Thranduil / Reader (10) - Part 2
My lips explore yours slowly and intimately, with great care and unlimited patience. I have loved you for almost four thousand years and even though I do not want to wait any longer, I want to do this right; I want to court you honorably and with transparent motives so you'll finally understand how deep my feelings for you really are, how deep they have been all this time. I want you to know that I would have asked you to marry me when we were young and marrying you is still my intention. However I will settle with courtship for now because you, my love, are not well and that is what I need to take care of first.
I continue kissing you gracefully with all the time in the world, there is no hurry and this time I will not let you go so easily. I love your lips, so soft and delicate, and I do my very best to adore, cherish as well as worship them with mine with great care and attention to detail, just like you deserve, with my full focus on you. Nothing else, neither troubles of this realm nor the sorrows of the past will distract me now. Oh no, my love, I am all yours and you have my undivided attention.
I want you to forget the horrors of war and focus on me and on our future together, perhaps that way your spirit will start healing and you will be able to let go all the nightmares that haunt you at night. I cup your face with my hands and hold you like a precious flower as I try to shield you from the chilly winds with my form. I am so much taller and larger than you are and therefore I am more than willing to be your shield, a steady fortress sheltering you from the troubles of this world so nothing will hurt you anymore.
You are so tensed up, my Lady, and I do not know what I should do to make you relax a bit. I know this is new for you and therefore you are nervous but, my love, there is nothing to be nervous about, let me assure you with gentleness and sincerity of my actions. I would never step over boundaries of appropriate behavior or violate your honor in any way. You know this, don't you? I truly wish, with all my heart, that you know that I only want what is best for you, to cherish you and to make your life here a happy one. You have gone through so much, my love, but this is the end of hardships and suffering. No more. This I promise you.
Finally we part our lips and when we do, I immediately wrap my arms around you and pull you close. I want to embrace you, to make you warm again because, truthfully, I am getting increasingly worried for your well-being. You are so awfully pale and your skin is too cool... almost cold... and now that I think about it, I noticed already earlier today that you have dark circles under your eyes and you look exhausted, my love. So I guide you to rest your head against my chest and run my fingers slowly up and down on your back as I breathe you in and thank Valar and also Legolas for bringing you home to me.
I am undecided whether I should ask you about the things that haunt you or not; I want to trust you to open up to me about anything when you are ready but then again, I do not know if I can. You after all kept such a big secret from me all these years, although I understand why you did it. It is apparent that being unable to have children has left painful scars to your soul and therefore you chose to reject me which, combined with your unwillingness to talk about the reasons behind the rejection then pushed me to marry another.
No, I am not blaming you for anything, my love. Getting married was my own decision and partially due to my incapability to deal with the heartbreak. I was too proud to fight for you... for us... and my bruised ego just wanted to move on and forget about the embarrassment. However I wish you had told me sooner. I wish you had trusted me enough to do so, but then again, I suppose you did not want my pity, especially since I was the captain of the guard and you were my right hand. My strong, tough and brave warrior.
Perhaps the thing that hurt you more than being unable to get pregnant, was actually knowing that I was expected to produce an heir, in other words, to have a child to ensure the continuation of my bloodline and to have a legitimate ruler on the throne of Mirkwood in the future too. Sure, the elves are immortal but soon after that night we, you and I, followed my father, King Oropher, to war from which he never returned home. That must have proved to you that engaging me into a marriage that would not secure the future of Mirkwood would be wrong, perhaps even treason in your opinion. Perhaps knowing that you couldn't give me what I needed was the thing that hurt you more than anything else.
But is there something else that bothers you, my love? I suspect that there is. So much has happened after all... so much death you have witnessed during your years out in the wide world that was doomed to darkness. I want to ask you what it is but at the same time I feel that this is not the right time to do so. You need rest and that is what I'm going to give you. I have ordered my servants to prepare a room for you and tonight, my Lady, I shall sit next to your bed and guard your sleep. I desire nothing more than to be there for you if you should wake up in the middle of the night, to comfort you and help you to fall asleep again.
