and calculative like the king... or perhaps you had wanted that for a brief moment but then your anger had cooled down, leaving you with the familiar melancholy. No, you were not angry anymore because it would have been waste of time and energy anyway. You knew you had only limited time left and you wanted to live the life you had left to the fullest, therefore if it meant loving Thranduil without being loved back, you would even though settling with whatever you could get was kind of... sad. But you would do it anyway. Sure, it wasn't fun or even fair, but at least it was something. At least you knew that you had loved passionately, felt intensely and touched lovingly when you had had a chance. You could always look back to this moment and be proud of yourself, even when you were nothing but mist in the forest.
What hurt you, though, more that Thranduil's incapability of loving you back, was to hear him, the man you loved, stating right in your face that the reason he was attracted to you was not that you were a wonderful person and brought him happiness, but because you reminded him of someone else. It meant that, basically, you were nothing but a substitute and that really hurt you. You were able to understand that Thranduil had been alone for a long time and therefore it was not easy for him to let anyone close, no just you but anyone. It made sense, although he had clearly been happy about the attention he had received from you. You also knew that the elves were not hot-blooded by character and it took time for the attachments to form as well as to grow deeper, so keeping that in mind it shouldn't have been a surprise that the king wasn't going to just jump into the deep end with you. This, of course, was all speculation since Thranduil had never talked about these things to you, but you were not dumb or even as naive as Thranduil seemed to assume; you were able to read people, their tones and expressions... but clearly you had not been able to read the king well enough. However, hearing that there was someone else whom Thranduil cared more about than you, even though he had never even met her, was a hard thing to swallow.
There were few knocks at the door during the evening and the following night but nothing sparked a reaction in you. You just kept staring at the ceiling, even when you couldn't see the ceiling anymore due to the darkness, you still did, unable to sleep or steer your thoughts towards more positive thoughts. At some point you rolled on your side and stared at the door while guarding the key, almost like you had been afraid that it would disappear if you did not squeeze it tightly. You did not want anyone to enter the room because you wanted to get yourself emotionally sorted out before facing the king. You wanted to reach a state of mind where you wouldn't break down or show your true feelings because in your opinion Thranduil did not deserve to know what you really felt. You wanted to be on the same level with him, to push him away so he couldn't hurt you anymore. But you weren't quite there yet.
Then the morning came and you had not slept at all. Your eyes were swollen and bright light made them ache, you were generally exhausted and your mood was low, besides, you were very hungry because you had skipped dinner yesterday due to self-isolation. You got up from bed, washed your face and after changing your clothes, you walked to the door, unlocked it and finally, after thinking about it for a moment, you pressed the handle and opened the door. You were greeted by a sight that you had not expected to see; the king sitting on the floor in the hallway, looking quite distressed and tired. It was quite clear that he had not slept last night.
Your assumption was right; the king had come to your door at some point of the evening, knocked many times and after getting tired of walking back and forth in the corridor, he had sat down to wait and ended up sitting there for the entire night. The king was not sure if he wanted to fix things with you just because he wanted to enjoy your company, it had been very delightful, pleasurable and highly satisfying, especially the physical side, or did he want to make things right because of some other reason. Perhaps he cared more than he thought or maybe he just felt guilty for the things he had said. You tried to read him but all his appearance gave out was that he had been up all night, nothing more and that annoyed you greatly because he looked pretty much as handsome as always.
Thranduil stood up, straightened his robe and scanned you from head to toes. He noticed that you looked exhausted and sad… deeply troubled as well and he tried to decide whether or not point it out. You stood at the doorway for a moment wondering what the hell were you supposed to do now, especially since you had nothing to say to the king; he had made his opinion about you as well as his feelings, or lack of feelings, towards you completely clear yesterday so you didn’t really know why he had even come and spent the night at your door. Had Thranduil come to apologize? Did you expect him to? Did you want him to take it back? Would it make any difference, if he did? No, it wouldn’t or if it did, you didn’t really care and therefore you decided to ignore him and walk past him without even greeting him.