I hold you and the longer I have my arms embracing you, the more relaxed you become. Your breathing calms down as well as your heartbeat and I sense that you feel less anxious than you felt a moment ago, which is all I want for now. I want you to find peace so you can see the beauty of life once more - I want you to feel sunshine on your face and feel the warmth filling you with hope, I want you to trust me, trust us, have faith that we'll get through this and grow stronger, together. Yes, my love, you'll always have me by your side, in sorrow, when the skies are filled with dark clouds and a cold wind blows, and also when world is filled with sunshine and happiness. Even when you try to push me away, I will be there for you, give you space to figure it out, if that is what you want and need, but know this nevertheless, you can always count on me.
- You must be exhausted, my love. I say and press a soft kiss on top of your head while I run my fingers up on your back, to your shoulders and down along your arms. I tangle my fingers with yours and squeeze your hands gently and for my relief, you actually squeeze back. This brings me great joy because now I know that you are willing to give us a chance.
- I am a bit hungry, actually. you say and chuckle a little. Yes, I recall immediately that you did not finish even half of your plate during the dinner, just pushed the vegetable pieces around with your fork, hoping that no one would notice, pay too much attention to you or ask any questions. I, however, decide not to point this out. "I know you noticed that I did not finish my plate" you comment and breath me in. You make a subtle "Mmm" -sound which tells me that you enjoy being held like this and you confirm this by stating that I feel good. It makes me smile and I hold you even closer if that is even possible. "You smell nice" you sigh but as soon as you realize what you said, you get awfully tensed up and take a step backwards.
Something is wrong. You take a hesitant, quick glance at me and then turn your head away as if you were trying to avoid the awkward situation... but can't you see, my love, there is nothing awkward about any of this. I have been dreaming about holding you for so long, don't you know it by now? Therefore it fills my heart with sorrow to see you like this - so ashamed and confused. You're clearly embarrassed for behaving in such casual way because in your mind I still am your superior, your king, and your purpose is to obey my commands and to serve me loyally. I do not blame you for it because the last time I saw you, you were one of my most trusted commanders and the teacher of my son, the last time we spoke, there was nothing between us but hidden longing and bitterness. You clear your throat, straighten your beautiful and festive dress and perfect your posture, like a guard in duty.
I understand very well why you drew back like you did, although I wish you had not done so because I really love the way your body feels against mine - your heart beating calmly under your rib cage, your chest rising and falling according to your inhales and exhales and your cheek rubbing softly against my chest every time you move. I love how this closeness makes you real - you are the one I lost and I feared that I lost you for good, having you in my arms made us real. I gave me new hope and filled my heart with love despite I had assumed that I could never feel like this again. I truly wish you had stayed in my arms for a while longer - stay forever, my love.
- Hungry, you say. I say and smirk at you, hoping that you would relax a little. You chuckle a little and smile, it is not the widest and the most joyous smile I have ever seen but it is a start and it resembles the smiles that used to leave me breathless. Oh, how I miss those smiles, my love, the smiles that cleared my mind from any rain clouds, shadows and worries and brought back the warmest sunshine. Yes, your smile has that power and therefore it makes me sad that you have lost it. However, I believe it is only missing and we well find it, just wait and see.
- I know that look. you state, tilt your head as you fold your arms and then add with a suspicious tone "You're up to something."
You even look suspicious, your eyes are scanning my face as you try to find clues from my expressions; it is the guard in you, always searching for answers and solving riddles as well as mysteries. That is why it was always you who interrogated the trespassers and I admired that skill of yours - the skill to see more than your opponent wanted to let on. You also have the patience which I lack; I am a patient man, but sometimes I have a bad habit of being hasty with my actions. Like that one time when I set the orc free before it answered all questions that could have been asked if I had not... cut its head off so swiftly... even my own son questioned my actions then... right... well, moving on.