- You look terrible, my lady. Thranduil said when you walked past him. You however already knew it and therefore the statement did not get any reaction out of you; you looked deeply annoyed, yet just as annoyed before the statement which meant that it had not made any difference to you and this irritated as well as bothered the elf. “It is quite obvious that you haven’t slept” he stated and after a brief pause, he added with a somewhat annoyed tone “I have not either.” You reacted to the statement by making a “blah-blah-blah” –gesture with your hand to which the king responded with a scoff. You however did not bother to look at him – he wasn’t worth it.
- How could I when… he spoke with a neutral, yet rather cold tone, keeping his eyes fixed upon you, monitoring you constantly while continuing “…I had to sit on the floor the entire night.” The statement made you roll your eyes but since you were facing away from the tall, regal elf, he couldn’t see you doing so. However he sensed that his statement was met with mockery and scorn, maybe even ridiculing amusement.
You continued ignoring the king as you walked down the corridor and listened to the sound of his assertive footsteps, following you, challenging you and demanding you to pay attention. It was a strange situation because you did not want to turn around and look at Thranduil due to your own conviction – it was a principle of yours not to give him the satisfaction of having you watching him while he was talking to you. However at the same time you were deeply in love with the elvenking; the king who was so hauntingly beautiful that you had fallen in love with him at first glance and keeping in mind that you had only a limited amount of time left, you wanted to admire him while you still could. Therefore you stopped and turned around to face the king.
Oh, how handsome he was! Oh, how it – his overwhelming presence, made your heart ache! Oh, how you missed him already! It was the realization that soon you would have to let him go… to let everything go; your life, your physical form... hopes and dreams… perhaps even your spirit. Or perhaps not – maybe your spirit remained until it faded away into an endless darkness, to a silent loneliness… forever trapped between the worlds, to haunt the forest as a whisper, as frost on the ground and mist in the air… and there was no way for you to tell him, no way to talk about it, no possibility to voice your fears and give name to the shadow that troubled your spirit. Although what difference would it even make? What could you say? There was nothing left to be said, so no, it made no difference that you couldn’t speak. Besides, perhaps it was easier like this.
Facing the king was the hardest thing you had ever done, or so it felt. You loved Thranduil with every fiber of your being, still desperately hoping that he would come to his senses and love you back… or at least, if not, you could give up your affections and care… less. You wanted to fall into a state of comfortable numbness, just go with the flow… and sometimes, for brief moments it felt like you could actually do it – to let him mentally go already and enjoy the last remaining weeks physically. However when you looked at him you were confronted by his ethereal beauty and it reminded you brutally and mercilessly of your deep love… which had suddenly changed into deep, heartbreaking pain and bitter disappointment.
- Why did you not answer the knock? Thranduil asked when you had finally stopped and turned around to look at him. The king was able to sense that you were surrounded by deep sadness, such endless sorrow that felt like a bottomless void, staring back at the tall elf and making his skin crawl, reminding him of himself after the death of his wife – almost like looking into a mirror and being terrified of what he saw. However he did not let it bother him too much even though he felt slightly guilty for your darkened state, knowing that it was mostly, if not entirely, due to the conversation he had had with you yesterday.
- You should always answer when your king is knocking. he stated and cleared his throat.
“This is pointless” you thought, shook your head and turned away because you did not need this. Oh no, you had bigger things to worry about and court etiquette and polite manners were not among them. First of all it was a terribly hot morning; the air was dry and the sun was shining from a cloudless sky almost like it was midsummer when actually it was the beginning of autumn. It was unnatural and such weather was making your head feel like it was about to explode and secondly you had neither time nor interest for such insignificant details.
- Are you ignoring me now? What is this nonsense? Thranduil asked with a soft groan. “You are being ridiculous and… rude” he stated and watched you walking assertively along the hallway, not showing any signs of stopping or even looking at him over your shoulder.
- Oh, now you’re just walking away from me. the king shouted but did not put any effort in catch you. “So arrogant!” he exclaimed and yelled after you “Don’t you have anything to say for yourself?” You picked up the pace and disappeared behind the nearest corner, just to catch your breath for a second. It felt like you couldn’t breathe, like your dress was too tight around your chest and crushing your lungs, although you knew that it was not the case. You were anxious and it was causing this nearly panicky state – it was all in your head. You heard the king stating “This is unacceptable!” just before he turned the corner and caught up with you. He nearly bumped into you because he had assumed you to be far away already. That was the reason why he had raised his voice.
- Now, shall I deal with you here out in the open or in private? he asked after stepping in front of you and trapped you between a wooden door and himself. You felt his warmth radiating and surrounding you like you had been submerged into pleasantly warm water… like you had arrived home. You stared deep into the king’s eyes and decided to live in the moment. You promised yourself to just go with the flow without worrying about the future so you could be happy for the last remaining weeks of your life. The king noticed the sudden change in your attitude and sharpened his gaze as he tried to figure out what was going on with you. “Very well” he said, grabbed your arm firmly yet careful not to harm you, opened the door behind you and pushed you in. He entered the pitch-black room and closed the door behind him. The only thing you had managed to see during the brief moment when the door had been open was that the room was a closet of some kind, perhaps a small storage room for cleaning supplies like brooms and such.
The king pushed you against the closed door, pressed his body against yours and slammed his lips on your mouth. He kissed you passionately, wrapped his arms around you and occasionally pulled your hair lightly to shift the position of your head according to his desires. He massaged your scalp while his lips devoured the skin of your neck, sucking, licking and nibbling, satisfying his hunger allowing his desires to guide him. Thranduil mumbled into your ear with a deep, sultry voice that having you naked in his bed was the only thing he could think about and this physical need was too much to ignore. He moved to kiss your lips, sometimes just teasing and brushing yours with the tip of his tongue and sometimes surprising you by sliding his tongue into your mouth quite arrogantly while his lips were pressed firmly against yours. His hands roamed freely on your body, reaching under your dress and easily locating all the sensitive parts that longed to be touched.
You responded to the king’s caresses with the same wildness, sucked his tongue and bit his lip whenever you had a chance to do so. Your fingers opened the clasps of the king’s tunic quite easily and when you had reached the hem of the garment you moved to open the ribbons of his trousers. The king moaned every time you touched him, this encouraging you to do more, to be more daring and bolder, so you slid your hand under the fabric of his dark pants and caressed him until he was ready to take it further. The king lifted you to sit on the edge of a small storage table, lifted the hem of your dress up to your hips and chuckled smugly when he realized that you had not put on any underpants today. He rubbed himself against you, stimulating all the right places and driving you insane with anticipation and then entered you with an intense thrust.
Thranduil captured your lips into a heated kiss to muffle any moans and other sounds that might have escaped your lips or his. He kissed you deeply, passionately and with such intensity that it got you addicted – addicted to him, addicted to fulfilling one’s desires and giving into them no matter what. It did not matter that your life was about to end soon because you were alive now… alive and loved. Well, kind of anyway. You tangled your fingers into the king’s silver hair as well as the collar of his tunic and wrapped your legs around his hips to have him as close as possible, to keep him forever and to own him for now. When you kissed his neck, you had to keep yourself from leaving marks, although you would have loved to leave evidence of your ownership.
The king grinded himself into you, devoured your neck and nibbled your earlobe. He opened the ribbons of your dress just enough to slide his hand under the fabric to caress your breast before shifting his both hands on your waist and keeping you firmly at your place while he pulled out and slammed himself all the way in, repeating this many times and then starting to pound and thrust himself with such intensity that it did not take long for him to reach his release like this. “Touch yourself” he demanded and after rubbing yourself and providing delicious stimulation on the most sensitive spot of your body, you felt yourself clenching around the king and then letting go entirely. You buried your face into the king’s neck and wrapped your arm tightly around him, just to keep him close for a moment more.
Thranduil stood between your legs, still inside you, until your and his breathing had turned back to normal. He pulled himself out and teased your throbbing flesh with his before pulling his trousers up and the hem of your dress down. He handed you a handkerchief and spoke into your ear with a mischievous, deep voice “I suggest you’ll clean yourself a little, Eithel-nín…” he said and then added “…It would be a shame to see your pretty dress getting stained from my seed… and your sweet juices.” He told you to meet him later at his private quarters and left the storage room quickly because he knew that he was already late from his meetings. You straightened your dress, took a deep breath and left the room about ten minutes after the king.