I know that I cannot lie to you because you can read me… you have always been able to see beyond my stoic exterior and I love and fear you for that. I love you for it because it makes me feel that you understand me, that I can be the man I am with you, nothing less and nothing more, and it is enough. I love you for it because you see me, the person I truly am under all this nonsense and pompousness but still you want to stay by my side. You are the only one who can see me like this; defenseless, vulnerable and entirely stripped from great accomplishments, glorious feats and fancy titles. You respect them, of course, but at the same time you know immediately if I am trying to pretend something that I am not.
However I also fear you due to this ability of yours because you are capable of reading me even when I try my hardest to hide from you, to keep secrets from you... even when I think that it is for your own good. I fear you for it because you sometimes see me at my weakest even though I try to act strong and indestructible. This rarely happens but when it does, I wish I was strong enough to face you bravely and not to fear what you might see and what you might think of me. I fear you because you could use my weaknesses against me, although I know, you never would. Now, can't you see how great power you have over me?
You are right; I came up with a plan but that plan needs a little bit of time to execute and therefore I just pretend that I have no idea of what you are talking about. So sneaky of me, I know, but I am absolutely certain you will enjoy this surprise and therefore I will not tell you what is on my mind even though you keep monitoring me constantly with that suspicious and very curious look on your face. You know that something is up but as long as I keep my cool and refuse to tell you, despite of all your efforts to read me and fish out the answers like that, you cannot actually read my mind... and therefore my secret will be safe with me, for now.
- Who? Me? I ask with a tone that is as innocent as possible, take your hand and lead you back inside, to the palace. I call a servant and tell her to arrange a full meal to your chamber and a hot bath with relaxing bath oils and a carafe of mild wine. You tell me that a piece of lembas-bread would be enough and you do not want to cause any trouble but I interrupt you with a simple gesture.
- Nonsense! Lembas is a waybread. I state and then continue by saying "You are not traveling anymore." You walk by my side but for some reason you seem a bit hesitant as we wander through the long corridors and great halls. I squeeze your hand a little bit tighter and add "You are home now" with a warm, reassuring tone, hoping that you agree with me. I however cannot read you, not as well as I would want and therefore all I can do is hope.
- Home. you sigh and stop when we walk past an altar that has been set to honor every life lost during the war. There are candles and flowers, letters and drawings from elves whose loved ones did not return home from the battle. Suddenly you pull your hand away from mine and remove a flower from your hair. You bow your head as you walk to the altar and place the flower next to a candle. You stare at the sea of flickering lights for many minutes in silence until I call you by your name and you recoil from your thoughts.
When you turn to look at me I see that you have shed few tears but once more you wipe your cheeks as quickly as you can, perfect your posture and continue walking forward, this time keeping your arms folded so I cannot reach out and take your hand. Why don't you let me close, my love? Why will you not share it with me, the horrors that shadow your mind so and make life and survival seem like a big burden that you have been cursed to carry? I must admit that I understand how you feel because there was a time when I felt the same way. I felt that a big part of me had died with people I had lost and due to this loss, life seemed to lose its value completely. When I look at you now I see myself in your eyes... the same exhaustion, the same sorrow... the same death wish. But... I also know that there is a way out even though this maze of shadows and suffocating pain seems endless and impossible to beat. I know that the night is always the darkest before the dawn... the new morning will come, the sun will kiss your face with its golden rays once more and you'll get through this, my brave warrior.
We arrive to your new chamber, it is much bigger and finer than your old one and it is located closer to my private quarters. I give you a tour, show you the bathroom, the bedroom and the dressing room and then sit down with you to your private sitting room to wait for your dinner to arrive. There is a fireplace with two comfortable armchairs and a small dining table, perfect for casual private dinners. The room is beautiful, it has been decorated with warm colors and there are big windows that bring the nature closer; it feels almost like you were in the garden, surrounded by old trees, flowers and little streams. However I sense that the view into the darkness makes you anxious so I get up and close the curtains - there is more privacy like this anyway.