From this moment on you engaged yourself into a very passionate and entirely physical relationship with the tall, stoic elf. You spent few nights in a week in the king’s private bedroom and he sneaked in to spend some in your bed. You met in secret and burned in the flame of desire and hunger, insatiable and refusing to feel ashamed of taking what you wanted and giving yourself to the king in every way possible. The king was your drug and you were addicted and as the autumn progressed, the days remaining unnaturally sunny and dry, you did your very best to live every day like it was your last.
The garden of Mirkwood and the forest surrounding it were dying due to the lack of rain.
The change was so rapid and sudden that it shocked the elves who had gotten used to the constant rumble of the river. The river that was now nearly dry and an eerie silence surrounded the palace of Mirkwood. The leafs, the grass and the bushes were turning brown and not into bright autumn colors like they usually did during this time of the year. The flowers had already died and the crops failed due to this severe lack of rain… ever since the conversation that taken place after the celebration. This was the reason why you avoided going out now; you hated the feeling of dry grass under your bare feet, you hated the silence as well as the subtle sound of dry leafs rustling in the wind. Besides the air was filled with dust and you always felt weak after a stroll in the garden – lifeless… and nearly dead.
Then the weather started to get colder and it was obvious that it was only a matter of days or a week at most that the first snow would fall, although you knew that as long as it did not rain, there would be no snow either. However this did not comfort you, oh no, these few possible extra days or weeks did not bring you any joy because you were getting exhausted. You, as a creature of water, were suffering from the lack of rain just like the nature was and what it made even worse was the fact that you knew it in your bones that you were the one to blame for the current sad state of the Mirkwood forest. You come to realize during the summer that it rained a lot when you were happy… and it did not rain at all when you were filled with sorrow.
During the past three months you had managed to convince yourself that you were making most of the days you had left and fairly content with your life as it was but the truth was that you were dying from the inside, getting silently consumed by the bottled grief, bitterness and disappointment, so in a way you had started to wait for the first snow fall. It was also getting tiring not to be able to express yourself with words because sometimes, well, most of the times, the things you wanted to talk about were too complex to even try to express with gestures and expressions. You wanted to talk about the meaning of everything, life, whether there was a bigger plan behind it all or if it was just random… a series of events that happened uncontrollably and to which you could only react in the best way possible. You wanted to ask Thranduil what his opinion was on the topic and if he was going to miss you after you had… left. Would he feel your presence in the forest when he closed his eyes or would you be entirely gone?
You woke up one night to a sudden ache. You sat up, took a quick glance at the king sleeping next to you and then got up from bed. You covered your naked form with a silky dressing gown and walked to the window that was currently covered with long, heavy curtains. You took a look outside and were met with pale moonlight and few ice flowers decorating the window from the outside. You knew you were living on borrowed time… in fact… it was the time so you walked to Thranduil, pressed a kiss on his forehead and then left his private chamber. You sneaked along the corridors and hallways, through the rooms and halls to your chamber, got dressed to the long coat that the elven lady had given you when you had been discovered in the forest.
You took off the few jewelries the king had gifted you, folded the dressing gown neatly on the back of a chair and exited the palace from the backdoor of your chamber. You walked through the garden and headed into the forest, letting your feet steer you in the darkness and sometimes stopping to make sure that no one was following you. The forest was silent, waiting… dormant. It was not the forest you loved… no… you had ruined it with your greed and the incapability to let go and you could feel the trees watching you with animosity.
When you cried, the tears froze on your cheeks, reminding you that normally the first snow had fallen already. It was nearly mid-December and during the previous millenniums the ground had been covered with snow by now. It had gotten cold when the days had gotten shorter, freezing the roots of many delicate flowers that would have been normally covered and protected by the snow… but not this year. The nature was screaming for water and blaming you for bringing so much death upon the green realm. You walked the rest of the night, the morning, the entire day and by the evening you found yourself by the familiar forest pond.
Thranduil slept until the sunrise, his dreams haunted by restless images of creatures with glowing blue eyes, floating all around him, preying on him and waiting for him to drown. Then he was approached by the most beautiful spirit he had ever seen and somehow he understood that he was being saved even though he had passed out by then. In the dream he saw himself from your perspective and all of a sudden he realized that you were the spirit in the pond, his savior… it had always been you, Eithel-nín. Thranduil stormed out into the garden that was now filled with mist and frost. He called your name but got no answer, just a feeling that you were… gone. The ground was white from the first snow and his heart was filled with overwhelming loneliness. Now he understood what you had tried to tell him; you were from the pond in the forest and because you did not belong in this world, you would be gone by the first snow. It was not something that you could decide, in fact, you had no say over your fate, but most importantly, you weren’t going to leave but… cease to exist.
The king collapsed on his knees to the snow and made a promise that he would never leave the forest. He would walk among the mist during the summer mornings and admire the frosted trees during the winters. He would do this to be closer to you… and perhaps one day he would join you, if he should be lucky enough. Maybe in few thousand years his spirit would get tired and he would lay down, fall asleep for the last time and float away… but he would never leave the forest. Of this he was certain. The king went through in his mind every moment he had spent with you and now it was obvious to him; you were… or had been the woman he had been drawn to. No other. Just you.
Thranduil woke up and stared at the ceiling with wide eyes. He sighed relieved and mumbled “What a strange dream” as he reached out to brush your hair but found your side of the bed completely empty. Thranduil got immediately up, left the bed and shouted your name, hoping to find you having breakfast in his sitting room… but you were nowhere to be found. The king opened the curtains and noticed the ice flowers glimmering in the sunlight. Suddenly he remembered the dream, every part of it and after getting dressed he ran to your chamber, found the dressing gown as well as the jewelries neatly left behind and the garden door slightly ajar.
The king stormed into the forest, called his elk and hopped on it as soon as it had arrived. He knew exactly where he would find you and he hoped that he wouldn’t be too late. He rode as fast as he could and arrived to the pond soon after the sunset. He hopped off and told his elk to wait nearby, walked along the narrow pathway that was covered with round white stones that resembled your skin. It was unbelievable that the king had not noticed the similarity before and he scolded himself for it. Then he saw you and his heart stopped for a moment, or so it seemed.
- Eithel-nín. he said and walked closer when you turned to look at him. Your face was stained with tears and your eyes were filled with unbearable grief.
- What…? the king asked but his question was instantly answered when he saw the pond, nearly dry due to the tall trees that had reached their roots into it and used the water to survive the extreme draught. There had been a balance in the forest but it was now broken and everything was dying.
- It is not your fault. Thranduil said firmly, although he was just starting to grasp the severity of the situation; the forest he loved so deeply was dying because he had been too blind to see that you were the woman he had loved all this time. He had also been too greedy and blinded by his desires to understand that while you seemed to enjoy yourself and the casual yet physical relationship you and the king had shared for these passed months, you had been deeply unhappy, dying even, but successfully bottled it inside you.
A snowflake fell down from the skies and landed on your palm.
- I know everything. Thranduil said and stepped closer. “I know… you. I know who you are” he said, wrapped his arms around you and collapsed on his knees to the small beach by the pond. You sat on his lap and closed your eyes as the tears fell down on your cheeks and turned into ice. “And I love you, Eithel-nín” he spoke softly, pressing soft kisses on your forehead between the words, his lips feeling burning hot against your skin. He told you about the dream he had had and explained how he had come to realize everything… that he, indeed, had nearly drowned and you had saved his life. He had also realized that you were the woman in the lake… the one whom he had sense and dreamed about… all this time. He told you that he knew that you were not happy and he was sorry for it and just before you fell asleep, he made a promise that he would never leave this forest. He would sit quietly and listen to the wind, feel the mist on his skin and adore every ice flower from this very day to the very last.
Thranduil lay you on the beach and lay down beside you. He would have loved to hold you close but you were turning cold now and it was obvious that your spirit had left already and therefore it was too painful to embrace you. The elf was exhausted, burdened with grief and loss but also thankful that he had managed to find you just in time – at least you knew that he was sorry and loved you, even though he was unable to change the outcome. Now the first snow was falling and the snowflakes were covering the forest very rapidly. The elf closed his eyes but just as he did, he reached out to take your hand, so cold and lifeless… turning into snow under his touch and then fading away like you had never existed, leaving the coat empty on the beach of the small forest pond.
Hours passed and the snow kept falling
Suddenly a sound of ice breaking
Erratic and violent gasps
Splashes, more gasps and soft cries
Someone crawling out of the pond and collapsing on the white stones, still halfway in the water
The first rays of sun waking up the king, now laying next to an elven lady