The servant brings two plates and sets the table for both of us. We eat and occasionally there is even a casual, lighthearted conversation between us. You finish the plate this time while I am unable to finish mine since I already ate during the dinner but I am glad to have shared this moment with you. A maid enters the room and brings towels, a dressing robe and a nightgown for you to use, makes the bath ready, cleans the table and then leaves us alone once more. You get up and walk into the bathroom, I follow you but keep my distance because I do not wish you to feel threatened in any way. You bend down to feel the warm bathwater with your fingertips and sigh as the warm water caresses your skin.
- Do you want me to call the maid to help you get undressed? I ask, my voice trembling because I cannot help imagining you in that bathtub, relaxed and naked. Such hauntingly beautiful sight to behold for sure.
- No need. you sigh with a barely audible tone and then add "You can help me, can't you?"
- Of course! I exclaim and hope that I didn't sound too eager. "Please, turn around" I say and walk to you. I gather your hair, careful not to touch your skin, and place it neatly on your right shoulder. I open the knot of the lacing and start to pull the ribbon off very slowly, loosen the bodice of your dress enough for the garment to fall to the bathroom floor. You step out of it, still wearing your undergarments and pick up the dress, place it on a chair and wait silently, still facing away from me while you stand between me and the bathtub.
- May I? I ask and after you have granted me a permission to open the lacing of your corset, I start to do so very carefully, slowly exposing the skin of your back and all your battle scars. I pull the garment off, this action leaves you to stand in front of me topless and I trace the biggest scars with my fingertips, barely touching you. I feel you shivering, perhaps you’re cold… but just as I am about to call the maid to light up the fireplace, I realize that you are actually crying silently.
- Do you wish me to go? I ask with a barely audible tone. I hope you will say “no” because I really want to stay with you to make sure that you’ll be alright and to comfort you somehow, but I do not think you will. I think you will tell me to go and it will break my heart if I must leave you like this – broken, cold and hopeless. You do not answer, you just cry softly in front of me while I stare at your back and try to imagine all those battles that you have faced. You did not have these scars when you left Mirkwood, my love. I know because I used to watch you bathing even though I was supposed to keep guard.
- Do you want to go? you ask after a long, depressing silence.
- No. I sigh and continue immediately “I do not think you should be alone right now.”
- Then stay. you say, shiver and rub your arms to keep yourself a bit warmer.
- The bath will warm you up. I say and turn around to give you privacy while you remove the rest of your undergarments. I hear your petticoat sliding down and after a moment you step into the water. I wait a bit longer and then turn around.
You sit in the bathtub, hugging your legs tightly against your chest and stare at the opposite end of the bathtub. I collect your undergarments and place them on the chair and lift the chair next to the bathtub, to face you so I can talk to you while maintaining eye contact with you. I notice immediately that your eyes are filled with tears and there are visible traces of tears on your cheeks, still falling from your sorrow-filled eyes one by one. I test the water to make sure that it is warm but not too hot, the action causing ripples to spread on the surface of the water. You recoil from your thoughts and shift your gaze from the bathtub to me, your mouth slightly open, lower lip trembling subtly as you gasp through the mental pain.
- Do you… I begin and then pause. I do not know how to put my thoughts into words without sounding too intrusive, but I must try. “…Want to talk about it?” I ask hesitantly and wait for your answer. You turn your head and when you do, I notice terrible bruises on your neck. Suddenly I feel terribly angry; someone… some disgusting creature has had their filthy hands around your delicate neck and by the looks of the bruise, you have been very lucky to survive the attack. I let my gaze wander on your skin, on your shoulders, arms and legs, on any parts that are exposed and count the scars silently. Your expression changes from sorrowful to defiant because you know that I have noticed all those marks of your past, all those mementos that surely remind you of the horrors of war and the pain of losing your friends on the battlefield. You shake your head and stare into my eyes directly. You lower your legs and reveal your torso to me, your beautiful curves, but when I look closer, I notice that you have an injury that has not even healed properly yet; a wound from a stabbing or perhaps from an arrow, it is impossible to tell, but the injury looks painful and perhaps even slightly infected.
- What happened? I ask, more directly this time and there is urgency in my voice. I demand to know… I demand to know everything, but I do not dare to push you too hard. You pull your legs back against your chest and sniffle, turn your gaze elsewhere and bite your lip.
- You cannot possibly find me beautiful anymore. you say with a barely audible tone, still refusing to look at me and then add bitterly “With all these scars. I am ugly… and broken.” Your statement shocks me. Is that what you really think? Do you think that I am so shallow? Don’t you really understand how much I love you? Don’t you know that I have been dreaming about this moment for nearly four thousand years?
- I do not even understand why I survived... such senseless torture and unnecessary suffering. It's too much to bear. you mumble with a barely audible fragile voice, so silently that I can't almost hear you while you stare through me and it looks like there was no life left in your eyes, only nightmares and hopelessness. You sound... like you were fading away right in front of my eyes, while I can do nothing by stare in crippling shock. Then you gasp so violently that you entire body shakes.
I get up, walk out from the bathroom and gasp for air just before I am on the verge of passing out. Hearing you say so hits me like a knife and therefore I have no other choice than to show you how much I adore you. I take off my robe, my leather boots and my trousers, but leave my underpants on. I walk back into the bathroom and find you sobbing helplessly but instead of saying anything, I step into the bathtub, sit down and lean over to you, this action causing waves and the water to spill a little over the edges but I do not care. I wrap my arms around you and bury my face into your neck, hold you as close as I possibly can despite your legs being between you and me.
After a while, perhaps thirty minutes or so, you stop crying and lower your legs so I can finally hug you properly. You shift yourself a little to find a more comfortable position and I pull you to sit on my lap, to face away from me. I wrap my arms around your chest, to shield you from anything and everything and hold you like this until the water starts to get unpleasantly cool. I run my fingertips up and down along your arms, massage your tensed muscles with slow, relaxing motions and rub your leg with the sole of my foot. You sniffle every once in a while but otherwise you seem calm and somewhat relaxed. I remove the flowers from your hair and unbraid your beautiful locks, massage your scalp with my fingertips and adore the features of your face with featherlike brushes and strokes.
You feel warmer now, almost like you had absorbed the warmth from the water somehow. It is time to get out from the bathtub because I feel you shiver occasionally and your skin gets covered with Goosebumps. You lean away, stand up and then step out from the bathtub, take a large towel and wrap yourself in it before paying any attention to me. I follow your lead, get up and out from the bathtub and replace the soaked underpants with a towel. You walk out from the bathroom, blow off few candles and leave just one burning but carry it to the nightstand, put on your nightgown and after hanging the towel to dry you crawl into your bed.
I walk out from the bathroom as well, carry an armchair from your sitting room to your bedroom, place it next to your bed and sit down while I watch you getting comfortable and arranging the pillows and blankets the way they please you the most. You look very cute and cuddly as you do this and I cannot help but smile. You notice it and stop, lift the duvet a little and pat the mattress as an invitation. This is a dream come through but I do not know if I should accept this invitation. I want to, only Valar knows how much I want to lay down with you, but I also promised myself that I would do this right, to court you honorably and not take advantage of your fragile state.
You wait… and wait… drop your gaze and lower the duvet, lay down and roll on your side to face away from me. I want to explain the reasons behind my actions but the words do not come out and I end up blowing the candle off instead. I hear you cry again… silently, gasping and sniffling occasionally… until it gets quiet and I know that you have fallen asleep. I take a comfortable position in the chair, it is not easy but I finally manage to find an arrangement that works and then close my eyes as well. It has been a long, emotionally draining day and therefore I fall asleep soon after you.
A scream wakes me up, it is a scream that chills my core and freezes my blood. I stumble in the darkness as a state of shock sets in. What was that scream about? Is there an intruder in the room?